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Yes, I am aware I have already made a topic on my WIP, but for various reasons, I am making this topic to post my stuff on for now on.
Anyways, Chapter 1, the first section…
1-Laxan
Billowing smoke filled the air. Lava drooled red into the city streets. Rock soared into the air to land on crawling Nanian bugs.
Ash was mixed in with every shaking breath that Nahim took into his nostrils. The Nayhelm had failed. Laxan was overtaken and leveled to no more than a ruin, their reward for protecting refugees. Now the refugees screamed and cried as they were killed.
Mothers called after children’s souls, fathers tried to comfort them. Children tried to make parents rise again to no avail. Tears rolled slowly down the stained cheeks of Nahim. Back there lay the bodies of his family. His face stung and his eyes burned, his throat and mouth were dry from being full of ash.
The ground shook with earthquakes. The last of the brave ships trying to get refugees out of the city exploded with a great boom as if it had broken the barrier of sound.
Here he stood, upon the high ground along Laxan, watching people die from bug aliens and from lava, suffocation and crushing. No weapon was grasped in his hand. No helmet was shielding his head. His armor was scratched and covered with the blood of Nanians and refugees. He had done all he could to save them, but he couldn’t even save his little brother. Laxan was doomed and he knew even a dozen Nayhelm warriors could not save his beloved home now. The impulse that coursed through his veins was that of suicide in battle, for there was no hope of victory. The heart was broken, the mind was saddened, but still it yelled at him to leave the place of defeat, there was something more beyond this for him.
All was too much. With his heart aching unbearably, Nahim turned away from his viewpoint and wiped his ash and tear stained cheeks. His hands balled into fists tightened with rage and sorrow.
How? How could the Nanians get so far? One answer was the only one that could have made this great city with her close-guarded secrets fall. A traitor! Nahim turned back to the ghastly scene he could do nothing to change. By my Honor, I will avenge you and find this traitor.
One last look.
The high-pitched warning call of a leavar rang in his almost deafened ears. It seemed to be a last wailing cry of anguish issuing from those salamander dragons over the people they once were friends with. Now it was Nahim’s turn to give a sorrowful good-bye.
Farewell, my home.
He ran into the tall grasslands, but he could not smell their sweetness, nor care about the tall blades cutting his face. His back was to Laxan, to his home, to his now-dead family, and to his happy past. Everything he knew was dead and gone. He could feel it even in the way he moved; his life was changed forever.
😮 Oh man… very interesting… *subscribes*
I’d love to read more, if you share anything else!!
“What be a cretin?”
“Of course you wouldn’t know. It’s a… bread you put in salad.”@grcr @anyone-else
the last part of chapter one
He ran until he finally came to a staggering stop and glanced behind him. The air over his home was black with smoke. The horrible memories flashed through his mind. His dead brothers and parents. Vorgan. The duel. The hopelessness. The rescue. All was too vivid.
His young features contorted. Nahim’s hand strayed to his throat. Pain. He looked at his fingers. Blood. He tried to talk. Nothing but pain. He let his hand fall and stood with mouth open slightly, eyes staring off towards his old home. How long he remained here, he could never guess; all he knew was that he was wounded, but his family would not be at his side; his mother would not talk to him and comfort him as she tended it. His father would not ask how he had managed to hurt himself this time. No little brother to ask him to spin it into some brave act of monster-slaying. No older one to chuckle at the mess he had gotten into. Tears rolled more freely. What would he do now? Home was where he belonged.
A low, throaty growl resounded from behind him. He turned. A tigros tail bounced above the grasses, its two colors of orange and black mingled in a cloud or swirling water pattern. Usually a tigros wouldn’t dare attack a Realn, especially fully trained and almost fully armored ones. But Nahim was different; he was weary, wounded, and dehydrated. And a Realn with no helmet. The orange and black roughly striped predator leaped to come down on Nahim’s chest plate, sending him smashing to the ground. One large, out stretched paw holding claws of almost one hand in length tried to swipe Nahim’s face, only to be thwarted by Nahims’ sea blue and forest green gauntlet. He gave a hard blow to the beast’s jaw, and it leapt away with a stiff feline agility, the young creature realizing it should not mess with a Realn.
But Nahim did not rise. There was no hope for him. If the Nanians found him, he would die. And if he tried to keep going, even if no other young impulsive tigros thought he would be an easy kill, he would die of dehydration. If somehow he found flowing water out here, then he would die from the probable infection in his wound. And no one ever went into the vast grasslands. And the Leavar? Suddenly his eyebrows lifted; he readied his muscles to rise. He could almost feel Knight’s breath like that of summer’s hottest air, blowing out of his black nostrils. Those almost invisible scales rubbing lovingly against him, those pupiless red eyes staring into his own. He could feel the red flaps of skin down the creature’s body, he could almost feel himself riding Knight back to his volcanic domain, the pace set by those long black legs veined in red. His wound would be no problem then, for it is said that the saliva of the Laxorian Leavar has healing abilities. Hope sparked, but then the wind of reality and realization blew it out. Nahim let his muscles relax again. The Leavar would not come. They were now probably in their volcanic caverns swimming in the lava, out of reach of those murderous Nanians. He wished he could lift his voice up in a call Knight always had a tuned ear for, the call of his master and friend.
What had he been thinking? Here he was, no matter what way he turned, going to die and never fulfill his vow. He would die with no honor. He was stuck with death. After 15 years of his life it had finally come.
His hands fisted into the very roots of the sharp grass. He could barely breathe. He could not tell if he was afraid of death, or just afraid that he would have an honorless death. Nahim let his eyelashes touch the tops of his cheeks as one last tear drifted down his already wet skin.
This is the end.
Nice! Is this a new draft? It feels different from the version I’ve already read.
There is always light behind the clouds.
- Little Women, Louisa May AlcottYes, I’ve been re-writing pieces.
I should tag some ppl:
@kyronthearcaninn @mineralizedwritings @freedomwriter76 @savannah_grace2009 @jonas @highscribeofaetherium @loopylin @beth-torres @whalekeeper @esther-c @calyhuge @euodia-vision
Feel free to ignore.
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I was meaning to read your previous version, but I was so far behind that it was a daunting task to begin, so this is perfect!
🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of BooksI’m assuming you’re looking for feedback on this?
The only thing I would say is perhaps give Nahim a better reason to think that there was a traitor. You currently have him thinking that the place couldn’t have been taken if there wasn’t one, and maybe from an in-universe point of view that’s true, but I think to the reader it feels like a bit of a leap. Also, if it’s so easy to realize that, then he wouldn’t be the only person to realize (which I would assume is supposed to be the case.)
So anyway, I think if you have him see some evidence of a traitor it would, for one thing, clear up those things I pointed out, but also give him a bit more emotional motivation (not that there’s any lack of that as it is, but you can always use more.)
🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of Books(sorry… I know this is pretty late)
Oof.. interesting… can’t wait to read more!
“What be a cretin?”
“Of course you wouldn’t know. It’s a… bread you put in salad.”Thank you for the advice, i shall edit (for the thousandth time.)
This chapter really hooked me! I’d love to see where it goes! What themes/messages are you pursuing?
I critiqued the chapter, feel free to read or ignore if you want, I forgot to ask you before writing my opinions. If you choose to read, bear in mind that these are my opinions, and they are far from professional as well as unwarranted lol!
Billowing smoke filled the air. Lava drooled red into the city streets. Rock soared into the air to land on crawling Nanian bugs. [I like this intro a lot, I love your imagery, maybe establish the source of the lava here?]
Ash was mixed in with every shaking breath that Nahim took into his nostrils. [add mention of his wound from later somewhere up here? and what time of day is this?it will help the reader envision the scene better] The Nayhelm had failed. Laxan was overtaken and leveled to no more than a ruin, their reward for protecting refugees. Now the refugees screamed and cried as they were killed. [Try switching the refugees for they since you already said the people dying are refugees, and, upon reading the rest of this, I’m not sure if you mean the people of Laxan, or refugees living in Laxan, or both. are the refugees fleeing the Nanians?]
Mothers
called after children’s souls[maybe try ‘screamed the names of children they would never find again’], as fathers tried to comfort them. Children tried to make parents rise again to no avail [good, but maybe try something like, ‘children shook the shoulders of parents who couldn’t wake’]. Tears rolled slowly down the stained cheeks of Nahim. [try putting these three sentences into one maybe? it would make the images of people dying blend together, and flow into Nahim’s reaction and his dead family a bit better, but this is more a stylistic choice on my end.] Back there lay the bodies of his family. His face stung and his eyes burned, his throat and mouth were dry from being full of ash. [I recommend either keeping this reference of Nahim breathing ash, or choosing the one you mentioned in the first paragraph.]The ground shook with earthquakes. The last of the brave ships [if the pilots are human, you could say pilots made a courageous last-ditch effort to save who they could died as their ships were shot down by the enemy, deafening Nahim as they collided into the city below.] trying to get refugees out of the city exploded with a great boom as if it had broken the barrier of sound.
Here he stood, upon the high ground [what kind of high ground? cliffs?] along Laxan, watching people die from bug aliens and from lava, suffocation and crushing. No weapon was grasped in his hand. No helmet was shielding his head. His armor was scratched and covered with the blood of Nanians and refugees. He had done all he could to save them, but he couldn’t even save his little brother [why is he thinking of his little brother specifically and not his whole family?]. Laxan was doomed and he knew even a dozen Nayhelm warriors could not save his
beloved[beloved is unnecessary, as we can already assume how he feels about Laxan] home now. [interesting that a dozen is considered a large amount of Nayhelm warriors, good job hinting at how powerful they must be]The impulse that coursed through his veins was that of suicide in battle, for there was no hope of victory. The heart was broken, the mind was saddened, but still it yelled at him to leave the place of defeat, there was something more beyond this for him. [try showing us this with body language and interactions with the environment. Is he wanting to jump off the high place he’s standing on to silence the sound of blood pounding in his ears? Does he fight this urge knowing he must go on? does he think of something that would keep him from letting himself die? what would make hi think his life is basically over?]
All was too much.
With his heart aching unbearably[you don’t need to keep this, since it can be seen through Nahim’s thoughts and actions], Nahim turned away from his viewpoint and wiped hisash and tear stained cheeks[would swap for wiping his eyes, since we can tell he’s covered in ash, tears, and blood]. Hishands balled intofiststightened[clenched?] with rage and sorrow.How? How could the Nanians get so far? One answer was the only one that could have made this great city with her close-guarded secrets fall. A traitor! Nahim turned back to the ghastly scene he could do nothing to change. By my Honor, I will avenge you and find this traitor. [perhaps Nahim already assumes it’s a traitor, so as he contemplates suicide in this utterly hopeless moment, he dosen’t do it because how can he give up when the one responsible for the destruction of his city and his family’s death is still out there?]
All in all, I like the mindset Nahim is adopting here and the groundwork you’re laying. I think you should try to shorten it however, and show us how he’s feeling over telling it.
One last look.
The high-pitched warning [why is it a warning call?] call of a leavar rang in his
almost deafenedears.[since you mention a deafening sound earlier, I don’t think this is necessary] It seemed to be a last wailing cry of anguish issuing from those salamander dragons over the people they once were friends with. Now it was Nahim’s turn to give a sorrowful good-bye. [why is it his turn, did you mean to add the dragons sounds are a goodbye? why were the people once friends with them, and why are they here now? leavar is confusing, is it the sound a dragon is making? or is it an alarm? are these dragons also enemies? if so, include that they are enemies earlier as well as the bugs.]Farewell, my home. [this isn’t necessary, I would recommend him saying it, or just cutting this and switching to the next paragraph]
He ran into the
tall[since they cut his face, we know they are at least as tall as Nahim is] grasslands, but he could not smell their sweetness, nor care about the tall blades cutting his face. His back was to Laxan, to his home, to his now-dead family, and to his happy past. Everything he knew was dead and gone. He could feel it even in the way he moved; his life was changed forever.What I italicized is telling heavily, in a scene where you should show a bit more. why is he running through the grasslands? How is he feeling his life is permanently changed in the way he moves? and all in all, you could stop this part at: “He ran into the tall grasslands, but he could not smell their sweetness, nor care about the tall blades cutting his face.”, and add a little something about where he’s headed.
He ran until he finally came to a staggering stop and glanced behind him. The air over his home
wasblack with smoke. [as he gasped, going to his knees, why was he so weak?]The horrible memories flashed through his mind. His dead brothers and parents. Vorgan. The duel. The hopelessness. The rescue.All was too vivid.[flashed through his mind, like a whirlpool with no end]His young features contorted [as]. Nahim’s hand strayed to his throat.
Pain. He looked at his fingers. Blood. He tried to talk.Nothing but pain. [Think of how Nahim reacts to this pain instead of saying he’s in pain for a more powerful depiction; does he flinch? try to cry out but cannot?] He let his hand fall and stoodwith mouth open slightly[slackjawed], eyes staring off towardshis old home[the smoke]. How long he remained here, he could never guess; [since he just stopped running, I think this is unnecessary] [does he wonder if he’ll be able to talk again? does this lead him to thinking he’ll never hear his own voice along with the voices of his family?] all he knew was that he was wounded, but his family would not be at his side; his mother would not talk to him and comfort him as she tended it. His father would not ask how he had managed to hurt himself this time. No little brother to ask him to spin it into some brave act of monster-slaying. No older one to chuckle at the mess he had gotten into. Tears rolled more freely. What would he do now? Home was where he belonged. [does he sob but is unable to?]A low, throaty growl resounded from behind him. He turned. A tigros tail bounced above the grasses, its two colors of orange and black mingled in a cloud or swirling water pattern. Usually a tigros wouldn’t dare attack a Realn, especially fully trained and almost fully armored ones. But Nahim was different; he was weary, wounded, and dehydrated. And a Realn with no helmet. [try simplifying this, give Nahim a much shorter moment or realization, maybe he’s initially surprised at it’s bravery, before realizing right before he’s pounced on that he is wounded, and easy prey] The orange and black roughly striped predator leaped to come down on Nahim’s chest plate, sending him smashing to the ground. One large, out stretched paw holding claws of almost one hand in length tried to swipe Nahim’s face, only to be thwarted by Nahims’ sea blue and forest green gauntlet. [then you could inclued here that he was still a Realn, and a mere Tigros was still nothing to him] He gave a hard blow to the beast’s jaw, and it leapt away
with a stiff feline agility,[this is unnecessary description for a faster-paced scene]the young creature realizing it should not mess with a Realn.[if you go by my prior suggestion, this sentence is unnecessary, if not, this still works, what you prefer is best.]But Nahim did not rise. There was no hope for him. [maybe Nahim tries but can’t get up, and realizing that even if he was able to, there would be no hope for him] If the Nanians found him, he would die. And if he tried to keep going, even if no other young impulsive tigros thought he would be an easy kill, he would die of dehydration. If somehow he found flowing water out here, then he would die from the probable infection in his wound. And no one ever went into the vast grasslands. And the Leavar? Suddenly his eyebrows lifted; hereadied his muscles to rise.[tries to get up, to call for Knight but can’t? when he can’t summon him, then this recollection comes] He could almost feel Knight’s breath like that of summer’s hottest air, blowing out of his black nostrils. Those almost invisible scales rubbing lovingly against him, those pupiless red eyes staring into his own. He could feel the red flaps of skin down the creature’s body, he could almost feel himself riding Knight back to his volcanic domain, the pace set by those long black legs veined in red.His wound would be no problem then, for it is said that the saliva of the Laxorian Leavar has healing abilities.[does he imagine how soothing Knight licking his wound clean would be? keep the sensory memory.]Hope sparked, but then the wind of reality and realization blew it out. Nahim let his muscles relax again.[but that would not be] The Leavar would not come. They were now probably in their volcanic caverns swimming in the lava, out of reachof those murderous Nanians[what I just crossed out is already implied from earlier]. He wished he could lift his voice up in a call Knight always had a tuned ear for, the call of his master and friend.What had he been thinking? Here he was, no matter what way he turned, going to die and never fulfill his vow. He would die with no honor. He was stuck with death. After 15 years of his life it had finally come.
His hands fisted into the very roots of the sharp grass. He could barely breathe. He could not tell if he was afraid of death, or just afraid that he would have an honorless death. Nahim let his eyelashes touch the tops of his cheeks as one last tear drifted down his already wet skin.
This is the end.[I think you could mention that he’s going unconscious, or thinks he’s hallucinating his rescuer, if he’s not going to die here]Overall, I really like your story! I would love to see where it goes, and think that your world sounds interesting, as well as your sci-fantasy genre that you seem to be going for, here’s a few more tips/questions:
- you include ships exploding, but what else outside of bug aliens would hint at the technology of this world, is there machinery in Nahim’s armor? is there blaster-fire?
- you refer to a volcano, I think adding some description of it and the eruptions you hint at would be good, as I found myself wondering where the lava was coming from?
- Does Nahim lose his voice permanently? if so, I think that is really cool! It’s a perspective I’d love to see, and you could get really creative with it and could be used for so much!
- You infodump a bit here and there, try introducing us to things as they come up for the characters, Nahim would think of things having to do with his dragon in a way that shows he’s familiar with them, mentioning fantastical elements casually
- I don’t know how the rest of your story is, but always think of the full implications of such things as dragons with healing saliva
- are they hunted and farmed for their saliva?
- are scientists trying to research and create more powerful versions of the saliva?
- are they considered obsolete to technology in other places and people groups? or are they coveted?
- are the dragons sentient?
- try to stick with as little words as possible for dragons, since it sounds like you use several for the same creature, and could lead to some cunfusion
- Also, show emotional things, and the expertise of warriors etc. (you did this rather well with the tigro) and tell passage of time, and things that don’t require convincing the reader. think how Nahim punches the tigro, showing that it’s not really much of a threat to him at the moment.
- are the bug aliens sentient? why did they attack lavar? were they wanting the dragons for their saliva? is is a strategic position?
I hope this helps you!
We crazy people are the normal ones.
also, I’d love to see more of your world!
We crazy people are the normal ones.
Sorry, my internet decided to crash for the exact thirty seconds I tried to post my reply. I’ll reply again tomorrow 🙂
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