@trailblazer
Active 1 week, 2 days ago- Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
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Sorry I’ve been MIA… I just started a YWAM school this week so I’ve been really busy and haven’t had time to read anything on here. I’ll try to get to it sometime if I have a chance! If you need me just tag me so I see it and hopefully can get back to you sooner!
"Real love is for your good, not for your comfort." -Justin Whitmel Earley
Hey, quit jumping ahead here! lol. would it interest you to know that Julius and a Praetorian may or may not be having a little conversation right now?
Haha okay I’ll be quiet and let them have their discussion XD
"Real love is for your good, not for your comfort." -Justin Whitmel Earley
I agree with @theshadow, I would love to see more of how Marcus and Flavia’s relationship develops rather than just being told that it did. I also feel like I don’t know Flavia very well- I know you describe her when Marcus is thinking about her and talking to Caius, but I want to see it in her rather than just be told it about her.
There is also a section of dialogue towards the beginning of the chapter that could be broken up a little more with action or description of the setting- eg, the flickering of the torches cast bouncing shadows on the walls, or something like that.
And lastly, this is just an idea that popped into my head and doesn’t necessarily need to be inserted in this chapter- it might fit better in a different part of the story. But Julius is easily in a position where he could betray Marcus and turn him over to the Praetorian. I feel like he’s probably too loyal for that, but in the heat of his emotions, it could perhaps be a brief thought that passes through his head, and leaving the readers wondering if Julius might actually do it would be a good way to add some tension to the story.
"Real love is for your good, not for your comfort." -Justin Whitmel Earley
Is that bad that Thaddeus seems mature, but then there are also glimpses of him being childish, or do I need to go with one or the other? Also, are there particular times when what he says seems overly mature?
I don’t think it’s bad to show maturity and then have him resume normal childhood behavior. It just seemed like he was swinging from extremes a little bit- from speaking like an adult to then sleeping on Flavia’s lap, which to me seems more like something a six-year-old would do. I don’t usually see ten-year-olds doing that, but I could definitely see him leaning on her shoulder or something.
Ah…. Do you think that would be confusing? I thought it would be self-explanatory who he was talking about because of the context, but maybe not? Do you think I should change it?
I think that would depend on who your target audience is and how much they understand, but for the sake of consistency, I’d say just use Jesus or Dragon Slayer, or if you decide to keep Prince of Life, maybe do something like this the first time you mention it: Jesus Christ, the Prince of Life.
As for Marcus, I think I’ll have to see some more of the story play out before I have more thoughts!
Really? I feel like I’m going super slow….. lol. yesterday felt a little more like my normal game. My record was twenty chapters in one day. I was sick though, and so didn’t have to do anything else that day.
That is fast… when I’m sick I usually don’t feel well enough to get any writing done at all. I’m not usually counting my writing by chapters at first though, but still.
"Real love is for your good, not for your comfort." -Justin Whitmel Earley
I am finally jumping on here but I’m still sort of undecided which WIP I want to highlight… I feel like most of my WIP’s are either incomplete or I haven’t fully fleshed out the plot yet… or I’m considering turning into a series rather than one book but don’t really know yet. OK, I think I know which one I’ll do. Here we go! I don’t have a title for it yet (I don’t like titling things until the very end).
1. Summarize your project in a paragraph or two! Like on the back of a book.
Nebraska, 1883. Thirteen-year-old Libbie Hopkins is leaving the only home she’s ever known and journeying westward with her family for a fresh start in the Midwest. Libbie is unprepared for the challenges they will face, but those challenges push her into friendship with Etta Culliver, the daughter of a family they journeyed with. Together the girls face the frontier, a stern schoolmaster, and a bully, becoming nearly inseparable- until unforeseen circumstances drive a wedge between them. Libbie must make a choice- will she realize how valuable the friendship is and rebuild bridges of trust, or allow her own stubborn pride to separate them forever?
2. Who is your hero, and why? What is their personality?
Libbie Hopkins is the MC. She tends to see the bright side of things, and can be a bit of a tomboy, as she spends a lot of time with her brothers. She has a stubborn streak and holds grudges easily, but most of the time she has a sunny disposition and friendly nature.
3 What is your story’s genre?
Historical fiction
4. Who is your favorite character to write and why?
Well, I think I’d say Libbie, because she’s my main character and the one I’ve developed the most. But aside from her, I’d say either Etta or Albert (sister and brother). Etta is less outgoing by nature, so I relate to her well, and Albert is just a lot of fun to write.
5. If your project was a combination of colors, what colors would it be?
Probably a mix of golden, red, and blue hues… prairie vibes, you know?
What outer plot is your protagonist/s dealing with?
The challenges of settling on the frontier, building a home, planting crops, facing the variable weather changes, trying to fit in to a community.
If you were plopped into your project’s universe, would the characters love you or hate you? Why?
I get along with almost everyone, so I doubt they’d hate me.
How did your project begin, and/or how much has it changed? Why do you think that is?
I was a huge fan of Laura Ingalls Wilder as a child, and still enjoy that time period. I had actually started a different historical fiction and then got an idea to write stories in different time periods with that MC’s descendants. This is the only story that actually made it past a few paragraphs. It hasn’t changed much since it began, because I really didn’t have much of a plot to begin with. It sort of just took on a life of its own.
"Real love is for your good, not for your comfort." -Justin Whitmel Earley
Just a few quick notes-
-Thaddeus is ten, but sometimes he seems older (which is fine for him to be mature for his age, but sometimes it sounded like an adult talking) and sometimes he seems younger (when he is sleeping with his head in Flavia’s lap).
-A couple times when Caius is sharing the Gospel, he used more than one name for Jesus without telling Marcus (Dragon Slayer/Jesus is fine, because he mentions it, but I noticed randomly he referred to Jesus as the Prince of Life. Since I’m familiar with Christianity, I picked that up to mean Jesus right away, but for Marcus, who isn’t aware of all the different names for Jesus, he might think it’s another character in the story and be a little confused).
-I also feel like Marcus comes to faith really quickly. I think there could be some internal conflict- this yearning to accept this faith, but also this hesitancy wondering how it will impact his life and his friendship with Julius. I don’t know the rest of your plot, but maybe Marcus returns to Julius’s house undecided on whether he is ready to fully commit to this or not, and then a short time later (a day or two) he just can’t shake it and finally decides he’s willing to lay everything on the line.
Also I don’t know how you crank all this out so fast! Sometimes I can write a chunk at a time, but never so much of a story in such a short time.
"Real love is for your good, not for your comfort." -Justin Whitmel Earley
I do think the second chapter was a little smoother than the first! The only thing that raised questions for me was Marcus questioning Ignatius. I think you did cause Ignatius to be a bit suspicious that Marcus was sympathizing with the Christians, but I feel like all the questions he was asking would raise a little more alarm, especially to someone who is used to hunting down the Christians. I could just be making a mountain out of a molehill, but that’s what came to mind.
"Real love is for your good, not for your comfort." -Justin Whitmel Earley
It’s fine on my end…
"Real love is for your good, not for your comfort." -Justin Whitmel Earley
Girl your suggestions were good, though! I haven’t done much research on starting off a book, so it sounds like you have more tools under your belt in that area than I do.
"Real love is for your good, not for your comfort." -Justin Whitmel Earley
*sighs in relief* Okay because I was panicking after I posted and then you posted that you really liked the fountain scene…I felt sooo bad lol
I think we were posting over each other… like I didn’t see your comments until after I posted.
"Real love is for your good, not for your comfort." -Justin Whitmel Earley
It did that to me the other day… where all the profile pics disappeared and then the format was all crazy. But like you said it fixed itself pretty quickly.
"Real love is for your good, not for your comfort." -Justin Whitmel Earley
Ok I love what @savannah_grace2009 just said about doing the whole colosseum scene first- that makes a lot of sense!
As far as the fountain scene, I think you could maybe still incorporate that later- maybe not the swordfighting, but perhaps during their conversation they’re sitting outside and the teasing turns into wrestling and they accidentally fall into the fountain? Idk just an idea.
"Real love is for your good, not for your comfort." -Justin Whitmel Earley
Just now saw your updated version- I love that fountain scene at the beginning! It made me smile because I can easily see my brothers doing that!
Julius inwardly berated himself for failing in such a simple thing.
This is just something I thought of as I was reading through- maybe instead of telling us Julius inwardly berated himself, you can show his thoughts. I feel like that would make it a little more personal and easier for the reader to connect with Julius.
"Real love is for your good, not for your comfort." -Justin Whitmel Earley
However, if Marcus came off as too young in y’all’s opinion then I can tone him down into a more mature guy. what do y’all think?
Hmm… I do have two younger brothers who are teenagers, but maybe they’re more chill than other guys their age. They do pick on each other and get on each other’s nerves, but in the case of someone interrupting the other person’s studies, it’s usually the younger brother annoying the older brother, which I think is why to me, it felt like Marcus was younger. It just felt like they weren’t quite the same age, if that makes sense. I think you can definitely keep some of the teenage craziness- like don’t make them these super mature guys that aren’t realistic- but maybe balance it a little bit. Idk how other people feel about it, it could just be my personal preference.
Ok, here is a question for y’all. Does it need to have action right in the beginning, or can it have a slower build, (like it did) when it’s coming to such an important and slightly climactic scene at the end of the chapter, (like it did)?
This might also come down to personal preference, but I think maybe what you could do is have some sort of hook at the beginning- like start the colosseum scene, but then before it builds too much, take Julius into a flashback or memory of his conversation with Marcus a few days prior to give a little bit of context. That gives a little bit of action to pique the reader’s interest, but then provides just enough background that the reader is not lost, before jumping back into the action. I’m not an expert in this area, so take my suggestions with a grain of salt, but I think that’s what I would do unless someone told me otherwise.
"Real love is for your good, not for your comfort." -Justin Whitmel Earley
Hey, look at that! You tagged someone! Yay!
I think you’re saying you read all the blog posts, correct? Not all the posts in the forums- because that would take an insane amount of time.
"Real love is for your good, not for your comfort." -Justin Whitmel Earley