Loopy

@savannah_grace2009

Saraaaa… 🥹 Girl you’re so sweet. ❤️

@hybridlore

Ok awesome!! Thanks!

@ellette-giselle

Yeah…Alpha’s probably the most messed up…

@koshka

Rory

Rory jumped. “What? Nothing!” He stood stock still and drew in a slow breath. It’s alright. Leo wont hit me because I ask a question.

Rory ran the tip of his tongue along his lower lip. “I was wondering if we were supposed to get off there or if we were going somewhere else.” He shifted uneasily and made a motion to the elevator.…[Read more]

@rae

you and your messed up warriors!
😆

@linus-smallprint

Overarching Theme. […] What are your thoughts?

This looks good. I’ll note, I feel a bit of a blur between books. (You’re still in the outlining phase so that’s fine.) It’s great that you have his story divided into three areas of growth, but because they’re very similar when it comes to the actions Alan has to take, you need…[Read more]

@loopylin

Hehehe Alpha has more knives than social skills

Yep lol

Though, Dante better tread carefully, he has struck a nerve.

Alpha

Something dangerous flashed in Alpha’s eyes. “In no way is it stupid,” He growled. “Think for a second how you would fear such things if you were created in a lab. How would you feel if such things gave you life…[Read more]

@loopylin

Yep, it’s good. :]

@hybridlore

Okay, I see what you mean. Are you thinking like, within their friend groups? Most of the story so far takes place either at school, the church meetings, or their house. Later, though, there will probably be a lot of scenes at their respective job assignments, so you’ll get to see more of the culture then. Do you have any ideas for s…

[Read more]

@koshka

Rory

“Bolts and screws, bolts and screws.” Rory muttered slowly. For the amount of things they taught in Academy, there was very little about normal life. Mostly about killing and the most effective ways to do it. Rory racked his brain. The two words were familiar, but he couldn’t remember having encountered the things they repre…[Read more]

@rae

🫢

I can not believe he just said that to Dante

@rae

I would say it was fulfilled rather than changed. The Bible says not a dot not an iota will go away and nothing will change. (Murdering the wording, but that’s the raw meaning)

Otherwise yeah! Looking forward to the next part.

@loopylin np

Alpha

Alpha blinked. “No, not exactly. I’m a warrior, so I fight wherever in the stars they want me this time. Only time I ever thought of assassination was with some of those annoying lords in the Council, but if I did that, they’d probably lock me up again. And that’s no fun. I think they like sticking me with needles.” A shudder…[Read more]

@ellette-giselle

I will need to clear this up in the story i guess. I didn’t mean all the laws, I meant more the changes in that we no longer have to sacrifice animals because Jesus came as the ultimate sacrifice. The laws changed in little ways because Hope had finally come, we didn’t have to wait for it.

I will make this clearer in the text,…[Read more]

@hybridlore @esther-c @theducktator

Thanks y’all!!

@whalekeeper @loopylin

Praying 🙏

@rae

this was another good section. I feel like you’re really sinking into a good style and voice with this. I had a slight problem with one sentence though.

When Immanuel came, the laws God previously had placed changed.

I don’t see that in the Bible. If anything, the laws were reinforced more strongly. (You have heard it said do not commit adu…[Read more]

Thankfully it’s not canon for obvious reasons.

@linus-smallprint

Who is James? (I think I want him to be someone who is laid back and jokes around a lot, but occasionally has a moment where he shows surprising wisdom.

oh. That’s not at all how I pictured him.

idk if this is a good idea, but I pictured him as quieter and much more thoughtful. Someone who is constantly watching and l…[Read more]

@the_lost-journal

well there is like two ships that are straight… BUT ONE OF THEM IS WITH A BROTHER AND SISTER! THESE PEOPLE ARE TWISTED IN THE MIND!!!!!!)

ngl incest ships are worse for me. Gay ships? Disgusting. I hate them. But at the same time, that’s the way the world is going, and while I don’t agree with it I’m not gonna be surpris…[Read more]

@rae oooh! His old friend came to stay where he was, that’s nice!

@esther-c

It looks a lot better! One thing I noticed is that Antonio does say “fabuloso” twice.

“Then the topic conveniently comes up in a conversation with Easton.”

Also, I feel like this might be better if you just change it to “Then I can ask Easton” or something like that. Otherwise, it looks great! I like the way you made Hallie more rea…[Read more]