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The theme is only for Book 1. Book 2’s is flicking between a few. Book 3’s is forgiveness, loyalty, and a few others I’m juggling with. I know forgiveness will be in it since Nahim has to forgive his greatest enemy (surprisingly, it’s not Grathmere). Book 4 has a bunch of stuff that I haven’t decided on, and Book 5 has basically only the charrie, the title, the setting, and a patched-up, crossed out, crumpled, and thrown in the garbage first chapter.
BTW, Jonas is actually a name for Jonah, not Joseph.
I see… I would recommend thinking of a theme/topic to intertwine each story into and have the ending be a culmination of that theme/topic to communicate your message in the character’s actions and choices, and how they’re rewarded/punished. E.g. Star Wars (I block quoted it for spoilers, if you haven’t seen them yet and spoilers bother you):
The central story (barring movies 7-9) revolve around love and breaking abusive family cycles. In the first half of the story (movies 1-3 and the clone wars TV show) focus on Anakin and how his love grew into something close to hatred and falling prey to the same evil that had hurt him (the slave master Watto, the Clone wars in general, being ripped from his mother and next time he saw her she died in his arms, and some of the Jedi). A notable instance is when he slaughtered an entire village of Sand people because they killed his mother, when the true Jedi way is to forgive. By the end of movie three, Anakin has turned into Vader, killing (or attempting to) those he perceived as hurting him, and loving people with a jealous attachment over a love that is unconditional and is willing to let go what cannot be controlled, and is punished by losing most of his body and living a life of mental, physical, and emotional pain alone with only his abusive master, being a slave once more.
Then, in 4-6, we see Luke who may have a slightly different background in that he had a loving (albeit a little strict) family, was still hurt, growing up separated from his sister and his father, and later experiencing direct abuse from Vader. But instead of going down the same path which he very well could’ve, he chose to grow past it despite all he suffered. Think about it: he lost 3 parental figures in the span of a few weeks, then got another one only to have him die, nearly lost his friend, found out his crush was his sister, and got his hand cut off by his dad, and fully accepted the possibility that he could die trying to save Vader. And I’m not counting stuff that happened after his arc in those movies either (losing his real dad (and having to cremate him) and getting electrocuted within an inch of his life). Guy needs a dang hug.
But even though all his hurt can be traced back to Anakin, who let the cycle of abuse and pain go on as Darth Vader, he chooses to hope that things can be different. Luke, against all odds, chooses to pursue forgiveness and reconciliation, hoping against hope that he might be able to save his father, his friends, and the galaxy. Even when he snaps and almost gives in to his hate in his final duel with Vader, he realizes who he’s turning into and chooses to throw away his lightsaber, at the risk of death, because he loves his father and wants to save him.
And in the end, true unconditional and sacrificial love is what saves the day. Anakin is moved by Luke as you can tell even before they’re aboard the Death Star, and out of love, he defends Luke. Sacrificing himself to save Luke by defeating Sidious, restoring balance to the force, and ending the cycle of hate that could’ve continued forever. (Random Star Wars Fact: Sidious made Vader’s suit vulnerable to electricity so no matter what, Sidious could kill Vader if he stepped out of line, and why Vader dies so quickly when zapped) Luke is rewarded with victory, a happy family, and the knowledge that his father is ok, even if he is dead.
Which is why this story resonates today for the good things it points to: sacrificial love, hope, and letting go of what cannot be controlled. I’m definitely missing some stuff, but I hope this is a good example for you :).
Please let me know if any of that made sense, I really hope I’m able to help you and please ask me any questions you want answers to. Feel free to tell me more about your characters too!
What are your ideas for the ending? It’s good to plan the main bits of that ahead of time, and I’m more than willing to be an ‘ear’ to talk at :).
We crazy people are the normal ones.
That is very helpful, thank you.
My latest idea for Returns has a similar theme as Nahim’s stories, where Alpha must forgive and reconcile with his father, or Grathmere will die. Kinda like if Luke was the one with hatred and trying to kill Vader, but Vader is still the bad guy. And then Luke forgives him and a happy ending without the death of Anakin. Does that make sense? Then it also will deal with grief, since Alpha looses the love of his life before he could even propose. As a warrior, he tries to hide his grief thinking it is a weakness and it doesn’t end well.
I like to address life themes often, I notice. Things that I know some people struggle with, but can’t really conquer sometimes and they need something to spur them on. Like for Guardian Angels, I know someone personally who has struggled with God, and needs a “coming back” story like Nahim. She doesn’t know how to come back to her God, and so I’m exploring a sort of copy of her with my Nahim.
The Troublemakers is probably going to address the problems a lot of teens have. In that book, Nahim is kinda like a mentor to a non-Realn boy named Arkin (I forget what last name I settled on for him) who’s about 15. Nahim is 23-24 in the book, still considered but a boy by Realn, but is at least now a Warrior and not a Young Warrior. Though, technically he is not called a Warrior, since he has claimed his lordship.
Alpha Slit may be selflessness, since Silvanis is… He’s the type that if it doesn’t benefit him, he won’t do it, but then he gets mixed up with an empress-to-be named Rosella and has to give up a lot of what he had to protect her. Plus, it’s set out of the Wond Galaxy, so it will be very different from what I usually feel comfortable doing.
I think the themes sorta go, since they’re things that I think everyone struggles with at some time or another. Idk, I kinda have a vague idea of my themes in the beginning, and then as I get to know the charries better, their troubles just pop up and i address them, so this all may very well change (besides the Guardian Angels theme ofc.)
Feel free to tell me more about your characters too!
fyi, you may regret that later.
What are your ideas for the ending? It’s good to plan the main bits of that ahead of time, and I’m more than willing to be an ‘ear’ to talk at :).
Guardian Angels, The ending is the fall of the Nanians, and Nahim coming back to Ehyeh. It’s more complicated than just that, I assure you, but my brain translator broke, so I can’t think of better simple words to describe it. I spend a lot of time thinking about the endings of my books.
The Troublemakers leaves off on a cliffhanger. The ones who oppose the Sovereignty (as their name suggests, they’re one of the tools of Grathmere to destroy the Realn, but they also want to rule the Galaxy. Grathmere already owns a good portion of the Galaxy, so all he wants is the Realn gone, but he promised his allies that they could rule the Galaxy after the Realn died out) are loosing the war, since very few cultures have a problem with the Sovereignty, since if they don’t rebel, they are treated nicely. Nahim believes that if the Realn will rally together (as they do under an Emperor) they will win the war. He goes off to find the Labyrinth, and the book ends with Master Dare (steward of the labyrinth) telling Arkin that “no one emerges from the Labyrinth unscathed.”
The Two Emperors Ends with the reveal that Grathmere (presumed lost or dead by the Realn) is the one behind most of the wars the Realn fought since they entered space. This is when the reader directly learns about Grathmere (though throughout the books, Grathmere or a greater power who wishes to destroy the Realn is hinted at, even Vorgan hints at it.)
Returns ends with Alpha, Leahae, and Grathmere as a family brought together again, though Grathmere is still hunted. I have a vague idea at the ending, but haven’t completely planned the closing scene (which may include Grathmere meeting his grandchildren, idk.)
Alpha Slit has no definite ending yet.
I’m finally replying.
How did Nahim get here after fainting in the middle of a hostile environment?]
That is revealed later on in the book. While Nahim thought that it was impossible, someone did come into the grasslandsxand found him. Not Mandin though.
I’m guessing the stone (may I suggest the Opal, heart, or Eye of the Realn?) is going to come in later, the information is not necessary right now.
THE Stone must remain with that name. It is no opal, it is no Eye of the Realn, and the Heart of the Realn is considered to be Honor by most. I know it is a kinda plain name, but with it’s name it must remain unless I create a second name in Realn for it, which is not a bad idea…
Behind the great dragon that shielded the Lord of the Ward [Is this Nahor? If so, I recommend just saying it’s him]
Yes, this is Nahor.
(maybe laxan was largely volcanic, and there was fire-resistant plants there that weren’t so leafy and more like really tough succulents and lithops plants?)
All the Realn planets in their system are volcanic. Lortin is the most volcanic, their hills are basically volcanoes. The plants of Laxor were only to a point fire resistant, but they thrive on the rocks made from cooled lava and grow back at a high rate.
My one concern is if Nahim can actually see that far? is it part of his species?]
It’s his helmet mostly. Also, the treeline wraps around the lake to behind the stands so even without his helmet he’d be able to at least see a piece of the forest.
why describe it outside of his POV for the scene, tell us through him]
Oh, you’ve discovered my weird habit of writing. I’m thinking about breaking it. I write from the view of a girl from fantasy, named Ru Eis, who researches the stories in the “archives of Wond”. It’s a weird POV and I don’t often see it in other books, but it does lead to a few downsides.
What if Nahim has a voice that sounds metallic in a way, or like he’s speaking through a filter, having an artificial voicebox now that ages him up audiowise? this is a futuristic world, why not advance the medicine?]
Nahim’s voicebox replacement was made to sound like his voice used to be, but it came out sounding like when Nahim was thirteen. I’ve thought about it for a while, and though it usually just sounds like a natural voice, every once in a while it glitches, leaving Nahim with being unable to say certain sounds, unable to talk at all, or just makes his voice sound like grating metal or something weird like that.
How have they teamed up, are they in the same racing team? What has Nahim forgotten? his fear of flying? how did he get there after passing out? did Mandin find him and give him free lodging?],
They are in a bounty hunter team together (which is kinda funny, since there’s a bounty on Nahim’s head.)
“Now I do.” [make a new paragraph now, it sounds like Mandin is being corrected on grammar he would know more about.]
This is Nahim speaking. I clarified it when I started drafting a rewrite of the chapter. Oh! And Nayhelmic is for anything related to the Nayhelm. Nayhelmic terms refer to the odd ways the Nayhelm sometimes pronounce stuff.
[(I understand the old-fashioned language choice, but gay means something VERY different today and you could inadvertently confuse a reader)
Thank you for mentioning this! I sometimes think old-fashioned (I was the girl who wanted to handwash everything when she was little. Mom didn’t let me.)
“that I would gladly not nag on painful subjects, even if he wouldn’t for me.”].”
[Try, “Maybe he’s nagging because he wants to help you!”]
Lol! I love this! Though, my original intent was that Mandin thinks it’s someone else Nahim is talking about, and it almost sounds like Nahim is cracking a joke, which Nahim rarely does. Idk, I really like this!
“Now you’re just change [i]n’ subject.”
I meant ” changen'” I know it looks wrong, but read it out loud. When I read it, I can see Mandin saying it.
[we know they have wavy bark but why else are they so different from Laxor? he’s been here a while, why are they a novelty? Is their bark tough and blackened? Are they evergreens which are more fire resistant?]
They actually don’t have wavy bark, they are wavy in the wind. Imagine tree that instead of rocking side to side in the wind, acts like the surface of jello when you slap it, the surface of the lake when the wind blows across. That same movement, but with the entire trunk. Make sense? The bark is as smooth as a baby’s skin, and a similar color. I’m not sure how fire resistant they are.
This is Nahim’s first time on Banor, I shall specify that.
Alin’s [wouldn’t he think of her as ‘mother’?] voice sounded in his mind.
“Wouldn’t that look great from the sky? Sunlight dipping the blah grasslands in paint. Huh Nahim? Can’t you just see it?”Alin is one of Nahim’s older brothers, who loves flying.
[admittedly, I’m a bit confused as to if Nahim is on another planet or not, is there something you could say about that in the prose? Does mandin say how Laxan isn’t too far?]
Laxan is not on Banor, it is on Laxor, fifth planet of the Realn system. Nahim doesn’t want to step foot on Laxor for a while.
[if he wears a helmet, why does he dye his hair?Maybe try: His Dark hair with misbehaving streaks of pastel colors tickled the back of his neck]
His hair is not dyed with ink, the rays of light from the sunset are coloring the individual pieces of black hairs that are not behaving.
That is revealed later on in the book. While Nahim thought that it was impossible, someone did come into the grasslandsxand found him. Not Mandin though.
I see, maybe you could include something about Nahim’s confusion?
Oh, you’ve discovered my weird habit of writing. I’m thinking about breaking it. I write from the view of a girl from fantasy, named Ru Eis, who researches the stories in the “archives of Wond”. It’s a weird POV and I don’t often see it in other books, but it does lead to a few downsides.
I don’t think it’s bad, I would just think about if you like how it fits in the story. If you think it fits, I would preface with a brief ‘author’s note’ from Ru Eis (she could be talking about her sources with foreshadowing, like mentioning Lord Nahim), and probably switch scenes before switching POV, and keep the focus on the characters actions a little more than their thoughts.
Nahim’s voicebox replacement was made to sound like his voice used to be, but it came out sounding like when Nahim was thirteen. I’ve thought about it for a while, and though it usually just sounds like a natural voice, every once in a while it glitches, leaving Nahim with being unable to say certain sounds, unable to talk at all, or just makes his voice sound like grating metal or something weird like that.
Ok cool! I would suggest adding a detail so we know his voice is different now. Like a slight metallic sound. would he be able to change how his voice sounds digitally maybe? are there specific “tuners” that provide maintenance on bionic prosthetics? what constitutes as a fatal injury?
Alin is one of Nahim’s older brothers, who loves flying.
OH ok, I read Alin as Aelynn, sounding more like a girl’s name in my head. Also, What Alin says there does sound a little feminine in a way, maybe try “Wouldn’t it be fun to see Laxan from up above on a day like this?” Idk, I haven’t written actual prose in too long, having been mostly outlining a story and drawing. Just think about how men talk, and what Alin would think about and say (you don’t have to go in-depth, just his basic personality so whenever Nahim flashes back to him, we can get a basic picture of who he is)
His hair is not dyed with ink, the rays of light from the sunset are coloring the individual pieces of black hairs that are not behaving.
Oh ok, I would say that: “the orange light reflected off inky curls that tickled the back of his neck” or something along those lines, I thought he had either a dye job or his hair grew that way lol.
Also, this is something I’ve been wondering: you have mentioned four species to me so far, what are the others? did humans/humanoids originate from one planet and spread out over thousands of years? how did they adapt over time? do some humans have scales, or tails, now?
We crazy people are the normal ones.
@Rae (forgot to tag you earlier lol)
Also, what is the end goal of your plot? Reuniting the galaxy and reversing what Grathmere did while working with him? I recommend making Grathmere somewhat morally relatable (think Edmund Dantes from The Count of Monte Cristo)
We crazy people are the normal ones.
OH ok, I read Alin as Aelynn, sounding more like a girl’s name in my head. Also, What Alin says there does sound a little feminine in a way,
XD I’m sorry, but it’s just funny to me, cuz that is how Alin’s name is pronounced! In fact Nahim’s oldest brother, Knihan, had to have the spelling of his named changed because “Nihan” is a girls name in the real world and pronounced the same way, knee-hon. It’s surprising what happens when you think you have an “original” name! XD
Also, this is something I’ve been wondering: you have mentioned four species to me so far, what are the others? did humans/humanoids originate from one planet and spread out over thousands of years? how did they adapt over time? do some humans have scales, or tails, now?
Oh! I haven’t had this question asked much! Goody, I love this topic * eagerly rubs hands together *
So the reason my Galaxy is called the Wond Galaxy is bc the Wondians were the first to developed space travel, and the Wondians came from the planet Wond. Don’t ask where I got the name, it was simply a breezy day, and the wind sang it in my ear. Wond is where my homowondias (don’t worry if you don’t get it, it’s a joke Cgecko and I made a while ago. It basically means the humans from Wond) and my elves come from. The main races of Wond are, men, elves, dwarves, and the Nameless Things. The Nameless Things are actually a bunch of different races or singular beings with or without names that often have been on Wond since the Starlight Ages (the beginnings). The Nameless things include the Slyiads, Shyiads, Addawnai, and Grathmere. Those are the definite races I have put under the category so far.
Note: the Realn do not usually count the Yrg as a race. Some older books do, but the ones from after the beginning of GA, do not usually. Yrg means “foul creatures”, as a race, it would be goblins and such.
After GA, the Wondians did mix some of their blood with aliens from other planets, but there are still
Sorry had some trouble andd it posted for some reason. @scoutfinch180 the rest.
After GA, the Wondians did mix some of their blood with aliens from other planets, but there are still
Those of pure Wondian blood. For instance, most the Dwarves are pure since don’t often accept others into their small circles.
For the sake of sci-fi and stories, the mutation rate of Wondians is slower the Earthling’s. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t there. Nahim’s eyes are a mutation.
The Realn are from Wond btw.
I’ve not delved me much into aliens, the main alien races I use are Nanians, Turqins, Laxdains, Snapas, Rials, Rillians, Narinians, Qins, and…I think that’s basically it. I’m not really a fan of creating entirely new aliens, and I don’t like too many alien races for the reader to keep up with either.
Since most my stories are about the Realn who are for the most part, human, elf with maybe a dash of alien here and there, I can get away with it for now.
Also, what is the end goal of your plot? Reuniting the galaxy and reversing what Grathmere did while working with him? I recommend making Grathmere somewhat morally relatable (think Edmund Dantes from The Count of Monte Cristo)
I honestly have never thought about it. I think the most good Grathmere can do is to destroy his allies and accept the forgiveness of Alpha. Certain parts of Grathmere will never change, for instance, he only hunts and slays his direct servants because they tried to kill Alpha (almost did too). He also would rather run for the rest of his life, than give up, and he will forever try to hurt the Realn in small ways. Grathmere has been hard and cruel for so long that not even Alpha has escaped his torture. Only Leahae never saw his cruelty. While he may no longer murder Realn, it doesn’t mean he won’t hurt them.
For those reasons and thoughts, I don’t think my end goal will be a restoration. I’ll have to think on it.
Idk, except the first three, the books never seemed like a series to me, especially Alpha Slit which doesn’t even have Grathmere behind it so far.
I’ve been meaning to read this for a while and I finally got to it!! I only got to read the first chapter, but my brain is too dead to give any valuable feedback right now. Love it so far!!
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
Hi!
I just wanted to let you know that I finished reading the second half of chapter two, and I’ll get started on giving you my thoughts, sorry this has taken so long!
We crazy people are the normal ones.
Hi! I finally finished the critique!
Evening came, leaving the Banorian landscape lit by flickering torches under a deep blue sky. The trees still rippled in the wind, but they were now just dark shadows.
Nahim walked away from where he had left Mandin, the Ward in the annual meeting at the close of this festive day. He was invited by Mandin, but Nahim knew by the look in Master Milcah’s eyes that this was a Ward meeting only. Instead, Nahim declined and walked under the blanket of Banorian stars.
Why did I promise to tell Mandin everything?
Nahim kicked a stone, watching it clatter and cast shadows by the light of the torches. He’d had flashbacks to Laxan before, where he could smell again his mother’s cooking, or the smoke as lava ate away at dead bodies. Hear the laughter of his siblings, or hear the screams of the refugees. See the blue eyes of his mother, or the six dark ones of Vorgan. He’d been back in those memories as if he were reliving them.
He’d had dreams, many started out nice, but then always ended with Vorgan, and with a mysterious black figure cloaked in fog, light reflecting off his eyes and nothing else. The Traitor. The Wenbor. He’d always wake up in a sweat, sometimes screaming, with Mandin leaning over him.
Now, after four years of hiding that day that shook his life, he was going to tell it? Let it slip out? It didn’t seem quite right. How would he even start?
[This is a good scene change, but you could move some of this around and make it a little more concise, as an imperfect example:]
*** [added these to show passage of time]
[Nahim kicked a stone, watching it clatter and cast shadows by the light of the torches as he walked away from where he had left Mandin at the annual Ward meeting on the close of the festivities.
He may have been wandering through the Banorian landscape, but his mind was in Laxan, where he smelled his mother’s cooking, and the smoke as lava ate away at dead bodies. Hear the laughter of his siblings, and the screams of the refugees. See the blue eyes of his mother, and the six dark ones of Vorgan.
He’d had dreams, many started out nice, but then always ended with Vorgan, and with a black figure cloaked in fog, light reflecting off his eyes and nothing else. The Traitor. The Wenbor. He’d always wake up in a sweat, sometimes screaming with Mandin leaning over him. Maybe he would know something about the Traitor if he asked… it would be ironic if he could’ve sought and achieved his revenge within the four years he’d hidden this part of his life from the world. What would Mandin do with him now? Would he still be his friend?]
Pushing away his thoughts Nahim sat on a platform for one of the bands, the instruments still lying there. He reached over, grabbing a violin.
[would there be an other-worldly alternative to this? Saying it’s a violin isn’t bad, but I recommend adding something that makes it sound a little more sci-fi-ish]
He plucked its [the] strings with his fingers, felt the bowstrings, and ran his fingers over the instruments smooth wood.. He rested it on his shoulder, and played a sad note, the bow slowly [would remove this word] screeching [I would try another word, like humming] over the strings. He played another note, the lamenting song slow and almost painful. He closed his eyes, letting the song sink into his heart, like a water into a bowl.
[alternative idea: He played another note, the old song slow and almost mournful. He closed his eyes, letting the tune pour from his heart, filling the silence of the night]
He lost himself in the music, swaying slowly side to side as he played, and humming a low song with it, the words unable to be picked out.
[try: He lost himself in the music, swaying gently as he played, lyrics springing to his lips as if they were conjured.]
He never noticed the approach of his audience, for Mandin was quiet. Wiping his blond hair away from his eyes, and crossing his arms, Mandin watched the younger Realn. The only words he caught were bits,
[I would recommend removing Mandin’s pov here and going straight into the next paragraph]
“Thou min lanan Laxan…florain ata sayka…lanan Laxan hon na towerae ra cuble an na eotle min nater vara ain hais…Thou min lanan Laxan…florain.” [I don’t know the meaning of these words obviously, but I recommend removing florain as it breaks the rhythm of the sentence]
[here’s an idea on how to tell us Mandin’s here:]
[“You’re just full of secrets aren’t you?”
Nahim’s song stopped abruptly as the bow jolted across the strings. He looked sheepishly at Mandin as he set the violin down, saying:]
“I thought you had to be in that meeting.”
“Ugh, just formalities and tradition!” Mandin waved a hand dismissively in the air. “I heard ya out here, and decided to join you.” Silence fell between the two men. Mandin came and sat beside Nahim, waiting for him to speak. He looked absently at the stars above. [I should just tell him and get it over with, Nahim thought, gripping his leg.]
[maybe try: Nahim’s fingers dug into his leg. Where should he start? How could he explain all that had happened?]
“I,” He let out a deep breath. “I survived the Laxan invasion.” Mandin quickly turned his head, his brown eyes wide and staring into the visor of Nahim’s helmet.
“Do tell.” [what if Mandin asks how he survived?]
“My family, died, one by one.” Nahim looked at the ground, fiddling with his fingers. “I was fifteen, and watched my younger brother, my older brother, my father… I watched them die.” Nahim shivered. He blamed himself for his younger brother’s death. He was supposed to protect Larin, to usher him from the city. He was helpless to save him.
[Try this maybe:]
[“My family didn’t survive.” Nahim looked at the ground, fiddling with his fingers. “I was fifteen, and watched… I watched them die. King Vorgan and his brother killed them.” Nahim’s hands curled into fists, his uncannily youthful voice glitching as he said, “I tried to save them, but I failed.”]
**“Knihan had battled Vorgan, protecting the Nayhelm land as he vowed, ’’Till breath has departed or my Lord has no need of me.’ He was stabbed by Vorgan’s brother from behind, and his death was a painful one. My father met almost the same fate as Knihan, killed in a crooked fight. What stabs me deepest was I never heard my mother’s last words, and never learned her fate. All I saw was the dead body.”**
[I understand that Nahim is trying to share here, but the paragraph I put asteriks around bloats this high-emotion scene. Emotional scenes need build-up (which you did), I recommend keeping the finer details out, since Nahim seems to not be comfortable sharing this, or just narrate the flashback. KP actually has a pretty good article on writing emotion somewhere, I think it was pre-hiatus (they had a temporary hiatus a few years ago, I think partly because all the original leaders of KP aged out and moved on to Story Embers) I’ll post a link to it if I can find it. Also, look up The Emotion Thesaurus by Angela Ackerman and Becca Pugslisi (2nd edition if you can) which can help give you some tips, they have several other books as well that are also great, but while they are professional, do keep in mind some parts will be from a secular perspective, and there could be some triggering forms of content referred to, but not delved into from what I’ve read of their work]
A long length of time spanned as Nahim remembered his family, their fates, his father’s last words leaving his dying lips.
[maybe try: Nahim composed himself under his helmet, stealing a glance at Mandin, who sat motionless, staring at the meeting hall carving an outline against the night sky, listening.]
“In anger, in revenge, in hate, I killed Vorgan’s brother, the same way he killed my own brother. In anger, I called a duel to Vorgan. He accepted, mocking how young I was and how easy it would be to chop my uncovered and unprotected head. The duel lasted a couple minutes I think, but it felt like it spanned for hours. It didn’t end with winner or loser, for a large earthquake like those that shook the city all day, threw both of us off our feet. A deep chasm opened beside where we were fighting; an endless abyss. I gained my feet first, bringing my sword down on Vorgan’s three left arms. He thrust up at me, one of his swords piercing the Mithweve over my throat. By some miracle, it didn’t kill me, only pierced my voicebox, but while trying vainly to avoid his thrust, I fell down the chasm.” Nahim paused. Mandin lay a hand on his shoulder. Nahim took in a deep breath. “I don’t know what happened, one minute I was falling, the next I was floating on nothing but air. I found myself suddenly on the edges of the city, away from any danger. After that, I just wandered around as a Trader guard of Aracite crystals. Then to the training academy, then bounty hunter.” Nahim sighed, shaking off Mandin’s hand and standing up. He looked blankly up at the sky. And Ehyeh let it all happen. He killed them. Nahim’s hand fisted.
[perhaps try:
“I slew Vorgan’s brother, the same way he had mine, then tried to kill Vorgan himself in a duel. He accepted, mocking me for my youth. But the earthquakes that were happening separated us before he could do more than what he’d already done.” Nahim touched his metallic voicebox, feeling his friend’s hand on his shoulder as his mind filled with images from that day. “A chasm opened up and I fell – I don’t know what happened, one minute I was falling, the next I was floating on nothing but air. I found myself suddenly on the edges of the city, away from any danger. After that, you know the rest pretty much.” Nahim sighed, shaking off Mandin’s hand and pacing, “But the worst part is that none of that day happened by some dumb luck the Nanians had.” his voice rose in volume, “Someone let them in, someone let my family die. I don’t know who, but I, the last Nayhelm, let him walk –” Nahim’s voice glitched and he started to cough, gripping his metal throat. As Mandin stood to help Nahim held up his hand, recovering, “I let him walk free of consequence every day by no choice of my own.”]
[“But Nahim, what about your eyes?” Mandin’s voice was a pure vein of curiosity.
“The mystery of why my sclerae are so is unsolved. I am full Wondian and I am full Realn. In my veins, there is no alien blood nor that of the Nameless Things. Red irises is a mutation that can occur once in a century, but I have never heard of another with eyes like my own.”] [If Nahim’s eye color affects him visually alone and is a known genetic mutation, but dosen’t affect anything else, then probably have Mandin be less confused by this, maybe he knows it’s a realn mutation, but is surprised to see it because it’s so rare, or known to be a sign of royalty]
“Wow, and I thought just having the Last Nayhelm as a friend was special. I’ve got a Red Eye, and the only Laxan Invasion survivor too!” Mandin chuckled. It stabbed Nahim to the heart that Mandin said it so lightly, but he knew his friend had meant no harm.
“Yeah.” He replied quietly. Mandin stood, coming up to stand by Nahim. He set his hand on Nahim’s shoulder.
“Hey, I’m here, for whenever you need to talk to someone.” Nahim dropped his shoulder and took a step forward, causing Mandin’s hand to slip off.
“I can talk to myself.” Mandin’s soft brown eyes filled with concern, and his blonde eyebrows, barely visible, furrowed.
“’Hiding a burning ember only causes more of a fire.’ Aden Florain.” Nahim rolled his eyes. They remained there until Master Milcah quietly came and scolded Mandin for leaving the meeting. Mandin sighed and went back with his father.
[I would say that Milcah is Mandin’s father at the start of this section, if possible]
[It’s weird to me that Mandin is guarded about himself, saying that he can talk to himself but Nahim saying he can talk to him at anytime. Seems like Mandin wants to know everything about those around him, he comes across as nosy and a touch hypocritical, even if he’s caring, but I’m not sure who’s saying what here]
This part is pretty good, but I do have a few suggestions:
- I feel like this chapter is a little early in the story if you aren’t going to use is as a way to thrust Nahim into the main plot. I recommend this conversation give Nahim information that springboards your plot. Maybe Mandin is able to give him some direction on where to find the traitor? Think about what this chapter’s purpose is.
- As I’ve read this so far, I feel that it might serve the story to start it a few hours before the invasion over the end of it, or, you could start with a day in the life of Mandin and Nahim as bounty hunters, have Nahim be invited to the festival, he goes against his better judgement, and he winds up finding a hint on the traitor that springboards him into searching for him with Mandin.
- I do like what I’ve read so far, and your world sounds great and what you’ve got for your plot is a good start, but I recommend trying to find the objective of your story, and how you can get all your characters to a satisfying end before anything else.
- Find a way to simplify your plot and characters. I like your idea of a decades-spanning story following a specific family, but you might be setting yourself up for burnout and a bloated story with too much complexity to keep track of. Complexity is good, but is not only difficult to pull off, it also can overwhelm you, your story, and your reader. You might not be ready to write a story of such size and span. I recommend finding a way to keep it simpler, like combining Nahim and Alpha’s characters and stories into the same one. This trimming down can help you focus on the core of your story, give you a clearer trajectory, and make it easier to keep track of.
- Think of a definitive message and theme to tie your story together. From what I can tell, your story is about crises of faith (your theme). What truth are you trying to say about that (your message)? What lies do your villains believe about those crises of faith? What about the antagonists and side characters? How do their stories reflect that theme and message? How can you tie the theme and message into the world?
- Figure out specific end goals, for your beginning, start of the action, the midpoint, and the ending, and work from there.
- As an example, in my WIP (it’s still being workshopped)…
- I knew I wanted it to start with my MC Angus finding and capturing two trespassers (a teen elf named Grey and a human princess named Pris) in his home, and discovering that he and his long-lost girlfriend (Lenora) have been either blessed or cursed (depending on the perspective – I’ll call it a blurse) with immortality.
- This prompts him to join the two tresspassers on a journey to where his gf now lives, in hopes to be with her and deliver the both of them from the clutches of a mysterious ‘inventor’
- and from there I established each Character’s goals:
- Angus wants to find and save Lenora
- Pris wants to ensure the safety of her mother after her father’s murder.
- Grey wants to find his kidnapped family
- I had my beginning, then I promptly went to setting up my midpoint, since it would be easier to backtrack from my middle and end than just start with no goals in mind.
- For my midpoint, I decided that I would upend this goal by having it be revealed that Lenora is the inventor, and that Pris is her apprentice and betrayed Angus and Grey (albeit against her will and conscience as she’s motivated to protect her mother), and that Grey is now held captive and will die in a matter of time to power an ancient dark magic item that Lenora uses.
- So after this, the character’s goals change, Angus now has to find a way to save Grey and the other captive, and end Lenora’s reign and break their respective blurses.
- Meanwhile, Pris struggles with her conscience versus her sense of self-preservation, and chooses to defy her aunt and save her people, instead of doing whatever she’s told so she can prevent her mother from being killed, and she manages to free many of the people her aunt had captured.
- I haven’t figured out how, but they also must find a way to destroy the thing that Lenora uses.
- They reunite sometime later, and initially there’s a lot of distrust towards Pris, but she proves herself trustworthy and truly remorseful, and together they come up with a plan to take down Lenora by performing a cou (I don’t know how to spell it right, hopefully you understand lol) and succeed when Angus sacrifices himself to destroy the invention that’s powered he and Lenora’s immortality, thanking Pris and Grey with his last words.
- After, there’s a timeskip a few years into the future, and it shows the city that Lenora once dominated now being cared for by humans and elves who decided to stay over going back to where they were from, ruled by Pris’s mother, and a council as Pris pursues her education and researches archaeology. And Grey now travels as a sort of ranger who helps where he can, and shows him returning to the city and spending an evening with Pris, an ending meant to show who they’ve become as adults and how Angus influenced their lives for the better, that his life, pain, and sacrifice were not in vain.
- My theme is about moving on from tragedy, and my message is still being workshopped lol, but it definitely revolves around how helping others, being open, and forgiveness and sometimes reconciliation are what’s needed to heal (including time, don’t forget about time). I’m still largely workshopping it, and as a writer, I barely qualify as an advanced beginner, or early intermediate with my own stuff lol. (and I’m a hobby writer, not a career writer)
- Lenora’s arc is about refusal to move on, or moving on by clinging to the wrong things.
- Grey’s arc is something about helping others, and growing up. But it’s still being workshopped.
- Pris’s arc is similar to Grey’s, where she needs to open up, and she needs to help others over herself and know when to let things go, but I’m still workshopping hers.
- Angus’s arc is about reopening himself up to accepting love, learning to forgive, and how suffering is not meaningless.
- As you can see, I have some form of goal for the big events in my story, and the character’s destinations emotionally as well as physically. Then from there I can work out the smaller events in between, starting big and going down to the smaller details, doing what I can to ensure it fits my message. (That doesn’t mean that inspiration can only come from big events in a story, I was just drawing one day and doodled a grumpy old soldier, a short curly-haired princess who looked innocent, and a tall lanky elf who looked cooler than he actually was, and boom, I had Angus, Pris, and Grey, and I needed to know what happened to them.)
- I also started small with my characters, only having four initially, and creating side characters as I needed them. I found this was much less overwhelming for me as opposed to previous WIPs that quickly had way too many characters for me to keep track of.
- Basically, my whole early time writing was aimless and without clear goals. I wrote scenes I thought were cool and came up with stories that were too complex for me to write, and only had one very poor novella with a crummy ending, some poetry, and a couple short stories to show for it while trying to go about massive projects the wrong way for someone who is a novice. Now, I’m trying to keep my story as simple as possible to communicate my plot, characters, and theme, while learning how to properly create a plot for once in my life lol.
- I hope me telling you my process for now helps, writing is hard, and I am far from a master of the craft.
- Also, there’s an old video series on here about writing/structuring a novel, and if it’s still on the site, I’ll link it for you, as it could help you when plotting.
- When characters are having a conversation, make sure the paragraph changes when a new character is talking, as an example:
- Pris pulled a tray of cookies out of the oven, smacking away Grey’s hand. “They’re too hot to eat.”
- “I know.” Grey crossed his arms, his eyes locked on the cookies as the smell filled the house.
- Pris set them on the table as a crash sounded from the other room. She frowned. “what was that?”
- Grey shrugged, “I think that there’s a cat here – he might’ve gotten into our supplies.”
- Pris hurried into the other room.
- Angus poked his head around the corner, grey gave him a thumbs up and he snatched a cookie from the table and popped it into his mouth, chewing as Pris returned, hands on her hips.
- This is more a personal preference, but I would love to see more variations/mutations for the wondians. Like scales, feathers, maybe even wings. Beyond just having elves and dwarves, think of how your races might adapt to their environments. Like a race in a giant forest developing prehensile tails.
- Also, think of a core attribute that makes your world distinctive from ours, for example, in my WIP, water is the blood of their God figure, and it has magical properties that permanently changed their world, almost like magic is radiation. (horses are now unicorns, etc.) Even if I haven’t worked out all the details.
- Remember to go deeper into a detail about your world versus broader, for example, in Star Wars the magic revolves around how certain people can harness the energy of the universe, it explores the use of the force exclusively from a magic perspective, and every ability is use of the force to an extent.
- Finally, please excuse my shameless info-dumping about my WIP lol.
All in all, you are off to a good start. You have your ideas, which is the most important first step. You just need to have a clearer vision of what you’re doing and where you’re going, and trim down where you can to keep the story easier to follow, write, and pack the biggest punch. But you are working with great potential here! I really hope all this helps you, encourages you, and makes sense.
As a sidenote, I’d love to see more of your story, but in future I don’t know how in-depth I can go on my critiques because I’m trying to do a lot right now, and most of it is art-related over writing, but I’ll try to help you where I can as I’d love to see where you take this!
We crazy people are the normal ones.
this one may help, I’ll go look for some others, I can’t find the old stuff 😪
We crazy people are the normal ones.
Here’s another one, I hope these help! (they’re what I can find lol)
We crazy people are the normal ones.
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