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Ended up re-writing this chapter…
Kydon woke to a rustling outside his window. His sleep-heavy eyes looked up and saw Tornado, Conrad’s falcon. The blue-gray bird had a small scroll strapped onto his foot. Kydon wrapped a blanket around his arm and put it in front of the falcon, who quickly stepped on it. He untied the black satin scroll from the bird and unrolled it. There was that same insignia of a tornado. Kydon wondered what the twins’ obsession was with tornadoes. In the scroll was a piece of paper, laid with the fabric to conceal it. Kydon immediately recognized Conrad’s handwriting.
Kydon, come immediately to the house.
– Conrad
He threw on a black cloak over his clothes and raced out the door. The moon peeked out over the horizon with a silvery glow that illuminated the grassy hills. Conrad and Caleb’s house sat in darkness, where not a single light shone as a beacon to Kydon. As he approached the house, Caleb strode to meet him.
“I came as soon as I could,” Kydon said breathlessly.
“Good,” Caleb said with a nod. He motioned to his brother, who stood on the porch, a mere shadow in the darkness. Kydon noticed another group of figures, who glided into the darkness towards the house.
“What’s going on?”
“I’m not sure, lad, but you and your sister may be in danger,” Caleb put an arm around his shoulders. “Come with me.”
Kydon had only walked a few steps with Caleb when suddenly a scream cut through the night. He broke away from Caleb in an attempt to run back to his home, but he held him back, though he kicked and fought.
“What was–” Caleb clapped a hand over Kydon’s mouth.
“Don’t make a sound,” He whispered. “Follow me.”
He sensed that he indeed was in danger, so he obediently followed Caleb, who moved fluently and silently. He must have experience doing this. Kydon thought. They reached an outcropping of rock behind the house and Conrad materialized next to him. He wore a hooded black cloak similar to Kydon’s. A long, straight sword hung at his side.
Caleb ran his fingers along the gray stone and stopped. He pressed both hands against the rock and the slab scraped and slid into the hill, creating a small doorway. Conrad motioned for them to go first and he watched the horizon anxiously.
After a short tunnel that led downwards, a large room with low ceilings came into view. The dirt floor was covered with a simple rug, and the stone walls were etched with ornate pictures of battle and everyday life. In the center of the room was a long wooden table, with candles and lanterns lighting piles of maps and scrolls. Seated at the table were several adults who stood when Kydon entered the room.
He had barely seated himself at the table when a young man burst into the room. His red hair was ruffled and he held a broken bow in his trembling hand. A tall, graceful woman ran to him, accompanied by a toddler and a young woman about Kydon’s age.
“Evander!” Conrad cried. “What has happened, lad?”
“Cassius, the traitor!” Evander said. “There were too many of them…I barely made it out alive. They took her. I’m sorry, sir.”
Conrad glanced at Kydon and turned his attention back to the troubled boy. The woman laid her hand on his arm.
“I will tend to my son, my lord,” She said, “But Kydon needs you.” Conrad nodded and walked to Kydon.
“What is going on?” Kydon asked.
“I’m sorry, lad,” Conrad said. “They’ve taken her.”
“Who?”
“The Lunam. We didn’t get there fast enough.”
“No,” Kydon whispered, shaking his head. “No.” His shoulders slumped with the weight of it all. Willow couldn’t be gone.
“I know how you feel, Kydon,” Conrad said gently. Caleb glanced at him quickly and a silent question passed between the two.
Kydon noticed this and asked, “Willow,” His voice broke and there was that grief again, threatening to pull him into despair. He pushed it away. “She told me about my parents.”
Caleb’s eyes widened with surprise. “How much did she tell you?”
“Only their names, that I have my mother’s eyes but I look like my father.”
“It is strange…” Conrad said to himself.
Kydon ignored him. “But why Willow? Why is she so important that they would take her?” The brothers looked at each other and sighed. They sat in silence shortly.
“Your sister, Kydon, is the heir to the throne of Elowenia.”
Ooooohhh!! This got interesting fast! XD
There is always light behind the clouds.
- Little Women, Louisa May AlcottBum Bum BUMMMMMM!
Awesome can’t wait to see what happens next!
One thing that bothers me is, why did the twins separate Kydon and Willow like that? They sent a message to Kydon telling him to come to them, but left Willow behind and at the same time sent Evander to protect Willow. Wouldn’t it have made more sense for them to have had Kydon bring Willow with? It’s not a huge deal, but it seems like bad planning on the twins’ part.
One thing you could do is have Kydon be at the house when Willow gets captured, but someone rescues him. It shouldn’t be hard to fix, and the final outcome would be the same either way, so it’s not really a problem, but I thought I’d point it out. Looking forward to the next chapter!
🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of BooksOh boy… what is gonna happen… 😃
Once again, I have one question: Is Willow in the house with Kydon in the first paragraph?
“What be a cretin?”
“Of course you wouldn’t know. It’s a… bread you put in salad.”This is ramping up!
WRITE THE NEXT CHAPTER FAST!!! XD XD
(I have the same question as Cloaked Mystery, why would the twins tell Kydon to come but leave Willow? Was she out?)
It's harder to make a square evil than it is a triangle.
Annoying side character of the KP cast.
@highscribefaetherium
So… The reason Conrad and Caleb sent Evander and some other people to get Willow is because they didn’t think she would come willingly. One way I wrote this before was that Kydon got a message to bring Willow too, but she was gone. This brought up the problem of if Cassius knew that both were there, why didn’t the Lunam take both of them?
Yeah, I figured she wouldn’t go willingly, but wouldn’t it still make sense to try? And yeah, they probably would take Kydon to, but you could have Evander show up in time to get Kydon out or something.
🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of BooksI love it! I have the same thoughts as Cloaked Mystery. Also it might help if you spread out the chapter a little more. The events seem to happen really fast, and the reader barely has time to process before the next event happens. Sorry if that doesn’t make sense, I’m not good at explaining what I mean, haha! Maybe go more into detail about Kydon’s emotions. Like, wouldn’t Kydon be confused as to why they want him, where they’re taking him? Wouldn’t he be a little suspicious as to what motives they have for taking him to an unidentified location? Is he scared of what danger he could be in? Does his mind race as they lead him down the path?
Wouldn’t he check on Willow or at least leave her a note so she wouldn’t worry? Kydon also seems kind of emotionless when they are telling him that Willow was taken. Is he angry at the twins for not warning him sooner or taking Willow too so she would be safe? What are his thoughts?
Sorry if I’m giving too much feedback. I really like your characters and your “worldbuilding”, and the plot. It’s really interesting!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333I’ve been in a writing slump lately, sorry y’all! Probably shouldn’t have done this, but I’ve started re-writing from the beginning. I moved the start back so there’s less info dumping and we get more stories about Conrad and Caleb and how Kydon and Willow ended up in the middle of nowhere. Not much writing has been getting done, but a lot of daydreaming/ideas lol! I should probably stop reading High Fantasy because I keep comparing these series to my writing and… yeah.
On a happier note, I chose a major for college! And I’ve been debating whether or not I’m going to put a magic system into this book… I have a rough idea for one and like a million random scenes and dialogue in my head… I know a lot of Christians have mixed feelings about different magic systems and kind of like romance, everyone has different opinions on how much is too much. Obviously, there is a line you don’t cross but people will be people and… yeah. IDK if that makes sense. Because growing up in my family, Lord of the Rings was borderline too much magic, and kissing before marriage was wrong. I don’t want to disrespect peoples’ opinions of that stuff, but at the same time, it is my book. So, how do y’all deal with those types of things?
Anyway, I’m working on having a first-and-a-half draft done this spring, but we will see. There will be some radio silence sometimes, but I do write… occasionally. Had this really cool idea for a new book the other day, but I will restrain myself from working on that for now lol.
Thanks so much!
Hey!! I just read a chapter you posted a while back and it looks really interesting! I’ll probably stick around to read the rewrite. I’m excited!!
And to answer your questions…
First, about magic, I totally respect others’ opinions of not reading or watching stuff like that (like Harry Potter). But my opinion is that stuff like Harry Potter is okay. The reason why is because the Bible speaks against the kind of witchcraft that people can actually do in real life (think mediums, séances, etc. [not sure if I spelled that second word right but whatever XD]). I think magic in fantasy is okay as long as it is handled correctly and the “dark magic” isn’t portrayed as good. I know other people have different views on this, and that’s totally fine. It’s honestly up to you. There is a line where you have to be careful about what magic you’re including, but for me, most magic in books I’m okay with. I don’t write magic a lot though, so I’m definitely no expert in this area.
As for the romance part… Like you said, there’s a line you can’t cross (unless you’ve been very prayerful about it and handle it with sensitivity. That’s a whole other ballgame though). On the other hand, people have varying opinions on how romance should be handled in books. I like seeing it in books when it’s written well and portrayed the right way, the Biblical way. I don’t think kissing before marriage is inherently wrong, because it all comes down to your heart. For some people, what may seem like an innocent kiss, may be so much more. So in that case you have to think about what you believe in that area and even think about your characters and their personalities. I have included kissing in one of my books before, twice in the same book with two different couples, and I was personally okay with it for two reasons: 1) I didn’t go into detail or make a big deal about it in the story. And 2) Both couples were adults (or practically adults). (And one of them was about to die, so come on people!! XD) I could talk about this topic forever because I’ve actually put a lot of thought into it (now I kinda wanna write an article about it for KP… XD), but I think it comes down to what you believe and what the Bible says. Idk, does that all make sense? Maybe I was just ranting XD If you want to hear more about this topic, a great podcast I listened to really helped to shape my opinion. It’s by Grace A. Johnson, (an indie author who actually used to be on KP) on her podcast, Spirit and Script. (It’s Episode 4 | Why Romance?) So anywayyy… after all that, I do include romance in my books, but I try to make it represent true love. And if a relationship is not showing true love, like the way God loves us, then I try to make that clear. True love is sacrificial, it’s about humbling yourself in order to serve another the best way possible. And that’s the kind of love I want to show to readers through the romantic relationships in my books.
I’m not sure if any of that ranting was helpful at all, but I’m hoping it is. 😂
Anyway, I’m looking forward to reading your WIP in the near future!!
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
Woah, that was way longer than I intended it to be. Whoops XDD
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
Yeah, magic in fantasy doesn’t bother me either, but when it gets dark it becomes a problem. Also when it becomes borderline pantheism like the force in Star Wars and that kind of stuff. This is something that bothers me in the Wheel of Time books that I’m reading right now. It gets a little iffy there with the evil magic system, but it hasn’t really been portrayed as good, so that’s relieving.
I definitely love a good romance (especially the classics like Little Women, Pride and Prejudice, and Rose in Bloom) but they have to be tastefully done and clean. This is also something that bothers me in WOT, but that’s a rant for another day. I think in my WIP there are only a few kisses, between engaged couples and married couples. Not going to describe it, but it’s still an important moment for some of them.
Anyway, thanks for the answers!
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