[Mallory O’Bier]

I love the imagery the words create! Your style is very different from mine so I don’t know how helpful I can be, but I’ll try! 🙂

What meter are you using? (I’m not very familiar with meter so I have to ask.)

The rhymes are slant rhymes I think? They’re not exact. But it’s pretty consistent until it gets to the last stanza. I don’t think that “come” and “dawn” follow the same slant style as the other rhymes. The vowels are different. I can’t quite think of how to change it.

But for this stanza, I have a rough idea:

“Shard by shard He slowly builds

Varied hues where once was clear,

Shaped and cut – my window fills”

And softens the moonlight’s gleam ? (Again, I’m not sure I have the meter right, but…)

I hope this helps some! Merry Christmas, by the way! 😀

 

[Mallory O’Bier]

I love the freeverse (that isn’t freeverse) poem! 🙂 Absolutely! Tag me when you post that poem that’s giving you grief. @koshka

[Mallory O’Bier]

Now that I think about it, I’m really stuck on the edits so I might as well share what I’ve got here and see if you guys can’t help me get unstuck. I’ve made a few small changes that you may notice, but the main thing that I’m struggling with is settling on an ending.

I’ve written several endings that all have slight variations in words and lines, and I can’t for the life of me decide what sounds better! I’d love to know what you guys think of them.

And there’s always the option of no ending at all. That works too. 🙂

@acancello @light-warrior-pen @elanor (tagging you guys in case you want to see the edits, but no pressure)

The Moonlit Sea and Me

—-

Betwixt the stars and the moonlit sea,

A breeze and a wooden boat, is me:

Between a wondering and a thinking,

A silent gaze and a blinking,

Over a swell and a sinking feeling

Floats body and soul and boat on the sea

Of a wandering, lonely me.

—-

Whither to go, and whether to be:

To clasp chains to my heart or set free—

To sever the ties binding me

Or anchor them more tightly;

Taking life more seriously 

Or living a little lightly.

—-

Are flying birds truly free?

Or bound to find a place

To rest their feet,

To mate and raise a family?

And who is freer, lonely me?

Or the woman at home, a family to keep;

Caring for those she loves

And willing to be

The ballast of young hopes and dreams?

—-

And what dreams do I

Hold close in my heart?

Is the sailing of my boat a start?

Will this inky sea carry me

To a land of promise, a fairy—

Star my guide, or will 

The tide me and my boat bury,

Deep in the sand and depths unknown?

If I had wings, I’d rather have flown

And avoided this treacherous sea.

—-

But I am neither bird nor wife and my dreams

Are shining, a full moon tonight:

The darker my night, the

Brighter my dreams,

The more holes in 

My boat, the stronger the seams—

That hold body to soul

And boat to the sea.

—-

I seem so lonely,

My craft so empty;

But that is an illusion

The stars have cast,

For there are everyone 

I love, both present and past,

Urging me on through the moonlit sea.

—-

Betwixt my doubts and wondering

And thinking,

I crest a wave with a 

Rising feeling

For a pinprick of light, not of the moon

But of the sun, appears:

It will be morning soon!

—-

The light grows brighter,

And I awaken to find

I was dreaming the boat

And inky sea,

And all of the moonlight

Resides in my dream-filled

Soul in my body;

And my hopes aren’t 

Dark, but bright as the day,

Because the night’s shadows are gone

And I’m awake to pray.

(Ending Ver. 1)

“May the Author of hopes and dreams

Who rules the sea, my boat, and

Keeps the seams–

That hold me fast,

Who stays strong in my storms

My Anchor and Mast:

No matter the winds or how vast

The moonlit sea,

Never forsake the wondering soul

Of a wandering, lonely me.”

(Ending Ver. 2)

“May the Captain of hopes and dreams

Who rules the sea, my boat, and

Keeps the seams–

That hold me fast;

Who stays strong in my storms

My Anchor and Mast:

No matter the winds or how vast

The moonlit sea,

Never forsake the pondering soul

Of a wandering, lonely me.”

—-

(Ending Ver. 3)

“Dear Captain of hopes and dreams

Who rules the sea, my boat, and

Keeps the seams–

That hold me fast;

Who stays strong in my storms

My Anchor and Mast:

No matter the winds or how vast

The moonlit sea,

Never forsake the pondering soul

Of a wandering, lonely me.”

—-

(Ending Ver. 4)

Pray the Author of hopes and dreams

Who rules the sea, my boat, and

Keeps the seams–

That hold me fast,

Who stays strong in my storms,

My Anchor and Mast:

No matter the winds or how vast

The moonlit sea,

Never forsakes the wondering soul

Of a wandering, lonely me.

—-

(Ending Ver. 5)

To the Captain of hopes and dreams

Who rules the sea, my boat and

Keeps the seams–

That hold me fast,

Who stays strong in my storms

My Anchor and Mast:

Who, no matter the winds or how vast

The moonlit sea,

Never forsakes the pondering soul

Of a wandering, lonely me.

—-

(Old Ending)

Beneath the fading stars 

And the blushing sky,

Between a soft blanket 

And a feather pillow, 

I lie.

[Mallory O’Bier]

Thanks, @karissa-chmil! This is definitely one of my poems that I find myself going back to a lot and rereading. The atmosphere and imagery of it really draw me in, and I like pondering the meaning of it. 🙂

One of the edits I’m considering is possibly connecting some of the shorter, broken lines in the part of the poem you mention. It’s supposed to pick up speed and excitement as the poem progresses (and then slow down just as it finishes), and that’s the reason for the shorter lines. They don’t have to be as broken up as they are though. I’m thinking about it. 🙂

In my edited version I have altered the line “Are birds truly free?” to “Are flying birds truly free?” which not only lengthens the line a little but makes more sense to me with what follows. I think it transitions better as a result. What do you think?

Perhaps I’ll just divide it into stanzas too that match with the change of tone and rhythm. The poem goes through several phases, and it might flow better if it’s organized.

The hardest part is making the editing decisions. Editing poetry is always harder than other stuff for some reason. I have too many and too different ideas for changing things. XD

[Mallory O’Bier]

Thanks, @koshka! I love the layered meanings of words too. It was funny because I drafted it so hastily and impulsively that I didn’t even realize the full depth of meaning I had woven into the poem–until I was reading and rereading while editing. It was intentional and yet much of it was subconsciously done.

I just let all of the mixed-up thoughts and feelings flow out onto the page in whatever form they wished to take. The result was like revealing treasures that had been buried beneath the tumultuous waters of my mind. 🙂

You’re welcome to offer critiques if you have them! I’m still working on the poem, I’ve just been too busy (and also undecided on how I want to proceed with some of the edits I’m working with) to post it again for the next round of critiques. But I’ll make an effort to do so soon. I’ve been working on a new ending for it instead of the current one, and I think I like it better. 😀

[Mallory O’Bier]

Thanks, @koshka! That would be great. 🙂

I wrote this poem after my uncle’s passing. He was self-taught on guitar and left a few of the instruments behind (as well as many people who loved him).

[Mallory O’Bier]

Okay, I just deleted the old post from my feed, redid the post and reposted it. It worked. 🙂 @kathleenramm

I think it must’ve marked it as spam before because I edited it a few times? Not really sure. Weird.

[Mallory O’Bier]

Thanks, @whalekeeper ! 🙂

Hi, @kathleenramm ! I haven’t tried reposting it yet. It’s still hidden so far as I can make out. I see on my profile that I made the post, but it’s still marked as spam in the thread section.

[Mallory O’Bier]

Awesome, @acancello! I prefer that one too! 🙂

I’ll think about it for sure, @light-warrior-pen. 🙂

[Mallory O’Bier]

@avancello, your comments made my day! I’m so glad you like my poem! 🙂 It really makes sharing it worthwhile! I was seriously thinking about just burying this poem after editing it, but maybe I’ll publish it somewhere after all.

I’m actually considering altering one of those lines slightly, so I’m curious about what you think.

It would be changing–

“But I am not a bird nor a wife, and my dreams

Are shining, a full moon tonight:

To–

“But I am neither bird nor wife and my dreams

Are shining, a full moon tonight:”

Which do you prefer? 🙂

[Mallory O’Bier]

Endings are tricky, aren’t they? @light-warrior-pen ? Sometimes they come naturally and effortlessly, but most of the time they take a lot of staring at the WIP, then staring off at nothing, then staring at the WIP again, then writing gibberish, then…

[Mallory O’Bier]

Thanks, @elanor ! 😀

You grasped the concept of my poem perfectly! I’m glad you enjoyed it and found it relatable. 🙂 Because it’s very personal, I really wasn’t sure if anyone would be interested in it. I’m glad I decided to share it!

I’m still working on those last lines. I’m torn between fleshing them out and changing them a bit to better mirror the beginning of the poem, or simply cutting them entirely and ending the poem on “And I’m awake to pray.” Definitely giving both a try!

I’m doing a few small internal edits as well and hopefully will repost an edited version soon.

I just have to recapture the feeling I had when I wrote the poem…

[Mallory O’Bier]

Thanks, @light-warrior-pen ! I’m glad you liked my imagery. 😊

The subject is me, the author, and the boat and sea is a fictional, metaphorical dream I used to describe the feeling of living in myself, I suppose. (Although I was next to the sea when I wrote it, and I have been in wooden boats many times. My dad is a fisherman, so.)

I’m glad you pointed that out about the last lines. I’ve been working with those a bit because I’m not quite satisfied with them. I’ll see if I can’t make them a little richer! 😃

Thanks!

• This reply was modified 1 year, 3 months ago by Mallory O'Bier.

[Mallory O’Bier]

Nice poem, @acancello! And I like yours, @mineralizedwritings, and the Masked and Victory poems, @elanor. 🙂

I haven’t written any lately, I’ve been so busy with work. Maybe I’ll write one this weekend.

[Mallory O’Bier]

That’s fun, @elanor! 🙂

This is my most recent poem. Most of my poetry is brief in length. Usually, I get out an idea or a feeling and then stop.

 

Forgottenings

Sediments of nostalgia shape a place:

Like icing on a cake, wrinkles in a face

Aging, changing, but ever the same feelings,

Nameless emotions, memories stirring

Like ghosts, haunting, yearning, wanting—

To rise from their graves, unbecoming—

The mere forgottenings of time and space.

 

[Author]

Posts