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also, unless you have a problem with sharing what later happens in your story, I don’t mind hearing spoilers to understand the grander scope of your story if you need help with it. 🙂
We crazy people are the normal ones.
This is a great Villain! he’s got a solid personality, values, and reasons why he does what he does. I think I know who Alpha is though😉😉! My one caution is not to let him off too easy for what he did, even if it was out of revenge, and why did his race get killed off in the first place? did they have a bad reputation?
Thank you, I tried.
Grathmere is hunted still by the Fettians and the Realn (who merge with the Fettians after Returns ) and faces public execution if caught. Alpha has knowledge where he is, but he is silent about it, and so does his half sister Leahae.
The Realn killed them because they were deemed a threat at first. The Realn weren’t always what they are in Guardian Angels, they were still a rather young nation, and at the time only really owned the Realn Isles. Many nations looked down on them, so for a period of time, the Realn showed their dominance by killing threats. But those who the Realn did not kill on Elqueth (the island Grathmere’s from) caught a disease that the Realn unintentionally carried there, one that kills Grathmere’s kind. Grathmere himself caught it, but he found the only cure, a small flower that grew only on Elqueth.
Silvanis: But I look like a peacock!
Rosella: Whatever a peacock is, it must be very fashionable.Oh, one thing about Grathmere, he had rarely failed to break someone, to make them feel hopeless. Even Alpha, who has more power than most to withstand him, has felt moments of doom. It most likely is this that he used to get a traitor to his side. I say most likely, because I’ve not fleshed out the traitor’s entire life yet.
At this moment, I don’t think it’s imperative to share the traitor’s name. All I shall say is he is deemed beyond suspicion, and used to know Nahim, so it turns into a pretty emotional betrayal.
Silvanis: But I look like a peacock!
Rosella: Whatever a peacock is, it must be very fashionable.Wyoh! Can’t I edit things without you deleting them!?
@scoutfinch180 @jonas @grcr @whalekeeper @anyone-interestedChapter 2 part 2
Evening came, leaving the Banorian landscape lit by flickering torches under a deep blue sky. The trees still rippled in the wind, but they were now just dark shadows.
Nahim walked away from where he had left Mandin, the Ward in the annual meeting at the close of this festive day. He was invited by Mandin, but Nahim knew by the look in Master Milcah’s eyes that this was a Ward meeting only. Instead, Nahim declined and walked under the blanket of Banorian stars.
Why did I promise to tell Mandin everything?
Nahim kicked a stone, watching it clatter and cast shadows by the light of the torches. He’d had flashbacks to Laxan before, where he could smell again his mother’s cooking, or the smoke as lava ate away at dead bodies. Hear the laughter of his siblings, or hear the screams of the refugees. See the blue eyes of his mother, or the six dark ones of Vorgan. He’d been back in those memories as if he were reliving them.
He’d had dreams, many started out nice, but then always ended with Vorgan, and with a mysterious black figure cloaked in fog, light reflecting off his eyes and nothing else. The Traitor. The Wenbor. He’d always wake up in a sweat, sometimes screaming, with Mandin leaning over him.
Now, after four years of hiding that day that shook his life, he was going to tell it? Let it slip out? It didn’t seem quite right. How would he even start?
Pushing away his thoughts Nahim sat on a platform for one of the bands, the instruments still lying there. He reached over, grabbing a violin. He plucked its strings with his fingers, felt the bowstrings, and ran his fingers over the instruments smooth wood.. He rested it on his shoulder, and played a sad note, the bow slowly screeching over the strings. He played another note, the lamenting song slow and almost painful. He closed his eyes, letting the song sink into his heart, like a water into a bowl.
He lost himself in the music, swaying slowly side to side as he played, and humming a low song with it, the words unable to be picked out.
He never noticed the approach of his audience, for Mandin was quiet. Wiping his blond hair away from his eyes, and crossing his arms, Mandin watched the younger Realn. The only words he caught were bits,
“Thou min lanan Laxan…florain ata sayka…lanan Laxan hon na towerae ra cuble an na eotle min nater vara ain hais…Thou min lanan Laxan…florain.”
Stopping the song, and placing the violin down, Nahim started.
“You play beautifully, and sing well.” Mandin smiled. Nahim shifted uncomfortably.
“I thought you had to be in that meeting.”
“Ugh, just formalities and tradition!” Mandin waved a hand dismissively in the air. “I heard ya out here, and decided to join you.” Silence fell between the two men. Mandin came and sat beside Nahim, waiting for him to speak. He looked absently at the stars above. I should just tell him and get it over with, Nahim thought, gripping his leg.
“I,” He let out a deep breath. “I survived the Laxan invasion.” Mandin quickly turned his head, his brown eyes wide and staring into the visor of Nahim’s helmet.
“Do tell.”
“My family, died, one by one.” Nahim looked at the ground, fiddling with his fingers. “I was fifteen, and watched my younger brother, my older brother, my father… I watched them die.” Nahim shivered. He blamed himself for his younger brother’s death. He was supposed to protect Larin, to usher him from the city. He was helpless to save him.
“Knihan had battled Vorgan, protecting the Nayhelm land as he vowed, ’’Till breath has departed or my Lord has no need of me.’ He was stabbed by Vorgan’s brother from behind, and his death was a painful one. My father met almost the same fate as Knihan, killed in a crooked fight. What stabs me deepest was I never heard my mother’s last words, and never learned her fate. All I saw was the dead body.”
A long length of time spanned as Nahim remembered his family, their fates, his father’s last words leaving his dying lips.
“In anger, in revenge, in hate, I killed Vorgan’s brother, the same way he killed my own brother. In anger, I called a duel to Vorgan. He accepted, mocking how young I was and how easy it would be to chop my uncovered and unprotected head. The duel lasted a couple minutes I think, but it felt like it spanned for hours. It didn’t end with winner or loser, for a large earthquake like those that shook the city all day, threw both of us off our feet. A deep chasm opened beside where we were fighting; an endless abyss. I gained my feet first, bringing my sword down on Vorgan’s three left arms. He thrust up at me, one of his swords piercing the Mithweve over my throat. By some miracle, it didn’t kill me, only pierced my voicebox, but while trying vainly to avoid his thrust, I fell down the chasm.” Nahim paused. Mandin lay a hand on his shoulder. Nahim took in a deep breath. “I don’t know what happened, one minute I was falling, the next I was floating on nothing but air. I found myself suddenly on the edges of the city, away from any danger. After that, I just wandered around as a Trader guard of Aracite crystals. Then to the training academy, then bounty hunter.” Nahim sighed, shaking off Mandin’s hand and standing up. He looked blankly up at the sky. And Ehyeh let it all happen. He killed them. Nahim’s hand fisted.
“But Nahim, what about your eyes?” Mandin’s voice was a pure vein of curiosity.
“The mystery of why my sclerae are so is unsolved. I am full Wondian and I am full Realn. In my veins, there is no alien blood nor that of the Nameless Things. Red irises is a mutation that can occur once in a century, but I have never heard of another with eyes like my own.”
“Wow, and I thought just having the Last Nayhelm as a friend was special. I’ve got a Red Eye, and the only Laxan Invasion survivor too!” Mandin chuckled. It stabbed Nahim to the heart that Mandin said it so lightly, but he knew his friend had meant no harm.
“Yeah.” He replied quietly. Mandin stood, coming up to stand by Nahim. He set his hand on Nahim’s shoulder.
“Hey, I’m here, for whenever you need to talk to someone.” Nahim dropped his shoulder and took a step forward, causing Mandin’s hand to slip off.
“I can talk to myself.” Mandin’s soft brown eyes filled with concern, and his blonde eyebrows, barely visible, furrowed.
“’Hiding a burning ember only causes more of a fire.’ Aden Florain.” Nahim rolled his eyes. They remained there until Master Milcah quietly came and scolded Mandin for leaving the meeting. Mandin sighed and went back with his father.
Silvanis: But I look like a peacock!
Rosella: Whatever a peacock is, it must be very fashionable.Cool! I’ll definitely wanna give you my thoughts! But I do have some other things to do today, so I’ll see when I can get started on my notes😁. Thanks for sharing!
We crazy people are the normal ones.
I’m so sorry giving you my thoughts on Ch 2 is taking so long, I’m kinda busy with the holidays lol and it’s been taking me a while.
We crazy people are the normal ones.
That’s fine, I’d rather have you take a month than five minutes. Quality first 😁
Silvanis: But I look like a peacock!
Rosella: Whatever a peacock is, it must be very fashionable.I’m so sorry that this took so long! I hope it helps!
“Nahim. Nahim!”
Mandin waved his large hand in front of his 19-year-old [this is shown when Nahim thinks about how long ago the accident was] friend’s hidden face. “Nahim, what’s up?”
[how does Nahim react to Mandin waving his hand in front of his face? does he tell him to stop? does Nahim even want to be here? How did Nahim get here after fainting in the middle of a hostile environment?]Nahim seemed to be the only silent audience sitting in the crowd of Realn [does Mandin comment on Nahim acting sulky? or is this pretty par for the course for Nahim to be extremely stoic? does Mandin comment on this?], whoops and cheers erupted around them in the packed stands leaning up to the sky.
Down below, in a large silver circle at the end of a long, winding path from the city on the horizon, stood a triumphant hero[would change to the winner or the victor for clarity] next to her speeder of green with lightning stripes of blue [unless it’s important that the speeder is green and matters later, I would keep description of her and her speeder to the barest minimum and let the reader fill in the blanks]. She waved her gloved hand to the crowd. A large smile blessed her face and the look of pure joy in her hazel eyes exclaimed she had been waiting for this day since her childhood. [also simplify this description unless she matters later, I recommend saying that she was grinning and waving, which is easier to read, since we don’t need to be in her mind] Behind her also waved the four other winners of this race, who had finished after her. [This sentence is a bit confusing, I recommend either scratching this, or say that the other placeholders grinned and waved with her instead of saying it’s just her]
The many flags of dragons and heroes thrashed in the strong winds of the planet Banor. One great standard stood out above all: the bust of a gold dragon. The fierceness of his face was accented by his slit reptilian eyes and the various shapes of his scales, along with the silver and bronze streaks. On his chest was a round stone of sparkling blues, pinks, purples, whites, silvers, and speckles of gold.
It is hard to describe THE stone, the crowning jewel of the Realn. If you have ever looked at it once in your life, you will remember it to the end of your days. A light seems to come from each color, giving it a magical, enchanting look. Even this flag made by the Realn, this Realn symbol, did not serve its beauty justice. But none has seen this jewel since it was enclosed in the Labyrinth, at the beginning of the Nanian war, as is custom when the emperor dies or steps down. [This is a lot of info dump, and while I’m guessing the stone (may I suggest the Opal, heart, or Eye of the Realn?) is going to come in later, the information is not necessary right now. Just say it’s the hidden stone of the Realn or something along those lines which gives the reader better opportunity to learn along the way and can be better explained when it’s pertinent or when it needs foreshadowing. Also, this paragraph is written in 2nd person present tense, as if a character is speaking, which is confusing to read.] [basically, you could simplify this into: “Banor’s standard presided over all, a golden dragon bearing the lost Heart of the Realn, a gem like an opal – the best if not a poor comparison – to a stone that glowed with a million colors and a light of it’s own, embroidered in even poorer resemblance on the wavering flag.”]
In front of the winner’s circle, set jetting out into a crystalline lake, the young Lord Nahor sat in his own private place with his newly-wedded wife [Maybe Nahor gives the winner a trophy with his new wife, their dragon standing guard beside them, if you need to describe the couple. maybe Nahim notices the racers, the flags, and the couple in passing but lingers on the dragon]. The couple were overshadowed with dragon wings, and a large orange dragon head rose above, as if it were a real one of the great beasts in their rock-like state of watchfulness [I recommend saying it’s a statue right out of the gate, and then that it looks real]. The Realn standard that I have before described to you was set [Try engraved, or painted it will give us a better understanding of how the dragon looks. You could even gloss over the flags since it kind of comes out of nowhere and describe the standard as it is designed on the dragon. (What if the dragon was a full-body version of the one on the flag? That would flow a little faster. and you don’t need to tell us you previously described it] above the head of the dragon.
As if a figurehead, a depiction of a woman, half-armored in the special armor of the Realn, stood at the front of the Lord’s Seat, the dragon’s orange-red tail curled around her feet in wide circles. The expression upon her face was as vivid as life, a look of determination, of courage, of a will, a look that could bring her enemies to a halt, a queenly expression. Her hair flowed back in a wave of blond-red curls, and her light blue dress flowed in the wind of Ancient Wond. Her left hand was raised, as if to stop an impending doom. That was Empress Budeca, one of the greatest empresses who ever lived.
She had reigned in one of the golden ages of the Realn, when their name was the fear of their enemies and the joy of their allies. When they ruled the seas, air and the land, when they had a place on almost every piece of land on their side of the great Wond. When they showed they were small in number, but great in power. Only the Addawnai could drive them from their shores. Today was her birthday, celebrated by the family-clan, Ward, for ages, in wartime or in peace. She was the Mother of the Ward. Thousands of years had passed since her death, but still her memory remained in the hearts of her people, she was the woman that any young Ward girl strove to be. [I can tell you really thought this out, but this is WAY too much description, and I would just say something that ties in the dragon and the empress, remember, we have a cheering crowd, and someone trying to get Nahim’s attention. try something quick and to the point. she is a revered empress of long ago, and Nahim probably knows little about her and cares even less, he could be thinking that they’re just celebrating the birthday of a dead woman on the anniversary of his home’s destruction, and that he thinks that the festival is entirely pointless maybe? If I’m being blunt, howver, the empress’s description here is unnecessary, and you are better served her being breifly mentioned in the reason for the festival, just say it was the birthday fot he greatest empress who ever lived, _____ years after her death]
Behind the great dragon that shielded the Lord of the Ward [Is this Nahor? If so, I recommend just saying it’s him], and behind the sparkling water rose the Banorian trees. Their trunks rippled from root to leaf in the wind, as if a wave of a sea. Every bow was burdened with tender leaves and sweet flowers, streaked with a mixture of blues, oranges, and whites. The scent that hung on the air was sweet and like unto a rose and an apple blossom, wonderfully blended together. [This description is delightfully vivid, but if this is an entirely different planet from the one Laxan was on, then I might have the flora be different between the two (maybe laxan was largely volcanic, and there was fire-resistant plants there that weren’t so leafy and more like really tough succulents and lithops plants?) My one concern is if Nahim can actually see that far? is it part of his species?] The trees wrapped around one side of the lake and behind one side of the stands, halting at the large rock that served as the foundation for various[unnecessary word] shops of [how about canopied with] various streaks of the color palette, offering things to buy[this is already implied by describing these as shops]. Behind this was a long road that led back to the rising city. [I would include the road as almost a list with the shops by saying: and the road that meandered up to the (adjective) city.]
But it wasn’t any of this that captured the attention of Nahim, it was thoughts.[then why describe it outside of his POV for the scene, tell us through him] He stared blankly through his visor at the winding course from the horizon that the many speeders had taken. His eyes did not even flick toward the joyful winner, who now received her metal prize,[you could cut this or the first description of the winner] nor to the Ward standards that waved now with ferocity, feathered wings around THE stone. [if Nahim dosen’t care about these, then why are you describing them? what are his thoughts? I would cut that his thoughts are distracting him, and just show the description as he zones out, thinking about dragons, (like how it felt to ride them) and move Mandin pestering Nahim to here as they’re about to leave. I can see that you have a really vivid world in your mind, but I recommend giving us only the most important details, go from the biggest things to the smallest things. As an example think about how you might first see a forest, then a singular pathway, then the squirrel on the pathway, then the squirrel getting frightened by a traveler walking down the road]
Mandin could hardly take everything in; he had been here year after year [attended the celebration of the long-dead but reknowned empress Budeca’s birthday] for 26 years and he still couldn’t believe the palette of colors, every one imaginable [Was still overwhelmed by the riotus color palette]. What does Nahim think of all of this? I know he has never seen such a Banorian festival. [Depending on Mandin’s personality, would he really wave his hand in front of Nahim’s face, why not shake his shoulder, give him a freindly whack on the back like some guys do? He sees Nahim is sad, why not he ask what Nahim thinks of this, and Nahim barely responds?]
“Nahim, what’s up? You overwhelmed or something?” [probably replace this with my previous suggestion?]
“Huh?” a quiet voice, as if in another world answered. [what if Nahim has a voice that sounds metallic in a way, or like he’s speaking through a filter, having an artificial voicebox now that ages him up audiowise? this is a futuristic world, why not advance the medicine?]
“What do you think? Why didn’t ya enter the speeder race? You’re good enough.” [try, “Why didn’t you enter the speeder race? you’ve handed my rear to me too many times, why not pick on someone else?” or something along those lines. Mandin seems to be boisterous and energetic as well as kindhearted, as well as being a young man who likely engages in freindly teasing.]
“Nih, you never met my brother.” His monotone voice was wistful,as if he longed for something to happen, or to be as it once was. Mandin raised his black eyebrows, interested in what he hoped Nahim would say next. Nahimdeeply inhaled[try sighed instead of deeply inhaled]before saying, “Banorians know how to add color.”His voice had suddenly become more light-hearted than usual.[i crossed out the telling, and added suggestions in brackets, you only need to trim it up a little, since it’s easy to pick up on through what they’re saying. also, how are they interracting with the scene? are people filing out? Nahim is closed off, would he avoid mentioning anything about his previous life?]
It was not what Mandin hoped he would say. [does Mandin frown? is he annoyed? Frustrated? This sentence tells too much, show instead]
“Kinda a culture thing.”[why does Mandin say this, it seems like he’s trying to dissuade Nahim when that’s not what you’re going for?] Mandin ran with Nahim’s change of subject., hoping that doing so would make Nahim more willing to talk.
“Funny how I’m of a totally different family-clan that no longer exists, and a Laxorian where we don’t usually like to throw all our colors into one big thing, and you invite me to an extremely [would add an ellipsis (…) or dash (–) here] Wardian? [this is confusing as i thought this was Banorian, could you add a small detail that gives this context earlier?] Festival. Not to mention the fact that the clans are divided since the death of our emperor,” they both pressed a fist to heart, “I might as well be a Wardian myself!”
“You finally figured it out!” Nahim gave Mandin Ward a playful punch on his shoulder. [I would have Mandin punch Nahim’s shoulder here, since it’s confusing having Nahim do this in the same paragraph as Mandin is talking. what has Nahim figured out?]
“Sorry, I’m Laxorian through and through.” A slight chuckle escaped Nahim.He was in high spirits today.[who’s POV is this chapter from? Mandin? Nahim? it’s confusing hopping into both minds so much, and you don’t need to say he’s in high spirits, instead, show us how he’s cheery by his interractions, and this conversation perfectly conveys his emotion without you saying how he feels]
“Then why don’t you ever go there?”
“How do you know I never go there?”
“Well, you’ve got this fear of flying, and you’ve forgotten that in the last two years since we teamed up [how have they teamed up, are they in the same racing team? What has Nahim forgotten? his fear of flying? how did he get there after passing out? did Mandin find him and give him free lodging?], you’ve never even asked to go there. Oh, and don’t forget, you were at Father’s academy for a year and never left. So, why don’t you go there?”“That topic is not for bright colors.” Mandin, give me some space, I don’t want to talk about it. [I would scratch what’s underlined, I recommend having something in Nahim’s body language that shows he’s irked by the question, and have him change the subject without saying anything about it. Also, wouldn’t Mandin be a little more considerate of Nahim? I understand Mandin is trying to help him, but the way he’s pressing the matter comes across as a little rude] “This place is as bright as an elven New Year. Who gets the colorful job?”
[Mandin probably picks up on the defense, does he do anything about it? React in any way?] “A lot of the women of the surrounding area and even from across the Ward territory prepare for this holiday. Usually there is a Lady Young Budeca, usually one of her direct descendants that has no pollutions from aliens in their lineage. This year it happens to be Lady Aileen.” They both looked to the dragon box for Lord Nahor and his lady as the crowd around them rose and slowly dispersed for the other festivities of the day. “Speaking of no alien blood, I’ve never quite understood what you are.”
“Guess Wondian man with a dash of elf and you’ve got it, my friend. C’mon, I’m curious what other Banorian Wardian surprises await.”
They rose and walked with the crowd into the open space of the nearby stone platform. [this previous conversation fell a bit prey to talking heads syndrome, maybe they’re walking to the marketplace as they’re talking and trying to navigate the crowd?]
“You do realize that it’s ‘Ward’ not ‘Wardian’ that should be used in any sentence of the sort you would put the incorrect word of ‘Wardian’ in?” [you only need the first part of this sentence]
“Now I do.” [make a new paragraph now, it sounds like Mandin is being corrected on grammar he would know more about.] Mandin laughed his hearty laugh [laughed heartily works better here]. Nahim remained steady. His grave personality seemed like iron sometimes; today the forge of gay [(I understand the old-fashioned language choice, but gay means something VERY different today and you could inadvertently confuse a reader) using different synonyms is best, and I would say ‘the joyous celebration’ instead of referring to colors you already mentioned, and show that Nahim’s mood is softened by perhaps a more relaxed posture? Try to hint at Nahim being typically cold more than narrating it to us] colors seemed to soften it more than usual.
“Nahim, [we already know Mandin is talking to Nahim] I still think you should have joined the speeder races.Your speedering is excellent.” [I don’t think it’s necessary for Mandin to say this as he said it earlier, but he could always suggest that Nahim had just as much spirit as any Bantarian.]“My brother’s speedeering was exquisite.” A small point was made on the last word. [You could italicize exquisite instead]
“Speedeering[try speedEARing]? What kindaof a[unnecessary] word is that?”
“The same kind as Nayhelmic.”[wouldn’t Nahim say Bantarian?]
“Which is?”
“A correct Nayhelmic term.”[wouldn’t he say, the same kind as you just deafened me cheering at? (or something like that, playful teasing or something might fit? You know Nahim better than I do)]
“This is what I get when I’ve gotta have a Laxorian for a friend,” Mandin laughed, he matched his friend’s speed as they entered a diligent[why is it diligent? did you mean different, if so, you didn’t need to add that. You used stands for what I assume were basically bleachers, you could just say the shops and describe what’s gong on around them, as Mandin comments about his brother] place where the stands were now open for business. Laughter and festivities went on around them. “But, who was your brother?”
“That topic is not for suchcolors[a time].” [anything Nahim does in response?]
“It never seems to be for dark colors either[how about: It’s never for any time],” Mandin mumbled [would manding say this so quietly if he wants Nahim to hear him?]. “C’mon, sometimes you need to just talk about things.[How about: “You can’t just hide everything forever, you know?”] I’ve got seven years of experience on you, and that experience told me that sometimes I needed to tear Dad away from his papers and trainees to talk about something[I don’t know what happened to you, but it isn’t going away if you keep it under that helmet”]. Or even to tear my childhood friend from her books to talk about anything.” [this feels unnatural, try, “I had to do the same thing with (female name).”]
Nahim tilted his helmet at the mention of “her”. “[didn’t know] You have afemale childhood[lady] friend?” [would have something about Nahim taking on a teasing tone, trying to get Mandin out of his buisness]
Mandin caught the hint in Nahim’s voice. “Friends ONLY. Don’t you go getten’ any ideas. Anyways, what I’m trying to say is, talk about your past to someone, I’m not sayin’ me.” [how about: “What I’m tryin’ to say is, talk to someone, I’m not sayin’ me, but someone.”]
“You may have the seven years [on me], but I’ve had the fire. [does he take on an angry tone of voice? he has to be extremely irritated and probably insults Mandin a little? Does he consider Mandin out of touch with reality?] You know I don’t have a family, no father to pull from his daily duties. No mother to pull from her daily baking. No brothers to pester.I never had any sisters.[you don’t need to list this, in my opinion, since it’s already implied]” Nahim’s voice was unusually wistful as he spoke, and it sounded like he had broken out in a smile at the word “pester”. “All I’ve got now is a good friend that I believe I would go to the edges of the Galaxy for even if they wouldn’t for me. Though, who am I talking about? They would [He shouldn’t be telling at this moment, maybe he says, “that I would gladly not nag on painful subjects, even if he wouldn’t for me.”].”
“Then talk to him.”[Try, “Maybe he’s nagging because he wants to help you!”]
[does Nahim glare at Mandin before pointing at the figurine in a nearby shop? does he pick it up?]“That dragon figurine is missing something.” [you could have Mandin’s dad examine it maybe, and have Nahim start to approach him to force Mandin to stop pressing him for painful information]
“Now you’re just change [i]n’ subject.”
“Yep.”
“Well, guess I’ll just pester you some more.”
“Your father is over there.”[I think having Nahim interrupt him works better]
No sooner had Nahim spoke than Mandin’s father set down the dragon figurine he was studying, noticing the two of them, and called to Mandin.
“Then I guess I’ll go over there for a few minutes; don’t disappear.” Mandin veered off to his parent, Nahim turned and went towardsthe far away edge where the strange trees ended. [the peculiar treeline on the edges of the marketplace, try indicating he’s annoyed and wants a moment to cool off?]
So unique, like the tall trees of his beloved Laxor. [we know they have wavy bark but why else are they so different from Laxor? he’s been here a while, why are they a novelty? Is their bark tough and blackened? Are they evergreens which are more fire resistant?]
He relived looking over the landscape around his home, the volcanoes at one end, the Laxorian forest to another, and the last side walled by the tall grasslands with its sharp blades. He half-smiled at the memories of the wonderful time when the three suns, Diala, Leahae, and Lahoom, had set all at once, their light blending together to make the most romantic and gorgeous sight Nahim had ever seen touch the grasslands of his home. Alin’s [wouldn’t he think of her as ‘mother’?] voice sounded in his mind.
“Wouldn’t that look great from the sky? Sunlight dipping the blah grasslands in paint. Huh Nahim? Can’t you just see it?” His mother giving a soft smile as she rested her head on his father, her hand over her swelling belly. That was so long ago, yet the memory was sweet and clear as if straight from the time. [admittedly, I’m a bit confused as to if Nahim is on another planet or not, is there something you could say about that in the prose? Does mandin say how Laxan isn’t too far?]
He reached the edge of the shops just as the sunset of Diala began. Nahim’s eyes scanned the horizon through his helmet’s dark visor. To his left, blue-gray grass bowed toher Majestythe Wind as her long train swept across the plain with themagnificent king of the Day Sky, [first sun] Diala, casting out his last cape of orange. [crossed out unnecessary details]
With a sudden realization Nahim remembered that it was Haye 9th, 10,018 GA, the fourth anniversary of the Laxan invasion. This was an anniversary of tears and death for him, and the fact that only Nanians survived made it worse. King Vorgan had survived to continue the war. And the traitor was still unknown. [perhaps include this earlier like I mentioned, it would make sense since this is a holiday, that Nahim might be a little more aware of the date. Does he find it odd that a year ago he was dying in the grassands, only to be rescued by whatever rescued Nahim, if he remembers? Does Nahim feel guilty for lingering for so long and finding no clues of the traitor?]
Ehyeh, Why? He did not pause any longer [I would indicate that he stops walking before you say he didn’t pause any longer] but passed under the peaceful shade of the boughs.
Nahim Nayhelm was lost to the scene. The bits of light from the suns came down onto the ground, filtered to green, blue, orange and white. The wind rippled up the trunks, making the filtered light shift and change every second. For an instant, Nahim wished to be one of those leaves or one of those flowersso that he at least would have a family. [but] He was a Lone One now.The Nayhelm family was dead.[the last of his name] Another ‘Why?’ to be directed to the Realn God.
How can you create something so perfect and make something so devastating? I always thought I understood you, but now, I don’t know what to think. I’m alone, in a fog of thoughts and pain, and you are nowhere to bear it with me.[Instead of saying his thoughts, maybe show us at some point how he feels by how he interracts with religious festivals? Maybe there’s some sort of nod to Ehyeh at the end of the race in the beginning and Nahim tries to join but can’t because it makes him sick?]
Maybe Mandin was right, after all this time maybe he should tell someone; he needed a direction to go. Maybe telling his story would make them like brothers instead of just this friendship that was deep, but yet not the laughing, joking, pestering relationship that Nahim always had with his siblings. On his own, figuring out the whys and the questions, he felt becalmed without an ash breeze.
He pushed aside his previous thoughts, wishing to instead think of the current beauty around him.[try saying he turned his attention to the beauty around him] He eased himself down onto the leaf covered, and flower speckled ground, crossing his legs to watch the shifting light.
For the first time in a long time,[outside of the privacy of his living quarters] he lifted his helmet and set it beside him in a pile of fallen flowers. His black hair with misbehaving wisps of multicolored light-dyed hairs fell on the back of his neck [if he wears a helmet, why does he dye his hair?Maybe try: His Dark hair with misbehaving streaks of pastel colors tickled the back of his neck]. He closed his eyes and took in the fragrance of the many sweet flowers.
The burning smell of a forge.
Bits of dainties that Nahim did not recognize.
The bustling of the crowd behind him didn’t bother him much as he sat away from the edge of where they were, all alone. People raised their voices in Realn, but Nahim did not listen to the conversations; he was in another world of peace.
The wind was cool and the scent of more flowers and places far away, of a sweet purity as if after a rain, caressed his face. Little merry breezes played in his hair. Hislow-melanin[I would say pale, pallid, even white if he’s that pale] face was stained by the fading rays from Diala. And Leahae would soon be falling too. Here was his peace.
For a whilethere he sat, his mind thinking[he thought] of nothing,[would remove the comma] but the place around him, and how pleasant Banor could be.
“I told you not to go anywhere.” Mandin was half-laughing.
Nahim turned around suddenly, forgetting his helmet rested in the flowers beside him. Mandin froze, a look of shock in his features.
“What is th –– ” A lock of hair touched Nahim’s face. ‘Oh, no.’ [does his tone change at all?] “Mandin, I can explain.” Mandin’s uncovered [I thought his face was already uncovered?] face had gone pale.
“What kind of trick is this?”
“No trick.” Nahim lowered his eyes to the ground. Mandin had seen them; Nahim’s secret was out. “Please, don’t tell anyone, I will explain everything to you later.”
“Everything?”
Nahim took in a deep breath. Did that mean Mandin wanted to hear about the long-pried-for past that Nahim hid from his sight? Was that raised eyebrow a look of hope for what he wanted Nahim to answer? Yes, it was. He sighed; maybe this was destined.
“Everything.”He lifted his helmet out of its cradle of white, blue, and orange streaked flowers.Pulling his hair out of his way, he slid it back over his head[the helmet back on], once more hiding his eyes.
He then stood, casting a look over that peaceful spot, before turning to go with Mandin back to the stone platform.
Mandin walked beside him, but he was not thinking about the light-hearted things that his friend now commented on to lift the tension. He had always wondered what the face was that always hidden either by his helmet, or by a dark speeder mask. Now he had seen it, and he didn’t know what to think.
Nahim could be considered handsome, with a strong nose, a somewhat square clean chin, bushy black eyebrows down close to his eyes, yet not too close, and a mature look to his cheek bones, beyond his age.
Mandin felt it matched, and yet didn’t match his voice, which lacked some of the deepness that he himself had. But that wasn’t what bothered Mandin so. [probably just include the description of Nahim’s eyes? And instead of jumping into Mandin’s POV without warning, either do *** to indicate the change, or have Nahim curse himself for a fool internally for letting that part of his guard down]
Those eyes had looked straight into his own, those black pupils, red irises and… red sclerae.[try: those eyes of solid red pockmarked by his black pupils, the only thing remotely natural about them.] How could someone of man and elven lineage have such eyes?Some final thoughts:
- Instead of saying pestering so much, be a little more limited with the use of the word, and say bother or something along those lines
- I can tell you put a lot of thought into your description, but some of it turns into too much info dump. Describe the bare essentials to the reader, and give us more info later as necessary. Let us discover the world along with the characters.
- Also, consider changing Nahim’s throat wound to something that won’t affect him as much if it’s not going to have any use in the future narrative is my recommendation, unless you plan on showing us how easily wounds can be healed in this world with advanced tech.
- I recommend trying to sho over tell the emotions of the characters. We can tell Nahim is greiving, sad, angry, and numb, you can show us in the way he interracts with the other characters (without saying it outright right away), body language, and choices he makes, and that will be enough for the readers to pick up on.
So far so good though! I am interested and I would love to see what happens as time goes on. It seems like you’re planning for some event that has to do with the war happen soon with how early Nahim’s reveal is.
We crazy people are the normal ones.
Oh dear…I think I have failed as a writer.
It’s currently around twenty two o’clock for me, so I can’t fully reply rn (and dont have much energy or will either) but I will say that a few of your edits are mistaken…and it’s totally my fault!
I can’t believe I really liked this chapter!
Silvanis: But I look like a peacock!
Rosella: Whatever a peacock is, it must be very fashionable.That’s OK! It’s a week before Christmas, and I think everyone’s juggling a lot more than normal right now! Also, I’ve only read the first half of the chapter as of yet, as I’ve had several other things I’m working on. But I do intend to read the rest of it!
You have certainly not failed as a writer, you have an early draft that just needs some work, but that’s something even the most professional writers go through. Roald Dahl when writing Charlie and the Chocolate Factory did a massive rewrite of it when his nephew expressed great dislike, and Tolkien had to rework several parts of the Hobbit after he published it to make it tie in with Lord of the Rings. I’ve even had my own (definitely not as good) WIPs be completely altered by their end. (A short story I posted on here (I’ll link it if you want to read it, but it’s not the greatest thing in the world lol) actually went through many rewrites before the final product, and when I revisit the larger story that’s based off it, It’ll go through many more rewrites, and probably be very different than the original, since it was so disorganized at first)
It’s still a great chapter! I just think the the conversation included could have more subtext than just saying things outright and result in more issues later, like perhaps Nahim confusing Mandin when he does certain things and having to fill Mandin in with things Mandin could’ve helped him with before they became dire. Also, keep in mind you are establishing a fascinating but also unique setting (I don’t think you can google photos of Banor!) and you have a very thought-out world, which can be tricky (I’ve had the same problems, which is why I’m trying to do comics lol) and I can tell that this is something you’ve put a lot of effort into, and it honestly sounds like the place is absolutely gorgeous!
All in all, your chapter has good bones, and I see that it’s supposed to establish Nahim and Mandin’s friendship, the new setting, and tell us more about Nahim as a person. The main things I wanted to see were the effects of Nahim’s injury, or why it’s almost completely healed, and more of the technological side of your world, which isn’t something that’s always easy (My only saving grace with anything sci-fi is that I know a guy that is willing to help me figure that stuff out since he likes to research those things and is extremely practical), and maybe a little more of who Mandin is outside of his relationship with Nahim.
Also, I don’t know the overall arc of your story since I’m only in the beginning, but maybe try introducing us to Nahim before Laxan falls, what was his daily life like? his friends? his concerns? think about how characters are often introduced in your favorite stories, writers often give their readers a chance to get to know their character right out the gate, like in Lord of the Rings, Avatar the Last Airbender, or the Chronicles of Narnia. You could have Nahim go about his daily life, happy and content, having goals and complaints that will later seem trivial.
Maybe he’s trying to become a speeder racer and the day the Nanians invade is the day of the ‘tryouts’? Or he gets into an argument with his family about why he may be forced to hide his red eyes (I’m thinking he had to use contact lenses, and he’s the Alpha you talked about)? or his red eyes are revealed at the tryouts and it goes bad (depending on how known Grathmere is). And at the end of the day when Nahim is fleeing, you only need to give us less exposition of Nahim’s flashbacks and his family, and just have him flee, and maybe he passes out as he sees something or someone approaching him? Maybe he was captured then rescued, but he was the only person to be taken prisoner in the first place? is he put in a virtual reality that is supposed to keep him trapped? (I just wanted to help you get some ideas going 🙂 )
Again, don’t worry about there being some problems with anything you write, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad writer, but a human one. How often do humans get something right on the first few tries of something? Never, most of the time, and even then, there’s still and always will be room for improvement. So give yourself some grace. 😊
We crazy people are the normal ones.
This is the WIP I was mentioning, it has some problems, and I’m far from even 75% satisfied with how it turned out lol, but this is sorta a sample of something from about three years ago.
We crazy people are the normal ones.
OK THAT IS OLDER THAN I THOUGHT IT WAS! You really don’t have to read it unless you want writing I cringe to read even the first sentence lol. (Forgot I had a period I really wasn’t posting on KP because I wasn’t really a teen anymore, I’m a Story Embers refugee)
(Changes I made: Main character’s name is now Jake, Fabian’s speech issues are more readable, and Marian is a little more involved, and prose is better, also probably changed some of the tech details to use of portals, and tidied up the fight scenes)
Also, there are critique questions on there, but you don’t have to answer them, this was three years ago!
We crazy people are the normal ones.
https://storyembers.org/groups/sci-fi-writers/forum/topic/sci-fi-short-story/
Here’s a new-ish version, this is probably going to be more readable lol. (I’m still not satisfied with it, but this is how it looked when posting on Story Embers when the forum was still active, and I’m less embarrassed about it lol, even if I’m still not happy with the product). I have no clue if this’ll help you, but this is closer to what a more polished version would look like, and how your work will be (with your own flair) the more it’s revised and polished.
Also, keep in mind you may never be 100% satisfied with your story, and you are likely going to be your own worst critic, as I am with myself lol. It’s not always about perfection, but if you had fun making it, if it brings glory to God, and if it can inspire and encourage others including yourself, even if it just gives someone a mild reprieve from reality and allows them to feel refreshed, you did your job as a writer. 😊
We crazy people are the normal ones.
@scoutfinch180 oh! You’re from SE too! I joined there like…idk…two months? Maybe? Before they shut down! Actually, I was under the same username I use here, had a Friesian PFP. Did you know you can still log in and get to your profile, and to your subscribed topics?
Okay…sit down and take a deep breath…I usually loose most my friends in my complex charrie and Realn things. As you have guessed, I spend many a bored hour world building. And family creating…
Nahim is the third son of Anoran and Narony Nayhelm. Master Anoran was the steward of Laxan, and close friends with the last Lord of the Nayhelm, Lord Adorian. Nahim had four brothers, Knihan, Alin, one I have not named and Larin. Knihan died at the Laxan invasion with Larin, Master Anoran and Narony. Alin died two years prior, in a spaceship accident (Nahim was with him, and was traumatized by the accident. That’s why he doesn’t fly). The one that is unnamed was Narony’s fourth son, who died three days after birth.
Lord Nahim Nayhelm (later in the book you will find why I give Nahim this title) marries Noranay Mae Helm, daughter of Lord Elijah Lacroux Helm, Lord of the Helm. Noranay has no title of Lady, for she has an older brother Maren. Nahim has four children by birth:
- Nathan
- Narray
- Marco
- Nae
- Nehemiah
But his older child is adopted, and carries the adopted Name of Nayhelm Alfred Nayhelm Junior, or his true name, Alpha Grath.
Alpha’s birth was a lab experiment, he was cloned with the looks of Nahim (Grathmere had a liking for Nahim’s eyes) but with half his blood that of Grathmere, of the Nameless Things. Alpha, as soon as he could stand on his feet, was taught in war and even before he could stand, was surrounded by it. He was being trained to do the impossible: break into Rea and kill the rising Realn emperor (Rea is the capitol of the Realn). BTW, the Realn emperor was Nahim.
But before the child became a man and was able to kill the Emperor that had his same face, Alpha was taken by the Realn. Shocked at his visage, the Realn brought him to Nahim, who later adopted him. Alpha was probably a little more than a toddler, and had a vague idea about Grathmere but hadn’t truly discovered that Grathmere was his father.
I can go on about Alps if you want. I honestly enjoy his story, though some pieces get dark.
Anyways, now before you get confused, Guardian Angels ends before Nahim is married. The Troublemakers begins with a new war after the Nanian war, and Nahim is still not married. He does not marry until the next book, The Two Emperors which is where you will first meet Alpha. Returns is Alpha’s story. Alpha Slit is Alpha’s son’s story… His alias is Silvanis Snickerdoodle. You may ask his real name, if you’re curious.
Does that clear up some timeline? Ask any questions, I always enjoy them even if I don’t have the answers!
Silvanis: But I look like a peacock!
Rosella: Whatever a peacock is, it must be very fashionable.Ok that helps me understand the overall story better, so you’re basically going for something very similar to Star Wars (before Disney got a chokehold on it 😭) but with a Christian worldview writing it, and probably some of Joseph’s story from Genesis thrown in.
I recommend Odd 1s Out’s video on pitching a show to help when explaining to your friends, it might help you find a way to explain the bare bones to them.
Is your theme for book 1 only? Or is it supposed to fit into the overarching narrative? Will each book explore a different facet of that theme?
We crazy people are the normal ones.
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