Beth

@rae

Oh and the paragraph about heaven and hell didn’t seem too preachy. I mean, I think it’s fine to have it in there since it was really short. Great job on the description of that, too! I think it works well.

@rae

I thought it ended really well, I liked the mentor-y moment with Master Paul! I didn’t really understand what Cubespace was entirely, so the whole incident confused me a little.

I think Master Paul asked Nahim to fly the ship, but Nahim said no, so the Master left him there on the controls? And then Nahim stabilized it and went to yell at…[Read more]

Btw what’s this place like?

@imtoolazytotaganyonelol

K, here’s my character (s, I guess). This is pretty rough, but it should get the idea across. They’re also pretty underdeveloped but that’s why I chose them.

Zahlin (the ‘H’ is silent):

Zahlin is somewhere around 6’6”. He has shaggy black hair streaked with grey. Not sure about his eyes yet. Pale skin. His hands are cov…[Read more]

@jonas

Okay!

@jonas

So I guess that chapter by itself doesn’t seem necessary, but the Pythonos is going to kidnap her and Jyron and use them as hostages so that their father will provide military forces and supplies to start a war against the Paynes.

Does that make sense?

@jonas

 I did mention a possible explanation for why the prisoners might call it that, although I’m not sure it would account for why the Pythonos do.

There are other “units”, this is just the main one and the most important one.

Okay though, that would be hilarious if that actually happened, if Marcurious asked Jraldath why it’s called the UN…[Read more]

I know it’s a little rough, but it’s my first draft so definitely far from perfect, lol

@jonas

Here’s a little snippet from the next chapter from Liv’s POV:

Chapter 17

“I’ll race you to the brook,” Jyran smiled crookedly over his shoulder, barely giving Livia a chance to agree before giving his mount Irwin a gentle squeeze with his calves and galloping away in a cloud of dirt.

Liv tucked a strand of her azure hair behind her ear,…

[Read more]

@jonas

Okay, I’ll work on the idea about the horses.

EXU…I kind of like that. We’ll see though. Imagine if I did do EU…and someone from Europe read that, they’d be like “Europe’s not like that at all!” jk.

@jonas

I might just keep it the UNIT, then.

You keep asking, though, why it is the “unit” and how is it the definition of the word. I tend to be lazy and not overthink it. Correct me if I’m wrong but does it really matter why it’s called that? If so, why does it matter? (sorry if I sound like a brat rn, I’m just kind of confused.) It is just a…[Read more]

@jonas

Sorry. Brain fart. I meant EU. (Why did I put P?) But then that reminds me of the abbreviation for Europe. So idk.

@jonas @thearcaneaxiom

So in my WIP, Liv has a horse named Xandro. I was thinking that all the races have horses that are intelligent and match the “color scheme” and have the same powers. For example: Liv in an Aquino, she has blue hair, eyes, skin, clothes, and has the power to manipulate water. Xandro has a blue coat, eyes, hooves, mane and…[Read more]

@esther-c

Yeah, ofc!

@jonas

In that case, maybe the prison could be split into several units and you could call this one the ‘Experimental Unit’

Okay, I like that. Maybe I could call it the EP instead of the UNIT for short? (I know, so creative…not.)

@koshka

Hello.

Now that we know each other, here’s a list of random questions about your WIP!

1. Does Igua like fish?

2. With such an aversion to butter knives, is eating butter a problem?

3. About how old is Igua at the beginning of your story?

4. What do you think inspired his character the most?

Hello, I’m called Ru or Ruee.

1. No, he d…[Read more]

@jonas

I love conviction! And oh my gosh, Flaz would drive Ellis insane, this is going to be hilarious!

@hybridlore

Oh! you didn’t have to read the entire thing today!!! Oh, well.

The biggest things I noticed were again, really long paragraphs. I think it would be easier to read if you split them up, but it’s up to you.

Yeah, I’ve only gotten to chapter four with my paragraph revisions

What did you think of the scene in The Deal? Ya, know, this pa…[Read more]

Okay, here’s chapter 7

CHAPTER 7-THE INVESTIGATONS
The suns were bright and shining over Ladance as two Laxdains came walking together through the dusty streets. One was taller, dressed in red coarse, but durable, clothing with a powerful blaster strapped to his side, from his thigh to his knee. The other was shorter, but with tailored and…

[Read more]

@jonas

Yeah, that’s happened to me too before!