The Moonlit Sea and Me

[Mallory O’Bier]

Thanks, @karissa-chmil! This is definitely one of my poems that I find myself going back to a lot and rereading. The atmosphere and imagery of it really draw me in, and I like pondering the meaning of it. 🙂

One of the edits I’m considering is possibly connecting some of the shorter, broken lines in the part of the poem you mention. It’s supposed to pick up speed and excitement as the poem progresses (and then slow down just as it finishes), and that’s the reason for the shorter lines. They don’t have to be as broken up as they are though. I’m thinking about it. 🙂

In my edited version I have altered the line “Are birds truly free?” to “Are flying birds truly free?” which not only lengthens the line a little but makes more sense to me with what follows. I think it transitions better as a result. What do you think?

Perhaps I’ll just divide it into stanzas too that match with the change of tone and rhythm. The poem goes through several phases, and it might flow better if it’s organized.

The hardest part is making the editing decisions. Editing poetry is always harder than other stuff for some reason. I have too many and too different ideas for changing things. XD

[Mallory O’Bier]

Now that I think about it, I’m really stuck on the edits so I might as well share what I’ve got here and see if you guys can’t help me get unstuck. I’ve made a few small changes that you may notice, but the main thing that I’m struggling with is settling on an ending.

I’ve written several endings that all have slight variations in words and lines, and I can’t for the life of me decide what sounds better! I’d love to know what you guys think of them.

And there’s always the option of no ending at all. That works too. 🙂

@acancello @light-warrior-pen @elanor (tagging you guys in case you want to see the edits, but no pressure)

The Moonlit Sea and Me

—-

Betwixt the stars and the moonlit sea,

A breeze and a wooden boat, is me:

Between a wondering and a thinking,

A silent gaze and a blinking,

Over a swell and a sinking feeling

Floats body and soul and boat on the sea

Of a wandering, lonely me.

—-

Whither to go, and whether to be:

To clasp chains to my heart or set free—

To sever the ties binding me

Or anchor them more tightly;

Taking life more seriously 

Or living a little lightly.

—-

Are flying birds truly free?

Or bound to find a place

To rest their feet,

To mate and raise a family?

And who is freer, lonely me?

Or the woman at home, a family to keep;

Caring for those she loves

And willing to be

The ballast of young hopes and dreams?

—-

And what dreams do I

Hold close in my heart?

Is the sailing of my boat a start?

Will this inky sea carry me

To a land of promise, a fairy—

Star my guide, or will 

The tide me and my boat bury,

Deep in the sand and depths unknown?

If I had wings, I’d rather have flown

And avoided this treacherous sea.

—-

But I am neither bird nor wife and my dreams

Are shining, a full moon tonight:

The darker my night, the

Brighter my dreams,

The more holes in 

My boat, the stronger the seams—

That hold body to soul

And boat to the sea.

—-

I seem so lonely,

My craft so empty;

But that is an illusion

The stars have cast,

For there are everyone 

I love, both present and past,

Urging me on through the moonlit sea.

—-

Betwixt my doubts and wondering

And thinking,

I crest a wave with a 

Rising feeling

For a pinprick of light, not of the moon

But of the sun, appears:

It will be morning soon!

—-

The light grows brighter,

And I awaken to find

I was dreaming the boat

And inky sea,

And all of the moonlight

Resides in my dream-filled

Soul in my body;

And my hopes aren’t 

Dark, but bright as the day,

Because the night’s shadows are gone

And I’m awake to pray.

(Ending Ver. 1)

“May the Author of hopes and dreams

Who rules the sea, my boat, and

Keeps the seams–

That hold me fast,

Who stays strong in my storms

My Anchor and Mast:

No matter the winds or how vast

The moonlit sea,

Never forsake the wondering soul

Of a wandering, lonely me.”

(Ending Ver. 2)

“May the Captain of hopes and dreams

Who rules the sea, my boat, and

Keeps the seams–

That hold me fast;

Who stays strong in my storms

My Anchor and Mast:

No matter the winds or how vast

The moonlit sea,

Never forsake the pondering soul

Of a wandering, lonely me.”

—-

(Ending Ver. 3)

“Dear Captain of hopes and dreams

Who rules the sea, my boat, and

Keeps the seams–

That hold me fast;

Who stays strong in my storms

My Anchor and Mast:

No matter the winds or how vast

The moonlit sea,

Never forsake the pondering soul

Of a wandering, lonely me.”

—-

(Ending Ver. 4)

Pray the Author of hopes and dreams

Who rules the sea, my boat, and

Keeps the seams–

That hold me fast,

Who stays strong in my storms,

My Anchor and Mast:

No matter the winds or how vast

The moonlit sea,

Never forsakes the wondering soul

Of a wandering, lonely me.

—-

(Ending Ver. 5)

To the Captain of hopes and dreams

Who rules the sea, my boat and

Keeps the seams–

That hold me fast,

Who stays strong in my storms

My Anchor and Mast:

Who, no matter the winds or how vast

The moonlit sea,

Never forsakes the pondering soul

Of a wandering, lonely me.

—-

(Old Ending)

Beneath the fading stars 

And the blushing sky,

Between a soft blanket 

And a feather pillow, 

I lie.

[Koshka]

@overcomer

Ooo, I do prefer Ending Verse #4. It continues in the same voice as the preceding poem, while resolving the whole thing in a smooth switch of tone. (If that made any sense)

I think it would benefit from a little more structure, it need not be much more than you already have.

But that’s all according to the artist’s interpretation. It is supposed to be free verse or a metered poem? Either way it is beautiful. (I especially like the beginning stanza)

First Grand Historian of Arreth and the Lesser Realms (aka Kitty)

[Koshka]

@overcomer

Oh, I’ve done that soo many times… the interesting rabbit holes we find. I believe the last one I fell down was the difference was Scottish sayings and proverbs. I didn’t find what I was looking for, but as I now can no longer remember what that was everything is fine. XD

Ah, freeverse…

Freeverse is a thing

That I cannot write.

I can’t get my words

Down in black and white.

The colors will get muddled

And all that you will see

Is a lot of meter

And a rhyming tendency.

Anyway…I understand struggling to figure out what one was even thinking when starting a poem. In fact, if you don’t mind, I have one that I have been working on for a while now (trying to make it make sense without becoming senseless) that I would like some help on. I may post it in a bit, after I get the first stanza put back together since I tore it to shreds.

First Grand Historian of Arreth and the Lesser Realms (aka Kitty)

[Mallory O’Bier]

I love the freeverse (that isn’t freeverse) poem! 🙂 Absolutely! Tag me when you post that poem that’s giving you grief. @koshka

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