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@rochellaine 😀 I think it’s also partly because Chara reminds me of a good friend of mine, who is also small (she jokes about it a lot 🙂 )
Oh dear yes. EMP. Maybe I should orient myself with an actual map. 😛
I'm a Kapeefer 'TIL WE'RE OLD AND GREY!
www.jennaterese.comI really like this! You have managed to bring across Chara’s fear and panic very well. There are some minor edits and rephrasing I think might help make the writing stronger but overall I think it’s good.
Just one thing… Can’t Chara just find a rock or something to break the car window so that she can open the car door to get the water inside? Then she’ll also be able to get in the car to use the GPS to check which direction she should go.
@valtmy Thanks! If you request edit access you can put the edits directly in the comments if you like. But you don’t have to. 🙂
Yes!!! If she had just told Uncle Bill that she couldn’t get to the water he would have told her to break the window. I’m planning to have that discussion later in the book. 😀 Just not right now. Right now she’s panicking and can’t think straight, so she doesn’t even consider that.
But she still wouldn’t be able to use the GPS, anyway. She can’t turn the car on, since Uncle Bill has the keys. And besides that, I haven’t decided what kind of car Uncle Bill owns, but not all cars have built in GPS systems. Chara’s smartphone has a mapping app, but it won’t work because there’s no signal in the mountains. (Yup, I’ve thought this through. 😉 )
"Sylvester - Sylvester!"
@rochellaine Thanks so much for thinking of me! I’d love to help you out (though I think everyone els who is helping is far more qualified then me anyways) but I think I’ll pass this time! 🙂 (editing kind of scares me!) Again thanks so much for the offer though!
and I was so confused
@kaya-young @jenwriter17 @valtmy Thank you all so much for your comments! I haven’t finished editing the last section yet, but I have the next section done if you’d like to read it and edit it for me! 🙂
@ariel-ashira The offer to let you edit it still stands, but if you still don’t want to, you can read it anyway. 😀I put in the last part where Chara faints from the heat, just so you all can remember where you are, and then here’s the next section!
I’m going to be going out in about half an hour or an hour, so you can request commenting access, and if I get it before I leave I’ll allow you to comment, but if not, you might have to wait until tomorrow since I won’t be home until about midnight. 😉
"Sylvester - Sylvester!"
@rochellaine I LOVE it, love it, love it!!! Your characters are so awesome! I like how you describe things, while not making it boring. I love this scene!
Um, by the way, can I just say what I think and not be afraid? If you are hurt by something I say, can you just tell me, and I will do the same for you?
"In a mask, was he?"
@rochellaine Yay! 🙂 I have to let you know though that I probably won’t be able to get to it this week (same for yours @seekjustice); life is busy at the moment. But I look forward to reading both of your writings! 🙂
I'm a Kapeefer 'TIL WE'RE OLD AND GREY!
www.jennaterese.comSo, I’ve been reading through your novel and I’m really liking it so far. I’ve read a couple of the comments the other guys have made on here as well, but I haven’t read all of them, so my apologies if this has already been said before.
I’ve been thinking about Chara’s disorientation and the way she isn’t confident about being able to travel and do things by herself. I’m also a fairly disorientated person (like, I’ve lived in this rural town of about 25k people since I was 5, so almost 13 years, and I still walk the wrong way to the post office–this literally happened to me the other day, and my brother was like “Where are you going? you’re posting a letter and the post office is in the other direction!” so I get where she’s coming from.) and I’m a very cautious, not necessarily unconfident, but definitely not like other people who just know what they want and go get it. But I don’t think that my lack of confidence comes from not being able to remember my way around town.
The impression I get when I read your novel is that Chara is not confident simply because she gets disorientated easily. I’m don’t think that’s what you’re trying to get across, but that’s what comes across (to me anyway). I think if you wanted to portray Chara as being insecure and lacking in confidence, you could show that in a few ways. For example, we know she gets easily disorientated and that makes her nervous to go out by herself, so she always carries a map, GPS, phone etc. But also other things, because she doesn’t seem to lack confidence in anything but directional matters. I lack confidence in everything. Like that scene where she goes to the bakery and talks to the cashier, if she really does struggle from an actual lack of confidence, she’s probably all ready counted out her money (three times) and double checked to make sure the sandwich does cost that amount and she’s rehearsed what she’s saying to the cashier. She might find it harder to talk to Derek when she first meets him than she seems to, and then constantly rehashes what she said to him and how he looked and how she looked and what she said a hundred thousand times to make sure she didn’t say anything horribly embarrassing and to try and work out exactly how he was feeling and what he was thinking–you get the picture 😀
One more thing. I’ve heard other people say, and I’ve experienced it for myself, that you might have a stunning lack of confidence when it comes to yourself but as soon as someone else is relying on you, then you find yourself able to do things you never would have thought of. (I hate talking on the phone and will avoid it all costs, even with my friends. But once I found a dying kangaroo which had been hit by a car and then I was literally ringing up strangers from the wildlife service so that they could come and put it down). Maybe that’s more my personality, I don’t know.
Anyway, this has descended into a ramble and I have no idea if I’m making sense at all. But if you didn’t understand any of that, here’s the bottom line: Chara’s lack of confidence should extend to all areas of her life, not just those that have something to do with directions, this is something I struggle with too and I commend you for writing a book about it, and you could probably think of it as a lesser form of anxiety. (I don’t think I have anxiety, as in the mental disorder, but I definitely spend a large part of my time feeling anxious).
Phew, this is so long. I hope at least some of it makes sense!
INFP Queen of the Kingdom commander of an army of origami cranes and a sabre from Babylon.
OK I’ve requested access! 🙂
@seekjustice Thank you for your comments! 🙂 I totally understand what you’re saying, and you’re actually right in what I should be writing.
My problem is this: Chara is me. 😛
More correctly, she is me – but two years ago, when I was still insecure about my height and really wouldn’t do anything on my own. I’ve grown up considerably since then, so though I still get disoriented really easily I now am more confident with meeting strangers and taking care of my siblings, and think nothing of talking on the phone at any time. (Last week I called up like ten different bookstores to ask about possible book-signing events. 😉 )
So, at first glance, it would seem I have a really easy time writing from Chara’s POV, since she is me, and I will know all her thoughts and feelings, but since I want her to journey through the same things I did, I started her emotionally where I was two years ago, so now my thoughts aren’t the same as hers anymore! I find myself accidentally making her more confident, as I am now, instead of a trembling little girl who longed to be taken seriously, but was held back by her fears.
So you’re right, her lack of confidence is not supposed to come just from her being disoriented. Part of it is supposed to because she is troubled by her lack of height, and part of it is just shyness and overthinking things. I know what you mean about the last, because I have myself lain in bed for hours going over and over conversations, knowing if I had said two words differently everything would have gone so much better, but crying because it was too late. And I want Chara to do that too! But…I have a hard time planning it all out.
One thing about Derek is that he’s based on a couple of guys I’ve met who just ooze confidence to the extent that no one around them can feel embarrassed. Once, about three years ago, I was horribly embarrassed about something, and then I met this guy who shook my hand confidently and in a friendly way, and suddenly I nearly forgot I had been embarrassed earlier. (*checks sentence* Nope. No one could figure out who I’m talking about from that. It’s ambiguous enough. 😛 ) But, now that I’m thinking about it, I probably should have a scene between the Hoover Dam Bridge scene and the hiking scene where Chara imagines how she could have prevented the flying backward, shouldn’t I? That would probably work really well. (You did read all the parts right? So I’m not just talking about something you’ve never heard of? 😀 )
Oh, I was just talking about that to @ariel-ashira this morning! 🙂 Though I get disoriented easily, I never get disoriented if I’m taking care of my younger siblings, because I go into “protective mode” and forget about myself. And though I rarely introduce myself to strangers in a large gathering, I will introduce my siblings to strangers with no qualms! So yes, I understand where that comes in. I haven’t quite figured out how to put it in my book, though.
Haha! That post office story is hilarious! I do similar things all the time! Whenever I go out with someone I never remember where the car is after we come out of the store or whatever. Usually I don’t even see the car even when we’re right next to it, and sometimes have even walked past it without noticing.
Okay, I’m going to copy you and ask if anything I wrote above makes sense? Again, thanks for commenting! I consider your input worth a lot!
"Sylvester - Sylvester!"
Yeah, that’s me in a nutshell, except I’ve never felt insecure in my life (at least, I didn’t until the boys I used to wrestle with and tease because one of them was shorter than me, shot up and towered above me). And yes, I’ve also got a lot more confident as I’ve grown up and forced myself out of my comfort zone. But I used to be sooooo shy and I still am really reserved.
knowing if I had said two words differently everything would have gone so much better
I’m just going to laugh and pretend I do not know what that feels like. Also, if a guy does something chivalrous for you (like sheltering you from the wind on top of Hoover Dam), then I become so anxious I don’t know what to do with myself and I start questioning absolutely everyone in the room’s motives–particularly the guy’s–and I’m pretty sure I can’t get a sensible word out. Especially if I’d flown backwards and already been embarrassed.
Adding a scene like that could be a really good idea! (I haven’t read the hiking scene yet, just the first and last scenes), but obviously I do know that they go hiking.
(I still get disorientated and told that I’m going the wrong way when I’m looking after my brothers and sister, but I feel much more confident about going the wrong way).
And yep, it makes perfect sense! And I do understand the struggle of trying to write someone who’s not like you now but like you were.
INFP Queen of the Kingdom commander of an army of origami cranes and a sabre from Babylon.
Whoops, that first paragraph was supposed to state that I had never felt insecure about my height. 😛
INFP Queen of the Kingdom commander of an army of origami cranes and a sabre from Babylon.
@rochellaine How often can I agree with you, and you still believe me?!!
And yes, I have difficulty portraying my characters that are like I used to be. Its comforting to know you used to be unsure, as well, because we are confident now but I still feel I backslide sometimes.
Am I making any sense, or am I just rambling because I feel relieved? 🙂 Okay, laugh. Im laughing. Im tierd. 😛
"In a mask, was he?"
@ariel-ashira What time zone do you live in? 🙂 Oh, and I meant to reply earlier…please do give me any comments you have on my story! I won’t be hurt or offended or anything. I’d just be sorry if you were too worried about that to comment. I would love to have your true opinion!
So…what have you got? 😛
"Sylvester - Sylvester!"
@rochellaine Okay, thank you! Only I may have to give you my thoughts tomorrow, that is if I think of anything. I am Missouri time. Lemme check what that is.
"In a mask, was he?"
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