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We crazy people are the normal ones.
Oops it’s not working lol. so sorry about that!
We crazy people are the normal ones.
I’ll try later lol
We crazy people are the normal ones.
Yeah, pics have recently been attacked by Wyoh. Old posts too I guess.
I’ll make a full reply later since I’m angry at myself rn, and when I get angry, most ppl think it’s at them. Same with disappointment.
Rn, just a few things…
- There is no possible way I can combine Alpha’s and Nahum’s stories. It would overwhelm both writer and reader within the first chapters. (I also am not ready to write the Meglena scene *shivers*. I just wish Krogen would knock those silly and dangerous life-threatening ideas out of Alpha’s head!)
- I guess I should share some plot points, just cuz you seem to be doubting me a little bit (BTW, I probably have this totally wrong)
- Laxan Invasion
- Banorian festival
- Mandin and Nahim work as team to find Dan Wan
- Bounty snip
- Mandin into Space Skwads (spelled grammatically correct)
- Trader Johann and the Shadowcaster
- Mandin just n trouble, Nahim saves him
- Second Laxorian invasion
- The appearance of the “Flaming Sword”
- Victory of Laxor
- Nahim becomes Mission Guardian for Lord Nahor
- Some stuff still in need of finer details (fuzzy picture)
- Master Canin Grostoff meets Nahim again (old friends)
- Canin mentors Nahim in a way
- Canin calls for Nahim’s help
- Nahim captured by Vorgan, Canin’s treachery revealed.
- Vorgansuccessfully breaks Nahim
- Nahim thrown to Mormaka
- Nahim rescued
- Nahim’s lordship revealed, Council of Lords.
- The return of the dragons
- The last effort to crush Nana
- The last Nayhelm duels Vorgan
- In total Nayhelmic style, Nahim defeats Horgan while successfully making everyone else think that he’s dead.
- War over, Lord Nahim eventually throws himself into next war (in absolutely perfect Nayhelmic style)
- Oh, and I plan on changing the violin thing, I just have to alternate name so it shall be as it is for a little bit.
- Certain parts of the plot points I purposefully left vague, and some are just my random mind. Feel free to ask for clarity.
"You need French Toast."
I’ll make a full reply later since I’m angry at myself rn, and when I get angry, most ppl think it’s at them. Same with disappointment.
It’s ok, I totally get it! And don’t be angry at yourself, we’ve all had those moments. Sometimes I get really frustrated with whatever I’m doing and get super mad at my story and self for it not being what I want it to be. I totally get it.
Also, remember, you are in the first drafts of your WIP, it’s not meant to be perfect, it’s just meant to exist. You have good ideas, so you have a good start. Stories go through many revisions, since no one is perfect. The original plan for Return of the Jedi was to have Han die in the end, but they scrapped it in later drafts. Your story will have things you’re unhappy with at this stage, and so does mine!
There is no possible way I can combine Alpha’s and Nahum’s stories. It would overwhelm both writer and reader within the first chapters. (I also am not ready to write the Meglena scene *shivers*. I just wish Krogen would knock those silly and dangerous life-threatening ideas out of Alpha’s head!)
I see, thanks for clearing that up!
Oof whatever the Meglena scene is, I get it if you don’t want to write it. I had to go vague on some stuff with my sci-fi WIP I put on the backburner (I didn’t put the MC through the ringer, I put him through the blender, baked him on 500 degrees Fahrenheit, put him in acid, left him out to dry in the rain, and gave him family drama so I could later wrap him in a blanket and give him some tea) and even with my current WIP Angus is a veteran who’s seen a lot of combat so his backstory’s going to be quite censored for gore. what is the Meglena scene if you want to talk about it?
Oh, and I plan on changing the violin thing, I just have to alternate name so it shall be as it is for a little bit.
I see! I was curious, because it’s not immersion-breaking if you add it, but I was wondering if you’d prefer an alternative. 🙂
Certain parts of the plot points I purposefully left vague, and some are just my random mind. Feel free to ask for clarity.
Thank you! It definitely helps to see your overall plan, my only questions are:
- What triggers Nahim leaving his current status-quo as a bounty-hunter?
- Is your midpoint the victory of Laxor? How will it change the trajectory of the story?
- So your ending for book 1 is to have Nahim fake his death after defeating Vorgan and start fighting in the next war?
Again, thank you for explaining the full span of Book 1, it really helps me understand the trajectory of your first two chapters, and I really like what you’ve got for your plot! It sounds interesting and is a good start to a larger story!
We crazy people are the normal ones.
what is the Meglena scene if you want to talk about it?
Oops, sorry. Meglena is a planet that is covered in fog so thick that you cannot see someone next to you, unless they are literally touching you. It gets creepier when there are these glowing things that race around in the dark (think Speed Stinger things from httyd (Google it if you don’t know what I’m talking about) but glowing, and with no paralyzing venom). Meglena also is filled with complex tunnels, and to go in them is a death wish. Why? Because something evil lives on Meglena.
Mandin quoted Adin Florain, so you know his name. He was an elf, a Realn with pure High Blood (High Blood to Wondian means immortal blood). He was known for his wisdom and power. He was born a little after the Realn made it to space, and died not to long before Mandin was born. His death came to be on Meglena.
Adin (meaning “little fire”, he was named after a brave warrior from ancient tales that saved a village by sacrificing himself to kill the Snow Dragon that haunted the mountains) led an expedition to Meglena in efforts to discover what the evil thing was that lived there. The only survivor was not Adin, and that survivor has been broken in mind ever since. From what the Realn nation could gather, they believe that Adin found the thing, after almost all of his men were killed by a serpentine beast, and Adin entered a battle of power. He lost to his demise. How the survivor escaped is unclear. Some say he was left to warn the world that Meglena is not safe for High Blood or any other.
Anyways, Alpha, being the one who loves to prove himself, convinces Krogen (a good friend of Nahim’s who’s a Fettian with a sense of humor. You will meet him later in Guardian Angels and I think that he will become immortally in your mind afterwards XD) to go to Meglena with him. They survive the fog, and get into the tunnels where they are separated by the serpentine creature that Krogen reckonizes as a “Fettian Basilisk.” Which is odd, cuz the Fettians live far away from the Wond galaxy, and don’t know that it exists. Krogen got to Wond by accident many years ago. The Basilisk, after making sure Krogen is lost and can’t get to him, attacks Alpha. He drives Alpha through the tunnels, to where Alpha meets the creature. I forget the exact description (I have it written down in a notebook upstairs, but I’m rn sick and tired and don’t feel like getting it, so I’ll get back to you on that.) The creature turns out to be a magical Nameless Thing that commands the Basilisk to kill Alpha. But as it goes to do its work, Alpha stares into the creature’s face, and the creature grows afraid. He calls off the Basilisk and flees. Alpha foolishly pursues. The Basilisk goes to finish off Krogen, while the Creature defends itself against Alpha. Again grows afraid, and cowers even, as a darkness greater than the darkness of the tunnels fills the room.
For the first time in years, Alpha Grath meets Grathmere. To give you a mental pic of Grathmere, imagine the hobbit movies’ Thandruil, but with hair “blacker than black, eyes like fire or like an endless dark pit” and with a more pointy chin and fairer face. Oh, and his skin is the color of “cooled ashes”.
The darkness from Grathmere chokes Alpha, and lifts him off his feet. Grathmere leaves his son unconscious in the tunnels, where Krogen finds him after killing the Basilisk.
This is where Alpha goes almost crazy about hunting, and killing his father.
The scene is to be written like a horror, if you will, with the reader feeling dread and fear. I’m not good enough to write that way rn. Especially since I don’t read horror. This is actually the only scene I want to be co pletwly horrifying (don’t worry, I won’t get gory. Gore is not God honoring in my opinion usually.)
Okay, I’m done with the Meglena rant for now XD
What triggers Nahim leaving his current status-quo as a bounty-hunter?
Mandin getting into the Space Skwads. You will later get a glimpse that Master Milcah is a little obsessed with tradition and getting Mandin to do what he thinks his son needs to do. While he doesn’t directly mean to, Milcah becomes a little controlling because of this, and even makes Mandin afraid of him as you will see in a later scene. While his intentions are good, he goes about it the wring way. Master Milcah got Mandin in the Space Skwads, breaking up the bounty hunter team with Nahim, and causing Nahim to become again what Nahim says he is, “doomed to wander, far from home.”
Is your midpoint the victory of Laxor? How will it change the trajectory of the story?
I think the midpoint is more Canin. Idk, I don’t grasp plot well, idt.
So your ending for book 1 is to have Nahim fake his death after defeating Vorgan and start fighting in the next war?
He doesn’t purposefully fake it. He duels Vorgan, to get his revenge (Canin is in a Realn prison at this time) and loses his right arm. Vorgan than causes the Nanian palace to collapse on them. The Earth Drake recovers Nahim’s body, and everyone believes him to be dead, until they discover he is still breathing. It’s kinda funny, Nahim almost exactly follows the Nayhelmic stereotype set by Nayhelm himself. Lord Nahim then joins a secret group in the next war, called the Dragon Eye, who fight against the Sovereignty. That’s another long story.
"You need French Toast."
Interesting! How can you foreshadow Grathmere before this point perhaps? does Alpha have powers that are similar that Nahim makes him hide?
The scene is to be written like a horror, if you will, with the reader feeling dread and fear. I’m not good enough to write that way rn. Especially since I don’t read horror. This is actually the only scene I want to be co pletwly horrifying (don’t worry, I won’t get gory. Gore is not God honoring in my opinion usually.)
I see, I don’t typically write horror myself either (only one scene torturing a mc from old WIP, that I’m going to smooth over the gritty details of when I return to it) so I can’t give you the best advice, but maybe think about particularly nail-biting scenes in fiction you like. How did they get you so nervous? what scares you? And work from that. There’s a popular quote from Alfred Hitchcock, and while I can’t quote directly, he basically says that if some characters are in a room and a bomb goes off, it’s surprising and the reader has one moment of shock/terror, but if some characters are in a room and the reader knows a bomb will go off in ten minutes, then you have suspense for ten minutes… basically, make sure your readers know who they care about is in danger, like when Frodo and Sam fight Shelob.
I think the midpoint is more Canin. Idk, I don’t grasp plot well, idt.
I thought that Canin was the midpoint initially too. it’s placement makes his betrayal seem more like a darkest hour. The midpoint is basically just when the character’s goals change. Like when Luke finds out Vader is his father, and he’s no longer focused on becoming a Jedi and defeating the empire, but saving Han, and saving his dad.
Honestly, you have a good grasp on what you’re main events are, and as long as you have a good plan for what happens, then you can work from those points but it’s important to keep it simple as possible at first, and then branch out into more complex things when necessary.
We crazy people are the normal ones.
@scoutfinch180 @jonas @whalekeeper @loopylin @highscribeofaetherium @savannah_grace2009 @godlyfantasy12
This is a section of chapter two i’m finally happy with, so now I’m posting it here so you all ca read it/critique it. enjoy!
“Nahim. Nahim!”
Mandin waved his large hand in front of his 19-year-old friend’s hidden face. Nahim brushed Mandin’s hand away, without a word. Thoughts and daydreams captured Nahim, about events years ago, about feelings, smells and tastes from back at his home. He stared blankly through his visor at the winding course from the horizon that the many speeders had taken. His eyes did not even flick toward the joyful winner of the speeder race, nor to the Ward standards that waved now with ferocity, feathered wings around THE Stone.
Shoem 18th.
The date was branded upon his mind with the almost eternal flame of memory. The year was 10,019 GA, exactly four years after the Laxan invasion. Four long years, most the time running and hiding from the clutches of Vorgan, while he tried to find the one who betrayed his people to almost extinction. Nahim alone now carried the Nayhelm name. Every single Nayhelm death during this terrible Nanian war, Nahim pinned on the unnamed traitor.
“Nahim, what’s up?”
Nahim started, being pulled out of his thoughts. He seemed to be the only silent audience sitting in the crowd of Realn, whoops and cheers erupted around them in the packed stands leaning up to the sky.
Down below, in a large silver circle at the end of a long, winding path from the city on the horizon, stood a triumphant hero next to her speeder. She waved her gloved hand to the crowd. A large smile blessed her face and pure joy was in her hazel eyes. Behind her also waved and smiled the four others who had placed in the race.
The many flags of dragons and heroes thrashed in the strong winds of the planet Banor. One great standard stood out above all: the bust of a gold dragon. On his chest was a round stone sparkling with a million colors.
It is hard to describe THE stone, the crowning jewel of the Realn. Those who have seen it once in their lives will never forget it. A light seems to come from each vibrant color, giving it a magical, enchanting look. Even this flag made by the Realn not serve its beauty justice.
In front of the winner’s circle, set jetting out into a crystalline lake, the young Lord Nahor sat in his own private place with his newly-wedded wife. The couple were overshadowed with a great dragon statue, the dragon wings placed above them, and a large dragon head rose high into the air, as if it were a real one of the great beasts in their rock-like state of watchfulness. The Realn standard was set above the head of the dragon, able to be viewed from a mile off.
As a figure head, in front of the lord’s box was the depiction of a woman, a crown upon her head, and her hair flowing back in blond-red curls as if caught by a wind. She was the Mother of the Ward, dead for ages, but her memory lived on.
She was a great Empress once, in the Golden years of the Realn upon Wond. She was the mother of the first of the Ward family-clan, and today the ward, thousands of years later, celebrated the day of her birth.
Behind the great dragon that shielded Lord Nahor, and behind the sparkling water rose the Banorian trees. Their trunks rippled from root to leaf in the wind, as if a wave of a sea. Every bough was burdened with tender leaves and sweet flowers, streaked with a mixture of blues, oranges, and whites. The scent that hung on the air was sweet and like unto a rose and an apple blossom, wonderfully blended together. The trees wrapped around one side of the lake and behind one side of the stands, halting at the large rock that served as the foundation for shops canopied with streaks of the color palette. Behind this was a long road that led back to the city upon the horizon.
Mandin grabbed Nahim’s shoulder with a strong hand, shaking the younger man’s entire torso.
“Nahim, what’s up? You overwhelmed or something?”
Nahim whispered something to himself, so quiet the words could not be heard.
“Nahim!”
“Huh?” a quiet voice, as if in another world answered.
“What do you think? Why didn’t ya enter the speeder race? You’re good enough.”
“Nih, you never met my brother.” His monotone voice was still quiet. Mandin raised his eyebrows, interested in what he hoped Nahim would say next. Nahim deeply inhaled before saying in a little louder voice, “Banorians know how to add color.” His voice had suddenly become more light-hearted than usual.
Mandin huffed in exasperation.
“Kinda a culture thing.” Mandin ran with Nahim’s change of subject, hoping that doing so would make him more willing to talk.
“Funny how I’m a Laxorian where we don’t usually like to throw all our colors into one big thing, and you invite me to an extremely… Wardian? Festival. Not to mention the fact that the clans are divided since the death of our emperor,” they both pressed a fist to heart, “I might as well be a Wardian myself!”
“You finally figured it out!” Mandin Ward gave Nahim a playful punch on his shoulder.
“Sorry, I’m Laxorian through and through.” A slight chuckle escaped Nahim, to Mandin’s surprise. That was one of few Mandin had heard come from Nahim in the last two years.
“In all seriousness, then why don’t you ever go there?” Mandin tilted his head in curiosity.
“How do you know I never go there?” Nahim eyed Mandin almost suspiciously.
“Well, you’ve got this fear of flying, and in the last two years since we teamed up as bounty hunters, you’ve never even asked to go there. Oh, and don’t forget, you were at Father’s academy for a year and never left. So, why don’t you go there anymore?”
“That topic is not for bright colors.” Nahim crossed his arms, looking slightly down before gesturing around him. “This place is as bright as an elven New Year. Who does the colorful job?”
“A lot of the women of the surrounding area and even from across the Ward territory prepare for this holiday. Usually there is a Lady Young Budeca, one of her direct descendants that has no pollutions from aliens in her lineage. This year it happens to be Lady Aileen.” They both looked to the dragon box for Lord Nahor and his lady as the crowd around them rose and slowly dispersed for the other festivities of the day.
“C’mon! You are probably curious what other Banorian surprises await.”
They rose and walked with the crowd into the open space of the nearby stone platform.
“By the way Nahim, you do realize that it’s ‘Ward’ not ‘Wardian’ that should be used in any sentence of the sort you would put the incorrect word of ‘Wardian’ in?”
“Now I do.” Nahim rubbed the back of his neck. Mandin laughed his hearty laugh. Nahim remained steady, though his shoulders were less tense than normal.
“Nahim, I still think you should have joined the speeder races. Your speedering is excellent.”
“My brother’s speedearing was exquisite.”
“Speedearing? What kinda of a word is that?”
“The same kind as Nayhelmic.”
“Which is?”
“A correct Nayhelmic term.”
“This is what I get when I’ve gotta have a Laxorian for a friend,” Mandin laughed, he matched his friend’s speed as they entered the place where the stands were now open for business. Laughter and festivities went on around them. “So… who was your brother?”
“That topic is not for such colors.”
“It’s never for any time,” Mandin mumbled. “You can’t just hide everything forever ya know? I’ve got seven years of experience on you, and that experience told me that sometimes I needed to tear Dad away from his papers and trainees to talk about something. Or even to tear my childhood friend from her books to talk about anything.”
Nahim tilted his helmet at the mention of “her”. “You have a warrioress friend?”
Mandin caught the hint in Nahim’s voice. “Friends ONLY. Don’t you go getten’ any ideas. I don’t want some silly Nayhelm setting me up! Anyways, what I’m trying to say is, talk about your past to someone, I’m not sayin’ me.”
“You may have the seven years, but I’ve had the fire. You know I don’t have a family, no father to pull from his daily duties. No mother to pull from her daily baking. No brothers to pester. I never had any sisters.” Nahim’s voice was unusually wistful as he spoke, and it sounded like he had broken out in a smile at the word “pester”. “All I’ve got now is a good friend that I would gladly not nag on painful subjects, even if he wouldn’t for me.”
“Maybe he’s nagging because he wants to help you!” Nahim huffed and then pointed at a figurine as they passed by one of the shops.
“That dragon figurine is missing something.”
“Now you’re just changen’ subject.”
“Yep.” Nahim approached the shop with the figurine.
“Well, guess I’ll just pester–“
“Your father is over there.”
No sooner had Nahim spoke than Mandin’s father set down the dragon figurine he was studying, noticing the two of them, and called to Mandin.
“Then I guess I’ll go over there for a few minutes; don’t disappear.”
Mandin veered off to his parent, Nahim turned and went towards the tree line, kicking an imaginary stone and fisting his hands. The trees, so unique, like the tall trees of his beloved Laxor, made a rippling motion in the wind. Their bark was as smooth as a babe’s skin, it color also similar. Nahim stopped, reliving looking over the landscape around his home, the volcanoes at one end, the Laxorian forest to another, and the last side walled by the tall grasslands with its sharp blades. He half-smiled at the memories of the wonderful time when the three suns, Diala, Leahae, and Lahoom, had set all at once, their light blending together to make the most romantic and gorgeous sight Nahim had ever seen touch the grasslands of his home. His brother, Alin’s, voice sounded in his mind.
“Wouldn’t that look great from the sky? Sunlight dipping the blah grasslands in paint. Huh Nahim? Can’t you just see it?”
His mother giving a soft smile as she rested her head on his father, her hand over her swelling belly.
That was so long ago, yet the memory was sweet and clear as if straight from the time.
Nahim sighed, and as the breath left his lips, so did the memory fade away. Laxor, the fifth Realn planet was next to the planet Banor, it would be easy to ask Mandin to take him there. Nahim fisted his hands again. No.
He reached the edge of the shops just as the sunset of Diala began. Nahim’s eyes scanned the horizon through his helmet’s dark visor. To his left, blue-gray grass bowed to her Majesty the Wind as her long train swept across the plain with the magnificent king of the Day Sky, Diala, casting out his last cape of orange.
He did not pause any longer but passed under the peaceful shade of the boughs.
Nahim Nayhelm was then lost to the scene. The bits of light from the suns came down onto the ground, filtered to green, blue, orange and white. The wind rippled up the trunks, making the filtered light shift and change every second. For an instant, Nahim wished to be one of those leaves or one of those flowers. At least no one betray their families.
Nahim’s jaw muscles tightened in hate. He looked around him, at the nature, the life about him, yet inside, he was alone. And the Traitor had made it that way. Worst of all, the Sovereign of the Universe had destined it that way.
Maybe Mandin was right, after all this time caging it in, maybe he needed to let it all out. He hadn’t even told Mandin who he was searching for, because he wanted to avoid that conversation about his past. All Mandin knew was that Nahim always hid his face for some reason, and was obsessed with finding something. Something that haunted Nahim’s dreams, causing him to yell out in the night.
Nahim eased himself down onto the leaf covered, and flower speckled ground, crossing his legs to watch the shifting light.
For the first time in a long time outside the complete privacy of his room, he lifted his helmet and set it beside him in a pile of fallen flowers. His black hair with misbehaving wisps of hair, slightly dyed by the light of the suns, fell on the back of his neck. He closed his eyes and took in the fragrance of the many sweet flowers.
The burning smell of a forge.
Bits of dainties that Nahim did not recognize.
The common noises of bustling crowds, and holiday music. The lively, rhythmed claps in time with a certain tune, a traditional Realn dance.
Nahim shut them from his mind, trying to only think of where he was, in another world. A world of peace and quiet.
The wind was cool and the scent of more flowers and places far away, of a sweet purity as if after a rain, caressed his face. Little merry breezes played in his hair. His pallid face was stained by the fading rays from Diala. And Leahae would soon be falling too. Twittering birds played in the branches, with even the sound of their little wings reaching Nahim’s ears. The warmth from the suns seemed to sink into his soul, he almost wanted to sing with the birds. Little creatures with long tails, chippered in delight as they chased each other up moving tree trunks and leapt from swaying branch to swaying branch. The rustle of old leaves as another creature with little spines and a cute dainty black nose dug near the roots of a tree looking for insects. The buzz of the flying insects once and a while passed by his ear. The sounds grew more prominent in his mind, the feelingof warmth from the sun more intense, but somehow, it was just more peaceful.
Just as suddenly as a pufferfish can become a spine ball, the creatures noises stopped, except the scampering or fluttering as they went away.
“I told you not to go anywhere.” Mandin was half-laughing.
Startled, Nahim turned around suddenly, forgetting his helmet rested in the flowers beside him.
Mandin froze, a look of shock in his features.
Nahim tilted his head and looked at Mandin curiously
“What is the ––” A lock of hair touched Nahim’s face. Oh, no. “Mandin, I can explain.” Nahim’s voice was panicked, and his eyes were almost pleading. Mandin’s face had gone pale.
“What kind of trick is this?”
“No trick.” Nahim lowered his eyes to the ground. Mandin had seen them. “Please, don’t tell anyone, I will explain everything to you later.”
“Everything?”
Nahim sucked in a deep breath. Did that mean Mandin wanted to hear about the long-pried-for past that Nahim hid from his sight? Was that raised eyebrow a look of hope for what he wanted Nahim to answer? Was it an opputunity for Nahim to not bear his feelings alone? Yes, it was. He sighed; this was destined to eventually happen.
“Everything.” Pulling his hair out of his way, he put the helmet back on.
He then stood, casting a look over that peaceful spot, before turning to go with Mandin back to the stone platform. Nahim internally cursed himself for allowing Mandin to see his eyes, his eyes of red.
"You need French Toast."
I gave you my thoughts!
Also, I’m so sorry to hear of your loss and I’ll be praying for you and your family 🥰.
First off, this is a great improvement, you’ve done a great job! I did give my opinions, but again, I’m not a professional, so take my criticisms with a grain of salt, and don’t be frustrated with yourself, this is one draft of what’s likely many more to come, and no mortal human is a perfect storyteller.
“Nahim. Nahim!”
Mandin waved his large hand in front of his 19-year-old friend’s hidden face.
[I would cut the descriptors out here as you bring them up later on.]
Nahim brushed Mandin’s hand away, [without a word] [you can cut the ‘without a word’ part, since it’s already implied]. Thoughts and daydreams captured Nahim, about events years ago, about feelings, smells and tastes from back [at his][you can cut this] home. He stared blankly through his visor at the winding course from the horizon that the many speeders had taken. His eyes did not even flick toward the joyful winner of the speeder race, nor to the Ward standards that waved now with ferocity, [feathered wings around THE Stone. ] [I understand the stone has significance, but try thinking of a more natural way to include it, Nahim is thinking about Laxan right now, and his family. Why would he care about the stone at this moment?]
Shoem 18th.
The date was branded upon his mind with the almost eternal flame of memory. The year was 10,019 GA, exactly four years after the Laxan invasion. Four long years, most the time running and hiding from the clutches of Vorgan, while he tried to find the one who betrayed his people to almost extinction. Nahim alone now carried the Nayhelm name. Every single Nayhelm death during this terrible Nanian war, Nahim pinned on the unnamed traitor. [the last two sentences could be cut, and the four long years part could be trimmed too, but that’s more stylistic, as it’s a bit repetitive, but also on a second reading gets me more into Nahim’s mind, as if he’s painfully aware of how long it’s taken him to exact revenge]
[I think you could try reordering these paragraphs, consider this:
Shoem 18th.
The date was branded upon his mind with the almost eternal flame of memory. The year was 10,019 GA, exactly four years after the Laxan invasion. Four long years, most the time running and hiding from the clutches of Vorgan, while he tried to find the one who betrayed his people to almost extinction. Nahim alone now carried the Nayhelm name. Every single Nayhelm death during this terrible Nanian war, Nahim pinned on the unnamed traitor.
“Nahim. Nahim!”
Mandin waved his large hand in front of his 19-year-old friend’s hidden face.
Nahim brushed Mandin’s hand away, without a word. Thoughts and daydreams captured Nahim, about events years ago, about feelings, smells and tastes from back at his home. He stared blankly through his visor at the winding course from the horizon that the many speeders had taken. His eyes did not even flick toward the joyful winner of the speeder race, nor to the Ward standards that waved now with ferocity, feathered wings around THE Stone.] [what I did here was try to stay zoomed in at first, we see Nahim lost in his thoughts, someone trying to get his attention and failing, and then panning out to view the scene as Nahim returns to earth so to speak. What do you think?]
“Nahim, what’s up?”
Nahim [started, being pulled out of his thoughts]. He seemed to be the only silent audience sitting in the crowd of Realn, whoops and cheers erupted around them in the packed stands leaning up to the sky.[instead of this, try something like, ‘he flinched, realizing he was the only one seated as the crowd erupted around him, their cheers bouncing off the stands and shooting into the sky.’]
Down below, in a large silver circle at the end of a long, winding path from the city on the horizon, stood a triumphant hero [would hero be the right word for this? Why not try pilot, or victor?] next to her speeder. She waved her gloved hand to the crowd. A large smile blessed her face and pure joy was in her hazel eyes. [how would Nahim be able to notice her eye color and facial expression from so far away? Consider another descriptor like the color of her attire or hair color, unless Nahim’s vision is hawklike where he can see things at great distances, which if true, you could convey by having him pick up on small details he shouldn’t be able to see, and that no one else sees. Or, if there are screens showing zoomed-in shots, say her face is on the screen, and where the screen is.] Behind her also waved and smiled the four others who had placed in the race. [try cutting down to the most important parts of this, unless the winner of the race comes in later.]
The many flags of dragons and heroes thrashed in the strong winds of the planet Banor. One great standard stood out above all: the bust of a gold dragon. On his chest was a round stone sparkling with a million colors.
[It is hard to describe THE stone, the crowning jewel of the Realn. Those who have seen it once in their lives will never forget it. A light seems to come from each vibrant color, giving it a magical, enchanting look. Even this flag made by the Realn not serve its beauty justice.] [what exactly does Nahim think of the stone? This is all being translated from his POV, think about what he would notice or care about. He’s a bounty hunter who’s seen combat, what would he pick up on? Who looks dangerous? The exit points? How to kill the people around him if they turn violent? How easy it would be to switch a couple cables on the speeder to make it blow up? I don’t know if Nahim has killed before, but think about how he might view a thing, how he feels about being here, which would dictate how he behaves.]
In front of the winner’s circle, set jetting out into a crystalline lake, the young Lord Nahor sat in his own private place with his newly-wedded wife. The couple were overshadowed with a great dragon statue, [the dragon wings placed above them, and a large dragon head rose high into the air, as if it were a real one of the great beasts in their rock-like state of watchfulness] [you can exclude what’s bracketed here, as it’s too much detail]. The Realn standard was set above the head of the dragon, able to be viewed from a mile off.
As a figure head, in front of the lord’s box was the depiction of a woman, a crown upon her head, and her hair flowing back in blond-red curls as if caught by a wind. She was the Mother of the Ward, dead for ages, but her memory lived on. [good job trimming this down! Much more consice and easier for a reader to remember!]
She was a great Empress once, in the Golden years of the Realn upon Wond. She was the mother of the first of the Ward family-clan, and today the ward, thousands of years later, celebrated the day of her birth.
Behind the great dragon that shielded Lord Nahor, and behind the sparkling water rose the Banorian trees. Their trunks rippled from root to leaf in the wind, as if a wave of a sea. Every bough was burdened with tender leaves and sweet flowers, streaked with a mixture of blues, oranges, and whites. The scent that hung on the air was sweet and like unto a rose and an apple blossom, wonderfully blended together. The trees wrapped around one side of the lake and behind one side of the stands, halting at the large rock that served as the foundation for shops canopied with streaks of the color palette. Behind this was a long road that led back to the city upon the horizon.
[this description part reads much better, but I think you could benefit from trimming down to only the most important details, or include Nahim’s own thoughts in here.]
Mandin grabbed Nahim’s shoulder with a strong hand, shaking [the younger man’s][try ‘his’ instead perhaps?] entire torso.
“Nahim, what’s up? You overwhelmed or something?” [you could try something like: ‘What’s up?’ you don’t need to have a character say a lot to say what they mean dependind on the personality (think of how Han Solo talks versus Luke, one very sarcastic, and the other to the point. But this isn’t bad, I’m just wondering if Mandin would use so many words to say something simple?
[Nahim whispered something to himself, so quiet the words could not be heard.]
“Nahim!”] [this is ok, but a bit confusing, the next line does the same function, conveying Nahim as spaced out.]
“Huh?” a quiet voice, as if in another world answered. [maybe try: ‘”Huh?” he muttered, his artificial voice just audible.’ or something like that. Saying ‘a voice’ or ‘a hand’ when referring to a character’s actions can make them seem disembodied unless it’s intended to make it look mysterious. Does that make sense?]
“What do you think? Why didn’t ya enter the speeder race? You’re good enough.” [maybe try: “what do you think? Ya wanna take that trophy next year?”]
“Nih, [is Nih a word for no?] you never met my brother.” His monotone voice was still quiet. Mandin raised his eyebrows, [interested in what he hoped Nahim would say next] [try: ‘leaning in so as not to miss a word.’ or something along those lines. You can tell a lot with using body language and interractions with the setting here]. Nahim [deeply inhaled] [sighed] before saying in a [little][you can cut this, or say slightly, as it might read a little better being right next to another L word] louder voice, “Banorians know how to add color.” [His voice had suddenly become more light-hearted than usual.] [Try showing us his voice sounds lighter, does it’s pitch raise a little? Is his sad voice quiet but increase in volume when happier? Think of how Nahim’s voice is going to change depending on his emotion, even try adding details to denote his artificial voicebox early on, or does the change in tone even need to be noted unless he’s reverting to his usual tone, and his tone before wasn’t common.]
[Mandin huffed in exasperation. ] [I think you could combine this with the second paragraph]
“Kinda a culture thing.” Mandin ran with Nahim’s change of subject, hoping that doing so would make him more willing to talk. [this is in Mandin’s POV, it’s not bad, but it’s Mandin’s thoughts when we’re supposed to be in Nahim’s, correct? And instead of ‘kinda a culture thing’, maybe try, “I suppose.” or something like that? It depends on how Mandin talks and behaves.]
“Funny how I’m a Laxorian where we don’t usually like to throw all our colors into one big thing, and you invite me to an extremely… Wardian? Festival. Not to mention the fact that the clans are divided since the death of our emperor,” [this is a good bit of background info, but it reads like you’re trying to tell us what’s going on through Nahim’s mouth, not what Nahim would say. Maybe try; “I must be the only Laxorian invited to a… Wardian?… festival since the death of the emperor.”] they both pressed a fist to heart, “I might as well be a Wardian myself!” [I don’t really understand the cultural thing they’re doing here, would a comment like ‘God rest his soul’ work better?]
“You finally figured it out!” [[Mandin Ward] [Maybe include Mandin’s full name where it’s most significant, or as the first mentioning of his name] gave Nahim a playful punch on his shoulder.] [you could put this in front of what Mandin says, it might feel a little more natural.]
“Sorry, I’m Laxorian through and through.” A slight chuckle escaped Nahim, [to Mandin’s surprise. That was one of few Mandin had heard come from Nahim in the last two years.][this bracketed part isn’t entirely necessary, as we can extrapolate that Nahim is rather serious.]
“[In all seriousness,][would Mandin start with little intros like this for his words? I take that he’s likely somewhat high-ranking, is this in his character?] then why don’t you ever go there?” Mandin tilted his head in curiosity.
“How do you know I never go there?” Nahim [eyed Mandin almost suspiciously.][try: ‘Nahim looked away, hiding his face even more than it already was.’ if shame and guardedness is the emotion you want to go for]
“Well, you’ve got this fear of flying, and in the last two years since we teamed up as bounty hunters, you’ve never even asked to go there. Oh, and don’t forget, you were at Father’s academy for a year and never left. So, why don’t you go there anymore?” [why would Nahim have a fear of flying? Dosen’t he have to travel a lot for his job? Would they say their carers in public? I figure Bounty Hunter isn’t a sought-after career, and it’d be better to keep it secret] [this also reads a bit like info-dumping on the readers, you could try: ‘Well, you’re fear of flying mainly, and I get that, but you don’t even ask to go there, and never leave, so why?’ this is far from perfect, but you get my drift lol]
“That topic is not for bright colors.” Nahim crossed his arms, [looking slightly down before gesturing around him.][pacing wise, this speeds up a little too quickly, you can say that he crossed his arm, then jerked his head at a particularly colorful stand, “This place is as bright as an elven New Year. Who does the colorful job?”
“A lot of the women of the surrounding area and even from across the Ward territory prepare for this holiday. Usually there is a Lady Young Budeca, one of her direct descendants [that has no pollutions from aliens in her lineage][try; ‘of pure blood’]. This year it happens to be Lady Aileen.” They both looked to the dragon box for Lord Nahor and his lady as the crowd around them rose and slowly dispersed for the other festivities of the day. [this is a little whiplash-y, I understand that Mandin is willing to accept Nahim’s deflections to other topics, but wouldn’t he still be focused on this? Does he explain as simply as possible, then Nahim says in a surly voice that he doesn’t want to talk about it?]
“C’mon! You are probably curious what other Banorian surprises await.”
They rose and walked with the crowd into the open space of the nearby stone platform.
“By the way Nahim, you do realize that it’s ‘Ward’ not ‘Wardian’ [that should be used in any sentence of the sort you would put the incorrect word of ‘Wardian’ in]?”[what I bracketed you can cut]
“Now I do.” Nahim rubbed the back of his neck. Mandin laughed [his hearty laugh][try; ‘heartily, patting Nahim’s shoulder so hard his teeth clacked together.’]. [Nahim remained steady, though his shoulders were less tense than normal.][this part isn’t particularly necessary, but I understand what you’re trying to convey. Do consider trimming it however.]
“[Nahim,][you don’t need to start this with Mandin addressing Nahim as we already know he’s talking to him.] I still think you should have joined the speeder races. Your speedering is excellent.”
“My brother’s speedearing was exquisite.”
“Speedearing? What kinda [of a][this can be cut, kinda and kind of a mean the same thing] word is that?”
“The same kind as Nayhelmic.”
“Which is?”
“A correct Nayhelmic term.”
“This is what I get when I’ve gotta have a Laxorian for a friend,” Mandin laughed, he matched his friend’s speed as they entered the place where the stands were now open for business. [Laughter and festivities went on around them.][you can replace with a direct interraction, perhaps they weave through the crowded street, the scent of delicacies unknown to Nahim filling the air as they stop and watch a street performer] “So… who was your brother?”
“That topic is not for such colors.”
“It’s never for any time,” Mandin mumbled. “You can’t just hide everything forever ya know? I’ve got seven years of experience on you, and that experience told me (that sometimes I needed to tear Dad away from his papers and trainees to talk about something. Or even to tear my [childhood friend][try having Mandin refer to her with her name, or just simply as freind, it feels a little impersonal as-is] from her books to talk about anything).” [and instead of saying what is in parentheses say, “that you can’t just keep everything locked away forever, it’ll hurt more than it’ll help.”]
Nahim tilted his helmet at the mention of “her”. “You have a warrioress friend?”
Mandin caught the hint in Nahim’s voice. “Friends ONLY. Don’t you go getten’ any ideas. I don’t want [some silly Nayhelm][try saying ‘you’ instead perhaps?] setting me up! Anyways, what I’m trying to say is, talk about your past to someone, I’m not sayin’ me.”
“You may have the seven years, but I’ve had the fire. You know I don’t have a family, no father to pull from his daily duties. No mother to pull from her daily baking. No brothers to pester. I never had any sisters.” Nahim’s voice was unusually wistful as he spoke, [and it sounded like he had broken out in a smile at the word “pester”][you can cut his mention of having no sisters, and what I bracketed]. “All I’ve got now is a good friend that I would gladly not nag on painful subjects, even if he wouldn’t for me.”
“Maybe he’s nagging because he wants to help you!” [would Mandin speak in third person? I’m pretty sure this was my suggestion, but I don’t remember] Nahim huffed and then pointed at a figurine as they passed by one of the shops. [this sentence can be put in the next paragraph.]
“That dragon figurine is missing something.”
“Now you’re just changen’ subject.”
“Yep.” Nahim approached the shop with the figurine.
“Well, guess I’ll just pester–“
“Your father is over there.” [I would add that Nahim picks up the figurine to examine it]
No sooner had Nahim spoke than Mandin’s father set down the dragon figurine he was studying, noticing the two of them, and called to Mandin. [maybe you could have Mandin’s father be doing something else since Nahim is already looking at a figurine?]
“Then I guess I’ll go over there for a few minutes; don’t disappear.” [this is a good opportunity to have Mandin’s body language hint at how he feels about this, does he sigh irritably? Do his shoulders tense? How would he respond? How does he walk?]
Mandin veered off to his parent, Nahim turned and went towards the tree line, kicking an imaginary stone and fisting his hands. The trees, so unique, like the [tall trees of][try ‘on’ instead] his beloved Laxor, made a rippling motion in the wind. Their bark was as smooth as a babe’s skin, it color also similar. Nahim stopped, reliving looking over the landscape around his home, the volcanoes at one end, the Laxorian forest to another, and the last side walled by the tall grasslands with its sharp blades. He half-smiled at the memories of the wonderful time when the three suns, Diala, Leahae, and Lahoom, had set all at once, their light blending together to [make the most romantic and gorgeous sight Nahim had ever seen touch the grasslands of his home][try giving a vivid description instead, do the grasslands turn into a field of smokeless fire? The trees into gilded bronze? Think of how you can describe it like you do later on with the forest creatures, don’t just say it was pretty, show us! Your prose truly shines through with that!]. His brother, Alin’s, voice sounded in his mind.
“Wouldn’t that look great from the sky? Sunlight dipping the blah grasslands in paint. Huh Nahim? Can’t you just see it?”
[I would try saying, “I bet that looks really good from the sky, huh Nahim?” try saying some of your dialogue/prose out loud, it can help make it sound more natural]
His mother giving [‘gave’ would work better, you’re switching tenses a bit here] a soft smile as she rested her head on his father, her hand over her swelling belly.
[That was so long ago, yet the memory was sweet and clear as if straight from the time.] [I would cut this, since the next paragraph works far better as a transition, and this sentence is extremely tell-heavy when showing is more appropriate as the next paragraph does.]
Nahim sighed, and as the breath left his lips, so did the memory fade away. Laxor, the fifth Realn planet was next to the planet Banor, it would be easy to ask Mandin to take him there. Nahim fisted his hands again. [No.][you could cut this, and try: ‘he turned away, finding a route away from all the people.’]
He reached the edge of the shops just as the sunset of Diala began. Nahim’s eyes scanned the horizon through his helmet’s dark visor. To his left, blue-gray grass bowed to her Majesty the Wind as her long train swept across the plain with the magnificent king of the Day Sky, Diala, casting out his last cape of orange. [Probably trim down your symbolism here a bit, it’s a bit confusing to read, try saying, ‘the blue-gray plain rippled under the wind as it was bathed in the orange light of evening’ or something like that]
He did not pause any longer but passed under the peaceful shade of the boughs.
Nahim Nayhelm was then lost to the scene. The bits of light from the suns came down onto the ground, filtered to green, blue, orange and white. The wind rippled up the trunks, making the filtered light shift and change every second. For an instant, Nahim wished to be one of those leaves or one of those flowers. [At least no one betray their families.] [this line makes little sense, I think you forgot to add a word?]
Nahim’s jaw [muscles][you can cut this] tightened [in hate][and this]. He looked around him, at the nature, the life about him, yet inside, he was alone. And the Traitor had made it that way. Worst of all, the Sovereign of the Universe had destined it that way. [add something about the emotions brewing inside him, and how much it hurts perhaps?]
Maybe Mandin was right, after all this time caging it in, maybe he needed to let it all out. He hadn’t even told Mandin who he was searching for, because he wanted to avoid that conversation about his past. All Mandin knew was that Nahim always hid his face for some reason, and was obsessed with finding something. Something that haunted Nahim’s dreams, causing him to yell out in the night.
Nahim eased himself down onto the leaf covered, and flower speckled ground [try ‘leaf and flower speckled ground’], crossing his legs to watch the shifting light.
For the first time in a long time outside the complete privacy of his room, he lifted his helmet and set it beside him in a pile of fallen flowers. His [black hair with misbehaving wisps of hair][try: his dark, wily hair, or cut the ‘of hair’ at the end of the sentence], [slightly dyed by][try, ‘caught’ perhaps?] the light of the suns, fell on the back of his neck. He closed his eyes and took in the fragrance of the many sweet flowers.
The burning smell of a forge.
Bits of dainties that Nahim did not recognize.
The common noises of bustling crowds, and holiday music. The lively, rhythmed claps in time with a certain tune, a traditional Realn dance. [try adding something that comments on how they annoyingly drwon out the nature around him?]
Nahim shut them from his mind, trying to only think of where he was, in another world. A world of peace and quiet.
The wind was cool and the scent of more flowers and places far away, of a sweet purity as if after a rain, caressed his face. Little merry breezes played in his hair. His pallid face was stained by the fading rays from Diala. And Leahae would soon be falling too. Twittering birds played in the branches, with even the sound of their little wings reaching Nahim’s ears. The warmth from the suns seemed to sink into his soul, he almost wanted to sing with the birds. Little creatures with long tails, chippered in delight as they chased each other up moving tree trunks and leapt from swaying branch to swaying branch. The rustle of old leaves as another creature with little spines and a cute dainty black nose dug near the roots of a tree looking for insects. The buzz of the flying insects once and a while passed by his ear. The sounds grew more prominent in his mind, the feelingof warmth from the sun more intense, but somehow, it was just more peaceful.
Just as suddenly as a pufferfish can become a spine ball, the creatures noises stopped, except the scampering or fluttering as they went away. [try swapping the pufferfish similie with something more relevant to Nahim]
“I told you not to go anywhere.” Mandin was half-laughing.
Startled, Nahim turned around [suddenly, forgetting his helmet rested in the flowers beside him.][this can be trimmed]
Mandin froze, a look of shock in his features.
Nahim tilted his head and looked at Mandin curiously[would put this in the same paragraph as the next one]
“What is the ––” A lock of hair touched Nahim’s face. Oh, no. “Mandin, I can explain.” Nahim’s voice was panicked, and his eyes were almost pleading [try having Nahim stutter on the I when he says he can explain]. Mandin’s face had gone pale.
“What kind of trick is this?”
“No trick.” Nahim lowered his eyes to the ground. Mandin had seen them. “Please, don’t tell anyone, I will explain everything to you later.”
“Everything?”
Nahim sucked in a deep breath. Did that mean Mandin wanted to hear about the long-pried-for past that Nahim hid from his sight? Was that raised eyebrow a look of hope for what he wanted Nahim to answer? Was it an opputunity for Nahim to not bear his feelings alone? [Yes, it was.][you could cut this] He sighed; this was destined to eventually happen. [Try showing Nahim’s anxiety here]
“Everything.” Pulling his hair out of his way, he put the helmet back on.
He then stood, casting a look over that peaceful spot, before turning to go with Mandin back to the stone platform. Nahim internally cursed himself for allowing Mandin to see [his eyes, his eyes of red.] [Try saying ‘his red eyes’]
Overall, this chapter is much better! I liked the imagery of the nature in the second half, and the squabble in the middle feels more natural.
One thing I’m wondering about is how this chapter is going to advance the plot. What it seems to be doing at the moment is establishing how Nahim feels about his past, his relationship with Mandin, and establishing the new setting and information on the world. These are important details to include, but it seems to have minimal tie-in with your overall plot, and depending on the emotional arcs you want these characters to go on, having Nahim be forced to open up to Mandin so soon won’t have as big of an impact over it taking longer to draw out of him. A scene where Nahim properly opens up could have greater impact later on. You’re still in the beginning of the story, let the reader have some questions you can answer later, that will make them far more interested.
Also, if Nahim is a bounty-hunter, you could try and add a detail of that into this chapter, is he looking for a mark on his own since it could relate to the Traitor and he dosen’t want Mandin involved? Is that mark going to be arriving on the planet tomorrow and is the only reason Nahim agreed to go to the festival? Would Mandin have a vital clue that requires Nahim opening up to him to reveal?
You have an interesting world, and I can see how much care and effort you’re putting into this through your descriptions, but I recommend keeping the details around the scenery in the beginning to a minimun, sticking to what Nahim would notice.
As an example, maybe Nahim, while his thoughts are elsewhere, still notices things like how tight Nahor’s security is, and if he’d have to capture Nahor, how hard it would be and what he would do, or if he is on the job, he is scanning the area for his mark. How would Nahim think and what would he notice? If he has killed before or has to kill, does he make a plan to kill everyone he comes across (people who have killed in self-defense before sometimes experience this)
At some points I noticed Nahim and Mandin talking a little more femininely, wherin they have rather sharp subgect changes (outside of Nahim’s deflections), like Mandin’s sudden focus back on Nahim entering the competition. Guys tend to focus on one topic at a time, think of it like a tool box where everything has it’s place, even nothing has a place (yes, guys can literally think about nothing!) whereas we girls jump from topic to topic rather easily, almost like really complex never-ending highways filled with cars that never run out of gas… if that makes sense. So it might be better to keep certain topics confined to certain moments, like Mandin does all his talking about the speeder race at the beginning of the conversation, and then moves onto prying/answering Nahim’s questions.
On that note, I would consider having Mandin’s fact responses (explaining cultural things) be as brief as possible, since he’s focused on getting the truth out of Nahim.
Also, with Mandin’s reaction to Nahim’s red eyes, it seems to foreshadow something more significant than being a simple genetic mutation. Mandin could still be surprised, but him being scared makes it seem like it has more significance than it truly has.
Another random thing I noticed; why does Nahim hide his face? Does he need to hide it? I get it as a symbol for him being closed off, and to hide his red eyes. But if it’s to hide his eyes, and it’s just a mutation, some sunglasses or contacts would do the trick, correct? Why would he need to wear a whole helmet that could impede his vision?
Again, I can’t overstate that you’re doing a great job! You have an interesting premise, and this is a huge improvement! Keep practicing your prose, as it’s quite good as you continue to polish it, and remember, we’re all learning, and even if your story has imperfections, it’s ok, since perfection is impossible this side of eternity, and often, the worst critic of any creative is themselves. Keep writing, don’t be afraid to take breaks (burnout is real, and it is not fun) and remember it dosen’t have to be perfect 🙂 !
We crazy people are the normal ones.
Hey Rae! I forgot to tell you, but I have read all your chapters. Not necessarily the worldbuilding sections on the side, just because I didn’t have the time 😅 If you need to ask me any questions about my reactions as a reader, I’m game. Like if you want my emotional opinion on a section, or whatever.
“Everything is a mountain”
Man, I almost forgot I even made this thread… Also, I went back and edited to a point all of what I had written so far, so some sections are outdated now. This is the link to my Google Docs that’s been updated.
DO NOT feel obligated to read the newer version, especially since it’ll be outdated again by the time I go through to edit punctuation, spelling, worldbuilding, and consistency errors in like a few months (4-6). I’m just giving you the link in case you have extra time to waste reading my confusing stuff.
Anyways…
I do have questions.
- What are your thoughts on Nahim’s personality?
- What are your thoughts on Mandin?
- Is there one or the other that you like better?
- Would you continue reading this with interest, or would you be like “Yeah, it’s okay”? Be honest.
- Any suggestions on making it stronger in any way shape or form? In other words, was there anything that stuck out at you where you knew exactly how to make it better?
"You need French Toast."
Hey Rae, I read the first two chapters! 😛 I don’t think they’re a waste at all. I just put together a little overview of my initial reactions.
Thoughts on Nahim’s personality:
The strongest Nahim trait here is depression. Solid, unwavering depression. XD He thinks about his family constantly, and not much else. Personality-wise, he strikes me as that character archetype who has lost so much, he no longer has hope or investment in anything. I have to question his attitude in the story’s present day. Is he actually still at his lowest? Emotionally, yes, but this seems like his own personal choice. There are other things for him to focus on other than the tragedy. He has a best friend, people who want to help him, and a fresh new life in this alternate culture. Mandin points this out.
If you want melancholy to be Nahim’s flaw, that is a great decision and I support it. Don’t be discouraged, because I still believe he is a morally fine person who opposes evil – and so I accept him as a hero. He’s just aloof personality-wise, if that makes sense.
Mandin:
He’s a good dude. *Thumbs up* My impression of him so far is a young, talkative individual, who is always optimistic and social. I would love to see where his loyalties lie (other than with Nahim) and maybe a situation where Nahim supports his values.
Who do I like better?
Mandin.
Would I continue reading this:
I think it depends. If I had a bunch of familiar physical books and this was one of them, I would not turn it down. In fact I would read it before the others, since it’s new and in the Epic Fantasy\Sci-Fi genre which I’m very curious about. If I had access to a bunch of new online books, I would aim for something with a premise that fits my personal niche.
I’m also picky when it comes to protagonists… Nahim is not bad; he has his audience, he’s just not my taste. Although he’s similar to Kaladin Stormblessed, who I love… *Thinks super hard* There’s gotta be a reason why. If I can think of it I will tell you.
Any suggestions?
All my suggestions/prompts are below!
Chapter 1
No real complaints with this chapter! Solid description of what is happening.
There’s a sense of goodness as Nahim protects the child, which I think was missing from your former drafts. I appreciate that.
I especially like the active volcanoes in the background, although I have to wonder if their eruption was a surprise or could have been predicted by those who live there.
A neutral note: Maybe this is covered by your worldbuilding later on, but as a reader, I have to wonder how many Nayhelms existed and how none of them were able to survive at the point where we join Nahim. If there were many Nayhelms to protect their home, and if they were first and foremost protecting the refugees, sensibly speaking they may have put their youngest children in the refugee ranks… Out of thankfulness, I sure the refugees would try to hide even a Nayhelm baby with success. Unless the Nayhelms look too different, or the refugees got destroyed too. It’s unclear.
None of these are complaints; they’re just open-ended curiosities that I noticed while reading 🙂 You don’t need to answer these questions in Nahim’s POV, especially in the thick of battle, but for your own logic’s sake I wanted to mention them.
Chapter 2
The first critique that I have, is when we jump suddenly into Mandin’s POV. While it makes him seem trustworthy, I’m not entirely sold on how quickly we get his thoughts in a Nahim-centric chapter. I would give him his own POV chapter or something.
And then Mandin acts surprised when Nahim shows him the headline. This feels way too contradictory, because before I got the sense that Mandin knew about Nahim’s family. Additionally Nahim mentions that it’s been four years, so shouldn’t this headline come out before this date? Basically I think the timeline of events/knowledge is wonky and needs cleaning up.
Nahim goes on a little monologue… “That’s a story for never. Let it be known…” It’s detailed, poetic, and very unlike what a normal person would say. [Note: this could just be a personal habit of yours, Rae XD I’ve noticed similar monologues in RP for example, or in other story sections you’ve shared.] Mandin has established that Nahim doesn’t talk much, so there’s a contradiction as well. This can be easily remedied by cutting some of the descriptive words and making Mandin surprised.
…
“That’s a story for never. Let them think the last Nayhelm is buried. The greatest tree will blossom alone – the Leavars will cry – but at least our clan will be at peace. If I have to be dead to everyone, let it be so. I prefer it.”
Mandin’s grip on the cockpit sit loosened in mild surprise. But he said nothing at first – perhaps because he didn’t want Nahim’s sociability to end so quickly.
– One way you can adjust it
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Additionally Mandin mentions Nahim could be hiding another secret. I doubt he ignores the one-way visor… he should suspect it at least a little! And with a king searching for a red-eyed man – if this was common news, I would be super suspicious.
– Speeder/festival section –
The number one question I had while reading this scene was: how does the whole Realn/Laxorian/Wardian thing work? Are Laxorians and Wardians subcatagories of Realn, on different planets? Nahim is Laxorian according to Mandin, but I thought he was a Nayhelm. Were the Nayhelms a family clan falling under the category of Laxorian? *Much confusion here*
Again, there is another super long monologue, this time Mandin’s. It gives me vibes that he is both talkative and young, and cares for Nahim. Kudos to you, he’s perfectly trustworthy 🙂 But it is a HUGE wall of text. And like he said, there’s repetition. Slim it down, and put action breaks here and there? It can be a crescendo, where Nahim continuously focuses on other things, but eventually Mandin repeats it enough to get a reaction.
Overall, this chapter has a few awkward parts, but the descriptions of the planet are quite beautiful and really set the tone. If you added more description of festival activities, I would still be interested. In fact I agree with Mandin, it would be cool to see a speeder race from Nahim’s POV XD You don’t have to put him in one, but that’s the extent to which I would be interested.
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I will continue eventually. Thank you for being so brave and sharing all of this! Always remember that this is the drafting stage, and I’m sure you would have a similar post a critiques for me if I wanted advice 😉“Everything is a mountain”
I was shaking with excitement when I saw your reply.
Just one note, I actually made Mandin purposefully a really likeable character because I knew not everyone would like Nahim. Your reply has told me I actually mostly achieved this effect.
The strongest Nahim trait here is depression. Solid, unwavering depression. XD He thinks about his family constantly, and not much else. Personality-wise, he strikes me as that character archetype who has lost so much, he no longer has hope or investment in anything.
I have not failed as a writer! At least not here. This is exactly how Nahim is supposed to be, along with what you mentioned about him protecting the child in chapter 1. He had a sense of Duty and Honor in his Nayhelm name that keeps him from completely giving up. Along with a sense of Revenge, which I believe you may see grow later on.
especially like the active volcanoes in the background, although I have to wonder if their eruption was a surprise or could have been predicted by those who live there.
The Laxan Twins can erupt at any moment, and usually it is able to be predicted days before, sometimes weeks, but in this case, they were forced out of their ~15 years of dormancy by the Nanians. Basically, the Nanians used some techniques to cause earthquakes and eruptions.
A neutral note: Maybe this is covered by your worldbuilding later on, but as a reader, I have to wonder how many Nayhelms existed and how none of them were able to survive at the point where we join Nahim. If there were many Nayhelms to protect their home, and if they were first and foremost protecting the refugees, sensibly speaking they may have put their youngest children in the refugee ranks… Out of thankfulness, I sure the refugees would try to hide even a Nayhelm baby with success. Unless the Nayhelms look too different, or the refugees got destroyed too. It’s unclear.
None but Nanians and Nahim survived. Nayhelm were what is called a family-clan. Family-clans are basically clans of one family in the Realn nation. Mandin is part of the family-clan Ward, one of the larger and more ancient ones. The Nayhelm were also ancient, appearing around a hundred years after the Ward did. At least, that’s when Nayhelm appeared, the father of the family-clan. It takes at least 1000 people for your family to become a family-clan, and the Nayhelm were barely over that number. For instance, after the Invasion of Laxan, they were technically just a family now. But what the Nayhelm lacked in numbers, they made up for in stubbornness and skill. You’ll see many Nayhelmic traits pulled out in Nahim. They dash into fights alongside other family-clans and are always first to enemy lines. The Nayhelm wrote their name in fame for their ferociousness and loyalty in battle. Their kinda like Germans…more stubborn than a stallion and will fight until they die. This was their downfall. Even children as young as six would fight alongside parents if given the chance.
Also technically speaking, the Nayhelm are not entirely gone besides Nahim as far as bloodline. There still are Nayhelm woman who married into other clans, but they are considered now part of that clan, and are not thought as Nayhelm. On another note, Nahim’s old training master, Master Dare, is also not dead. But Nahim doesn’t know this and won’t for many years. Long story short, Dare had to abandon his Nayhelmic duty to fight with his people until he died in order to keep his higher oath as Guardian of the Labyrinth.
And then Mandin acts surprised when Nahim shows him the headline. This feels way too contradictory, because before I got the sense that Mandin knew about Nahim’s family. Additionally Nahim mentions that it’s been four years, so shouldn’t this headline come out before this date? Basically I think the timeline of events/knowledge is wonky and needs cleaning up.
It does need cleaning up, but maybe not you expect. Manson was talking about Nahim’s close family (father, mother, siblings) which he knew were dead. If I said family-clan before the headline, I missed my mistake. It’s been four years since the Invasion of Laxor, but that doesn’t mean it’s been four years since the death of the Nayhelm. They were scattered abroad a lot.
Nahim goes on a little monologue… “That’s a story for never. Let it be known…” It’s detailed, poetic, and very unlike what a normal person would say. [Note: this could just be a personal habit of yours, Rae XD I’ve noticed similar monologues in RP for example, or in other story sections you’ve shared.]
Oh, the monologue….yeah, that’s a very Nayhelmic thing, sorta a Realn thing, and sometimes a Ruth thing. And the reason it’s very unlike what a normal person would say is because…it’s a Nayhelmic thing. They say akent instead of accent and jetback instead of jetpack… Such things are as much Nayhelmic as the English accent is to England. And my head likes that kinda thing too so… Nayhelmic is my excuse.
Also about the one-way visor, I will clear this up, but it’s actually common for a Realn to have a one-way visor. It hides fear or anything other emotions in the face. Mandin himself has a one-way visor, actually.
The number one question I had while reading this scene was: how does the whole Realn/Laxorian/Wardian thing work? Are Laxorians and Wardians subcatagories of Realn, on different planets? Nahim is Laxorian according to Mandin, but I thought he was a Nayhelm. Were the Nayhelms a family clan falling under the category of Laxorian? *Much confusion here*
It’s time to fix confusion with…probably more confusion.
Laxorians are from the planet Laxor in the tri-solar system of the Realn.
Banorians are from the planet Banor in the tri-solar system if the Realn.
Wardians are Ward who are Banorians who are all Realn like Laxorians.
Nayhelm are Laxorians who are Realn like Banorians.
If you hear family-clan or Lone One, Alickian, Rea, Mithlorling, or Lortins, they are all Realn.
Still confused? I don’t blame you. Literally every one of my friends except one is.
Umm…I think that’s it. The rest of your suggestions are duly noted with many thanks, and changes regarded all you have said will be made in one form or another on my Word Doc.
"You need French Toast."
All your replies are noted ;P
I saw somewhere that you have trouble with paragraph breaks. I love sequencing sentences, especially dialogue sentences, so I’ll give you some suggestions here in just a sec.
“Everything is a mountain”
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