Home Page › Forums › Fiction Writing › Critiques › Novel Critique Requests › Looking for feedback on my first book!
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April 26, 2024 at 9:29 am #179201
Oh, I clicked the new link and it says there’s an error, but if you click and hold with two fingers, the option should appear “Open Link in New Tab.” If you click that, it should open. Of course, I’m using a mac. I think it’s a right-click on a PC to get the options panel.
Let me know if this works!
"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." Edmund Burke
April 26, 2024 at 9:33 am #179203Hmm. I tried that, but even with the new tab, it was giving me the same message. It’s a similar message to the one it gives me when the internet disconnects, but I checked and my internet connection is fine right now, so that shouldn’t be the issue.
"Real love is for your good, not for your comfort." -Justin Whitmel Earley
April 26, 2024 at 9:34 am #179204Oh, no! Sorry, just forget what I posted above. That’s not what worked!! I don’t know why the new link doesn’t open with you just clicking it. However, this is how I got it to work. I highlighted it by lightly clicking it, not so it would open, but just so it would highlight the entire line by itself. Then, I copied it (using command c), and pasted it in a new window bar.
That is what worked for me.
Again, the above post is not what worked! Sorry! Hopefully, this method will work!
"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." Edmund Burke
April 26, 2024 at 9:39 am #179205Lol that’s not working for me either! Maybe my computer just doesn’t like the link.
"Real love is for your good, not for your comfort." -Justin Whitmel Earley
April 26, 2024 at 9:49 am #179206Oh dear! Well, if you want to, you can send me your email, and I can share the Google Docs file with you. That’s totally up to you, though.
Sorry that the link isn’t working! I hope it’s not like this for everyone.
"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." Edmund Burke
May 9, 2024 at 10:33 am #179476No it’s not working. It’s kinda doing the same thing it is for Janessa. 🤔
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
May 9, 2024 at 10:41 am #179477(Sorry for getting back to you so late!! Life has been pretty busy rn.)
Well, a lot is going on concerning family relations. Not ones in my immediate family, but with our other relatives. My grandmother is moving out here soon, so a lot is going to change. There are going to be a lot of opportunities to deny myself and serve and love others. There’s also still tension concerning some other matters in the outer family, but we know God is good and in control. Every day that gets prayed here, and it’s amazing to see how He works.
I’m so glad y’all are keeping your eyes on Him. It makes all the situations around you seem like less of a big deal sometimes. And yes, He is always good and forever sovereign. 😊 I’ll be praying for you guys. <3
For myself, things are going pretty well. A big focus in my spiritual life is putting on the armor of God. Mama lent me a small booklet that expounded on Ephesians 6:10-18, and I now regard that passage in a whole different way than before. So, I’m working with God to put on His armor, defeating Satan’s temptations, and instead serving God.
Awesome!! I always love to hear how others are growing in their faith.
I have work each week. My siblings and I clean a lodge of 32 rooms. Sometimes there’s more work, sometimes less. It depends how many room were used, ect… I also occasionally work at a produce farm, but my brother is the one who usually works there. My school isn’t much, only about two hours. But, I have projects that I work on for my father.
Ok cool! Sounds fun!
I also spend time training/exercising/playing with my dog Buddy. He’s a big part in my life.
Aww, yes, dogs are so much fun!! 😊 I have a Siberian husky. I think I’ve asked you this before, but what breed is he?
As for writing, my progress has been great. All I need to complete now for this book is:
1. Learn and create a back cover and spine
2. Insert the pictures
I’m so glad!! That must be really exciting!
In everything, I get reminded to do all to glorify God.
Exactly! That’s what I try to keep in mind too.
How about you?
I’m doing good, thanks for asking! Life has been pretty busy since we’re in the middle of my brother’s volleyball season and I’m beginning to prepare for my season with fitness training and open gyms.
I have a play coming up on Saturday though! I’m a little nervous, but it’s going to be really fun! 😁 Preparing for that has taken up a lot of time lately too.
So yeah, there’s a lot going on, but it’s the little things that make it busy I think. Our summer is going to be pretty busy with sports camps, work, and vacations, but I have a feeling it’s going to be really good. 😊 That’s pretty much all that’s going on right now. Life is busy, but good. And of course, God has been so good to me and my family. <3
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
May 9, 2024 at 10:42 am #179478@ esther
That’s truly strange. Oh, well. I thought I would just post one of the stories I wrote. It’s a school paper, so that’s why there’s no dialogue in it. I thought the story would have stronger emotion and flow better if I wrote it longer and added dialogue, but as I had certain boundaries since this was a school project, I couldn’t do that. However, I have thought of writing a copy of this and fleshing out the story more. I also decided to set it in the world of Narnia. If you want, let me know what you think!
—Restored—
A Tale of ArchenlandPrince Orrin spurred his horse onwards as the trees whipped by.
As the lone horse and rider galloped through the moonlit forest, far in the distance, fireworks crackled in the night sky. It was New Year’s Eve.
Supposedly, Orrin was to be joyously dancing in the decorous halls of Anvard castle with his royal family, their subjects of Archenland, and the neighboring kings and queens of Narnia. At least, that is what should have been happening.
Since childhood, Orrin was known to have a hot temper. In the earlier years, when things weren’t going his way he’d turn the course of events in his favor with his fists or sharp tongue. Being sharply disciplined had curbed his anger as he grew into a young man, but every wise parent knows their admonishment takes no root unless the heart is changed.
That evening while Orrin was preparing himself for the eve’s dance, his elder brother, Prince Ore, had joined him. Alone, which was a rare occurrence, the princes fell to talking on more private matters. Regrettably, just as with many siblings, it wasn’t long before the two found an area where neither of them agreed with the other. It was a silly trifle.
Though I must say, the elder prince was correct on the matter.
As the intensity grew, the elder prince realized his downward spiral and withdrew from his forthcoming accusations. Proceeding to make amends with his brother, Ore ceased his strife and tried to settle the matter kindly but honestly.
Grievously, however, Orrin, having hardened his heart and refused to hear his brother’s petition, wrathfully seized a large oaken lute and flung it towards him. The heavy wooden instrument clubbed the elder prince on the side of his head. Instantly, the prince lost all his senses and crumpled to the floor, harshly striking the hard marble surface. Blood flowed from his head.
Realizing what he had just done, Orrin panicked. Through his remorseful tears, Prince Orrin tried to stop the rapid flow of blood from his brother’s gash.
When he perceived that his efforts were in vain and his brother needed assistance immediately, he rushed out of the room and yelled for help.
Orrin’s heart burned within him.
He was a coward. He would never be forgiven. He could never be restored.
Amidst the hustle and bustle of Ore’s “accident,” Orrin managed to slip away unnoticed and flee into the forest on his horse.
Many years later, a fair young maiden traversed through a nighttime forest.
Beaming faintly in the dark sky, the luminous moon shone down through the late summer trees and over the distant mountains.
Gracefully gliding between trees and bushes, the maiden was covered in a traveling cloak.
Although her clothes were distinctly Calormene, one only needed to gaze into her clear blue eyes to recognize her as Cornelia, the charming princess of Archenland. Her dimples were also unique. The only princess in the royal family, Cornelia was cherished and adored by both her relatives and subjects. What could the princess of Archenland be doing in a forest, miles away from her homeland?
After the incident of Ore’s injury and Orrin’s disappearance, the kingdom of Archenland had fallen into disarray. Fervently anxious to find his missing son, King Ur had spared no time or resources to find him. Yet, Orrin was never found.
While these chaotic affairs continued, the lurking enemies of Archenland spied on a chance to overtake the small kingdom.
Though Archenland and Narnia were right beside each other, and each had always been a faithful ally, both lands were much smaller than the lands of Calormen and Ettinsmoor.
About a year after Orrin’s disappearance, Archenland was attacked, not just by outsiders, but from inside the kingdom as well.
Secretly communicating for years with the Tisroc of Calormen, King Ur’s brother, Lord Urlin had carefully made siege plans and quietly watched for weaknesses in the kingdom’s defenses.
Taken by total surprise, having the king and army distracted with other pressing matters, the kingdom of Archenland fell. Everyone was utterly shocked. Narnia could offer no assistance since they were desperately fighting back the giants of Ettinsmoor, who had waited long for this invasion. Archenland was crushed. Adversaries now ruled. The royal family were captives. Despite the overwhelming odds, Princess Cornelia escaped the prison, and disguising herself as a Tarkeena, fled the land with the mission of finding her lost brother. Where Orrin was, she did not know; all she knew was that he was the chosen one to restore the kingdom of Archenland. With this as her goal, Princess Cornelia traveled far and wide through distant lands, accompanied by her best friend, Maurin the talking wolf, and her horse, Farewind.
⚹⚹⚹⚹⚹
Orrin knelt on the grass as the Golden Lion rested His paw on his shoulder.
Besides the royal family, court, and subjects of Archenland, the Great Lion knighted Orrin to be Prince Orrin the Restorer.
When the knighting was over, his entire family flocked around him. Cornelia squeezed him tightly. Ore fondly shook his hand. His parents warmly embraced him. Orrin was overwhelmed with joy.
Three months earlier, he was living in a small town among foreign people in a thick mountainous forest, in a land far, far away from Archenland.
Through miles of land and sun, Cornelia had searched for him, fervently believing that someday she would find him. And she did. Assisted by the Great Lion Himself, Cornelia had found her missing brother.
Earnestly, the princess informed Orrin of all the terrors that had taken place in their beloved homeland. However, all these grave tidings did not move Orrin to return to Archenland. No, indeed, his heart had left that land the day he’d fled and he’d created a new life and identity in that small town. Regrettably, not even the peril of his own family urged Orrin to rise as a true prince and fight.
As the days passed, Cornelia realized with a broken heart, that all her striving efforts were in vain. At least, it seemed so.
Resolving in her mind to head to Narnia, for she knew no other land where help may still come, Cornelia sorrowfully and angrily left her brother and turned back towards the familiar lands.
However, she had not gone far when hearing horse’s hooves, she looked back and beheld her brother, Orrin. He was now Prince Orrin. His heart had been cleansed. His fire had been restored.
Could you imagine the immense joy the two had at that moment?
As they continued together, Orrin told Cornelia that the Great Lion had come to him the very hour that she’d left.
Gravely, the Lion had spoken to him about the tragic results of his sin and of what had occurred spiritually because of his anger and cowardice. Seeing himself truly for the first time, Orrin realized his great sin and repented. With instructions from the Lion, Orrin knew how to restore the cords he’d broken.
Over the next few weeks, the prince and princess strategized and traveled, gathering up an army from Orrin’s town and the loyal neighboring towns.
After several more weeks of wise planning and battle training, Orrin’s army attacked the Calormenes who’d taken over Archenland. Although they were superior in numbers, the Calormenes were readily defeated, being taken by surprise and stealth.
Immediately, King Ur set to restore the land of Archenland.
Full of sorrow at the consequences of his sin, and yet full of gratitude towards the Lion, Orrin asked for everyone’s forgiveness. No one refused. Joy was restored. Archenland was restored. The lost prince was restored.
Prince Orrin, with a restored heart and hope, bowed with everyone else, Archenlander and Narnian, to the Great Lion who had restored them all.
The End
"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." Edmund Burke
May 9, 2024 at 10:43 am #179479Oh! And as for writing, it’s been really slow for a while. Over the summer I’m planning to step back from what used to be my main WIP and focus on this new idea that will not leave me alone. XD (to be fair, I chose to flesh out the characters and write a few scenes which made me like it even more, lol) But I think that’s going to be good. I might work on that other WIP as well though. I don’t know. We’ll see! I’m hoping to start writing more now that school’s out and my brain isn’t dead from studying so much. XD
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
May 9, 2024 at 10:49 am #179480@esther
Wait, you’re acting in a play?
Awww! I love Huskies! I’d love to have one someday. Buddy is some sort of mix. Perhaps a Pit Bull/Plott Hound. He’s brindle and looks like a hound dog. Acts like one, too.
Thank you for keeping us in your prayers! I’ll plan to do the same!
By the way, have you ever been in YWW before? I’ve thought about joined off and on, and was wondering what it’s like.
What’s your new WIP about? I still have several small writings to finish up, before digging into my first real big novel! Well, I might work on some short stories first. I keep getting so many good ideas!!!
Oh! Another thing that I and my family will be very busy with is reenacting. Did I tell you about this before? My family has recently joined a 1700’s reenacting group, and our first event is coming up! I am SOOOO excited! I have to sew a lot, too, to get my clothes ready on time!
"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." Edmund Burke
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