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Ok, I’m not sure if this is on topic but I skimmed the last couple threads, so here’s the potential ship names my characters could have:
Langus
Griscilla
That’s about it as far as people in my WIP that are interested in each other lol, very odd combos lol.
We crazy people are the normal ones.
You’re welcome!
Yes, I’m thinking that it’s his only option. And the earning Vital makes sense, it would be in an insanely high demand material, which would make it extremely expensive. But it also needs to be semi accessible to the public so people survive. 🤔 It would create a very interesting economy dynamic I think, I’ll have to ponder on that more.
Maybe there’s some form of serfdom? Like the very rich who can afford the Vital subjugate the poor populations by creating superstructures out of it and forcing those who seek it’s shelter to work for them, threatened by being tossed to the elements if they disobey?
We crazy people are the normal ones.
I think your idea is rather interesting! I might as well give my two cents, but for me, if a romance winds up in my stories, it tends to just kind of happen, I’ll just be thinking and I’ll realize, “oh, they make a good couple!” or something along those lines. So, do take my cents with a grain of salt lol.
I recommend digging into your Male Love Interest’s character a bit. Here are some questions you can ask to get yourself started!
What are your Male Love Interest’s…
Wants? Pretty simple, what does he want and/or think he needs?
Needs? what does he need? does he know he needs it?
Lies? what lie(s) does he believe? How will that impede him from getting his need?
Truth? What truth(s) must he learn to achieve his need.
Goals? What is his goal? how is he going to achieve it?
Motives? what motivates him to engage in the story? Is he trying to pay for medical bills? buy Vital so his family doesn’t have to constantly repair their home? Does he want to make someone who’s important to him but also uncaring proud?
How will his story meld with your Protagonist’s? Do they need to work together to achieve a goal? stuck together by circumstance?
What attracts them to each other? Why would he fall for your protagonist, and why would she fall for him? does he give her a sense of security, realize that they both can relate to feeling used?
How do they help each other’s arcs? Does he make the protagonist less cynical? Does she make him realize that love isn’t about using people?
I think it would be interesting if he was fighting as a Gladiator not because he wants to, but because it was his only option in some way — maybe his social class was too low for any other high-paying job? I also think it would be interesting if he was motivated by someone who he loves, but doesn’t love him back and uses him for their own gain (I’m thinking like an abusive parental figure type thing maybe?)
I hope this helps you!
We crazy people are the normal ones.
Definitely! I never properly researched the era when I was still in Highschool, but it really was a fascinating time in history!
We crazy people are the normal ones.
Yess, another Sabaton fan!!!
Also, I totally get nerding out over WW2, my husband loves the topic, and so I wind up learning a lot by extension lol!
We crazy people are the normal ones.
Oh, cool!
Angus would say that he dosen’t think he was always immortal, because injuries used to heal a lot slower than they do now, and he would decline for you to pet Wolfy (he’s bad at naming things, and it’s a nod to an old stuffed animal I had) but Wolfy would make you pet him anyway.
Lenora, who’s responsible for the immortality, would say that they were once mortal, as she used an ancient magic she discovered and harnessed, and now they will rule side-by side as the Eternal King and Queen.
We crazy people are the normal ones.
Ooo, what kind of magic does Lois use? (sorry if you already answered this question lol) How does the magic work to cause spells?
I guess I’ll introduce my character:
Angus (name could be changed later, idk): A stoic immortal soldier with a pet wolf/big dog who gets stuck making sure two teenagers don’t get themselves killed on his quest to find his also immortal love interest.
Lenora (the immortal Love interest): The Eternal Queen, at least as she’s been dubbed. she has immense powers as long as she stays within the limits of her city, but can control things from afar. she’s seemingly nice, but her determination to get what she wants and her embitterment toward the past make her less so when push comes to shove, and she keeps her people subservient by pinning all the evil that happens on someone called ‘the inventor’.
I figured I could include these two because they have about as much chemistry as a saltine cracker and I need to figure Lenora out more lol. (also dosen’t help that in the first half of the story all I have to introduce her is people who know her and flashbacks I have no idea how to include lol 😭)
We crazy people are the normal ones.
I gave you my thoughts!
Also, I’m so sorry to hear of your loss and I’ll be praying for you and your family 🥰.
First off, this is a great improvement, you’ve done a great job! I did give my opinions, but again, I’m not a professional, so take my criticisms with a grain of salt, and don’t be frustrated with yourself, this is one draft of what’s likely many more to come, and no mortal human is a perfect storyteller.
“Nahim. Nahim!”
Mandin waved his large hand in front of his 19-year-old friend’s hidden face.
[I would cut the descriptors out here as you bring them up later on.]
Nahim brushed Mandin’s hand away, [without a word] [you can cut the ‘without a word’ part, since it’s already implied]. Thoughts and daydreams captured Nahim, about events years ago, about feelings, smells and tastes from back [at his][you can cut this] home. He stared blankly through his visor at the winding course from the horizon that the many speeders had taken. His eyes did not even flick toward the joyful winner of the speeder race, nor to the Ward standards that waved now with ferocity, [feathered wings around THE Stone. ] [I understand the stone has significance, but try thinking of a more natural way to include it, Nahim is thinking about Laxan right now, and his family. Why would he care about the stone at this moment?]
Shoem 18th.
The date was branded upon his mind with the almost eternal flame of memory. The year was 10,019 GA, exactly four years after the Laxan invasion. Four long years, most the time running and hiding from the clutches of Vorgan, while he tried to find the one who betrayed his people to almost extinction. Nahim alone now carried the Nayhelm name. Every single Nayhelm death during this terrible Nanian war, Nahim pinned on the unnamed traitor. [the last two sentences could be cut, and the four long years part could be trimmed too, but that’s more stylistic, as it’s a bit repetitive, but also on a second reading gets me more into Nahim’s mind, as if he’s painfully aware of how long it’s taken him to exact revenge]
[I think you could try reordering these paragraphs, consider this:
Shoem 18th.
The date was branded upon his mind with the almost eternal flame of memory. The year was 10,019 GA, exactly four years after the Laxan invasion. Four long years, most the time running and hiding from the clutches of Vorgan, while he tried to find the one who betrayed his people to almost extinction. Nahim alone now carried the Nayhelm name. Every single Nayhelm death during this terrible Nanian war, Nahim pinned on the unnamed traitor.
“Nahim. Nahim!”
Mandin waved his large hand in front of his 19-year-old friend’s hidden face.
Nahim brushed Mandin’s hand away, without a word. Thoughts and daydreams captured Nahim, about events years ago, about feelings, smells and tastes from back at his home. He stared blankly through his visor at the winding course from the horizon that the many speeders had taken. His eyes did not even flick toward the joyful winner of the speeder race, nor to the Ward standards that waved now with ferocity, feathered wings around THE Stone.] [what I did here was try to stay zoomed in at first, we see Nahim lost in his thoughts, someone trying to get his attention and failing, and then panning out to view the scene as Nahim returns to earth so to speak. What do you think?]
“Nahim, what’s up?”
Nahim [started, being pulled out of his thoughts]. He seemed to be the only silent audience sitting in the crowd of Realn, whoops and cheers erupted around them in the packed stands leaning up to the sky.[instead of this, try something like, ‘he flinched, realizing he was the only one seated as the crowd erupted around him, their cheers bouncing off the stands and shooting into the sky.’]
Down below, in a large silver circle at the end of a long, winding path from the city on the horizon, stood a triumphant hero [would hero be the right word for this? Why not try pilot, or victor?] next to her speeder. She waved her gloved hand to the crowd. A large smile blessed her face and pure joy was in her hazel eyes. [how would Nahim be able to notice her eye color and facial expression from so far away? Consider another descriptor like the color of her attire or hair color, unless Nahim’s vision is hawklike where he can see things at great distances, which if true, you could convey by having him pick up on small details he shouldn’t be able to see, and that no one else sees. Or, if there are screens showing zoomed-in shots, say her face is on the screen, and where the screen is.] Behind her also waved and smiled the four others who had placed in the race. [try cutting down to the most important parts of this, unless the winner of the race comes in later.]
The many flags of dragons and heroes thrashed in the strong winds of the planet Banor. One great standard stood out above all: the bust of a gold dragon. On his chest was a round stone sparkling with a million colors.
[It is hard to describe THE stone, the crowning jewel of the Realn. Those who have seen it once in their lives will never forget it. A light seems to come from each vibrant color, giving it a magical, enchanting look. Even this flag made by the Realn not serve its beauty justice.] [what exactly does Nahim think of the stone? This is all being translated from his POV, think about what he would notice or care about. He’s a bounty hunter who’s seen combat, what would he pick up on? Who looks dangerous? The exit points? How to kill the people around him if they turn violent? How easy it would be to switch a couple cables on the speeder to make it blow up? I don’t know if Nahim has killed before, but think about how he might view a thing, how he feels about being here, which would dictate how he behaves.]
In front of the winner’s circle, set jetting out into a crystalline lake, the young Lord Nahor sat in his own private place with his newly-wedded wife. The couple were overshadowed with a great dragon statue, [the dragon wings placed above them, and a large dragon head rose high into the air, as if it were a real one of the great beasts in their rock-like state of watchfulness] [you can exclude what’s bracketed here, as it’s too much detail]. The Realn standard was set above the head of the dragon, able to be viewed from a mile off.
As a figure head, in front of the lord’s box was the depiction of a woman, a crown upon her head, and her hair flowing back in blond-red curls as if caught by a wind. She was the Mother of the Ward, dead for ages, but her memory lived on. [good job trimming this down! Much more consice and easier for a reader to remember!]
She was a great Empress once, in the Golden years of the Realn upon Wond. She was the mother of the first of the Ward family-clan, and today the ward, thousands of years later, celebrated the day of her birth.
Behind the great dragon that shielded Lord Nahor, and behind the sparkling water rose the Banorian trees. Their trunks rippled from root to leaf in the wind, as if a wave of a sea. Every bough was burdened with tender leaves and sweet flowers, streaked with a mixture of blues, oranges, and whites. The scent that hung on the air was sweet and like unto a rose and an apple blossom, wonderfully blended together. The trees wrapped around one side of the lake and behind one side of the stands, halting at the large rock that served as the foundation for shops canopied with streaks of the color palette. Behind this was a long road that led back to the city upon the horizon.
[this description part reads much better, but I think you could benefit from trimming down to only the most important details, or include Nahim’s own thoughts in here.]
Mandin grabbed Nahim’s shoulder with a strong hand, shaking [the younger man’s][try ‘his’ instead perhaps?] entire torso.
“Nahim, what’s up? You overwhelmed or something?” [you could try something like: ‘What’s up?’ you don’t need to have a character say a lot to say what they mean dependind on the personality (think of how Han Solo talks versus Luke, one very sarcastic, and the other to the point. But this isn’t bad, I’m just wondering if Mandin would use so many words to say something simple?
[Nahim whispered something to himself, so quiet the words could not be heard.]
“Nahim!”] [this is ok, but a bit confusing, the next line does the same function, conveying Nahim as spaced out.]
“Huh?” a quiet voice, as if in another world answered. [maybe try: ‘”Huh?” he muttered, his artificial voice just audible.’ or something like that. Saying ‘a voice’ or ‘a hand’ when referring to a character’s actions can make them seem disembodied unless it’s intended to make it look mysterious. Does that make sense?]
“What do you think? Why didn’t ya enter the speeder race? You’re good enough.” [maybe try: “what do you think? Ya wanna take that trophy next year?”]
“Nih, [is Nih a word for no?] you never met my brother.” His monotone voice was still quiet. Mandin raised his eyebrows, [interested in what he hoped Nahim would say next] [try: ‘leaning in so as not to miss a word.’ or something along those lines. You can tell a lot with using body language and interractions with the setting here]. Nahim [deeply inhaled] [sighed] before saying in a [little][you can cut this, or say slightly, as it might read a little better being right next to another L word] louder voice, “Banorians know how to add color.” [His voice had suddenly become more light-hearted than usual.] [Try showing us his voice sounds lighter, does it’s pitch raise a little? Is his sad voice quiet but increase in volume when happier? Think of how Nahim’s voice is going to change depending on his emotion, even try adding details to denote his artificial voicebox early on, or does the change in tone even need to be noted unless he’s reverting to his usual tone, and his tone before wasn’t common.]
[Mandin huffed in exasperation. ] [I think you could combine this with the second paragraph]
“Kinda a culture thing.” Mandin ran with Nahim’s change of subject, hoping that doing so would make him more willing to talk. [this is in Mandin’s POV, it’s not bad, but it’s Mandin’s thoughts when we’re supposed to be in Nahim’s, correct? And instead of ‘kinda a culture thing’, maybe try, “I suppose.” or something like that? It depends on how Mandin talks and behaves.]
“Funny how I’m a Laxorian where we don’t usually like to throw all our colors into one big thing, and you invite me to an extremely… Wardian? Festival. Not to mention the fact that the clans are divided since the death of our emperor,” [this is a good bit of background info, but it reads like you’re trying to tell us what’s going on through Nahim’s mouth, not what Nahim would say. Maybe try; “I must be the only Laxorian invited to a… Wardian?… festival since the death of the emperor.”] they both pressed a fist to heart, “I might as well be a Wardian myself!” [I don’t really understand the cultural thing they’re doing here, would a comment like ‘God rest his soul’ work better?]
“You finally figured it out!” [[Mandin Ward] [Maybe include Mandin’s full name where it’s most significant, or as the first mentioning of his name] gave Nahim a playful punch on his shoulder.] [you could put this in front of what Mandin says, it might feel a little more natural.]
“Sorry, I’m Laxorian through and through.” A slight chuckle escaped Nahim, [to Mandin’s surprise. That was one of few Mandin had heard come from Nahim in the last two years.][this bracketed part isn’t entirely necessary, as we can extrapolate that Nahim is rather serious.]
“[In all seriousness,][would Mandin start with little intros like this for his words? I take that he’s likely somewhat high-ranking, is this in his character?] then why don’t you ever go there?” Mandin tilted his head in curiosity.
“How do you know I never go there?” Nahim [eyed Mandin almost suspiciously.][try: ‘Nahim looked away, hiding his face even more than it already was.’ if shame and guardedness is the emotion you want to go for]
“Well, you’ve got this fear of flying, and in the last two years since we teamed up as bounty hunters, you’ve never even asked to go there. Oh, and don’t forget, you were at Father’s academy for a year and never left. So, why don’t you go there anymore?” [why would Nahim have a fear of flying? Dosen’t he have to travel a lot for his job? Would they say their carers in public? I figure Bounty Hunter isn’t a sought-after career, and it’d be better to keep it secret] [this also reads a bit like info-dumping on the readers, you could try: ‘Well, you’re fear of flying mainly, and I get that, but you don’t even ask to go there, and never leave, so why?’ this is far from perfect, but you get my drift lol]
“That topic is not for bright colors.” Nahim crossed his arms, [looking slightly down before gesturing around him.][pacing wise, this speeds up a little too quickly, you can say that he crossed his arm, then jerked his head at a particularly colorful stand, “This place is as bright as an elven New Year. Who does the colorful job?”
“A lot of the women of the surrounding area and even from across the Ward territory prepare for this holiday. Usually there is a Lady Young Budeca, one of her direct descendants [that has no pollutions from aliens in her lineage][try; ‘of pure blood’]. This year it happens to be Lady Aileen.” They both looked to the dragon box for Lord Nahor and his lady as the crowd around them rose and slowly dispersed for the other festivities of the day. [this is a little whiplash-y, I understand that Mandin is willing to accept Nahim’s deflections to other topics, but wouldn’t he still be focused on this? Does he explain as simply as possible, then Nahim says in a surly voice that he doesn’t want to talk about it?]
“C’mon! You are probably curious what other Banorian surprises await.”
They rose and walked with the crowd into the open space of the nearby stone platform.
“By the way Nahim, you do realize that it’s ‘Ward’ not ‘Wardian’ [that should be used in any sentence of the sort you would put the incorrect word of ‘Wardian’ in]?”[what I bracketed you can cut]
“Now I do.” Nahim rubbed the back of his neck. Mandin laughed [his hearty laugh][try; ‘heartily, patting Nahim’s shoulder so hard his teeth clacked together.’]. [Nahim remained steady, though his shoulders were less tense than normal.][this part isn’t particularly necessary, but I understand what you’re trying to convey. Do consider trimming it however.]
“[Nahim,][you don’t need to start this with Mandin addressing Nahim as we already know he’s talking to him.] I still think you should have joined the speeder races. Your speedering is excellent.”
“My brother’s speedearing was exquisite.”
“Speedearing? What kinda [of a][this can be cut, kinda and kind of a mean the same thing] word is that?”
“The same kind as Nayhelmic.”
“Which is?”
“A correct Nayhelmic term.”
“This is what I get when I’ve gotta have a Laxorian for a friend,” Mandin laughed, he matched his friend’s speed as they entered the place where the stands were now open for business. [Laughter and festivities went on around them.][you can replace with a direct interraction, perhaps they weave through the crowded street, the scent of delicacies unknown to Nahim filling the air as they stop and watch a street performer] “So… who was your brother?”
“That topic is not for such colors.”
“It’s never for any time,” Mandin mumbled. “You can’t just hide everything forever ya know? I’ve got seven years of experience on you, and that experience told me (that sometimes I needed to tear Dad away from his papers and trainees to talk about something. Or even to tear my [childhood friend][try having Mandin refer to her with her name, or just simply as freind, it feels a little impersonal as-is] from her books to talk about anything).” [and instead of saying what is in parentheses say, “that you can’t just keep everything locked away forever, it’ll hurt more than it’ll help.”]
Nahim tilted his helmet at the mention of “her”. “You have a warrioress friend?”
Mandin caught the hint in Nahim’s voice. “Friends ONLY. Don’t you go getten’ any ideas. I don’t want [some silly Nayhelm][try saying ‘you’ instead perhaps?] setting me up! Anyways, what I’m trying to say is, talk about your past to someone, I’m not sayin’ me.”
“You may have the seven years, but I’ve had the fire. You know I don’t have a family, no father to pull from his daily duties. No mother to pull from her daily baking. No brothers to pester. I never had any sisters.” Nahim’s voice was unusually wistful as he spoke, [and it sounded like he had broken out in a smile at the word “pester”][you can cut his mention of having no sisters, and what I bracketed]. “All I’ve got now is a good friend that I would gladly not nag on painful subjects, even if he wouldn’t for me.”
“Maybe he’s nagging because he wants to help you!” [would Mandin speak in third person? I’m pretty sure this was my suggestion, but I don’t remember] Nahim huffed and then pointed at a figurine as they passed by one of the shops. [this sentence can be put in the next paragraph.]
“That dragon figurine is missing something.”
“Now you’re just changen’ subject.”
“Yep.” Nahim approached the shop with the figurine.
“Well, guess I’ll just pester–“
“Your father is over there.” [I would add that Nahim picks up the figurine to examine it]
No sooner had Nahim spoke than Mandin’s father set down the dragon figurine he was studying, noticing the two of them, and called to Mandin. [maybe you could have Mandin’s father be doing something else since Nahim is already looking at a figurine?]
“Then I guess I’ll go over there for a few minutes; don’t disappear.” [this is a good opportunity to have Mandin’s body language hint at how he feels about this, does he sigh irritably? Do his shoulders tense? How would he respond? How does he walk?]
Mandin veered off to his parent, Nahim turned and went towards the tree line, kicking an imaginary stone and fisting his hands. The trees, so unique, like the [tall trees of][try ‘on’ instead] his beloved Laxor, made a rippling motion in the wind. Their bark was as smooth as a babe’s skin, it color also similar. Nahim stopped, reliving looking over the landscape around his home, the volcanoes at one end, the Laxorian forest to another, and the last side walled by the tall grasslands with its sharp blades. He half-smiled at the memories of the wonderful time when the three suns, Diala, Leahae, and Lahoom, had set all at once, their light blending together to [make the most romantic and gorgeous sight Nahim had ever seen touch the grasslands of his home][try giving a vivid description instead, do the grasslands turn into a field of smokeless fire? The trees into gilded bronze? Think of how you can describe it like you do later on with the forest creatures, don’t just say it was pretty, show us! Your prose truly shines through with that!]. His brother, Alin’s, voice sounded in his mind.
“Wouldn’t that look great from the sky? Sunlight dipping the blah grasslands in paint. Huh Nahim? Can’t you just see it?”
[I would try saying, “I bet that looks really good from the sky, huh Nahim?” try saying some of your dialogue/prose out loud, it can help make it sound more natural]
His mother giving [‘gave’ would work better, you’re switching tenses a bit here] a soft smile as she rested her head on his father, her hand over her swelling belly.
[That was so long ago, yet the memory was sweet and clear as if straight from the time.] [I would cut this, since the next paragraph works far better as a transition, and this sentence is extremely tell-heavy when showing is more appropriate as the next paragraph does.]
Nahim sighed, and as the breath left his lips, so did the memory fade away. Laxor, the fifth Realn planet was next to the planet Banor, it would be easy to ask Mandin to take him there. Nahim fisted his hands again. [No.][you could cut this, and try: ‘he turned away, finding a route away from all the people.’]
He reached the edge of the shops just as the sunset of Diala began. Nahim’s eyes scanned the horizon through his helmet’s dark visor. To his left, blue-gray grass bowed to her Majesty the Wind as her long train swept across the plain with the magnificent king of the Day Sky, Diala, casting out his last cape of orange. [Probably trim down your symbolism here a bit, it’s a bit confusing to read, try saying, ‘the blue-gray plain rippled under the wind as it was bathed in the orange light of evening’ or something like that]
He did not pause any longer but passed under the peaceful shade of the boughs.
Nahim Nayhelm was then lost to the scene. The bits of light from the suns came down onto the ground, filtered to green, blue, orange and white. The wind rippled up the trunks, making the filtered light shift and change every second. For an instant, Nahim wished to be one of those leaves or one of those flowers. [At least no one betray their families.] [this line makes little sense, I think you forgot to add a word?]
Nahim’s jaw [muscles][you can cut this] tightened [in hate][and this]. He looked around him, at the nature, the life about him, yet inside, he was alone. And the Traitor had made it that way. Worst of all, the Sovereign of the Universe had destined it that way. [add something about the emotions brewing inside him, and how much it hurts perhaps?]
Maybe Mandin was right, after all this time caging it in, maybe he needed to let it all out. He hadn’t even told Mandin who he was searching for, because he wanted to avoid that conversation about his past. All Mandin knew was that Nahim always hid his face for some reason, and was obsessed with finding something. Something that haunted Nahim’s dreams, causing him to yell out in the night.
Nahim eased himself down onto the leaf covered, and flower speckled ground [try ‘leaf and flower speckled ground’], crossing his legs to watch the shifting light.
For the first time in a long time outside the complete privacy of his room, he lifted his helmet and set it beside him in a pile of fallen flowers. His [black hair with misbehaving wisps of hair][try: his dark, wily hair, or cut the ‘of hair’ at the end of the sentence], [slightly dyed by][try, ‘caught’ perhaps?] the light of the suns, fell on the back of his neck. He closed his eyes and took in the fragrance of the many sweet flowers.
The burning smell of a forge.
Bits of dainties that Nahim did not recognize.
The common noises of bustling crowds, and holiday music. The lively, rhythmed claps in time with a certain tune, a traditional Realn dance. [try adding something that comments on how they annoyingly drwon out the nature around him?]
Nahim shut them from his mind, trying to only think of where he was, in another world. A world of peace and quiet.
The wind was cool and the scent of more flowers and places far away, of a sweet purity as if after a rain, caressed his face. Little merry breezes played in his hair. His pallid face was stained by the fading rays from Diala. And Leahae would soon be falling too. Twittering birds played in the branches, with even the sound of their little wings reaching Nahim’s ears. The warmth from the suns seemed to sink into his soul, he almost wanted to sing with the birds. Little creatures with long tails, chippered in delight as they chased each other up moving tree trunks and leapt from swaying branch to swaying branch. The rustle of old leaves as another creature with little spines and a cute dainty black nose dug near the roots of a tree looking for insects. The buzz of the flying insects once and a while passed by his ear. The sounds grew more prominent in his mind, the feelingof warmth from the sun more intense, but somehow, it was just more peaceful.
Just as suddenly as a pufferfish can become a spine ball, the creatures noises stopped, except the scampering or fluttering as they went away. [try swapping the pufferfish similie with something more relevant to Nahim]
“I told you not to go anywhere.” Mandin was half-laughing.
Startled, Nahim turned around [suddenly, forgetting his helmet rested in the flowers beside him.][this can be trimmed]
Mandin froze, a look of shock in his features.
Nahim tilted his head and looked at Mandin curiously[would put this in the same paragraph as the next one]
“What is the ––” A lock of hair touched Nahim’s face. Oh, no. “Mandin, I can explain.” Nahim’s voice was panicked, and his eyes were almost pleading [try having Nahim stutter on the I when he says he can explain]. Mandin’s face had gone pale.
“What kind of trick is this?”
“No trick.” Nahim lowered his eyes to the ground. Mandin had seen them. “Please, don’t tell anyone, I will explain everything to you later.”
“Everything?”
Nahim sucked in a deep breath. Did that mean Mandin wanted to hear about the long-pried-for past that Nahim hid from his sight? Was that raised eyebrow a look of hope for what he wanted Nahim to answer? Was it an opputunity for Nahim to not bear his feelings alone? [Yes, it was.][you could cut this] He sighed; this was destined to eventually happen. [Try showing Nahim’s anxiety here]
“Everything.” Pulling his hair out of his way, he put the helmet back on.
He then stood, casting a look over that peaceful spot, before turning to go with Mandin back to the stone platform. Nahim internally cursed himself for allowing Mandin to see [his eyes, his eyes of red.] [Try saying ‘his red eyes’]
Overall, this chapter is much better! I liked the imagery of the nature in the second half, and the squabble in the middle feels more natural.
One thing I’m wondering about is how this chapter is going to advance the plot. What it seems to be doing at the moment is establishing how Nahim feels about his past, his relationship with Mandin, and establishing the new setting and information on the world. These are important details to include, but it seems to have minimal tie-in with your overall plot, and depending on the emotional arcs you want these characters to go on, having Nahim be forced to open up to Mandin so soon won’t have as big of an impact over it taking longer to draw out of him. A scene where Nahim properly opens up could have greater impact later on. You’re still in the beginning of the story, let the reader have some questions you can answer later, that will make them far more interested.
Also, if Nahim is a bounty-hunter, you could try and add a detail of that into this chapter, is he looking for a mark on his own since it could relate to the Traitor and he dosen’t want Mandin involved? Is that mark going to be arriving on the planet tomorrow and is the only reason Nahim agreed to go to the festival? Would Mandin have a vital clue that requires Nahim opening up to him to reveal?
You have an interesting world, and I can see how much care and effort you’re putting into this through your descriptions, but I recommend keeping the details around the scenery in the beginning to a minimun, sticking to what Nahim would notice.
As an example, maybe Nahim, while his thoughts are elsewhere, still notices things like how tight Nahor’s security is, and if he’d have to capture Nahor, how hard it would be and what he would do, or if he is on the job, he is scanning the area for his mark. How would Nahim think and what would he notice? If he has killed before or has to kill, does he make a plan to kill everyone he comes across (people who have killed in self-defense before sometimes experience this)
At some points I noticed Nahim and Mandin talking a little more femininely, wherin they have rather sharp subgect changes (outside of Nahim’s deflections), like Mandin’s sudden focus back on Nahim entering the competition. Guys tend to focus on one topic at a time, think of it like a tool box where everything has it’s place, even nothing has a place (yes, guys can literally think about nothing!) whereas we girls jump from topic to topic rather easily, almost like really complex never-ending highways filled with cars that never run out of gas… if that makes sense. So it might be better to keep certain topics confined to certain moments, like Mandin does all his talking about the speeder race at the beginning of the conversation, and then moves onto prying/answering Nahim’s questions.
On that note, I would consider having Mandin’s fact responses (explaining cultural things) be as brief as possible, since he’s focused on getting the truth out of Nahim.
Also, with Mandin’s reaction to Nahim’s red eyes, it seems to foreshadow something more significant than being a simple genetic mutation. Mandin could still be surprised, but him being scared makes it seem like it has more significance than it truly has.
Another random thing I noticed; why does Nahim hide his face? Does he need to hide it? I get it as a symbol for him being closed off, and to hide his red eyes. But if it’s to hide his eyes, and it’s just a mutation, some sunglasses or contacts would do the trick, correct? Why would he need to wear a whole helmet that could impede his vision?
Again, I can’t overstate that you’re doing a great job! You have an interesting premise, and this is a huge improvement! Keep practicing your prose, as it’s quite good as you continue to polish it, and remember, we’re all learning, and even if your story has imperfections, it’s ok, since perfection is impossible this side of eternity, and often, the worst critic of any creative is themselves. Keep writing, don’t be afraid to take breaks (burnout is real, and it is not fun) and remember it dosen’t have to be perfect 🙂 !
We crazy people are the normal ones.
I hope all that was clear lol
We crazy people are the normal ones.
You’re fine!
Ahh that makes sense!
Beyonders is a middle-grade fantasy trilogy, and it’s quite well-done, but not written from a particularly Christian perspective, (I think the author is Mormon? but it doesn’t greatly affect the story, but a certain character that only appears for a brief time is similar to the oracle of Delphi)
The Space Trilogy is written by C.S. Lewis and is an adult fantasy story (completely forgot this might not be an ideal reference for a teen site, as it has some heavy themes in books 2 and 3). It is AMAZING, but be prepared, the villains are super dark, but not dark enough to overshadow the good (It’s C.S. Lewis so it’s tactful). I don’t know how old you are (and you don’t have to tell me!) but go into this awesome series prepared for some heavy topics, (tv 14+ if it was a movie rating) and ones surrounding marriage (again, 14+ but tactful, but might raise questions you’re parents could be waiting to discuss with you). I read this series around 17 or 18 years old too, for reference. I included this without thinking as it was late when I responded to you lol, but if you’re younger, do get your parent’s opinions and probably only read book 1 until you’re about 17 or 18. Again, these books are really good, I cannot overstate that, but if you decide to read it, it has about a 14+ rating, and would be steeper if a movie. they aren’t light reading in books 2 and 3. But if you’ve read/like Ray Bradbury and C.S. Lewis, you may like this.
We crazy people are the normal ones.
@every-one else who commented on here gave such good advice as I’ve struggled with this myself!
I don’t know if it helps but in one WIP I had to set aside for the time being (it was too complex, needed to take a step back to reorganize later), my God-figure was included like you demonstrate, but was treated more as an enigma or an eldritch being without the horror, yet was still compassionate and kind, and deeply affects my protagonist. Bottom line, hinting and foreshadowing and treating Him as an extremely powerful and mysterious being is how I went about it, the main character dosen’t really know who or what he is until later in the story after the initial NDE that he had which made him experience this, and it’s always in the back of his mind throughout the rest of it, even though he dosen’t know a thing about religion.
If you want some good examples of a god-figure included like how you describe, almost anything George Macdonald related (The Princess and the Goblin and the Princess and Curdie are great examples) the Wingfeather Saga by Andrew Peterson, and if you want a webcomic example, I recommend Children of Eldair by JemmaMYoung on Webtoon, it’s unfinished, but what I’ve read so far is really good and she includes deity-like beings in an interesting way. (BTW there is mild gore, but it’s about Lord of the rings caliber, minus the “meat’s back on the menu, boys!” scene, but it does hurt a bit to watch as it happens to endearing characters), and there’s mythology, which is also including God-figures.
Also, think of ways your god-figure has impacted the world. Think of the Tower of Babel, the Great Flood, Mt. Siniai (look up the real mt. Sinai, it’s SUPER cool!) and the parting of the Red Sea as real-world examples. For fantasy, there’s the Stone Table that is cracked, the sunken part of Malacandra, and probably more that I can’t think of at the moment. Your God-Figure is a character in this story who has done things and will continue to do them. These types of large-scale events can illustrate how truly powerful this figure is and give us a glimpse into his nature.
As an example of this applied, in my WIP, my god-figure gave all the blood in his body to provide the world with water after a cataclysmic drought, and now the world has no ocean, but a couple large lakes and rivers that eventually turn into marshes that turn into an endless desert, with saltwater no longer existing but for one well maybe (I’m still worldbuilding and figuring a lot of this out) and all water contains a small amount of magic that affects every living thing, causing humans to be able to control animals, and elves to control plants (but there are some conditions to both these things) all based on a being’s retention of the magic that exists in the water (which is a will-amplifier/life force). It’s not perfect, but it’s the basic gist of how it works.
I hope this helps you!
Anyway, I hope that was a little helpful to someone. My question is, What do I tell heart broken kids when their favorite character dies? (In other words, how to write Heaven and Hell in middle-grade animal fantasy.)
First off, the tips you gave were excellent!
Secondly, I’m not sure, whenever I’ve tried to do it (before I felt that the character didn’t really need to die) I considered showing a glimpse of that afterlife, or have the characters feel content as they can with dying. One character’s (temporary) last scene was being lead off by the God Figure, and the character feeling at peace, another his soul is seen after he dies and he looked relieved and happy before disappearing, and another the character he died realizing he was loved and had the forgiveness he’d fought his whole life for. but of course I keep on swinging between killing or sparing on this issue lol because I’m a softie with my characters.
I think mainly, imply, hint, and foreshadow before something happens, sublty of course. And if you want the readers to feel better about the death, be sure that they can tell the character is somewhat at peace with it. Don’t shy away from how it hurts the other characters, but definitely don’t make it feel meaningless. Make sure the character needs to die for the story’s benefit, and if so, don’t worry if it hurts your readers, just make sure there are other good characters who can carry the story in their absence.
Also, your “christian” characters (“” because you might have a different name for the religion, or keep things loosely implied) be content in some way like if formerly stated, even if they leave things unfinished, and your evil characters, if they are killed off, can have a negative emotion of some kind, not at peace.
I don’t know what to do exactly if you plan on including the afterlife in your story, I only ever hint at it or loosely imply it. For example soul-eating monsters versus a mysterious and powerful God that takes souls into his domain from one WIP on the sidelines, or literally becoming angels in another WIP that is on the back-burner till later.
Here are some examples of people who have done this, *MILD SPOILER WARNING!*
Wingfeather Saga does this well, but I’m not spoiling it for you even though it made me cry.
LOTR does this superbly, telling us about the afterlife off and on long before the implied death happens.
Chronicles of Narnia is probably one of the best examples. again won’t spoil, but will imply.
Beyonders by Brandon Mull does this well too, but I can’t spoil this either, it’s better to be surprised, but there are several deaths, and they affect the rest of the story.
The Space Trilogy also does this well, evil faces terrifying ends at the hands of their own wrongdoings, and the good guy who passes goes peacefully. Again won’t go into further detail, as books 2 and 3 are more adult reads than kid-friendly, even though they aren’t too graphic.
We crazy people are the normal ones.
Those look really good! the one on the far right really reads as sci-fi, and I love the claw feet!
We crazy people are the normal ones.
Welcome back @godlyfantasy12!
We crazy people are the normal ones.
Hi! I’m @scoutfinch180! Nice to meet you!
Interesting to hear you write fanfics about Ghibli and Star wars, I sometimes listen to What if videos on Youtube. What kind of fanfics do you like to write? And I can totally see a Ghibli fanfic working, I’ve sometimes wondered how a sequel to Spirited Away would go. My favorite Ghibli movies are Spirited Away and Howl’s Moving Castle at the moment, there’s still more movies I want to see of course.
What is your current WIP? Mine is a fantasy comic (about an immortal veteran trying to find the princess he fell in love with) that I work on as a hobby (working on ch designs and outline currently, some of them are on the Art Sharing for All forum) but my main project is working on creating art that I can print and sell.
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@loopylin @highscribeofaetherium @keilah-h
Ah I see, thank you for the clarification!
We crazy people are the normal ones.