Home Page › Forums › Fiction Writing › Critiques › Novel Critique Requests › NEW and IMPROVED WIP!!!!!
- This topic has 347 replies, 15 voices, and was last updated 10 hours, 38 minutes ago by Keilah H..
-
AuthorPosts
-
July 18, 2024 at 7:32 am #183089
“break” not “brake”. “Brake” is like brakes on a car, “break”
Ok has anyone discovered my weak-point yet? Just take a look above and you will know the one thing I CAN NEVER GET RIGHT FOR THE LIFE OF ME! Grammar is…….. grammar is horrid.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
July 18, 2024 at 9:21 am #183092hahaha! You’re fine!
Personally I love grammar but that’s just me XD XD
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333July 18, 2024 at 9:28 am #183094Personally I love grammar but that’s just me XD XD
What is wrong with you! lol
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
July 18, 2024 at 9:45 am #183096NOOO! Grammar is sooo much fun though!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333July 18, 2024 at 5:03 pm #183166Personally I love grammar but that’s just me XD XD
You are not alone. Grammar is awesome!
🎵For our blessed lady's sake, bring us in good ale!🎵
July 20, 2024 at 10:45 pm #183299@ellette-giselle @grcr and @highscribeofaetherium (CASSIAN SCENE) idk who else to tag @jonas (don’t read this if you don’t feel like it, or are busy…)
Chapter 14
A New Adventure
Sef stood in the kitchen, tears pricking behind her eyes.
The house was so empty…so vacant. It felt wrong.
Her heavy pack dug into her shoulders, an ever present reminder of the life they were leaving, and the new one they were living.
Sef knew she was only moving a few blocks to the east, away from the border where crime was high and the Pythonos frequented often. Driven to desperation, Sef’s neighbors would do anything for a single agate, let alone two hundred sapphires…
Like turning in my sister.
She knew they had to leave. The border was no place for a baby.
But knowing didn’t make leaving the only home she’d ever known any easier.
Glancing at the wall, she stiffened as she caught sight of the only thing that was left hanging up…a picture of her pani.
Neveah had left him there.
Sef balled her hands up into fists, a single tear tracing her jawline as she pulled the picture off the wall and cradled it close. She would take her pani with her. She turned to leave.
But maybe her mani was right, she realized with a sharp pang of grief.
She’d spent eight years grieving since he left, eight years praying and hoping he’d come back. Hoping that his love for them was stronger than any obstacle and he’d realize how much he needed them.
Sef traced the dusty photograph with gentle fingers, looking into her pani’s smiling eyes.
Maybe it was time to accept that he wasn’t coming back.
Maybe it was time to move on.
Maybe he never loved me after all.
She blinked back tears and hung the picture back on the wall.
“Goodbye, Pani,” she whispered. “I love you.”
And then, before she could change her mind, she turned around and left, closing the door behind her. “Goodbye house,” she sniffed. “I’ll never forget,” she said, mostly to herself.
Neveah was waiting for her at the narrow path behind her house, carrying a large laundry bag with holes cut for ventilation, Hanna safely concealed inside.
“Ready?”
“Yeah,” Sef nodded, wiping away the last of her tears.
“We’re starting a new chapter,” Neveah put an arm around her daughter, pulling her close. “A new adventure.”
And with that, the two of them began their journey.
Sef stepped up to the wooden door and knocked, the sound bringing back memories of the night when Hanna was born.
Only this time, the door was answered much sooner.
“Sef, Neveah!” Indie smiled, tucking loose strands of hair back into her tight bun at the nape of her neck. “And baby Hanna?” she dropped her voice lower, motioning with her eyes towards the laundry bag. Neveah nodded.
“Come in!” Indie motioned them in, after embracing both Sef and Neveah tightly. “Azazel and Cass have been working all morning to get the cellar fixed up for you three. It’s certainly not a mansion or anything but-”
“We’ll manage,” Neveah squeezed Sef’s hand. “Thank you so much,” she sighed.
Sef still couldn’t wrap her mind around the fact that she was going to live with Lilitu’s family. And it had all happened so fast! The day after Hanna was born, Indie visited the three of them and proposed that they live with them, at least until Hanna had her second birthday and it was safe again.
They had spent the rest of the day packing up their things for the move.
Now Hanna was three days old, and Sef couldn’t imagine life without her.
In a matter of days, her life was so different. She was living with Lilitu’s family–she still couldn’t comprehend it. It felt strange…but not a bad kind of strange.
They’d eat meals together, live in the same house…except Neveah, Sef, and Hanna would sleep in an old cellar behind the house for privacy.
Sef always knew how kind Indie and Azazel were, but this was beyond kindness.
This was love, she realized. In everything they did, Indie and Azazel showed the love of the Great One to everyone.
I want to be like that too, Sef thought to herself, a wide smile lighting up her face.
***
Sef slid into her seat at the table in between Lilitu and her mani.
Eating meals together was already a normal occurrence; even before the move they were practically family.
Except now they were actually living with them.
Across the table, Cass winked at her, and she blushed, quickly averting her eyes.
Unfortunately, her feelings for him had not faded with time—they seemed to have grown stronger. Now that they were living together…Sef knew that would set her up for more awkward situations. She smiled at her sister, who was asleep in Neveah’s lap…if only to distract herself from staring into Cass’s eyes.
“It’s done!” Indie carried a steaming pot to the table, and the delicious smell made Sef’s mouth water.
If Indie was cooking, it was sure to be good—no, good was the understatement of the century. There was no word to describe the perfection of Indie’s cooking.
“I think everyone’s here,” Indie scanned the faces at the table. “Would you like to say grace, Azazel?”
Azazel nodded. Everyone joined hands around the table. Sef reached for Lilitu’s hand, as always. It was normal for her, she’d sat in this seat next to him for as long as she could remember, reaching for his hand during the blessing since she was a child. But this time, he looked away and hesitated, before finally taking her hand. His face was now the exact shade of a tomato, and Cass snorted.
And then Sef noticed the empty chair in between Cassian and Azazel. “Where’s-”
“I’m here,” Eloy stomped down the stairs, rolling his eyes.
“We forgot about Eloy!” Indie realized, shaking her head. “Sorry,” she shrugged.
“It’s fine,” Eloy dropped into his chair. “I’m used to it.”
“Hey, it’s okay, it’s not your fault you’re so forgettable,” Cassian teased.
But it was true. Everyone seemed to forget about Eloy, although he was the most unique in the family. Cass and Lilitu looked almost exactly alike—same icy blue eyes, same golden brown hair, same tan skin with blue freckles. They both took after Azazel. Eloy, however, was a different breed.
He had Indie’s violet eyes, bright blonde hair—a trait no one in his family had, and pale skin.
Nonetheless, Eloy was quiet—when he wanted to be, and when he didn’t want to be found, he seemed to melt into the shadows. Unlike his charismatic brothers, he was grumpy and often slipped away for hours at a time.
Everyone rejoined hands and bowed their heads.
“Honored Tlavian,” Azazel began, using the term for the Great One’s Son, “Thank you for gathering us all here today, and for providing a roof over our heads and keeping us all safe. Please bless this food. Your Name be praised.”
“Forever and ever,” the others chorused, and Sef released Lilitu’s hand, holding onto her mother’s a moment longer.
Eloy reached across the table for the first helping of soup, but Cassian smacked his wrist.
“Let our guests go first,” he chided. Eloy gave Cass a withering glare, but Cassian only laughed. “Specifically Sef,” he gently pushed the large pot across the table. Sef felt her cheeks grow hot as everyone watched her ladle the soup into her bowl, and then filling her mani’s as well.
“Thank you,” Neveah acknowledged her, and then Sef shoved the pot to her left, to Lilitu. Apparently she had shoved it more aggressively than she had intended, and the soup nearly sloshed into Lilitu’s lap.
“Sorry,” she whispered, blushing again and rolling her eyes as Cass clicked his tongue and shook his head disapprovingly.
Why did Cass have to be so……Cass?
She turned her attention back to the soup, trying to stop replaying the embarrassing incident with the soup, to no avail.
“Lilitu, it’s hot!” Indie’s warning made Sef start, and she looked to her left to see that it was too late…
Lilitu’s face turned an even darker shade of red…and Sef had a feeling it had nothing to do with being embarrassed.
He jerked his head back, choking on a cough and frantically reached for a glass of water, intending to pour it down his throat—which was surely burnt by now—but instead spilled half of it down the front of his shirt.
Sef and Cass looked at each other across the table, and though Sef was trying with all her might not to laugh, Cass was cackling like a witch and nearly fell out of his chair…which in turn made Sef actually laugh.
Meanwhile, Lilitu sat there, fuming, and Sef tried not to look at him, knowing she’d burst out laughing again.
“Why does this always happen to me?” he muttered, using the napkin to blot the water from his shirt, and the soup was passed around the table.
An awkward silence settled over the table as the others began to slurp up the soup, making sure to blow on each spoonful as to avoid an unfortunate incident like Lilitu’s.
As the first spoonful hit Sef’s tongue, her eyes practically bugged out of her head.
“Is it…good?” Indie asked, concerned.
Sef shook her head and swallowed hard. “It’s not good. It’s….” she searched for the right words. “The best soup I’ve ever had!” She could tell Indie was trying not to smile, but she couldn’t help it.
“Thank you, Sef!”
“Is it a new recipe?” Neveah wanted to know.
Indie nodded. “I came up with it myself,” she looked down at her soup, and Sef could tell she was proud of it. As she should be.
“It’s…okay,” Eloy remarked, his bowl already downed. That was the best compliment anyone could ever hope to get from Eloy.
“Delicious, as always, my love,” Azazel kissed Indie on the cheek.
Sef could already tell she was going to love living with them.
She felt like a part of their family…and she knew that whatever the future brought, she could bear it as long as she had this family by her side.
***
“Well?”
Sef giggled. “Cass, I can’t see where I’m going…you haven’t taken the blindfold off.”
“Oh. Right.”
The blindfold fell from her eyes—
And then she gasped. “This can’t be-I mean-it’s perfect, but-” she stammered, taking in the cellar which was to be their home–though now she could hardly tell that it was once a cellar. The dirt walls were lined with wood…there was a small fireplace in one corner, and a large bed and a small crib on the floor. And next to the bed was Indie’s favorite orange and purple floral rug.
“It’s all yours,” Cassian assured her.
Sef nearly cried. They were all so kind to her…
You don’t deserve it, the familiar voice reared its ugly head. If they only saw how awful you can be…they wouldn’t even let you live here.
“I can’t. I don’t deserve this,” Sef whispered.
“Yeah you do,” Cass said. “Birdie, don’t worry about it. Just think of it as a thank-you present for being Lilitu’s friend,” he shrugged.
And then without another word, she stepped closer to Cassian and wrapped her arms around him. “Thank you.” He squeezed back.
“Don’t mention it. It was nothing, really.” he paused. “If you or your mani want to rearrange the furniture, knock yourself out. I know you women have a sixth sense for decorating.” He shrugged, and then climbed back up the stairs, closing the door above them.
A moment later, the door opened and Neveah came down the stairs.
“What-they shouldn’t have!” tears welled up in her eyes. “It’s perfect.”
“I know,” Sef said, taking Hanna from Neveah’s arms and laying her gently in her crib. Hanna hardly stirred. “I think she likes it,” Sef smiled down at her.
Nestled underground in their cozy cellar of a home, Sef couldn’t think of a better place to stay during their adventure.
- This reply was modified 5 months, 1 week ago by Sara.
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333July 20, 2024 at 10:54 pm #183302Lilitu!🤣🤣🤣 Oh my goodness, it’s The Great Soup Incident! Poor forgotten Eloy, though.😞
🎵For our blessed lady's sake, bring us in good ale!🎵
July 20, 2024 at 11:03 pm #183304YES we love Lilitu 💗💗💗💗
I think Eloy is starting to grow on me…
I don’t like Cass anymore. He’s just annoying…the way he LEADS SEF ON drives me INSANE. (he’s 18 and SHE’S ONLY 12!!!!!)
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333July 20, 2024 at 11:11 pm #183305HE’S DOING IT INTENTIONALLY?!?! I THOUGHT HE WAS OBLIVIOUS! CASSIAN, DON’T YOU DARE BREAK SEF’S HEART. LILITU IS WAY MORE DESERVING OF HER.
Yeah, I like Eloy. How old is he again?
🎵For our blessed lady's sake, bring us in good ale!🎵
July 20, 2024 at 11:15 pm #183306YES HE IS
you’ll see why when we get a little farther in.
Eloy is 15 (i think)
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333July 20, 2024 at 11:23 pm #183309Oh no. I liked you, Cassian! Don’t hurt Sef, she’s gone through a lot. (And will go through more, since she’s the main character.) Lilitu, go buy your girl a comfort stuffie. Maybe a toad?
🎵For our blessed lady's sake, bring us in good ale!🎵
July 20, 2024 at 11:30 pm #183310hahahaha lol
And will go through more, since she’s the main character.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA 😬😬😬
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333July 20, 2024 at 11:57 pm #183311Yeah, she definitely needs a stuffed toad. Named Bartholomew, or Lollihops, or Snugglepie, or Melchizedek. And maybe some chocolate.
🎵For our blessed lady's sake, bring us in good ale!🎵
July 21, 2024 at 7:55 am #183314WAIT WHAT? Cassian’s doing it on purpose? That’s rotten. I liked him. Btw though, the age gap is not bad, especially with the time period. So…. you’re going to have to use more the the age-gap to show that he’s leading her on.
I like Elroy too, I kinda always did, I just didn’t know much about him. I can sense something deeper here then what he shows on the surface.
Poor lilitu. Can’t say I haven’t seen boys do that.
My friend’s husband spilled coke on her at dinner the first night he came over when they were courting. lol. It happens.
And fixing the mistake normally makes it worse. It makes me think of the scene in the movie Paddington 2 when he’s trying to get the stains off of Knuckle’s apron. lololol.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
July 21, 2024 at 8:42 am #183317Wait, Cass is leading her on? Why would he do that?
Btw though, the age gap is not bad, especially with the time period.
I think it’s a pretty sucky age gap but I guess that’s beside the point. Does this world have a time period tied to it? Sef was looking at a photograph at one point and it made me curious.
#ProtectAdolinKholin
-
AuthorPosts
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.