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Here is the first chapter! Tell me what you think! It needs a lot of work.
Kydon Tarna ran out the door, heedless of his sister’s fussing.
“Don’t stay there too long, and mind what you say!” Willow was standing in the doorway, telling Kydon everything he already knew.
“I will,” Kydon called over his shoulder, “I always do!”
“And you forgot your…lunch.” Willow sighed, “I’ll just have to bring it over later.”
The lanky fourteen-year-old ran across the field that separated his home from the twin’s farm. The wind blew towards the homestead, as if in a race to get there first. Willow had kept him longer than usual with useless tasks like combing his hair and making his bed. He finally escaped and now breathed in the summer air with relief. As long as Kydon could remember, Willow had cared for him, and he was grateful for that. However, couldn’t she see that he had better things to do? Conrad and Caleb, the twin brothers across the field provided a welcome escape from his sister’s never-ending housework.
Kydon ran faster when he thought of the tales of battle and bravery from the Uprising. He knew his parents had died in the Uprising, but Willow had refused to tell him more, and he had never asked. Until two years ago, Kydon had accepted his parents’ absence to be as normal as the change of the seasons. However, the twin’s presence and their stories of the war opened a vault of unanswered questions in Kydon’s mind.
Willow had kept him away at first, being rightfully distrustful of strangers. Years ago, the Lunam had raided the quiet village of O’Fell where they lived and turned it into a ghost town. Kydon and Willow had hidden inside for weeks, praying that the raiders wouldn’t plunder to the outskirts of O’Fell where they lived. When the siblings had finally crept from their cottage, the only inhabitants for miles around were the Tarnas and a few rabbits.
With all the townsfolk gone, Kydon quickly grew weary of his sister’s nagging. He longed for his few friends in O’Fell, hoping the Lunam had mercy on them. But being taken by those murderous thieves was as good as a death sentence. No one knew what they did with their captives, because nobody ever returned, dead or alive. Willow had exceedingly grieved the loss of her only friend, the only person who looked past the stony mask that she wore, Carwyn Hayden. The young man had found (or made) reasons to stay around the farm, and Kydon had grown accustomed to the auburn and blond-headed couple walking through golden fields of grain. About a week before the raids began, Carwyn asked Kydon about Willow’s favorite jewels. Kydon never told Willow of that conversation, not wanting to trouble her with the thought that she could have been Mrs. Hayden.
Kydon paused at the crest of a hill and surveyed the blackened buildings in the distance. He thought of his sister’s gentle, quiet spirit, and his restless, fiery one and shook his head. Sometimes he didn’t believe that they were related. The siblings were as different as chalk and cheese. Kydon turned his attention back to running and fell deeply into thought.
Willow had kept him inside for a fortnight when the twins moved next door, and Kydon did everything he could to fend off boredom. His well-meaning sister had even attempted to teach him to knit. After much frustration and exasperation, Willow finally gave up, much to Kydon’s relief. The final straw, however, was when he had the truly inspired idea to warm Willow’s nightgown in the oven for her. He didn’t remember it until the smell of burning cloth drifted through the house. Willow immediately pronounced the neighbors to be safe, and baked some muffins, after cleaning the oven, of course, to bring to them.
Kydon had run over the hills recklessly, carrying a plate of swaying muffins. He dropped a couple of muffins on the way and the ones that couldn’t be salvaged, he ate himself. This resulted in the disappearance of many muffins and a nauseous Kydon. When he finally arrived at the farm, he slid to the doorstep. But the brick walkway was slick from the morning dew, and down Kydon went; down he went, and down the housewarming gift went.
Hi there!
I like it so far. I love the how you wrote it. I thought the part where he put the nightgown in the oven was funny…😄
I’m not fully qualified for editing, but I did have one question….
Is Kydon on his way to give the muffins in the first paragraph of the book? I was a bit confused… at first I thought he was just running over to some friends house (empty handed), but then in the last paragraph he’s carrying muffins…
No matter, I like it a lot! Tag me if you add more! 🙃
“What be a cretin?”
“Of course you wouldn’t know. It’s a… bread you put in salad.”So… His giving the muffins to the twins is a flashback of sorts. I really need to fix it so it isn’t so confusing as to when the flashbacks start and end. Thanks for the input! I’ll try to add the next chapter soon.
I love it!! Onnnneeeee thing that stood out to me was this line (and please take my comments with a grain of salt):
He thought of his sister’s gentle, quiet spirit, and his restless, fiery one and shook his head. Sometimes he didn’t believe that they were related.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with it, but it’s kind of going against the ‘show not tell’ rule. For me, I feel that even just the first paragraph offers a pretty good view into the characters’ personalities: Willow is calm, Kydon is impatient. You don’t have to directly tell us that.
Also, same as what GRCR said, how did he get the muffins?? Was he delivering them to their neighbors??
Again, please take my comments with a grain of salt. Just a few things I thought I’d point out 😊
It's harder to make a square evil than it is a triangle.
Annoying side character of the KP cast.
Ok, I see. 😄
“What be a cretin?”
“Of course you wouldn’t know. It’s a… bread you put in salad.”Oh, I didn’t see your reply to grcr 😅 lag.
It's harder to make a square evil than it is a triangle.
Annoying side character of the KP cast.
Second chapter! (I have 8 chapters written so far)
A man of about forty, Kydon guessed, opened the door after hearing a crash to a distraught and horrified Kydon. But Kydon had never been, and still was not, one to shrink back at embarrassment. He brushed himself off and shook his hand.
“Hi, I’m Kydon Tarna, and my sister, Willow, and I live across the way.” Kydon pointed across the field. “So, I guess that makes us neighbors!”
The stranger smiled and introduced himself, “I suppose it does, I’m Caleb,” He motioned to a man inside the house. “And this is Conrad, my brother.” A tall, muscular man came to the door. He looked at Kydon, then at the ruined muffins on the ground, then he looked at Caleb and raised his eyebrows.
“Conrad, this is Kydon Tarna, our neighbor. He lives with his sister, Willow.” Conrad shook Kydon’s hand without a word and stared at Caleb, who shrugged.
An awkward silence ensued, and Kydon hated awkward silence. So, he quickly broke it with what Willow would call a “poking and prodding question!”.
“So… are you two twins?” The brothers certainly looked alike, with the same soft brown eyes and auburn hair, though Conrad had a jagged, raised scar across his left eye. Kydon stared at it. Where’d he get that?
Caleb smiled, “Yes, as a matter of fact, we are. Although, Conrad is twenty minutes older than me.” Conrad cleared his throat. Kydon stuck his hands in his pockets, a bad habit, according to Willow, and rocked back and forth on his heels.
“What am I thinking?” Caleb stepped inside the threshold. “Would you like to come in?”
Kydon wondered what Willow would do. Then, he realized that he wasn’t Willow. And glad of it! He stepped into the twins’ house and sealed their neighbor-friendship forever.
The twins taught Kydon a lot in the next two years, and he certainly learned a good deal about the twins. Conrad, being the older twin, took control of every situation, especially the ones involving Caleb and Kydon’s mischief. Caleb had told Kydon that Conrad never lost his patience.
“No, wait,” Caleb looked thoughtful, “there was one time.” He frowned at the memory. Kydon wouldn’t quite believe him, so the two made a type of game to try the poor man’s patience at every turn. Like the time Kydon told Caleb about Willow’s crippling fear of wolves. Simply the sound of them drove Willow frantic and Kydon would have to calm her down. He had never seen one for this reason, so Caleb promised him that that very night they would see one.
After getting reluctant permission from Willow to stay at the twin’s house for no apparent reason, Kydon hurriedly packed a bag and raced to the front porch where Conrad was waiting with a cup of coffee. Kydon’s first cup of coffee since Willow only drank tea, he was exceedingly proud of it.
The wolves had come, much to Kydon’s initial delight, in hordes. As Caleb later told him, he had poured the remains of dinner around the steps of the porch to lure them in. Unfortunately, it had worked all too well. Conrad eventually woke up to the sounds of the pack near the house and rescued the regretful pair. Conrad was not happy, to say the least. What Kydon learned from that night, was that the brothers protected him, even if one of them got him into it in the first place.
Willow had slowly warmed up to Kydon spending time with Conrad and Caleb. Though she ignored Kydon’s insistence to meet them, her brother made up for it with his vivid descriptions of the twins. Willow had watched her brother at the farm from a distance with tears in her eyes. Kydon had so readily accepted the neighbors, but she had learned the hard way to block any attempts made to be her friend. If you don’t have friends, they can’t betray you or break your heart. Willow smiled wryly. Carwyn was a perfect example of Willow’s foolish heart. It had gotten away from her before she had had a chance to rein it in. Willow caught herself writing her name as Willow Hayden just three days before the raids. And then he was gone, just like that. No, it was much better to keep your distance. Willow thought.
The next chapter ^
Yay! (sorry this is late… heh heh)
Reading it now… 😁
“What be a cretin?”
“Of course you wouldn’t know. It’s a… bread you put in salad.”It sounds good still! 😀 There are some things that I noticed, though…
I know in the first chapter you mentioned the brick walkway, but you may want to add even more description the twin’s house so the picture is painted better. As the reader, I’m wondering if its large or small? What color are the walls and what kind of floor do they have? If they live on a farm, does it look like the classic farmhouse? Does it have one or two levels? Does it reflect a serene personality, or is it not what you’d expect from the average 40-year-old person?
And maybe you could give Conrad and Caleb’s last name so that the word ‘twins’ isn’t used too much…
Those were just some things I observed… but it’s up to you! 😁
“What be a cretin?”
“Of course you wouldn’t know. It’s a… bread you put in salad.”Ok! I will work on that!
Conrad and Caleb have a last name… but unfortunately, it can not be disclosed at this time in the story…
Awesome! 😄
Ooo.. I’m excited to find out what it is… 😏
“What be a cretin?”
“Of course you wouldn’t know. It’s a… bread you put in salad.”Next chapter!
Arriving at the twin’s home, Kydon shook himself from his reverie. But just before he crested the hill, he stopped. He heard a sound that he had not heard since before O’Fell was a ruin—the jingle of a horse’s reins and the creak of a wagon. Kydon dropped to all fours and crawled to peek over the top of the hill.
A large wagon faced the house and Conrad and Caleb were there, helping unload it. ng unload large wooden crates. A man Kydon didn’t recognize was there, speaking to Conrad, who looked worried. Caleb dropped a box suddenly and it broke open. Bows, arrows, swords, and battle axes fell out, and Kydon gasped. Conrad looked up and saw Kydon’s head disappear behind the hill. He pointed to the hill and spoke to Caleb who clapped a hand over his mouth. Kydon heard footsteps and Conrad looked down at him. Kydon brushed himself off and stood up, pretending he didn’t see anything.
“Is it comfortable down there?” Caleb asked with a smirk.
“As a matter of fact, it is.” Kydon motioned to the grass. “Nice and soft.”
“I see,” Caleb said. “Would you like to go into the house so we can talk?”
Kydon nodded and walked with Caleb to the house, where Conrad and the other man stood.
“Wait here, Cassius,” Conrad said, joining Caleb and Kydon. “I’ll be back in a minute.”
Cassius took one look at Kydon and gasped, his eyes widening, and jumped into the wagon. He was short and lean, with sandy brown hair and hazel eyes. Huh, Kydon thought. That was strange.
Conrad sat Kydon down on a bench inside and sat opposite him. Caleb stood behind him with a rare frown on his face. Conrad sighed and Kydon suddenly saw how tired he looked.
“So, are you going to tell me why you have enough weapons to arm a small army?” Kydon looked at Caleb who stared at his feet, then at Conrad who met his gaze.
“Lad, there are some things that can’t be told for good reason,” Conrad said. “Some things better left in the dark.”
“In the dark?” Kydon asked, incredulous. “Just like Willow.” He muttered.
Conrad stood and walked to the window. “You trust me, don’t you, Kydon?”
“Of course. Yes.” Kydon would trust the twins with his very life.
Caleb sighed, running his fingers through his auburn hair. “Can I talk to you for a moment, Conrad?”
Conrad nodded and walked to Caleb, who lowered his voice to a whisper. Kydon strained to hear the conversation, but he only got tidbits like, “to know who he is” “in danger” and “could be an asset.”
The brothers finished their conversation, and Conrad sat down again.
“You said you trusted me, Kydon. So, I need you to trust me now. Can you do that? Can you keep this from Willow?” Conrad leaned forward, eyebrows raised, waiting for an answer.
“Yes,” Kydon answered. I’m good at keeping things from Willow, anyway.
Ooo… this is getting interesting….
I don’t know why, but Kydon’s thoughts in the last sentence had me laughing.
I don’t have too much to say, but maybe you could combine some of the sentences so that is runs smoother. Like, instead of saying:
- Caleb dropped a box suddenly and it broke open. Bows, arrows, swords, and battle axes fell out, and Kydon gasped. Conrad looked up and saw Kydon’s head disappear behind the hill. He pointed to the hill and spoke to Caleb who clapped a hand over his mouth.
(Which doesn’t sound bad at all the more I read it…)
You could say:
- Caleb dropped a box suddenly and it broke open, causing bows, arrows, swords, and battle axes to tumble out. Hearing Kydon gasp loudly, Conrad looked up and said something to his brother. Caleb, who had clapped a hand over his mouth, followed Conrad’s pointed finger to where Kydon’s head had quickly disappeared behind the hill.
It’s up to you. I don’t want to chop up your story, so tell me if I’m editing/talking too much. 🙃
“What be a cretin?”
“Of course you wouldn’t know. It’s a… bread you put in salad.”This seems like a good start to a story and I’m interested to see where it’s going! There’s just one thing I would point out:
After the box is dropped, and Kydon hides, it seems like it changes perspectives briefly to the twins, because if Kydon is hiding he wouldn’t see them point at him. This is assuming that you’re using a limited third person narrator, which it seemed like to me. If your using an omniscient narrator than it isn’t a problem.
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