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Okay! I could always try to integrate that into scenes while they’re traveling (to the church meetings, to their jobs).
That sounds good.
Gotcha. I’ll try to add some more of that in.
Cool, I’ll look out for it.
“Our house is full of ducks!!!!”
Okay, I see what you mean. Are you thinking like, within their friend groups? Most of the story so far takes place either at school, the church meetings, or their house. Later, though, there will probably be a lot of scenes at their respective job assignments, so you’ll get to see more of the culture then. Do you have any ideas for specific ways I could do it?
I guess just showing more of the city or government, to get a feel of how much the world has changed. Something like that, maybe. Maybe you could have Sara or Cole go to a different area, like a row of stores, and show how different it is than today.
Also, I’m still trying to figure out their culture’s exact position on Christians, since I want it to seem like it could be realistic, instead of just the Constitution (and basically everything our country was founded on) being magically adjusted. It’s sort of more a gradual dislike, paired with mistrust from the “religious” terrorist attacks, that has turned into almost-persecution.
Ah, okay. That’s fine if your still developing it, it would take some hard push to get around the Constitution lol.
Gotcha. Any ideas?
Maybe when Sara’s around people and supposedly happy, there could be that underlying feeling of meaninglessness. Or when someone’s speaking to her, it could take her a second to register it because she’s lost in those types of thoughts, or having forced emotions of happiness.
“Our house is full of ducks!!!!”
Ohh, okay that makes so much more sense now. Percival has an older brother, Emmerich, who does fight well and is generally considered a “better” knight than Percival because he is a better swordsman and adheres more to chivalry than his brother.
“Our house is full of ducks!!!!”
Random, but I do like the name Percival. It just has this snide, offhanded smirk that is very character-ish.
Lol didn’t realize that but glad that someone recognized could get that from there.
Are they brothers, or did something happen to Damien’s brother? Because now I’m wondering.
No, they’re not related. Although… that sounds really interesting. I’m still figuring out their relationship because they’re both from a WIP, and Damian and Percival are rivals who hate each other (don’t know why yet). Also, did I mention Damian having a brother, because I’m a little confused. He doesn’t have one, so that might be my bad for conveying that. Anyway thank you!!
“Our house is full of ducks!!!!”
All caught up now. It’s good so far, though I have two thoughts. I think you could maybe show more of the oppression in Christianity/religion and the society a bit more? Specifically beyond the school and the laundromat, because it would make it feel a bit more alive. Second, maybe you could show Sara’s feelings of purposelessness through small actions or something like that. Other than those things, it’s very engaging and I’m interested to see what happens next.
“Our house is full of ducks!!!!”
Praying for both of your family members.
@anyone
Speaking of family, could you guys please pray for my two older brothers? One has stopped speaking to us and is no longer Christian and the other, while he’s open to the faugh, has also left it. Thanks.
“Our house is full of ducks!!!!”
Thank you so much!!
This piece could belong to a longer story where you’d learn the two girls’ conflict with each other, but it’s written so that it’s not needed.
Funnily enough, I’m thinking of using these characters (who are characters from some of my first ever stories) in something, idk what yet though.
I love that line as well!!!
Thank you!!
Congrats!!
“Our house is full of ducks!!!!”
I feel attacked.I’ll try to get to it this week… hopefully. We’ve got to write the next chapter as well.“Our house is full of ducks!!!!”
Hybrid pointed that out to me too. For this chapter specifically, I wanted it to feel pretty fast paced, specifically when she got to the party. Do you think that worked?
Ah, okay then that makes sense. It did work pretty well, the chapter felt fast paced. Not in a bad way though, it introduced the characters and world efficiently.
Let me know if you catch the same thing as I post more chapters. I’m planning to catch things like that while I’m editing, but it’s gonna look different in the eyes of someone reading it for the first time.
Ill try my best 👍
“Our house is full of ducks!!!!”
Lucky, I try to draw stuff fast then end up erasing it aggressively lol.
“Our house is full of ducks!!!!”
I had a feeling I needed to hear this. Thank you for the advice, I really do need to listen to it. I’m a bit of a perfectionist so it’s going to be hard to post stuff as it is, but thank you again.
Linus is 💯 correct. Plus, the more you pause the more you lose your flow. For me, I turn off autocorrect and grammarly, and I just write and write and don’t look back until the whole thing is on paper. Beginning to end.
Thanks, I’ll try doing that. It’ll be tough though…
That’s okay! Studio Ghibli is so good, have you seen Ponyo or Whisper of the Heart?
“Our house is full of ducks!!!!”
Okay, I’m going to catch up with the rest of the chapters, but chapters 5-6 were good.
“Our house is full of ducks!!!!”