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@lightoverdarkness6 @felicity @theloonyone @mineralizedwritings @anyone-else-who-is-interested-in-my-story-or-I-forgot-to-tag
Hey, everybody!! So, on this thread, I’ll be sharing my dystopian WIP. I would like some critique, but don’t feel obligated. So, since this is only a first draft, there may be typos, and keep in mind, I change things as I write, so I’ll let you know if something randomly comes up.
Don’t feel like you have to read it or have to reply if I tagged you or even if I didn’t. Any feedback, good or bad, is welcome! But I’d prefer feedback on the story rather than grammar. 😅
Before I start, I’d like to introduce you to my charrie’s families. (At least how they look)
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
Now for the first 2 chapters!!!
Chapter 1
Amidala Nadir frowned. Something wasn’t quite right. She dipped her paintbrush in the pink paint and dabbed the canvas with the paint. She smiled. Perfect. She placed her painting supplies to the side and admired the flowers.
Pink roses… her favorite. They reminded her of hope. She peeked out the window and sighed. The sun was at its peak in the sky. Then it flickered. The artificial sky never really captured the beauty of the real sky. Sure, she had never seen a real sunset or the actual sun, but Ami believed that it was more beautiful than the fake sky created by The Orb.
For twenty years The Orb had covered her country of Themelios. Bayron Len had taken over the government and put The Orb in place. Nobody was allowed to escape it. People had tried and some succeeded, but they never came back. Len claimed that The Orb was keeping them safe, but nobody believed him.
He never hurt anybody, but his guards weren’t as merciful to those who tried to escape. Because of The Orb, Themelios wasn’t able to trade anymore. The people slowly adjusted and learned to grow their own food and make their own supplies. But, The Orb kept closing in on Themelios. Now, it was down to just a few cities, the District of Daemarrel.
Ami sighed again. She rose out of her seat, removed her apron, and went downstairs to clean her paintbrushes in the sink. As she turned on the water, her fourteen year old brother, Fynn rushed into the kitchen. He held his pet leopard gecko, Cynder, in one hand and with the other hand he was trying to shove some trinket into his pocket. He bumped into Ami and the colored water splashed onto her white blouse.
Fynn stopped and whipped around. “Sorry, Ami!” He called out as he went to his room. Ami sucked in a breath. She slowly let out the breath in order to avoid yelling at him. She relaxed and continued washing her brushes. The paint should come out in the wash.
As she dried her brushes with a paper towel, her eleven year old sister Skyler pounded down the stairs with a laughing Fynn on her heels. “Mom!” She cried. “Fynn let Cyner climb on my bed! And he took my bracelet!”
Adalynn came around the corner from the living room with her brow furrowed. “Fynn!” She scolded. “You know your sister hates that. And you know how many times we’ve told you no too. Give her her bracelet back.”
Fynn had stopped laughing now, but a grin still played on his lips. “I know,” he mumbled. “Sorry, Sky,” he handed her the bracelet
Skyler snatched the bracelet and crossed her arms. She whipped her head around, her bright red hair flying. Adalynn sighed. “Skyler,” she reprimanded.
Sky humphed. “I forgive you.” They both walked away in different directions. Adalynn shook her head and walked over to Ami. “You know,” she said to Ami, “those children would be much better behaved if they took after their mother.”
Ruben, Ami’s father, walked in. “I heard that,” he said with a wink. He pecked Adalynn’s cheek with a kiss. “It’s all right. They’ll become mature… someday.” He raised his eyebrows.
Ami laughed. “Yeah… like when they’re forty!” She gathered her brushes and headed for the stairway. She reached her room and carefully returned her paints and brushes to their proper places.
Amidala adjusted the books on her desk and straightened them out. She nodded. Now they were perpendicular to her school books. The district school had been cut off because of The Orb, but she still kept up her studies due to her parents’ wishes. She seated herself on her bed and a knock sounded on her door. “Can I come in, Ami?”
“Sure,” Ami replied. Skyler walked into the room. “I need help with my math,” Sky said, tossing her math book on the bed. Ami brought the book over to her desk and grabbed a pencil from her pencil cup. Sky flipped to the page she was having trouble with.
Most didn’t enjoy or weren’t good at math, but Ami found all algebra, calculus, geometry, you name it. Ami explained how to solve the problem. It was like a lightbulb went on in Sky’s head. “I get it now!” She exclaimed. “Thanks so much!” She rushed out of the room as Ami smiled softly.
Amidala shook her head at her little sister. She was wild. She heard a knock on the door downstairs and heard two people talk for a little bit. “Ami!” Adalynn called from below. “Everton’s here!”
Ami smiled and quickly went down the stairs. Everton was her best friend since forever. Ev took off his aviator sunglasses and put them in the pocket of his favorite brown leather jacket. He rarely went without it. He wiped off his red, worn Converse sneakers, the shoes he wore all the time.
He ran a hand through his hair and greeted Ami, “Hey! I was bored, so I stopped by.”
Ami raised an eyebrow. “You… bored?”
He smiled. Ami grabbed the cookie jar from the pantry and offered it to him. “Want some?”
“Thanks,” he said, grabbing a couple of cookies. He took a bite and said, “Mrs. Nadir, you make the best oatmeal cookies ever!”
Adalynn smiled. “I’m glad you like them,” she replied as she exited the room. Ev quickly finished off the last of his cookies. “So,” he asked. “What’s up with you?”
“Not much. I just finished another painting though. Wanna see it?”
“Sure!” Ami ran up the stairs and grabbed her fresh painting. She proudly held it out in front of him. Ev raised his eyebrows. “I think that’s your best work yet!”
“Thanks! I think so too,” she gently placed it on the table.
Ev sighed. “I wish I was good at something like you.”
“You are! Plenty of things. You are definitely a problem-solver.”
“I can’t solve all problems.”
Ami sat by him and placed her hand on top of his. She knew he was talking about his home life. “It’ll be okay.”
He nodded. “Right.”
Chapter 2
As Everton left the Nadir’s house, a smile played on his lips. He enjoyed visiting them. They always seemed so happy. And Ami was so kind… and pretty. He had known her for as long as he could remember. They had known each other since preschool. They had been just friends, but lately, he was starting to think of her as more than a friend. Ev shook the thought out of his head. There’s no way she would feel the same way.
He took a deep breath as he approached his home, a block from the Nadir’s house. There was a reason why he liked spending time with the Nadirs. They seemed so perfect…
Before he reached the doorstep, his twenty-one year old brother opened the door and slammed it behind him. He stomped past him with a look of anger. Ev furrowed his brow. He didn’t even want to ask. “Asher?” Ev said cautiously. Asher turned around and took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. Everton caught his eye and it explained everything. They exchanged an unspoken conversation. Asher continued down the street.
Ev reached for the doorknob and sighed. He slowly opened the door. As he entered the house, he peered around the room. Nobody was there except his mother, Harlin. Ev held his book tightly in his hand. With a quick nod at his mother, he made his way toward the stairs. Suddenly, his father, Malyk, stopped him from behind with his sharp words. “Where have you been?”
“I was just at Ami’s. I needed help with some school stuff,” Everton said, not making eye contact with Malyk.
“Was it math homework again?” He questioned.
Ev nodded slightly. Malyk grunted, “When will you ever get better at math? I expect more of you! You shouldn’t need help with your homework anymore!”
Everton faced him boldly. “Well, you never hired a tutor or even tried to help me in the first place!”
“Because my son is too good for a tutor! This is not what I want from you!”
“I try, okay! I really try!”
“Try harder.”
Everton gripped his math book, trying to hold back his anger. He whipped around and pounded up the stairs. He entered his room and slammed the door. Refused to cry. He tossed his math book on the floor and plopped on his bed. He buried his face in his hands and grunted. The tears slowly slid down his face. Why did his life have to be like this? He either had to be just like his father, or he wasn’t good enough.
He wiped away his tears as a soft knock sounded on the door. “Go away,” he grumbled, putting away his math book on his desk. The door slowly opened. His thirteen year old brother, Lukas, stepped into the room. He ran a hand through his dark, slightly curly hair and sat on the floor.
“What was it this time?” He asked.
Everton shook his head. “Nothing important.”
“Mm,” Lukas said. “Asher was here earlier.”
“I know.”
“I’m sorry you missed him. I think he wanted to talk with you.”
Ev sighed. “Don’t worry… I’ll see him soon enough.”
Lukas nodded. “I suppose.” After a beat he stood up. “I’m gonna take a walk… Comin’ with?”
Everton forced a small smile. “Sure.”
They quickly left the house and traipsed along the sidewalk in silence. A company of Len’s guards stomped down the street in formation. Ev and Lukas walked for a half hour and reached the end of their district, the end of The Orb. Ev looked longingly at the border of The Orb. He took a step closer. His feet were less than a yard away.
He could leave right now… no guards were close by. “Ev,” Lukas said, glancing worriedly around. “Don’t even think about it. Come on. Let’s go. Before someone finds us.”
Everton didn’t budge. He heard boots come towards him. On his right was a guard. “What do you think you’re doing? Planning to go somewhere?”
“I wish,” Ev said, looking the guard right in the eyes.
The guard laughed. “If I were you, I wouldn’t even dare to try.”
Everton scooted just a bit closer to the edge. The guard’s hand flinched towards his rifle. Ev smirked. He slowly turned around and sauntered away with Lukas by his side. “We’re always watching,” the guard called out.
Everton ignored him. He had bigger things to worry about anyway. They soon came back home. All too quickly. Lukas started to walk into the house. “Tell Mom I’ll be home in time for dinner,” Everton called out. Lukas sighed and nodded. Ev crossed the street as soon as Lukas closed the door.
He followed a few roads behind alleyways, if they could even be called roads. The ground was damp from the rainstorm two days ago. He finally reached a dark alley. He tried to not look nervous as a group of teenagers and young adults emerged from the shadows. The tallest of them came forward to Everton. He had a shadow of beard and smelled like he hadn’t bothered to shower for the past month.
He looked down at Ev. “So,” he said. “You want to join us?”
Everton nodded. The man nodded towards his accomplices. They came forward and searched Ev’s pockets. “He’s unarmed,” said one. The man scrutinized Ev. “We have a mission planned for two days from now. It requires you to be dedicated to us and us only. We’re planning a coup on Bayron Len. You think you can handle it?”
Everton smirked. “Of course. No one wants out of The Orb more than me.” The man exchanged glances with those in his group. He looked back at Ev and said, “Good. Now here’s the plan.”
Everton smiled. This would be exciting.
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
By the way, if you guys think anyone else would want to read it, please tag them. I may have forgotten some people 😅
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
- Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
- Total Posts: 692
The way they look is awesome. I like them already. Unfortunately, I don’t have time to read through a book rn. 😕 I might later. I’m also not the best critiquer and have only critiqued someone’s work once so please bare with me and don’t feel bad about my critiques. They’re my personal opinion and it doesn’t change my view of you. 😉 I’m sure you know that already but just a reminder in case I come on too strong. 😄
@sarafini
Gotcha 😉 I probably need more critique on my work anyway. I’ve only read it to a few of my cousins and my two younger siblings, so it’s always nice to get some critique that isn’t all positive bc it grows me as a writer and just as a person, tbh. 🙂
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
Oh, that was really interesting! I like your descriptions of the kids in their homes, I really get a feel for the tone of interaction.
Here’s a couple suggestions:
Ev sighed. “I wish I was good at something like you.”
“You are! Plenty of things. You are definitely a problem-solver.”
“I can’t solve all problems.”
I’m a present tense writer, so I’ll do my best to give advice in past tense.
I felt like a lot of the more important dialogue moments didn’t have enough description. When there’s a key dialogue moment in my book, I really try to make the connections between the character’s obvious. I liked how she put her hand on his, that was sweet.
In this paragraph, I personally would have had a description at each dialogue, not just the first one. If a character is upset, like this scene, I usually have them look down, like at a table. Or if you want it to be more about both character’s, have them look at each-other. Here’s an example, it’s just a suggestion, do whatever works for your book best!
Ev sighed. “I wish I was good at something like you.”
“You are! Plenty of things. You are definitely a problem-solver.” Ami said, looking him in the eye.
Ev paused.“I can’t solve all problems.” His gaze dropped towards the floor.
I’m pretty methodical with dialouge, doing it like this takes awhile, but I think it’s worth it in the end. I also think you could do a bit more with the dialouge between Ev and his dad. I could get a general feel for it, but I personally would add more. It’s a pretty crucial scene, because it sets the tone for what Ev’s challenges are, and how they make him feel. I like how you describe his anger, that helped me understand who he is a bit better. I would add in some body language to help imagine the scene a bit better. What are they both doing while talking? Is one of them pacing?Maybe try to describe the feeling of the tense air.
“Because my son is too good for a tutor! This is not what I want from you!”
“I try, okay! I really try!”
“Try harder.”
Most of your dialogue did have more description than this scene, I would add some more. Maybe use “—said, frustration boiling in his tone.” or something else to end some of the dialogue.
Overall, I would say don’t worry about being methodical with your dialogue, it’s worth it in the end. every writer has a different style though, so if that’s not your thing, don’t worry about it!
I’m intrigued! Thanks for tagging me!
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
Thank you so much for the feedback! Super helpful! I’ve noticed that I do need to work on dialogue and character interaction more.
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
- Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
- Total Posts: 692
- I’ve been taught not to use the word said a lot. Just trust the punctuation marks. Is that wrong? Just thinking about it when @mineralizedwritings was critiquing @esther-c work.
- Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
- Total Posts: 692
That might have been the wrong place to ask. Sorry y’all! Is there a place where you can ask questions like that?
@sarafini
Oh, yes. You’re not wrong. I suppose it just depends how often it’s used.
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
@sarafini
You can start a thread with that question. Just press the community tab and choose the forum under which you want to put it. Then somewhere at the top there should be an option to “Create Topic”. I think that’s right.
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
@freedomwriter76
I remember you said that you already love Ev. So here’s his story!! 😄
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
- Rank: Chosen One
- Total Posts: 8156
@esther-c. Uh oh…Everton…XD
I love it tho!!! <333
I love Amidala’s family! Everton’s…not as much…lol, but I’m still willing to give them more of a chance, lol. Lukas seems nice tho. 🙂
I’m curious about Asher. 😉
I would agree with @mineralizedwritings about using body language, since body language can convey feelings and emotions much better than describing the emotions can, if you know what I mean by that.
He whipped around and pounded up the stairs. He entered his room and slammed the door. Refused to cry. He tossed his math book on the floor and plopped on his bed. He buried his face in his hands and grunted. The tears slowly slid down his face. Why did his life have to be like this? He either had to be just like his father, or he wasn’t good enough.
That was a great way of showing Everton’s emotions and struggles and his anger. I liked that part. The writer part of me, at least. The rest of me feels bad for Everton. XD
Nonetheless, I love it so far and can’t wait for more! 😀
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