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@lightoverdarkness6 @mineralizedwritings @freedomwriter76 @godlyfantasy12 @felicity @theloonyone
So, in these chapters (specifically 8), I noticed I had some trouble with transitioning from one place to the next. Any tips on that??
Chapter 7
Everton excitedly turned to Asher after hanging up the call with Ami. “Asher,” he said. “We’re leaving.”
“What?”
“The Nadirs are leaving The Orb tomorrow morning. They’re looking for ‘the cure’ that Len talked about. You remember me telling you.”
Asher walked over to him, nodding. He put his thumbs into his pockets. “Yeah. I uh…”
Ev cocked his head. This was something he’d been waiting for his whole life. “What’s wrong? Do you not want to leave?”
“No… no I do. It’s just… I thought it could be just you and I. Not sure if I wanna travel with others.”
“Oh,” Ev replied. “But… I already asked them if you and Lukas could come along. Come on, Asher.”
He shrugged and sighed. “Okay.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah. It’s fine.” He walked back into the kitchen to finish eating dinner. Everton tried to shake off Asher’s behavior. He was acting differently. He pushed the thought out of his head. He shouldn’t worry. After all, his life was really about to begin.
Everton joined Asher at the table. “So, how do you think we can get Lukas out of the house?”
“You could call him and have him meet us somewhere.”
“Naw. That wouldn’t be safe for him all on his own. We need to go get him. We’ll have him sneak out of the house tonight.”
“Right,” Asher agreed.
Everton hopped up out of his seat and called Lukas. He explained what would happen. Lukas hesitantly agreed. Wasn’t more than what Ev had expected, though. He was rarely confident about anything.
Late that night, both Asher and Everton silently traveled back to their house. It was four in the morning. Ev smothered a yawn as they waited at the corner of the house. They heard some noises in the house. He cringed as he heard something fall to the ground. Why Lukas? Ev thought. For once don’t be so clumsy.
After some bumbling through the dark house, Lukas finally came outside with his duffel bag. His face was so pale with fear, it almost seemed to glow in the dark. Ev grabbed his arm and forced him to walk in between him and Asher. “Couldn’t you have been more quiet?” He hissed.
Lukas shrugged. “I tried.” He said, his voice rising in pitch. He lowered his voice to a whisper. “Everton, I’m scared.”
Ev sighed and closed his eyes. “Don’t be. We’re about to leave The Orb. Come on. You know you’ve always wanted to.”
Lukas didn’t reply as they continued down the dark streets. The dim street lights provided just enough light so they could see where they were walking. They reached the deserted park and waited behind a tree for the Nadirs. The family soon arrived along with Artemis, their Doberman pinscher.
The Nadirs stood in the gazebo looking around. Everton, Asher, and Lukas joined them. They all greeted each other with nervous smiles. “You ready?” Ruben asked.
Ev smirked. “More than you could imagine.”
Ruben nodded. He cast a glance at his wife. Adalynn offered a small smile. Amidala came up to Everton, holding Artermis’ leash. She quickly looked at his brothers, but turned her attention to Ev. “I’m nervous.”
Ev rolled his eyes. “You’re always nervous when doing something new.”
Ami opened her mouth. Her family chuckled. She closed her mouth and raised an eyebrow, crossing her arms and humphing. Everton shook his head. “Just kidding… maybe.”
Ev took a quick look over at Lukas who was staring at an oblivious Skyler. Ev leaned over to whisper in his ear, “Her name’s Skyler.”
Even in the dark, he could tell that Lukas was blushing. “Oh, okay,” he said, looking down at his navy blue Vans. Everton chuckled. He faced the Nadirs again. He motioned to both of his brothers in turn. “These are my brothers Lukas and Asher.”
Both Destry and Ruben walked right up and shook their hands. “Nice to meet you,” Destry said to Asher. Asher squinted, “I think I know you,” he said.
Destry tilted his head. Asher snapped his fingers, “You’re Destry! I’ve heard girls talk about you a lot.”
Destry rubbed the back of his neck and smiled. “Yeah…”
Fynn spoke up, “I’d gladly take the attention he gets all the time.”
Ruben and Adalynn shook their heads at their youngest son. “We need to get going now. The sun will be rising soon,” Ruben said. “I want to see the real sun rise.” Everybody agreed.
The group started towards The Orb. Everton’s heartbeat picked up its pace as they closer towards the edge. As if on cue, everyone stopped at the edge. They faced it in silence. Millions of thoughts flooded Ev’s mind.
He was leaving a place he had known his whole life. Things would change forever. If it was up to him, he would never return to his old home. Too many bad memories… An adventure of a lifetime was right before him. He was itching to cross the border. He looked around at everybody.
Ruben sighed. “We’ll cross on three.” Amidala slipped her hand into Everton’s. Ev tensed up for a moment, but then relaxed and squeezed her hand. Lukas had his lips pressed together; Ruben and Adalynn were also holding hands; Asher looked straight ahead; Fynn and Skyler both looked nervous.
Ruben took a deep breath. “One…”
Ev tried to slow his breathing.
“…two…”
He gripped Ami’s hand harder, as did she.
“…three…”
In one smooth motion, they all stepped across the border. As he closed his eyes and stepped, Everton felt a cool wave of air wash over him. And as his eyes opened, he was greeted by the rising sun.
Chapter 8
Amidala sucked in a breath as she crossed the border of The Orb. It felt as if she was walking through a sheet of cool air. She looked up and saw the sun peeking over the distant mountains. It colored the sky with a mix of different colors. She let go of Ev’s hand and placed her hand over her mouth. Tears came to her eyes. It was beautiful.
The large sphere of the sun slowly revealed itself to the world after its night-long hibernation. A smile stretched across her face as she felt the warmth of the sun. She looked out over the wide, wide world. It was so… big. She had never known anything past the edges of The Orb. The world seemed to stretch on forever until it reached the mountains.
Ev was also clearly amazed. Ami heard a small noise come from his open mouth. She playfully smacked him in the shoulder and laughed. “I’ve never seen you so amazed before.”
He laughed as well as his attention turned from the sky to her. “I know right? I didn’t expect it to be so… so… beautiful.”
Ami smiled at him. “Haven’t you ever seen anything more beautiful in your life?” She threw out her arms and spun in a circle.
“Maybe… someone…” he mumbled.
Ami stopped and cocked her head. “What?” What was that supposed to mean? Before he could answer, the rest of the Nadirs joined them. “You’re right, Amidala,” Fynn said. “The real sky is so much better than The Orb.” He ran a hand through his dirty blond hair.
Skyler punched him in the shoulder, “Hey, I said it too.” Fynn ignored her. Ruben and Adalynn were smiling with their arms wrapped around each other. Even Asher was smiling. Lukas didn’t look as petrified as he had been beforehand.
“So,” Ruben said. “How about we get some breakfast?”
Everyone heartily agreed. Ruben led the way along a dirt road. It led the way to a small town. And the town was packed with tons of people. Ami assumed it was because so many people had been evacuating The Orb. The group decided on a small restaurant. They crowded together in the booth.
A middle aged waitress came to them with a notepad. She blew a strand of hair out of her face. “What can I get you folks today?”
Ruben spoke for everyone. “Whatever you have available. You look pretty busy today.”
She nodded with her eyes wide. “You can say that again. I don’t know where all these people came from. I haven’t been able to have a normal conversation for the past few days.”
“Well,” Ruben hesitated. “Bayron Len was assassinated. So… people have been evacuating The Orb.”
The woman nodded slightly. She squinted. “You’re from The Orb, aren’t you?”
He nodded with his lips pressed together. The waitress bit her lip and walked away. Ami furrowed her brow and looked over at her father. “Wha… What was all that about? She just walked away!”
Ruben sighed. “Something makes me think that the outsiders aren’t a big fan of us ‘insiders’ if you will. I noticed some weird looks we got when we entered the city.”
Ami sighed. Him mentioning a disease reminded her of why they were here in the first place. They had to find the cure. But these people seemed healthy, so it confirmed her speculation of it not being a physical disease.
Their food came after a long wait. They quickly ate it and left as soon as possible. Ruben led them down the side of the road. An occasional car would pass, making Adalynn tell Fynn and Skyler to stay close to the grass.
“I don’t even know where we need to go,” Ruben said. “Any ideas, Ami?”
Amidala was caught off guard by him directly addressing her. “Uh… I don’t know.”
Ruben smiled. “Let’s just find a place to stay for now.”
Ami nodded. “Of course. That’s what I was going to say.”
Ruben smiled. They reached the busier part of a city. Things never stopped moving. They squeezed into the crowds, trying to stay together. Amidala started breathing harder as the crowd pressed on all sides of her. Too many people. She reached out for Ev’s hand in front of her. He whipped his head around. “You okay?”
“The crowd,” She said. Ev smiled softly. “Just hold tight and you won’t get lost.”
Ami nodded. She was glad he was here. They soon reached a hotel. Ruben went up to the front desk and reserved the right number of rooms. He handed them his debit card. Before the secretary grabbed it, Asher stuck his hand out. “Wait,” he said. “I’ll pay for our rooms.”
Ruben shook his head. “Not now. Save that money for later.” He winked and the secretary swiped his card. They found their rooms and got comfortable. Ami looked out her window at the bustling city below. Their lives were changed from now on. And she had a feeling that things were only going to get harder as they went along.
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
Great chapter! I’m so glad they finally got out of the Orb. I struggle with that too. Maybe you could every now and then take a break from the dialogue— just for a sentence or two— and describe the character walking into the house, or jogging down a street, and just doing that could help with the transition. Idk, maybe that was no help at all😂😅. That’s just a thought.
#HugRikerSquad
I think I get what you’re saying. 🙂
Thanks for reading!
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
@lightoverdsrkness6
I’m so glad you like it!! My younger siblings love it, but… Ya know, they’re siblings. Lol 😁
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
I have three siblings. On order brother and a younger brother and sister. What about you?
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
I’ve got three too 😀! I’m the oldest, then a younger brother, another younger brother, and my youngest sister.
#HugRikerSquad
That was so fun to read!! I was a little scared right before they stepped out of the Orb…I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. 😀
He must increase, but I must decrease.
That was my point!! I’m glad it worked! 😁😁
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
@lightoverdarkness6 @mineralizedwritings @felicity @theloonyone @godlyfantasy12
Btw, in the tenth chapter, I abruptly mention something about Ami being a Christian. I know it is kind of out of nowhere, but I’ll go back and fix it on the second draft. 🙂 And I kind of forget about Artemis as well. 😬 What else are first drafts for? 😁
Chapter 9
Everton sighed. He plopped his duffel bag on the bed along with his brothers’ bags. Lukas kicked off his Vans and laid down on the bed. He yawned. “I’m tired,” he said. Ev didn’t reply.
Instead he walked over to Asher. “I think things are going to be harder than I thought. With you know, finding ‘the cure.’”
Asher nodded. “You’re right. We already saw what that waitress thought of us. We won’t be easily accepted.” He looked Ev in the eye, his face growing serious. “And don’t make it any harder for us.”
Ev smiled. “I can’t make any promises.”
“Well, you should.”
Ev rolled his eyes. “Oh brother,” he mumbled. Yawning, he fell back on the bed, closing his eyes for just a moment. The next thing he knew, there was a knock on the door. He sat up, rubbing his eyes.
Asher opened the door and Ami peeked in. “I was wondering if Ev wanted to—” she spotted him slowly waking up and making his way to the door. “Oh, hey Ev! Did you fall asleep?”
“Not on purpose.”
She laughed. “There’s a cute coffee shop down the street. My siblings and I are going down there. Wanna join us?”
Ev shrugged. “Why not?” He turned back to Lukas. “Hey, Luke… I’m going down to a coffee shop with Ami. Do you want to come too?”
He slipped his shoes back on. “Sure.” They both walked out the door to join Destry, Ami, Fynn, and Skyler. The group left the hotel and weaved through the crowds of people. A bell on the door jingled as they entered the small cafe. It was much quieter in the shop than outside in the bustling city.
The smell of fresh coffee filled Ev’s nose. People talked quietly in their seats and calm music played on the radio. In turn, they each ordered a drink. Soon, they were all seated in a booth and sipping their drinks. Ami cradled her chai latte in her hands. “This,” she said. “Is heavenly.”
Ev laughed and took a sip from his caramel frappuccino. “Naw. This is much better.”
Ami rolled her eyes. Next to her, Skyler made a weird face. “Why does anyone like coffee?” She pushed her cup away from her and stuck out her tongue. “That’s nasty.”
Ami laughed. “At least you know you don’t like it now.” Skyler wrinkled her nose. “I guess,” she said.
“I don’t like coffee either,” Lukas said, surprising everyone by actually saying something. “Too bitter. Just gross.”
“Thank you,” Skyler said. She leaned across the table and lowered her voice. “At least you’re sane. Everyone else thinks that it’s good! They’re crazy.”
Lukas laughed. Ev smiled at the two and caught Ami’s eye. They both were thinking the same thing. Suddenly, Ev furrowed his brow and leaned back slightly.
“I don’t know,” Someone in the booth behind them said. “A lot of people are leaving The Orb now. I’ve overheard some people talking and they say that Bayron Len was assassinated.”
Ami cocked her head at Ev. Ev placed a finger to his lips. The other person said, “Finally someone took care of him. You know, I’ve never seen his face in my life. He’s either in The Orb or near the capital. He never goes inside the capital. I wonder why…”
“I’ve heard that that is the source of The Orb. Nobody lives there anymore. People are terrified to go in.”
Everton’s eyes grew wide. He leaned towards the middle of the table. “Guys, listen,” he said. The others leaned in. “I just heard someone talking. They say that the source of The Orb is the capital. That’s where we need to go.”
Ami nodded. “Right. We need to tell Mom and Dad right away.”
She hopped up and led the rest of the group back to the hotel. The Nadir children went into their hotel room while Everton and his brothers waited just outside the room. “Mom! Dad!” Ev heard Ami call. “We need to tell you something important.”
Adalynn came into the main room. She saw the boys in the doorway. “Please, come in,” she said with a smile. The boys slowly walked in. Ruben joined the group. “What’s going on?”
Ami motioned towards Ev. Everton told them what he heard.
Ruben rubbed his graying beard with his hand. “Right. Okay then. To Angularis we go.”
Ev nodded. “When do we leave?”
“We’ll get on the public bus tomorrow and have it take us to the airport in the district next to ours.”
“Okay,” Ev replied. He and his brothers went back to their room, gathering their things. A shiver of excitement ran through him. Finally, they were making progress. Sure, it hadn’t even been one day… but they were wasting precious time. The Orb would consume all of Themelios in only a few weeks. They had to hurry.
Chapter 10
Amidala quickly put the last of her things into her bag and slung it over her back. She ran out the door of the hotel room and joined the rest of the group. “Sorry,” she said. They rushed down the hall and out of the hotel.
The public bus, almost full of people, was sitting in front of the bus stop. The group piled in, trying to find seats. They spread out. Ev and Ami sat by each other. The door closed and the bus started driving down the street.
Amidala let out a breath. “We made it,” she said.
Ev laughed. “I thought we were going to miss the bus.”
“Me too,” Ami smiled. They sat in silence as the bus rumbled down the streets. She leaned close to Ev to whisper in his ear, “Have you seen Lukas and Skyler? I think your brother has a crush on her.” She giggled.
Ev followed her gaze towards Lukas and Sky and chuckled. “I guess the Barlowe sons have a thing for Nadir daughters.”
Ami caught his eye. Ev didn’t look away. She cocked her head and her heart started beating faster. “What do you mean… exactly?”
Ev folded his hands behind his head. “I think you know.”
Ami’s face grew warm. She quickly looked away. Was he implying what she thought he was implying? Did he really like like her? She didn’t think her feelings for him went both ways. She decided she wouldn’t continue the conversation. She could only imagine that Ev was smiling next to her.
The bus continued driving towards the airport. Finally, Ev said, “Do you miss home?”
Ami shrugged. “Maybe. We’ve only been away for about a day.”
“I know…”
“Do you?” Ami cautiously asked.
Ev’s expression hardened. Ami took a deep breath. Maybe she should not have asked that. She didn’t know how Ev would reply.
He sighed. “In a way. Like, I do miss my room and such… I just don’t miss how things were at home…” his voice wavered. “I wish things were different,” he breathed.
Ami put her arm around him. “Hey, look at me,” She said. He did. “You can’t change things. So don’t try to. You just have to let go of things you can control, okay. And remember, I’m always here… all right?”
Ev smiled. “That’s easy for you to say. You’re perfect at that.”
Ami bit her lip. Maybe at that. But not really. Not at anything. She tried so hard to be perfect… maybe it did show. After all, she was a Christian. Wasn’t that what God required of her? She was supposed to be different than others.
Ami shook her head at Ev. “I’m not perfect all the time.”
Ev grabbed her hand a put on a faux serious face. “Hey, look at me. You can’t always be perfect, so don’t try to. And remember, I’m always here… all right?”
Ami rolled her eyes and chuckled at his joking, but what he said really hit deep. She couldn’t always be perfect… …but at least she would try.
The bus soon reached the airport. The group got out and followed Ruben as he bought tickets inside. He handed one to each person. Asher dug inside his wallet and pulled out some bills. “Here,” he said. “For our tickets.”
Ruben smiled and accepted the money. “Thanks.”
“Wait,” the man at the counter said. “You all are from the District of Daemarrel. You’re a bunch of insiders.”
Ruben slowly sucked in a breath and faced him. The man motioned for some guards. “Hey, they need to be apprehended. They’re insiders. They may be dangerous.” He squinted at the Barlowe boys. “And these are Malyk Barlowe’s sons.” He looked at Lukas specifically, laughing as three guards came over. “I thought he would have more of a man for a son. All of them look like as much of a failure as their father is.”
Ruben opened his mouth but didn’t say anything. He stepped protectively in front of his family. Fear filled Ami’s eyes as the guards yanked her away from behind her father. She cried out but was quickly silenced by a guard.
She glanced at Ev. He had his head down and was breathing hard. Ami shook her head. “No, Ev. Don’t do it,” she whispered so he could only hear. He looked up at her and stuck out his jaw. Ami shook her head again. Suddenly, Ev twisted himself out of the guard’s grasp and ran behind the counter. He grabbed the man by the collar. “How do you know us?” Everton roughly questioned.
Ami cried out, “Stop, Everton!”
Ev acted as if he didn’t hear her. The man replied, “He was an old friend of mine. I warned him that he was headed for failure.”
“Don’t you ever call any of us a failure!” He seethed. The man didn’t reply, so Everton shook him. “You hear me?” He yelled. The man nodded and wriggled out of Ev’s grasp. Satisfied, Ev let himself be apprehended.
A crowd began to form around the group. Since there were only three guards to help the situation, the one holding Ami let go and ran to help up the man. Ruben quickly gathered his family. “Leave,” he said. “We need to get out of here.”
As he pushed them out, Ami kept looking back for Ev. She couldn’t see anything past the crowd. She whispered a quick prayer for his safety as they rushed out the doors of the airport.
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
(btw I don’t really do many critiques, I mostly just read to read if I find the stuff interesting lol! especially if there’s certain charries I like….ahem…Lukas. XD.)
WHAT IS GONNA HAPPEN TO MA BOYS? I was a bit confused on the ending just a bit maybe make it a little more clear on what all took place and if they got away or not (the boys I mean)
Did they?
If not…
WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM?!
#IfMarcelDiesIRiot
#ProtectMarcel
#ProtectSebDon’t worry! They’ll be fine… for now.😁
I can’t have them get hurt …yet… 😏😁
I was a bit confused on the ending just a bit maybe make it a little more clear on what all took place and if they got away or not (the boys I mean)
Ok! 👍 I’ll keep that in mind.
(btw, I love your signature! 😄)
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
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