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G’day All, (I’m Australian)
Yes, I am new to the forum but I have been following it quite closely. But I got stuck while writing a short story and I decided to see what you guys could come up with.
Here is part of the story and the line I don’t like.“Us? Go to Africa? How could we afford it? Think how dangerous – and anyway we’re both swamped with work.”
“Hey,” I cut in. “There are swamps in Africa, too. And probably crocodiles living in them.” Ok, not the smartest thing in the world to say.
Dad shushed me and turned to Mum. “I know, so I’ve been thinking, what if we just send Anna?”
I choked on my pasta. When I’d finally regained my breath and assured Mum that I was fine, like ten times, I turned to Dad.
“Really? You’d let me go visit Uncle Daniel all by myself? Wow!”
“That’s just the thing,” protested Mum. “All by yourself. No. I’m sorry Anna, but I can’t do that. Daniel might be careless and you’ll be eaten by lions or charged by a rhino.”
“At least I have a debit card,” I quipped. Again, not a smart thing to say!
Mum gave me a ‘that’s-not-funny’ look. Dad’s lips twitched.
“I’m serious, Anna. Anything could happen out there.”
“Anything could happen here, Linda.” Dad looked Mum squarely in the eye. “She could be hit by a car, or a savage dog could jump a fence and maul her, or the flat could collapse if we had an earthquake or…”
I could see Dad was warming to his topic. If he continued, Mum would be so scared she’d never allow me to walk down the street to get an ice-cream. So I butted in again.
“I think we get the picture, Dad,” I said.
Dad caught on quickly. He stopped what he was going to say, probably that a meteorite might hit the school, and continued on with his point.
“It doesn’t stop us letting her go to school.” I knew the meteorite was going to be his next example. “Or letting her go to see her friends, or letting her live in the flat. Life is full of dangers *but it shouldn’t stop us from doing things in life.*”So when I write I (it actually the girl called Anna) The line with * is the one that I feel is just too weak. I use it later in the when her Uncle Daniel tells her that the baby giraffe has to go back, so it needs to be able to be used for both human and animals. So put on your thinking caps and let the creative juices flow. Can’t wait to see what you all come up with.
You’ll all have to excuse spelling errors and grammatical problems. I am dreadful with checking my own work. *And I call myself a writer!!!!!!!!!!!* 😀
Hey Tessa Just! Australia— that’s so cool! 🙂 Welcome to the forum.
What about just ‘ Life is full of dangers, but that shouldn’t stop us from living it.”
@kate-flournoy – Thanks. That’s a good way to say it for humans but I’m not sure if it works for animals. Here is the other part of the story where it is used.
“Savanna’s not a pet, Anna.”
“Yeah, I know but…”
“No ‘buts’.”
“But I want her to be safe. It’s so dangerous out there. Anything could happen.”
I could feel tears coming to my eyes. Uncle Daniel reached over and gave my shoulder a squeeze.
“I know. A ranger gets to see close up how cruel things can be in the wild. But it would be even more cruel to keep Savanna locked up. Life is full of dangers *but it shouldn’t stop us from letting Savanna do things in her life.”*
See if you think it works. I’m still thinking 😛Ohhhhhhhhhh… somehow I missed that they were animals. *oops*
Sorry about that. 😛
Or… are they animals? Are Anna and her parents animals? Or are you just looking for a good line that will fit with both animals and humans?If so…
Well, let’s see. Oh boy. Ummmm… *squinches eyes up meditatively* ‘Just because life is dangerous doesn’t mean we should hide ourselves away and never really live’? Heh-heh… how’s that. Somehow I get the feeling it just doesn’t cut it.
I’ll let you know when I come up with something positively brilliant.
#likethatsgoingtohappen 😛
Why Hello Tessa! So glad you’ve joined us here on the forum!
Australia is a simply wonderful place to be from!
Your book sounds like a lovely story! I like how Anna starts on one side of the perspective when her mom isn’t sure about sending her on her own and then it turns out that Anna ends up on the other side of the perspective, wanting to be provetive and a provider for Savanna. Neat!Here’s an idea for that line…
“Life is full of dangers, but we can’t let that keep us from living outside of these walls.”
(substitute for these walls, you could possibly use “a fence” or something of that sort)Or…
“Life is full of dangers, but we can’t let that trap us inside these walls.”
When did you start writing? And what’s your favorite genre? 🙂
https://rolenahatfield.com/
@kate-flournoy- Anna and her parents aren’t animals. She goes to Africa (Masai Mara reserve) to stay with her uncle. There she rescues a baby giraffe stuck in the mud (Savanna) and falls in love with her.
I like yours. I really like the “hide away” part.@rolena-hatfield – Yes Australia is an awesome place. At the moment we are in our second month of summer and it is a sweltering heat of about 30C inside (which is about 86F). But summer is my favourite month so I don’t really mind. (Which is really weird cause I was born in winter!!! But I find I get sick more often when it is wet on cold.:()
Yes, I love how Anna experiences what her mum was feeling. This is probably my favourite story that I’ve written yet. Thanks for your suggestions. I’ll probably end up writing them all down and see which one my eldest sister likes the best.
I started writing when I was about 15? (I think :S) My first story was a miserable flop, but I have slowly been improving. I’m not up to novel writing yet though.
I have no real idea what my favourite genre is. I love romance but I’m not good at writing it as I generally need to experience the situations to make them believable. But I like writing cute and funny stories and I especially love writing for children. Below are two bits out of my two favourite stories that I wrote, to give you an idea of the stories I love.
Anna’s Savanna –
Have you ever wanted to say that you have owned the weirdest pet in the world? A pet that no one else has owned before? A pet that makes people envy you? I have. I am a typical teenager living in a typical flat in a typical city. Boring. My name is Anna. Boring. I have straight brown hair. Boring. And nothing exciting ever happens to me. But one day that all changed.
Princess Tess and the Perfect Story –
Tess had one very good friend. He was a commoner with a common name – Tom – a common job – blacksmith – and lots of common sense. 🙂Hi Tessa, glad you joined us.
I thought of this:
“Life is full of dangers, but the greatest danger of all is to hide from it.”
🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢
G’day, Tessa! Welcome to Kingdom Pen! 😀
Great story bit so far. 🙂 Let’s see… I had the same exact line as Kate’s first one pop into my head for that… so I’ll think of something else.
Maybe, “Life is full of dangers, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be faced”? I think the main problem there is that you used to many words and the point is sort of lost. Brevity is the essence of wit, after all. It’s a great arc word idea, though. You could do a ton with it if we hone it down to a nice, short line. 🙂
One other little thing I might take out is the line “Again, not a smart thing to say!”
There’s the “show, don’t tell” rule, and you do a great job of showing that it wasn’t a smart thing to say by her parents’ reactions in the next line. It’s just not all that necessary as far as I see.
Great job! 🙂Thank you. I’ve been sleeping while you’ve all been thinking and writing. 🙂 Hehe The joys of living in a different time zone. 😛
@writefury – the line “Again, not a smart thing to say” is actually a tie-in to a previous comment.
I really wish you could all read the story. It is probably too long to post on the forum. But you’d be able critique it for me too and it would most likely make more sense.
(Here is the other line)
“Us? Go to Africa? How could we afford it? Think how dangerous – and anyway we’re both swamped with work.”
“Hey,” I cut in. “There are swamps in Africa, too. And probably crocodiles living in them.” Ok, not the smartest thing in the world to say.Hi Tessa! Nice to meet you! Your story sounds very interesting. I am a sucker for anything that has to do with rescuing animals. 🙂
Oh my…it’s 86 degrees in Australia? Can I please come visit? 🙂 I am freezing my toes off here in Eastern Washington (State). It’s a balmy 5 degrees outside right now. BRRRRRR!!!
Glad to have you here on the forum!
@Ivy-Rose – It would be that in America. So when it is 30 degrees in Australia is would be like 86 in America. So because it is 5 degrees where you are is would be -15 for me. (Boy, I’m glad I’m in Aus) And yes, yes yes…why don’t you come to Australia? 😛 Just fly over and have the best holiday of your life, sweating out here, swatting flies, and getting gorgeously tanned. 😀 Except it is actually cold here and raining.
To the rest, would you like me to post the rest of my story for you all to read? It shouldn’t be toooooo long as it is only a short story. Let me know.How about something like:
Life is full of dangers, but they shouldn’t stop us from living it to the full.
Although some of the other ideas which have been given are probably better than mine. 🙂
INTJ - Inhumane. No-feelings. Terrible. Judgment and doom on everyone.
@ivy-rose Holy smokes, the different sides of the state really do make quite a difference in temps. We’re just hanging out around 30 degrees in the daytime right now and dipping down in the 10s at night. 😛
@blue-jay That would be just fine with me! It would probably help to see in the context of the full story. 🙂 If you think it’s too long, you could put it up in parts as well.
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