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@freedomwriter76
Yeah! I love Ami’s family too! I don’t like Ev’s family very much, as well. Well, at least his parents. They’re kind of terrible, but they all have to work some things out. Asher is a very mysterious character, I’ve found, so I’m still trying to understand him.
Lukas is my cinnamon roll, tho! 😊 His name means “brings light” and he is really the only beam of light in the family. He’s thirteen, super introverted, and still trying to find his way in the world. He isn’t quite sure what to believe, but really looks up to his brothers.
I’ll post more chapters tomorrow!
Okay. I’ll stop ranting… for now. 😜 Here’s his moodboard, btw:
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
Thanks for tagging me! Great families. I mean, well, at least the Nadirs. 😀 Here’s my feedback on the characters, which is basically the feelings I get from their pics and description/dialogue. You can use what I say here to decide if you’ve done a good job giving me (the reader) the right impression.
Ruben and Adalynn seem like kind, loving parents, with a bit of humor in them.
Fynn and Skyler are your typical sweet, mischievous kind of children. The kind that make you happily annoyed. 😀
Amidala is very relatable. I like the painting dynamic because it tells me she’s creative and has an eye for beauty and detail. I also like the way she and Everton interact. Casually, but as my sister and I would say, with a hint of a deeper meaning. 😀
Everton…hmmm. I like him, but I have this suspicion that he’s not as innocent as he seems. I like the way he isn’t afraid of the guards.
Malyk is frustrated about something else, perhaps the circumstances of living in the Orb are stressing him out, so he takes it out on others. I don’t know, that’s just my suspicion.
I’m curious about Asher.
And I love Lukas!
As for the story, I like how you’re switching POV between the two MCs. I’m interested in what’s outside the Orb, so if Everton ever decides to leave, I’ll be cheering him on, with caution.
One critique: it seems rather sudden for Everton to just randomly go down the ally and join this gang. Has he had contact with them before? Does he know any of them? If so, you could add the word familiar into your descriptions, and something about his memories of the place. If this is all new to him, (which I suspect it’s not) there should be some surprise and more concern.
Hey, if any of the above was helpful, great! If not, tell me to keep quiet because after all, you’re the author. Thanks again for sharing your WIP! I’m looking forward to reading more! 😀
He must increase, but I must decrease.
All the things you said about my charries is exactly what I wanted to be portrayed!! 😄
And Asher intrigues me as well. 😆 I’m still kind of figuring him out and it’s fun too.
Everton is not as innocent. Well, let me put it this way, he won’t be as innocent as he is right now. He thinks and acts impulsively, so that gets him into trouble in the future. 😏 😁
One critique: it seems rather sudden for Everton to just randomly go down the ally and join this gang. Has he had contact with them before? Does he know any of them? If so, you could add the word familiar into your descriptions, and something about his memories of the place. If this is all new to him, (which I suspect it’s not) there should be some surprise and more concern.
(🤷🏻♀️Don’t know if I quoted that right 😅) I do definitely need to mention that it is familiar. Thanks for pointing that out!
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
All the things you said about my charries is exactly what I wanted to be portrayed!! 😄
That’s amazing! Congrats because you’re doing something very right!! 😀
And Asher intrigues me as well. 😆 I’m still kind of figuring him out and it’s fun too.
Sometimes characters have a mind of their own. 🙂
Everton is not as innocent. Well, let me put it this way, he won’t be as innocent as he is right now. He thinks and acts impulsively, so that gets him into trouble in the future. 😏
Oh yes, I thought that might happen. I’m actually looking forward to it…um, as long as nothing really serious happens to him.
(🤷🏻♀️Don’t know if I quoted that right 😅)
Yep, you did! 😆
He must increase, but I must decrease.
@lightoverdarkness6 @felicity @theloonyone @mineralizedwritings @freedomwriter76
Next two chapters!! Jsyk, some events may seem kind of rushed or like Ruben’s gonna let Ami do something and it may seem like: why would he let her do that? Well, I’m aware of that, but these events need to happen, I just need to fix how it gets there. 😅 (I hope that made sense)
Chapter 3
Amidala furrowed her brow. “I’m not so sure, Ev,” she said. A coup with a rebel group didn’t sound so safe. “What if they’re lying to you? What if you get hurt or worse?”
Ev shook his head. “It’ll be fine. Will you come with me?”
Ami sighed. “I’ll wait outside,” she offered.
Everton raised an eyebrow and cocked his head. “That’s boring.”
“I didn’t ask for excitement. I’ll only come into the building if it sounds like things aren’t going so well.”
“Fine,” he said. “I guess I’ll see you in less than twenty-four hours.” He winked and flashed her a half-smile. Ami smiled back. He was always so cute whenever he smiled like that. Everton walked out the door and left Ami shaking her head in the kitchen.
Ruben walked into the kitchen with a concerned look. Ami faced him, “You heard the conversation, didn’t you?”
Ruben nodded. “He’s impulsive and definitely daring. I can see why you like him.”
Ami blushed and blinked. “Wait, what?”
Ruben just smiled. “You know what I said…” Ami looked away and didn’t answer. Ruben chuckled and said, “So… you really want to just wait outside for them?”
Ami nodded. “I guess so. I’m worried for him. He’ll probably get himself hurt. And I know I can’t stop him at this point. Dad, is it okay if I go with him?”
“You’re right. As long as you don’t get involved with the group, then I suppose it will be okay for you go with him. But don’t go in the building and try to stay hidden. Call us if anything happens, all right?”
“Gotcha,” Ami said.
The next day passed all too quickly for Amidala. She was nervous the day of the coup. It was rainy. As the rain was falling, the sky still had the sun blazing. Finally, Len fixed it and now it looked cloudy. Ami shook her head.
She pulled her hood over her head and slipped on her boots. She went outside and found Everton smiling on a motorcycle. Ami shook her head. “I’m not riding on that thing. Where did you even get it?”
“Asher lent me it.”
“Are you allowed to?”
Ev shrugged. Ami sighed, “We’ll walk.”
“We’ll never make it in time. Len’s going to leave this evening for the capital.”
Ami started walking away from the motorcycle and towards the building where Len was. “Ami!” Everton complained. “Come on!”
Ami looked at him for a moment. Scared as she was to ride the motorcycle, she gave in. Hopping on the back of the vehicle she said, “You’d better not get us crashed.” She wrapped her arms around him and held on tight, afraid of falling.
“Trust me, Ami. I’ve ridden it hundreds of times. Plus, I’ve done enough driving to get a license.” *
He revved the engine and with a smile, took off down the road. Ami couldn’t help but laugh a bit. But her smile soon disappeared as she viewed the district. People weren’t around much anymore. The trees that used to line the streets hadn’t grown their leaves back yet from the recent intense winter. It made the streets look so much more… more… dead. Ami still clung onto the hope that one day The Orb would be gone and she would finally be able to see the sunshine.
After a few minutes of driving, they parked a little ways away from the building. Ami waited at the corner of a nearby building while Ev joined his group.
Amidala sat on the seat of the motorcycle when her legs got tired of standing. Everything seemed to be going okay. She hoped Ev would be okay, though. He always rushed into things. Never really thinking about the consequences. The exact opposite of her. She thought things through and didn’t like to rush. But that’s why they got along so well.
A half hour must have passed when finally Ami heard guards exclaiming and rushing into the building. People nearby joined the growing crowd of spectators. Some got into the building and some didn’t. Ami was one of them who did. She barely noticed what was going on around her. She just rushed through the halls and up elevators, looking for Everton.
Eventually, she made it to the top floor. Bayron Len was lying on the ground in the corner, surrounded by guards. The rebel group was scattered. Some were apprehended and others were injured but safe from the guards.
Everton stood in the corner, opposite Len. A tall, burly man held Ev by his shirt collar. “I thought you said you were loyal!” He yelled.
Ev was breathing hard. “Yeah, but—”
“I don’t care. You almost got us all killed!” The man protested. Ami ran over and grabbed Ev’s arm, pulling him away. She faced the man and said, “Leave him alone!” She was surprised at her boldness.
The man smirked. “Why? Are you going to stop me?”
Asher appeared by Ami’s side. “No but I will.” The man grunted. He slowly walked away. Ami faced Everton and grabbed him in a hug. “I’m so glad you’re okay,” she whispered.
Everton laughed, “Did you ever doubt me?”
Ami smiled, “Maybe.” She glanced over at Len. “I guess you succeeded though.”
“Not me. They did. I couldn’t do it.”
Ami looked him in the eye. “Don’t be ashamed. You just saved yourself from a lifetime of guilt.”
Ev nodded. Asher sighed, “Len won’t survive. Our lives are about to change.”
Amidala slowly walked over to the small crowd surrounding Len. He saw her concerned face and caught her eye. He slowly lifted a hand and motioned for her to come closer. She crouched down and listened.
“Who… are you?” Len asked through labored breaths.
“Amidala.”
Len nodded. He sucked in a ragged breath. “Listen to me,” he grabbed her hand and placed into it a medallion. It was gold and oval shaped. Engraved in it was the Themelion salute: arms outstretched towards the sky with the palms facing upward.
He closed her fist over it. He opened his mouth, looking like he wanted to say so much, but all he said was, “I know there’s a cure. Find it.” He took one last breath and closed his eyes, no longer moving. Tears filled Ami’s eyes. She stood up and made way for the guards to take care of him.
She approached Everton. He placed an arm around her. “Let’s go home.”
Ami nodded. Something inside made her think that Asher’s earlier statement was more than true… Their lives were about to change… forever.
* I have not fixed this yet, but vehicles were not as available as they are to us in the US. And licenses were hard to obtain in The Orb.
Chapter 4
Everton ran a hand through his hair. “What is that supposed to mean?” He asked. He and Ami were standing under the gazebo in the city park. People rarely came here so they were all alone. Ami had just told him Bayron Len’s last words.
Ami pursed her lips. “You think it has something to do with The Orb?”
Ev shrugged. “I dunno. Possibly. Couldn’t he have told you more than that?”
Ami gave him a disapproving look. “He was dying. Plus, he may not have wanted anyone else to hear. Don’t know why he told me specifically though.”
He sighed and pulled his jacket tighter around him as a breeze blew by. The last winds of winter were slowly fading, giving way to spring. As he aimlessly looked around, he heard a loud boom and a firework went off in the distance. Distant cheers were heard. The people were celebrating the death of their tyrannical ruler.
Ami followed Ev’s gaze. “Something doesn’t feel right,” she said.
“You’re right. I feel the same way,” Ev agreed. “Len’s words mean something. The Orb didn’t just suddenly disappear.”
Ami nodded. She silently mumbled the words of Len, “I know there’s a cure. Find it.”
Everton leaned on the rail of the gazebo and looked out over the lake. He breathed in the fresh air and let it wash through him. He wanted to ask Ami a question, but he knew that she wouldn’t like his idea. Despite that, he asked her anyway. It had been weighing on him for a while now and he had to tell somebody. “Ami… I want to leave home.”
She quickly met his eyes with her piercing green eyes. He had to look away. He waited for her response. She sighed, “If that’s what you want.”
Everton turned around to face her again. “What? I thought you would say ‘no’.”
She closed her eyes for a moment and opened them again. “If that’s what you want,” she repeated. “I know I can’t stop you. I understand how things are at your home and I totally understand. That doesn’t mean I support your decision… but I can’t stand to see you unhappy.”
Everton couldn’t help but smile. Her look was so serious, unlike her typical playful smile. She raised an eyebrow, “What?”
Ev shook his head, “Nothing.”
She smiled slightly, “No, seriously. What is it?”
“You just… never mind,” he blushed.
Amidala turned away, a curious look on her face. “Fine…”
He sighed. “I need to be getting home.”
Ami nodded and smiled her silent goodbye as he walked out of the park. Everton sauntered down the road. Ami was more than a friend to him… if only she knew. He enjoyed every moment with her.
Things were so different at home though. He always brushed it off and tried not to mention it often. Why worry about it? Less than a year and he could leave the house… but would the past still haunt him?
He gazed at the sidewalk in front of him. His Converse silently landed on the concrete. Life was hard… but why? Why couldn’t it just be like Ami’s family? Sure, Ami loved him, but he longed for true love from his parents. He stopped for a moment and looked up at the sky. The clouds flickered. A raindrop fell on his cheek and slid down his face. He sighed.
He continued on and soon reached his house. He slipped through the door and went to his room. Hesitantly, he pulled out a duffle bag from his closet. He stared at it for a moment before finally pulling out clothes from his dresser drawers. His eyes started watering as he filled the bag with his clothes and most important items.
Everton jumped at the sound of a knock on the door. He recognized it. “Come in,” he called. Lukas came in, shutting the door behind him. He stopped when he saw the bag on the bed. “Oh,” he silently said. He looked away.
Ev came up to him and placed his hands on his shoulders. “Lukas, look at me. I promise I’ll come back for you. I promise. I need to you stay strong, okay?” He looked him in the eye. Lukas nodded, holding back tears. Ev pulled him into a tight hug. “Trust me. I love you.”
Lukas sniffled. “I love you, too.” Everton turned around and continued packing his bag. Finally, he finished and zipped the top. He placed a hand on it and closed his eyes. “Boys,” Harlin’s voice called from the kitchen. “Time for dinner!”
Lukas and Everton both took a deep breath and ran down the stairs. They quickly seated themselves at the table. As Harlin laid out the food, Malyk joined them. They began to eat in awkward silence. Eventually, Malyk said, “So… I heard Bayron Len was assassinated. People say that a rebel group did it. Do you know anything about it, Everton?”
Ev shook his head, his heart picking up its pace. “Why should I?”
Malyk took another bite. “Well, I saw some footage on the news… and I saw you.”
Everton swallowed and met his father’s gaze. Malyk put down his fork and said, “Why did you join that group without my permission?”
“Because I knew I wouldn’t get it in the first place,” Ev replied, not breaking eye contact.
Malyk pressed his lips together. “You are still in my house and I want you to gain my permission. You are grounded for the next week.”
Everton clenched his fists. Harlin placed a hand on his shoulder, “Don’t, Everton. It’s fair enough.”
“It may be fair, but— but… I want freedom.”
Malyk eyed him. “What do you mean by that?”
Ev held back tears. “You control my life! I have no say in what happens. I either have to do it your way or it isn’t right!” He sucked in a breath, waiting for his father’s answer. Malyk watched him with a look of anger and said, “I want you to be better than what everyone else is!”
“Why? Why do I have to be better?” Everton pushed out his chair and stood up. Lukas and Harlin were silent. “You know I try to please you, but I can never reach your standards. I try! But no… When will I be good enough for you? When will anyone be good enough for you?”
Malyk stood up. “Everton… sit down.”
Ev planted his feet. Malyk pounded on the table, “Sit down!”
It was his only chance. Now or never. He quickly pounded up the stairs, grabbing his duffle bag and slipping on his leather jacket. Before anyone could stop him, he whipped open the door and slammed it behind him. He pounded down the street ignoring the cries of his mother and father.
The rain pouring from the sky mixed with the tears running down his face. His feet kicked up water and mud. He didn’t care. He just kept running. It was over now.
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
Yeah I see what you mean. Great job! I really enjoyed reading this! I feel sorry for Everton, but at the same time I’m excited about what the future holds for him.
And I’m really curious about the thing that Len gave to Amidala!!!
Thanks for tagging me! Can’t wait to read more!
He must increase, but I must decrease.
@lightoverdarkness6 @felicity @freedomwriter76 @theloonyone @mineralizedwritings
@felicity, the thing that Len gave to Amidala is definitely important. Sometimes I actually forget to mention it in future chapters 😅, but it will play a big role in the future! 😏Next two chapters! (I already have like twenty written, so that’s why I’m getting them out so fast 😁) These a little shorter than the others.
Chapter 5
Everton planned to go to Asher’s place. He lived in an apartment near the mines, where he worked. Ev rushed through the apartment building and up the stairs. He passed confused people. He finally reached Asher’s place. He pounded on the door. Asher quickly opened it and was surprised to see Everton. “Ev— what are you—?”
Ev pushed past him and tossed his bag on the floor. He threw himself on the sofa. He put his head in his hand and ran his hands through his hair. Asher stood in front of him. “What in the world are you doing here?” Asher questioned. He glanced over at the duffle bag. “Oh… you finally did it, didn’t you?”
Ev nodded, wiping the tears from his face. “I couldn’t stand it anymore,” he said between sniffles. “I just had to.”
Asher slowly sat down next to him. He sighed. “I get it… What about Lukas?”
“I told him I’ll come back for him,” Ev bit his lip. He tried to stop the tears and only partially succeeded. “Did I do the right thing?” He looked at Asher for the answer.
Asher folded his hands and rested his elbows on his knees. He didn’t answer for a moment. Ev furrowed his brow, “You think I shouldn’t have, right?”
Asher shook his head. “No, it’s just… I’m sorry, Ev. I don’t really know.”
Everton sighed. He stood up and dug through his duffle bag. He pulled out his cell phone and called Ami. She picked up quickly. “What’s up?” She asked, sounding concerned.
Ev sighed again. “I left.” There was silence on the other end. “Ami, I just had to.”
“I know, I know,” she said. “Where are you staying?”
“With Asher. Can we meet up at the park tomorrow?”
“Sure… I’ll see you then.”
Ev smiled softly, “Yeah. See ya,” he hung up and returned to the sofa beside Asher.
“Who was that?” Asked Asher.
“Ami.”
“Ami? Oh, your girlfriend.”
Everton blushed. “What? No. She’s just my friend.”
Asher nodded and smiled. “Sure.”
Ev playfully punched him in the shoulder. “Shut up.”
Asher stood up and rolled his eyes. Ev stood up as well. He placed himself in front of him and smirked. “Did that hurt?”
“Of course not. I barely felt it.”
Everton shook his head and returned to his seat. Asher called from the kitchen, “How’s boxed mac ‘n’ cheese for dinner?”
“Sounds great,” Ev called back. He stretched out on the couch and propped up his feet on the armrest.
“And don’t put your feet on the armrest,” Asher said. Ev laughed.
The next day, Ev walked to the park and kept his head down, afraid someone might recognize him. He spotted Amidala and quickly joined her on the bench. “Hey, Ev,” she said with a smile. Everton smiled back. “Have you told anyone I’ve left?”
She nodded. “But only my parents. Don’t worry… you can trust them.”
“I know. I wish I could’ve stayed… but I couldn’t wait another year. I had to.”
Ami grabbed his hand and met his eyes. “No matter what happens, I’m here. Always.”
He smiled again and said, “You’re the best.” Ami blushed slightly. They sat in silence until Ami said, “You know the riddle that Bayron Len told me, I may have it figured out… So, he said that he knows there’s a cure. He wants me to find it. I think he’s talking about what The Orb was there for. It occurred to me… maybe The Orb was a good thing.”
Ev shook his head. “The Orb ruined our lives. It can’t be good.”
“I know it has, but maybe it was keeping something else, something worse, from coming to us. He makes it sound like a disease, but I doubt it. Weather still gets through The Orb. I’m wondering if it’s not physical… I don’t know. Do you know what I’m getting at?”
“I think so,” Everton replied. She thought that he was preventing something more dangerous than a physical disease from destroying them. “And he wants you to find ‘the cure’?”
Ami shrugged. “I guess so. I think that means I have to leave The Orb.”
Ev suddenly perked up. “Let me come with you.”
“Slow down. I don’t even know if I’m going. I haven’t even told my parents my suspicions yet.”
“If you can leave, then I’m going with you.”
Ami smiled. “I want to leave too. But it kind of scares me. What is beyond the border?”
Everton looked wistfully at the edge of The Orb less than a mile away from them. He had always wondered that. What was so different about the outside than where they were now? “I want to find out.”
Ami nodded. “I’ll tell my parents about it tonight and see what they think.”
Ev smiled. “Awesome.”
Chapter 6
Amidala was seated at dinner with her family. Her nineteen year old brother was talking about the recent job he had gotten, “The dean did more than let me intern. He wants me to be in charge of the tech stuff for the school’s drama production. Plus, he’s going to pay me.”
“Hey, that’s great!” Ruben said.
“Maybe you’ll finally find a nice girl to go out with,” Adalynn said with a small smile. “My friend has a daughter on the drama team and—”
Destry held up a hand. “Mom, you know I’m waiting for the right one.”
“He’s right,” Ruben added. “I waited… and look who I got.” He flashed Adalynn a look and she gave him one back. Both Ami and Destry rolled their eyes. Adalynn said, “I saw that.”
They laughed. Skyler raised an eyebrow. “What? I don’t get it.”
“It’s okay, honey,” Adalynn said. They ate in silence for a few more moments until Ruben spoke up. “So, your mother and I have been talking and… we want to leave The Orb.”
The children all looked around at each other with surprised looks. Ruben continued, “Bayron Len can no longer stop us… we wanted to know your thoughts.”
They all started speaking at once except Ami. Now was the time to tell them. “We need to,” she said, a little louder than them all. They all looked at her, a little bit confused. She sighed. “Mom, Dad… I may have went in the building the other day.”
They gave disapproving but curious looks. “Why? We told you not too.”
“I know, but the guards started running around and tons of people were going towards the building. I went in because I was worried about Ev.”
Ruben pressed his lips together and Adalynn listened with a creased brow. “Well, Len called me over. He handed me this pin,” she pulled the medallion out of her pocket, “and his last words were, ‘I know there’s a cure. Find it.’ I think I may know what that means.” Nobody interrupted her so she continued. “Weather obviously gets through The Orb, so diseases would too. I don’t think he’s talking about a virus or anything. I think he means something different… like internal… maybe psychological. He wants me to find the cure.”
Ruben and Adalynn looked at each other. Ami’s siblings cast curious glances. “I really want to go,” she said. “And so does Ev.”
“We’ll have to talk about it,” Ruben said.
“But you just said you want to leave.”
“I know, but we don’t want to go on a quest to find ‘the cure.’ What if there isn’t one? We don’t even know for sure that’s what he’s talking about.”
“If it seems like a lie, then we can quit…” Amidala said. “I told Ev and he’s dying to go. Can we at least try. We’ll be leaving The Orb anyway. Please?” She fidgeted with the medallion.
Ruben and Adalynn both sighed. Ruben said, “I suppose it will be okay. But on one condition. If it is a trick or a lie, we are not continuing. And we are not going into dangerous situations purposely.”
Ami nodded. Then smiled. “If Ev’s coming, then that may be hard.”
“Are you sure he can come?” Adalynn asked.
“Trust me, he’ll find a way,” Ami assured her mom.
Ruben said, “We’ll leave tomorrow morning, I guess. We planned to leave then anyway.”
The rest of dinner was spent discussing details. After dinner was over, Ami eagerly called Ev. “What did they say?” Ev asked as soon as he picked up.
Ami laughed. “We can go. They were planning to go anyway.” She heard Ev whooping. “But,” she said, “If Len wasn’t telling the truth, we have to quit looking for ‘the cure.’ And we can’t purposely go into dangerous situations.”
“That will be hard,” Ev said.
“That’s what I said!” She replied. “We’re leaving early tomorrow morning. Meet us at the east end of The Orb. In the park. Be there around… five. We want to leave when it’s dark.”
“Got it… Um… is it okay if I bring Lukas and Asher?”
“Probably.”
Everton was silent for a moment. “I can’t believe this is for real.”
Ami smiled. “I know… I’ll see you tomorrow. Don’t be late.”
“Believe me… I won’t be.”
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
@esther-c OK I love Lukas…..
(I have this thing for the babies of the family….mostly boys…. XD. Ok really only boys 😂) so I neeeed more Lukas 🤣
#IfMarcelDiesIRiot
#ProtectMarcel
#ProtectSebWow!!! I’m intrigued!!!
It’s getting really exciting.
He must increase, but I must decrease.
Oh! More chapters! 🙂
You plot seems really interesting so far!
A couple things I noticed:
He smiled again and said, “You’re the best.” Ami blushed slightly. They sat in silence until Ami said, “You know the riddle that Bayron Len told me, I may have it figured out… So, he said that he knows there’s a cure. He wants me to find it. I think he’s talking about what The Orb was there for. It occurred to me… maybe The Orb was a good thing.”
It’s alwasy nice to start a new paragraph with dialouge. The way this starts with “he smiled and said,” kind of pulls me out of the moment, and it feels a bit less fluid. here’s one way to do it:
He smiled. “You’re the best.”
Ami blushed slightly. They sat in silence. (or, they sat in silence looking out at—insert scenery—) (Or, they sat in silence, enjoying each other’s company)
“You know the riddle that Bayron Len told me, I may have it figured out… So, he said that he knows there’s a cure. He wants me to find it. I think he’s talking about what The Orb was there for. It occurred to me… maybe The Orb was a good thing.”
I notice this format of ‘She smiled and thought —-” or variations of it throughout the chapter, and I think finding another way to write it would help a lot.
Sometimes I find that starting new lines to avoid using the word “and” really helps with flow, especially in scenes that are particularly emotional or tense.
Ami grabbed his hand and met his eyes. “No matter what happens, I’m here. Always.”
I don’t like using ‘and’ a lot during a significant scene, but that’s just me. Ex:
Ami grabbed his hand. “No matter what happens, I’m here.”
There eyes met.
Or:
There eyes met as Ami grabbed his hand. “No matter what happens, I’m here.”
Not related to the dialouge thing, but how long is your story about? Is it full novella length, like 70k? Or more of a novella type thing?
I notice we seem to have met about 5-6 important moments, I feel like that is kind of a lot for this early in a book, but if the book is shorter, that’s fine. I found that reading it, a lot of the plot points seemed to not have a lot of build-up. I tend to plan out the important plot points to have a bit of a lead up. By plot point I mean anything that develops a character (important dialogue? A character’s decision?). Maybe a hint before, or some background, so we understand the significance. The initial cue was a moment that felt a bit abrupt, and it would have been nice to have some more information about what day to day life was like more before.
Also I’d recommend not saying, “this person was talking about” but instead have the dialogue, followed by the necessary information.
Ex: (dont mind the weird dialouge)
“blahblahblah” her 19 year old brother said, as he turned to face their parents.
Just wondering, you wright thriller right? Seeing where the story is going, don’t feel like you need to spoil what’s going on with the cure and the orb, but me being a sensitive reader, should I stop reading soon? 😅
I mean idk what’s outside the orb or what you have planned but if it’s creepy I’m probably outta here. There’s just some stuff I don’t read.
へびは かっこいい です！
I need to add more Lukas!! There are times I forget to. 😅
Yay!!
Thanks so much for the tips!! And there are a lot of important moments sprinkles throughout the book.
And yes, you should keep reading. Nothing outside the Orb is creepy. 🙂
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
Lol ok I was just checking because you said you liked thriller (perhaps I’m mixing people up too, we’ve had a lot of new people) and generally I don’t read that genre.
Curious to see what happens next!
🙂
へびは かっこいい です！
I love this!! I’m sorry I’m just now responding. I tried to several times but it got deleted before I could post 😅.
I love Ev and Ami so much!! There nicknames for each other are so cute! And I love Lukas!!
And the pictures you have are all so good!! The pic for Fynn is the same one that I was going to use for my charrie, Matthew. I changed his pic a few weeks ago though 😊.
I was thinking that maybe you might want to postpone some of the action points for a little later in the book. Bc there’s been several big action points and it’s only chapter 5. But that’s up to you😊. Any way, I love it, and can’t wait to read more😀!#HugRikerSquad
Glad you’re enjoying it!! I really enjoyed writing it!
The plot points are hard to pin down. That’s definitely something I’m going to tackle on the second draft. Thanks for pointing that out!
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
Glad you’re enjoying it!! I really enjoyed writing it!
Yeah!! Great 😊!
The plot points are hard to pin down. That’s definitely something I’m going to tackle on the second draft. Thanks for pointing that out!
Yeah, I get that. My book that I completely flopped last year was so out of order😂😅. Your welcome! Thanks for tagging me❤️😀!
#HugRikerSquad
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