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@scoutfinch180 I know I haven’t replyed yet, but i got a idea and am trying to run with it, plus I’ve been sick. @whalekeeper @grcr @jonas @hybridlore
Chapter 2: Nahim, the Last Nayhelm
the first part
“Nahim. Nahim!”
Mandin waved his large hand in front of his 19-year-old friend’s hidden face. “Nahim, what’s up?”
Nahim seemed to be the only silent audience sitting in the crowd of Realn, whoops and cheers erupted around them in the packed stands leaning up to the sky.
Down below, in a large silver circle at the end of a long, winding path from the city on the horizon, stood a triumphant hero next to her speeder of green with lightning stripes of blue. She waved her gloved hand to the crowd. A large smile blessed her face and the look of pure joy in her hazel eyes exclaimed she had been waiting for this day since her childhood. Behind her also waved the four other winners of this race, who had finished after her.
The many flags of dragons and heroes thrashed in the strong winds of the planet Banor. One great standard stood out above all: the bust of a gold dragon. The fierceness of his face was accented by his slit reptilian eyes and the various shapes of his scales, along with the silver and bronze streaks. On his chest was a round stone of sparkling blues, pinks, purples, whites, silvers, and speckles of gold.
It is hard to describe THE stone, the crowning jewel of the Realn. If you have ever looked at it once in your life, you will remember it to the end of your days. A light seems to come from each color, giving it a magical, enchanting look. Even this flag made by the Realn, this Realn symbol, did not serve its beauty justice. But none has seen this jewel since it was enclosed in the Labyrinth, at the beginning of the Nanian war, as is custom when the emperor dies or steps down.
In front of the winner’s circle, set jetting out into a crystalline lake, the young Lord Nahor sat in his own private place with his newly-wedded wife. The couple were overshadowed with dragon wings, and a large orange dragon head rose above, as if it were a real one of the great beasts in their rock-like state of watchfulness. The Realn standard that I have before described to you was set above the head of the dragon.
As if a figurehead, a depiction of a woman, half-armored in the special armor of the Realn, stood at the front of the Lord’s Seat, the dragon’s orange-red tail curled around her feet in wide circles. The expression upon her face was as vivid as life, a look of determination, of courage, of a will, a look that could bring her enemies to a halt, a queenly expression. Her hair flowed back in a wave of blond-red curls, and her light blue dress flowed in the wind of Ancient Wond. Her left hand was raised, as if to stop an impending doom. That was Empress Budeca, one of the greatest empresses who ever lived.
She had reigned in one of the golden ages of the Realn, when their name was the fear of their enemies and the joy of their allies. When they ruled the seas, air and the land, when they had a place on almost every piece of land on their side of the great Wond. When they showed they were small in number, but great in power. Only the Addawnai could drive them from their shores. Today was her birthday, celebrated by the family-clan, Ward, for ages, in wartime or in peace. She was the Mother of the Ward. Thousands of years had passed since her death, but still her memory remained in the hearts of her people, she was the woman that any young Ward girl strove to be.
Behind the great dragon that shielded the Lord of the Ward, and behind the sparkling water rose the Banorian trees. Their trunks rippled from root to leaf in the wind, as if a wave of a sea. Every bow was burdened with tender leaves and sweet flowers, streaked with a mixture of blues, oranges, and whites. The scent that hung on the air was sweet and like unto a rose and an apple blossom, wonderfully blended together. The trees wrapped around one side of the lake and behind one side of the stands, halting at the large rock that served as the foundation for various shops of various streaks of the color palette, offering things to buy. Behind this was a long road that led back to the rising city.
But it wasn’t any of this that captured the attention of Nahim, it was thoughts. He stared blankly through his visor at the winding course from the horizon that the many speeders had taken. His eyes did not even flick toward the joyful winner, who now received her metal prize, nor to the Ward standards that waved now with ferocity, feathered wings around THE stone.
Mandin could hardly take everything in; he had been here year after year for 26 years and he still couldn’t believe the palette of colors, every one imaginable. What does Nahim think of all of this? I know he has never seen such a Banorian festival.
“Nahim, what’s up? You overwhelmed or something?”
“Huh?” a quiet voice, as if in another world answered.
“What do you think? Why didn’t ya enter the speeder race? You’re good enough.”
“Nih, you never met my brother.” His monotone voice was wistful, as if he longed for something to happen, or to be as it once was. Mandin raised his black eyebrows, interested in what he hoped Nahim would say next. Nahim deeply inhaled before saying, “Banorians know how to add color.” His voice had suddenly become more light-hearted than usual.
It was not what Mandin hoped he would say.
“Kinda a culture thing.” Mandin ran with Nahim’s change of subject., hoping that doing so would make Nahim more willing to talk.
“Funny how I’m of a totally different family-clan that no longer exists, and a Laxorian where we don’t usually like to throw all our colors into one big thing, and you invite me to an extremely Wardian? Festival. Not to mention the fact that the clans are divided since the death of our emperor,” they both pressed a fist to heart, “I might as well be a Wardian myself!”
“You finally figured it out!” Nahim gave Mandin Ward a playful punch on his shoulder.
“Sorry, I’m Laxorian through and through.” A slight chuckle escaped Nahim. He was in high spirits today.
“Then why don’t you ever go there?”
“How do you know I never go there?”
“Well, you’ve got this fear of flying, and you’ve forgotten that in the last two years since we teamed up, you’ve never even asked to go there. Oh, and don’t forget, you were at Father’s academy for a year and never left. So, why don’t you go there?”
“That topic is not for bright colors.” Mandin, give me some space, I don’t want to talk about it. “This place is as bright as an elven New Year. Who gets the colorful job?”
“A lot of the women of the surrounding area and even from across the Ward territory prepare for this holiday. Usually there is a Lady Young Budeca, usually one of her direct descendants that has no pollutions from aliens in their lineage. This year it happens to be Lady Aileen.” They both looked to the dragon box for Lord Nahor and his lady as the crowd around them rose and slowly dispersed for the other festivities of the day. “Speaking of no alien blood, I’ve never quite understood what you are.”
“Guess Wondian man with a dash of elf and you’ve got it, my friend. C’mon, I’m curious what other Banorian Wardian surprises await.”
They rose and walked with the crowd into the open space of the nearby stone platform.
“You do realize that it’s ‘Ward’ not ‘Wardian’ that should be used in any sentence of the sort you would put the incorrect word of ‘Wardian’ in?”
“Now I do.” Mandin laughed his hearty laugh. Nahim remained steady. His grave personality seemed like iron sometimes; today the forge of gay colors seemed to soften it more than usual.
“Nahim, I still think you should have joined the speeder races. Your speedering is excellent.”
“My brother’s speedeering was exquisite.” A small point was made on the last word.
“Speedeering? What kinda of a word is that?”
“The same kind as Nayhelmic.”
“Which is?”
“A correct Nayhelmic term.”
“This is what I get when I’ve gotta have a Laxorian for a friend,” Mandin laughed, he matched his friend’s speed as they entered a diligent place where the stands were now open for business. Laughter and festivities went on around them. “But, who was your brother?”
“That topic is not for such colors.”
“It never seems to be for dark colors either,” Mandin mumbled. “C’mon, sometimes you need to just talk about things. I’ve got seven years of experience on you, and that experience told me that sometimes I needed to tear Dad away from his papers and trainees to talk about something. Or even to tear my childhood friend from her books to talk about anything.”
Nahim tilted his helmet at the mention of “her”. “You have a female childhood friend?”
Mandin caught the hint in Nahim’s voice. “Friends ONLY. Don’t you go getten’ any ideas. Anyways, what I’m trying to say is, talk about your past to someone, I’m not sayin’ me.”
“You may have the seven years, but I’ve had the fire. You know I don’t have a family, no father to pull from his daily duties. No mother to pull from her daily baking. No brothers to pester. I never had any sisters.” Nahim’s voice was unusually wistful as he spoke, and it sounded like he had broken out in a smile at the word “pester”. “All I’ve got now is a good friend that I believe I would go to the edges of the Galaxy for even if they wouldn’t for me. Though, who am I talking about? They would.”
“Then talk to him.”
“That dragon figurine is missing something.”
“Now you’re just changen’ subject.”
“Yep.”
“Well, guess I’ll just pester you some more.”
“Your father is over there.”
No sooner had Nahim spoke than Mandin’s father set down the dragon figurine he was studying, noticing the two of them, and called to Mandin.
“Then I guess I’ll go over there for a few minutes; don’t disappear.” Mandin veered off to his parent, Nahim turned and went towards the far away edge where the strange trees ended.
So unique, like the tall trees of his beloved Laxor.
He relived looking over the landscape around his home, the volcanoes at one end, the Laxorian forest to another, and the last side walled by the tall grasslands with its sharp blades. He half-smiled at the memories of the wonderful time when the three suns, Diala, Leahae, and Lahoom, had set all at once, their light blending together to make the most romantic and gorgeous sight Nahim had ever seen touch the grasslands of his home. Alin’s voice sounded in his mind.
“Wouldn’t that look great from the sky? Sunlight dipping the blah grasslands in paint. Huh Nahim? Can’t you just see it?” His mother giving a soft smile as she rested her head on his father, her hand over her swelling belly. That was so long ago, yet the memory was sweet and clear as if straight from the time.
He reached the edge of the shops just as the sunset of Diala began. Nahim’s eyes scanned the horizon through his helmet’s dark visor. To his left, blue-gray grass bowed to her Majesty the Wind as her long train swept across the plain with the magnificent king of the Day Sky, Diala, casting out his last cape of orange.
With a sudden realization Nahim remembered that it was Haye 9th, 10,018 GA, the fourth anniversary of the Laxan invasion. This was an anniversary of tears and death for him, and the fact that only Nanians survived made it worse. King Vorgan had survived to continue the war. And the traitor was still unknown.
Ehyeh, Why? He did not pause any longer but passed under the peaceful shade of the boughs.
Nahim Nayhelm was lost to the scene. The bits of light from the suns came down onto the ground, filtered to green, blue, orange and white. The wind rippled up the trunks, making the filtered light shift and change every second. For an instant, Nahim wished to be one of those leaves or one of those flowers so that he at least would have a family. He was a Lone One now. The Nayhelm family was dead. Another ‘Why?’ to be directed to the Realn God.
How can you create something so perfect and make something so devastating? I always thought I understood you, but now, I don’t know what to think. I’m alone, in a fog of thoughts and pain, and you are nowhere to bear it with me.
Maybe Mandin was right, after all this time maybe he should tell someone; he needed a direction to go. Maybe telling his story would make them like brothers instead of just this friendship that was deep, but yet not the laughing, joking, pestering relationship that Nahim always had with his siblings. On his own, figuring out the whys and the questions, he felt becalmed without an ash breeze.
He pushed aside his previous thoughts, wishing to instead think of the current beauty around him. He eased himself down onto the leaf covered, and flower speckled ground, crossing his legs to watch the shifting light.
For the first time in a long time, he lifted his helmet and set it beside him in a pile of fallen flowers. His black hair with misbehaving wisps of multicolored light-dyed hairs fell on the back of his neck. He closed his eyes and took in the fragrance of the many sweet flowers.
The burning smell of a forge.
Bits of dainties that Nahim did not recognize.
The bustling of the crowd behind him didn’t bother him much as he sat away from the edge of where they were, all alone. People raised their voices in Realn, but Nahim did not listen to the conversations; he was in another world of peace.
The wind was cool and the scent of more flowers and places far away, of a sweet purity as if after a rain, caressed his face. Little merry breezes played in his hair. His low-melanin face was stained by the fading rays from Diala. And Leahae would soon be falling too. Here was his peace.
For a while there he sat, his mind thinking of nothing, but the place around him, and how pleasant Banor could be.
“I told you not to go anywhere.” Mandin was half-laughing.
Nahim turned around suddenly, forgetting his helmet rested in the flowers beside him. Mandin froze, a look of shock in his features.
“What is th –– ” A lock of hair touched Nahim’s face. ‘Oh, no.’ “Mandin, I can explain.” Mandin’s uncovered face had gone pale.
“What kind of trick is this?”
“No trick.” Nahim lowered his eyes to the ground. Mandin had seen them; Nahim’s secret was out. “Please, don’t tell anyone, I will explain everything to you later.”
“Everything?”
Nahim took in a deep breath. Did that mean Mandin wanted to hear about the long-pried-for past that Nahim hid from his sight? Was that raised eyebrow a look of hope for what he wanted Nahim to answer? Yes, it was. He sighed; maybe this was destined.
“Everything.” He lifted his helmet out of its cradle of white, blue, and orange streaked flowers. Pulling his hair out of his way, he slid it back over his head, once more hiding his eyes.
He then stood, casting a look over that peaceful spot, before turning to go with Mandin back to the stone platform.
Mandin walked beside him, but he was not thinking about the light-hearted things that his friend now commented on to lift the tension. He had always wondered what the face was that always hidden either by his helmet, or by a dark speeder mask. Now he had seen it, and he didn’t know what to think.
Nahim could be considered handsome, with a strong nose, a somewhat square clean chin, bushy black eyebrows down close to his eyes, yet not too close, and a mature look to his cheek bones, beyond his age.
Mandin felt it matched, and yet didn’t match his voice, which lacked some of the deepness that he himself had. But that wasn’t what bothered Mandin so.
Those eyes had looked straight into his own, those black pupils, red irises and… red sclerae. How could someone of man and elven lineage have such eyes?
"You need French Toast."
#AnduthForever (hopefully 💕)The only thing I noticed was this:
“Nahim, I still think you should have joined the speeder races. Your speedering is excellent.”
“My brother’s speedeering was exquisite.” A small point was made on the last word.
“Speedeering? What kinda of a word is that?”
Mandin used “speedering” first, but then he calls Nahim out on the word when he uses it.
🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of BooksYou have not noticed the spelling. Mandin said “Speedering” Nahim said “Speedeering”. Nahim pronunciates it as speed-dear-ring with his Nayhelmic accent.
"You need French Toast."
#AnduthForever (hopefully 💕)Oh okay. Maybe make that more obvious somehow. You could spell in speedearing, which looks more distinct. It’s easy to not notice when the only difference is the repetition of a letter.
🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of BooksI’m sorry to hear you’re under the weather! Are you feeling better?
Would you like me to give you my critique on this?
Also, with the whole speedering versus speedeering, you could also try speed-deering or something along those lines, as if Nahim struggles with ‘ur’ sounds, changing them to ‘ear’. where else does his accent show? Does wording sound off? how thick is the accent? what grammar mistakes does he make, if any?
We crazy people are the normal ones.
Uh…depends on your definition of “better”.
Yes, I would like that.
His accent shows in random places, since he sometimes suppresses it. His wording every once in a while may sound off since he is a Nayhelm, and they often have a thing I call ” Nayhelmic terms” that are basically how they specially pronounce certain words. His accent is the thickest when speaking a language that is not Realn, since he has the double accent of the Realn language, and his Nayhelm one (if that makes sense). Grammar mistakes? Not sure. The intro of these terms are new to Nahim’s vocab, since nothing of the sort was in my first draft.
You may find grammar mistakes in Mandin’s speech, and when you meet a later character named Akin, you will even find him saying things backwards!
BTW, I never thought about Nahim having trouble with certain sounds, but that seems logical. I shall do some research and make a list. Thank you 🙂
"You need French Toast."
#AnduthForever (hopefully 💕)You’re welcome!
Also, depending on his original language’s use of feminine and masculine pronouns, he might associate sexes to certain objects, like referring to a speeder as a she maybe?
We crazy people are the normal ones.
Yeah, I really need to get going again on my Realn grammar. I have random words, some essential rules, and an alpha bet that needs work, but otherwise nothing.
"You need French Toast."
#AnduthForever (hopefully 💕)This chapter really hooked me! I’d love to see where it goes!
Thanks, I like strong beginnings and endings when reading, so I try to do that 🙂
What themes/messages are you pursuing?
It’s kinda a “coming back” story mainly. Nahim doubts God (called Ehyeh) a lot, questions Him, so on. Nahim is a Christian, but rn, he’s having a tough time. I chose it for a few different reasons, one being I don’t often see this type of story,cuz usually it’s more “charrie is not saved, questions God, resolves with salvation” and mine is harder than that in my opinion. The other reason is very personal, and most people don’t know cuz I hide it very deeply…
you include ships exploding, but what else outside of bug aliens would hint at the technology of this world, is there machinery in Nahim’s armor? is there blaster-fire?
I’d describe my sci-fi as one step above Star Wars tech in most areas. There is machinery in Nahim’s armor, and there is blaster fire, though you mostly see gungedals, since in my opinion, they are better.
Does Nahim lose his voice permanently? if so, I think that is really cool! It’s a perspective I’d love to see, and you could get really creative with it and could be used for so much!
Since you’ve now read the first part of chapter two, you now know the answer.l?
I don’t know how the rest of your story is, but always think of the full implications of such things as dragons with healing salivaare they hunted and farmed for their saliva?
are scientists trying to research and create more powerful versions of the saliva?
are they considered obsolete to technology in other places and people groups? or are they coveted?
are the dragons sentient?
try to stick with as little words as possible for dragons, since it sounds like you use several for the same creature, and could lead to some cunfusionFirst, Leavar are technically not dragons. I’ll try to post a pic sometime. That’s why the strange and varied wording. There is no word in the English language to describe them. The Leavar are sentient, maybe even possibly rational. They are not hunted, since they are the friends of the Laxorian clans. Though, they are studied. To a Laxorian, they are pets and friends, to someone like a Banorian, they are just pets. Also, the Leavar is only native to Laxor. I’ve got a lot on them, but I think this post is getting long, soi think I’ll dedicate a post to them. Time I actually typed out the stuff anyways 🙂
are the bug aliens sentient? why did they attack lavar? were they wanting the dragons for their saliva? is is a strategic position
Nanians work creepily similar to the bugs in Starship Troopers by Robert A. Heinlein. I say “creepily” cuz I created them months before I had even heard of Starship Troopers. Normal soldiers are controlled by superiors, and those superiors are controlled/commanded (superiors, especially higher rank ones do have some free will) by their superiors, et cetera. They have THE Queen, and they have King Vorgan and that’s the top. Long story short, yes, they are sentient, gut only superiors are half rational, and only Vorgan, THE Queen and Vorgan’s brothers are rational.
They attack Laxor because Laxor is the humble host of The Labyrinth. Before the Nanians forced the Realn to war, they assassinated the Realm emperor, knowing the famous line:
“Divided we stand, divided we fall. But if united we stand, WE WILL NOT FALL!”
This line describes the Realn in two states, without their emperor and with their emperor. By killing the Realn emperor, they hoped to force the Dragon into war while dealing a heavy first blow. Why do they want war with the Realn? Because of a grand scheme set by Grathmere (shiver at the name!). That’s another long story, that includes revenge, a son and father war, and the wish of destruction on the entire Realn Empire, forever.
Anyways, the Labyrinth is the only way a Realn can become Emperor, and if the Nanians seized it, they could never have to worry about a rising Realn emperor. They attacked Laxan specifically because it was in the way, and it was the Nayhelm capital.
Does that answer your questions? Feel free to ask more.
"You need French Toast."
#AnduthForever (hopefully 💕)Ok so I totally gave you my thoughts on ch 2, but they didn’t post 😭! I’ll try again lol, but it might take me a while.
It does! I’m also asking these questions to help you flesh out your world a bit more, since I know having someone to bounce off of can help a lot, and so you can get some ideas for where to take the story if you’re struggling to have a clear idea, since I’m not sure of everything you need help with.
Yeah, I really need to get going again on my Realn grammar. I have random words, some essential rules, and an alpha bet that needs work, but otherwise nothing.
That’s ok! I think that working on the grammar and some basic words and picking names or coming up with names from a certain nationality (eg, in my WIP, I’m going to try and pick Irish names for one people group, Greek names for another, and my elves have a mix of made up names and things having to do with the forest and some subtle (hopefully) homages to the elves I made up as a kid).
Basically, unless you really want to, you can hint at different languages, but from what I’ve seen of your story, you can get away with subtle grammar, a handwriting if you really wanted (Calligraphr is a website where you can make your own fonts) and that should be good. But this is the opinion of someone who’s not a professional writer by any stretch of the imagination and only knows the first 2 chapters of your story, let alone anything about language besides a year and a half of Spanish and two decades of English a least (I’m an SE forum refugee lol), so take what I say with a giant salt lick and use what’s pertinent to you and your story.
It’s kinda a “coming back” story mainly. Nahim doubts God (called Ehyeh) a lot, questions Him, so on. Nahim is a Christian, but rn, he’s having a tough time. I chose it for a few different reasons, one being I don’t often see this type of story,cuz usually it’s more “charrie is not saved, questions God, resolves with salvation” and mine is harder than that in my opinion. The other reason is very personal, and most people don’t know cuz I hide it very deeply…
Cool! I only ever read one ‘coming back’ story I think, and that was the final book of the eagle of the ninth trilogy by Rosemary Sutcliff, but it was extremely subtle because her main character was emotionally closed off for a big portion of the story. It’s a great trilogy, and I highly recommend it :). And, I totally get keeping some personal reasons to yourself, especially on the internet, but I don’t recommend hiding things that bother you deeply and sharing them with someone you know trust like a parent, relative, or dear friend, bottling will hurt you in the long run.
I totally understand personal reasons, I always almost need to add a personal element to WIPs to keep them invested. Don’t be afraid to put elements of yourself into stories (not like a self-insert, as much as allowing some of your own experiences, thoughts, emotions, and struggles to be shared with characters and themes), and use them as a way to take a new look at things of your own past or questions you have and turn them into inspiration, as long as you are not giving into rage, depression, or bitterness, since that will translate into the story and will hurt you overall.
I saw in Chapter 2 that you were a little on-the-nose with Nahim questioning God. Show, don’t tell, isn’t a hard-and fast rule (You can’t really show passage of time, it would take too long lol) but do keep in mind that this is a huge thematic as well as emotional part of your story, getting into Nahim’s mind is good, but he’s saying (thinking) this outright too early in the story. Let us see it instead of telling it. Like how you didn’t need to tell us that Mandin was kind and freindly, if not a little too nosy in his efforts to help. Does that make sense?
What scenarios can you show that Nahim is questioning God, or is outright angry at him. does he let his mind wander when others are praying, not wanting to give a god he thinks cares nothing for him any attention? Is he impatient to leave church and is fidgety? what if there’s a blessing ceremony at the festival and Nahim walks away from it, not caring to watch? You can hint at Nahim’s worldview, ingraining it into his body language and personality, and have him circle back to trusting God slowly, having a better understanding of who God is.
Maybe have his understanding of God be linked to something the readers can see, like an ability (eg a prophet that sees clearer visions of the future when relying on God) or even being better in his relationships (Nahim perhaps being more patient with Mandin, or letting himself be vulnerable), or a skill he has to learn (like a slower hobby such as gardening, he needs to learn patience and that things sometimes have to die for the greater good of the garden as a whole? but I don’t think you intend for this to be so slow).
Remember, when engaging in emotional topics, you need to build it up slowly to a release, but be careful with the timing as your story requires it. Think of some examples of high-emotion moments in stories you like, the Wingfeather Saga and Artham’s arc especially make for a good example, there’s often a sort of emotional buildup before a big emotional moment or plot-oriented moment happens. How does Nahim respond to suffering he encounters after his home was destroyed? does he think it’s because of a lack of care? does he think it’s purposeless, or that he did something to deserve it? Has he reached a point of apathy?
I’d describe my sci-fi as one step above Star Wars tech in most areas. There is machinery in Nahim’s armor, and there is blaster fire, though you mostly see gungedals, since in my opinion, they are better.
What is a Gungedal? is it basically a gun?
Look into railguns, they are basically really expensive modern blasters.
What noises would the mechanical armor make? what are it’s strengths? weaknesses? what does it do? remember, Nahim is wearing this a lot from what I can see, where is it’s power coming from? what happens when it runs out of power? Remember, you’re writing a sci-fi as well as a fantasy, and you include a lot of good fantasy details, but outside of ships, aliens, and speeders, what other technologies can you add? internet? robot servants?
First, Leavar are technically not dragons. I’ll try to post a pic sometime. That’s why the strange and varied wording. There is no word in the English language to describe them. The Leavar are sentient, maybe even possibly rational. They are not hunted, since they are the friends of the Laxorian clans. Though, they are studied. To a Laxorian, they are pets and friends, to someone like a Banorian, they are just pets. Also, the Leavar is only native to Laxor. I’ve got a lot on them, but I think this post is getting long, soi think I’ll dedicate a post to them. Time I actually typed out the stuff anyways 🙂
How about calling them fire salamanders as a descriptor and referring to them afterward as Leavar? what other aliens exist? would they want to hunt the Leavar? what about Banorians? if they view them as pets, then why not they consider them as lower-value? I don’t know what other creatures you have in this world, but do keep in mind how different people groups, as well as individuals that are both good and bad, treat the Leavar. Even in America, where dogs are considered pets and freinds by most of the population, people still abuse them and treat them as livestock or worse, and in Korea people farm them for food, as well as having them as pets. Even people groups have had the same treatment tragically (Like the Irish, enslaved Africans, and the Israelites/Jews… just, people in general that are weaker than some others.) How much does interplanetary travel cost and how long is it? Is it worth it for poachers if they exist?
If the attack on Laxor was for the Labyrinth, why is the Labyrinth so important? Who is willing to betray a much better society for an insect hivemind and big bad evil king? what would motivate them to do this? is it about power? why do they want that power? how can your bad guy mirror something about your main character? (E.G. Villain has no friends and chooses to be alone and do things relying on his own power, but hero relies on the power of friendship and defeats him using teamwork (forgive my corny example lol))
Maybe Grathmere has some similarites to Nahim? like Grathmere betrayed a higher power he had a deep bond with because he was angry at them for something they did for his own betterment? (Maybe Grathmere had something he really loved that was taken from him because it was bad for him?) he dosen’t have to be relatable ofc, but do make sure that your villains retain some level of nuance. Even the most villainous of the villains in Wingfeather Saga have certain levels of nuance to them, such and Gnag thinking he was unloved. (THIS CAN ONLY GO TO A POINT THOUGH, MAKE SURE THAT THE VILLAIN’S EVIL IS NOT CONDONED)
Is the Labyrinth considered a lost cause because it’s nanian-infested now? is the queen the only sentient nanian? can a nanian be good?
We crazy people are the normal ones.
*Bangs head against wall* I’m sooooo sorry for using the word gungedal! It’s the dwarven word for gun in my world, and is abbreviated as gun sometimes in the story, but I love the longer name, so I accidentally use it a lot.
Look into railguns, they are basically really expensive modern blasters.
My brothers have an obsession with hard sci-fi rail guns rn, just they can’t really be handheld, though I’ll talk to my big brother about designing one, that’s a neat idea!
What noises would the mechanical armor make? what are it’s strengths? weaknesses? what does it do? remember, Nahim is wearing this a lot from what I can see, where is it’s power coming from? what happens when it runs out of power? Remember, you’re writing a sci-fi as well as a fantasy, and you include a lot of good fantasy details, but outside of ships, aliens, and speeders, what other technologies can you add? internet? robot servants?
I slowly reveal more and more tech as I go. As far as Nahim’s armor, it makes no sound. It is the traditional armor all Realn wear, and the tech inside is more installments like IR sight systems and such. Some Realn have totally mechanical armor, but Nahim actually has a slight dislike of tech, so he has traditional. Mandin also has traditional bc of his father. The power is stored in crystal power cells inside the armor. They store energy for a long time, and Nahim rarely uses his tech installments, so they last even longer.
The traitor’s name I shall not reveal yet, since that would ruin a big twist I have waiting in like… Chapter 23, but his family is at stake, plus he was promised a pieceo f Grathmere’s empire.
Concerning Grathmere…
Hold on, I need to go find something…
"You need French Toast."
#AnduthForever (hopefully 💕)Just pulled this from another forum…
I
I shall now tell you about the biggest Realn Antag in all of Wondian History, Grathmere. (By the way, you should tremble at that name.)
Now I turn over to Ru Eis who has researched Grathmere a lot. She has traveled through many ages following the lives of many Wondians, but Grathmere is one she is interested in and even loves…
A young Nameless Thing sits in the starlight of a barren land. He has not come to his full power yet, but he is still more powerful than others of his race of Creatures.
His form was originally like that of a man, of great stature and with the long tail of a snake. His fingers ended in great curving claws. His eyes were the definition glowing white.
He grew great in power. Years upon years he lived in the high mountains of a island off of the Snake Head, the land of the Shyiads. He married a Nameless Thing not as great as he, and had ten children. The life of Happiness was the life of this immortal being.
But it was never to be forever. Vessels came to his island where his race dwelt. How the fight began between these new half breeds of men and elf and those magical immortals is unclear.
Cursed now is the word of ‘Realn’ on the lips of Grathmere. For his family died before his eyes, and his race went extinct before its time. Only one did he shelter, only one could he save. The Daughter of Diamonds, but a babe by man standards at the time, was saved by her father. Over her sleeping form did the vow form on his lips,
“They die, or I die. But not my child.”
She would grow to never know her father as the monster he now became.
He chose his form again, being a Shapeshifter, as that of the elven folk, but with eyes like darkness, or like lava. His hair was straight and blacker than night, his face as pale as cooled coals.
Ages upon Ages did this great being grow his army of any who would obey his smallest command. Ages upon Ages did the Realn fight against the only thing that now willed to destroy the greatest Empire of men. Ages upon Ages peace was nowhere in sight. Ages upon Ages Grathmere plotted his victory.
Finally came the day when Grathmere reached for the Galaxy. A paradise planet he claimed for his daughter, still innocent of the blood her father had spilled upon the grounds of many lands, to rule. And again history repeated itself with a different twist.
Years upon Years Grathmere built his alliances. Years upon Years the Realn fought what they thought was many separate wars and not one great one. Years upon Years peace was barely in sight before clouded from sight again. Years upon Years Grathmere was almost ready for victory.
A new Realn Emperor arose, one not ready to rule. One who only rose as a rally point. He was chosen for a devious a cruel plan from this Emperor of all against the Realn.
A child was created in a lab, one made with the mixed blood of Grathmere and this new Realn emperor. He was to be raised to be the first to go into the sacred city Rea of the Realn. His mission: kill this new emperor. He was to be killed slowly by one who bore his own likeness!
But this new son of Grathmere was captured by his enemies, and raised by the one he was to kill.
And the end of this long tale of hatred and war still postponed. The very own half-son of Grathmere hates him to death. Alpha’s goal of life is to see the blood of this immortal to blanket the ground. He hates him even more when he discovers he is his father.
The story of Grathmere has a choice of two endings, death by the hand of his son, or life spent in making up lost moments with the last of his family who he has almost rejected in his lust for revenge.
But for life one thing must happen:
Alpha must forgive.
I love my antag even though he has directly or indirectly caused the worst things to happen to my favorite characters.
Alpha does forgive.
Anyways, what do you think?
"You need French Toast."
#AnduthForever (hopefully 💕)Is the Labyrinth considered a lost cause because it’s nanian-infested now?
The Naians never found it before they were driven from Laxor. Not even most Realn know where it is. If you want, I can go into its lore, but that’d be a beautifully lengthy post.
is the queen the only sentient nanian?
Her, Vorgan, and Vorgan’ brother, Non.
can a nanian be good?
At the end of Guardian Angels, the Nanians are pronounced extinct and the Realn are tossed into another war almost immediately, in fact, half of the Realn are currently fighting another war at the setting of this book. But, in Returns, a book with the MC being Alpha Grath (Grathmere’s son), as Grathmere shows his hand, the Nanians appear, tenfold. United the Realn finally are, but they are soon to be crushed…until the Kings and Queens of the Nanians become good, subsequently causing all of the Nanians to turn with them, and fight Grathmere. Only if the King and Queen become good can the Nanians become so.
"You need French Toast."
#AnduthForever (hopefully 💕)This is a great Villain! he’s got a solid personality, values, and reasons why he does what he does. I think I know who Alpha is though😉😉! My one caution is not to let him off too easy for what he did, even if it was out of revenge, and why did his race get killed off in the first place? did they have a bad reputation?
We crazy people are the normal ones.
Also, keep in mind that Forgiveness is letting go of the right to avenge, Reconciliation is repairing the relationship.
Reconciliation isn’t always necessary or wise, as it also hangs on the remorse of the transgressor. but Forgiveness isn’t dependent on that, as you are letting go of what the person did to you and no longer seeking retribution. Does that make sense?
I don’t know if you’ve watched/seen Avatar the Last Airbender, but if you have, there’s a great example in that show if you have.
We crazy people are the normal ones.
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