Hannah

Hey, I like this! I love the quirky, matter-of-fact narrator voice and the concise, efficiently steady pace.

Only a few things— this line

and spoke a brief conversation in Swahili

is a little odd. I think it’s just the ‘spoke a brief conversation’. Is there another way to say this?
Also, I would have liked a description of Savanna…[Read more]

@kate-flournoy – your link worked and the story is posted for all who wish to read it. Please feel free to critique it too. (I looooove criticism) 😛

At the very least I’d be painfully aware of how much more capably my brother could handle the situation if he were here.

Yes, you oldest children have no idea… 😉 😛

Hm, for some reason my link didn’t work. I’ll try it again. short story forum

Let’s see if that works. :/

Yes, post it, @bluejay! There’s a for short stories here. 🙂

Well obviously it depends on their relationship… but for my part, if I had an older brother whom I really, really admired and looked up to, that’s what I’d ask myself, especially if I wasn’t very experienced myself.

Really depends on his personality and the circumstances, I would think.
I mean, was the danger of this happening obvious before? Was he fearing this would happen? Or was this a total bolt out of the blue for him? And how was the message delivered? Gently, or someone unsympathetically bursting it on him?
I’m not sure if you do the MBTI for your…[Read more]

@ivy-rose Holy smokes, the different sides of the state really do make quite a difference in temps. We’re just hanging out around 30 degrees in the daytime right now and dipping down in the 10s at night. 😛

@blue-jay That would be just fine with me! It would probably help to see in the context of the full story. 🙂 If you think it’s too long, you…[Read more]

How about something like:

Life is full of dangers, but they shouldn’t stop us from living it to the full.

Although some of the other ideas which have been given are probably better than mine. 🙂

@Ivy-Rose – It would be that in America. So when it is 30 degrees in Australia is would be like 86 in America. So because it is 5 degrees where you are is would be -15 for me. (Boy, I’m glad I’m in Aus) And yes, yes yes…why don’t you come to Australia? 😛 Just fly over and have the best holiday of your life, sweating out here, swatting flies,…[Read more]

@Daeus I’m sure we all thank you we don’t live in a black hole. We are very grateful. 😉

@Joy-Schmidt okay… I think I got it. I’ll just ask a few general questions to get you started. First off, is he cautious because he doesn’t have experience? If so, the caution is going to be one of uncertainty and indecisive fear, with lots of nail-biting,…[Read more]

RA is by John Flanagan. And with a bit of fixing, they are an awesome series. If you haven’t read them you should!!!
It sounds like a book that I would cry at. (Everything makes me cry. I feel for all the heroes and when they cry so do I) Whenever we watch a movie that we know is going to be sad, my siblings say “Let’s get out the bathers and…[Read more]

Haha. Never read it. In fact hadn’t heard of it till now. 😛

I find I actually prefer to write about males then females. Seeing as my favourite topic to write about is war, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised!!!
@joy-schmidt have you watched Narnia-Prince Caspian? (I’ve only just watched it. So good. Cried heaps and heaps.) Your prince makes me think of him. He is calm and cautious, but when he learns about…[Read more]

Yikes… that depends so much on the guy’s personality. The prince’s, I mean. If I was the prince I would probably faint… but I’m sure that’s not helpful. 😛

Can you sketch out his personality a little? I could tell you so much more that way.

Thank you. I’ve been sleeping while you’ve all been thinking and writing. 🙂 Hehe The joys of living in a different time zone. 😛
@writefury – the line “Again, not a smart thing to say” is actually a tie-in to a previous comment.
I really wish you could all read the story. It is probably too long to post on the forum. But you’d be able critique it…[Read more]

G’day, Tessa! Welcome to Kingdom Pen! 😀
Great story bit so far. 🙂 Let’s see… I had the same exact line as Kate’s first one pop into my head for that… so I’ll think of something else.
Maybe, “Life is full of dangers, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be faced”? I think the main problem there is that you used to many words and the point is…[Read more]

Great job! 🙂 One correction I’d make in the opening verse to make it flow a little smoother:

For many years I’ve known;
We aren’t supposed to fear
I’d heard of “perfect love”
But never let it come so near

I’d add in a “that” in the second line so it’s “That we aren’t supposed to fear.” Just helps the rhythm to have that extra beat there. 🙂

Thanks, @hope and @jadamae! 🙂
Actually, my mom had that same theory about the neighbor being some bad guy agent trying to aid in the theft of the documents. It hadn’t occurred to me, but thinking about it, it actually works. So, feel free to think what you want on that topic. 😛