Cloaked Mystery

@grcr

Izre

“Very well then,” said Izre. “I will keep searching.”

She started forwards again, passing the humans and turning the corner into the next hall. She glanced back at them. So far she hadn’t found any reason to trust them, but she also didn’t have any reason to distrust them. Either way, it didn’t make much difference.

“You may follow…[Read more]

@grcr

Sorry I disappeared—these past days were really busy…

No problem!

Izre

Izre’s eyes flicked to the second human, peeking around the corner with only her eyes visible. What were two random humans doing here? Though really, the real question was, what is this place? Nothing seemed particularly odd about it, except the fact that Izre had woken…[Read more]

@grcr

Izre

Izre continued down the hall. An occasional door lined the wall, but she had given up looking inside. All the ones she had tried had led to rooms like the one she had first found herself in.

As she glanced at another door, wondering whether or not to try again, she caught a flash of movement at the end of the hall. Her head whipped…[Read more]

@grcr

Yes, she was. I find her fun to right, and it had been since then since I’d RPed her, so I decided to use her here.

Izre

Izre returned to consciousness. She was crouching in an unfamiliar room made of stone bricks. It was something like the room she should have been in, but not the same.

She blinked in confusion as she examined her surroundings. The room was small and mostly empty. A closed wooden door was the only apparent exit.

Izre stalked towards it,…[Read more]

@everyone

Hey, guys! It’s been a while since I’ve been active on here, aside from popping in occasionally. I’ve been thinking about jumping in here for a couple weeks, and now that I’ve completed my first week of college and seen what my schedule will be like, I’m ready to do that!

I had a character in here before, but I’m just gonna forget him…[Read more]

@theducktator @highscribeofaetherium

Yeah, I saw it a few days ago. Looks pretty cool! Can’t wait to see the back.

Did you know they’re also releasing preview chapters on this site?

h ttps://reactormag.com/columns/wind-and-truth (remove the space after the ‘h’)

They come out every Monday at noon (I think), and I think they’re planning on…[Read more]

@savannah_grace2009

Huh? I’m confused. They’re moving a second time. They never moved the first time, because they already lived in Wrallethom Heights before the Pythonos made everyone else move there too. So this is the first time Sef has ever moved.

Oh, they didn’t?

They don’t want to take Hanna specifically. Sef knows that if the greedy neighb…

[Read more]

@savannah_grace2009

Okay, critique time! Starting in chapter 14.

I take it this chapter is before some of the ones you already wrote, since it shows them preparing to leave the house? Or are they moving a second time?

Sef knew she was only moving a few blocks to the east, away from the border where crime was high and the Pythonos frequented…

[Read more]

@ellette-giselle

Yeah, I think we just hit the major plot-hole. I think you need something between Pythonos and people. You see, even the most depraved of people do not become demons.

To be fair, it is an allegory, and not everything needs to be a one-to-one correlation. I personally don’t have a problem with Pythonos representing both demons a…[Read more]

I also do like @elette-giselle ‘s idea with Eloy.

@savannah_grace2009

Lilitu was kind of my “you’re never too far gone” person, because his parents are Jraldath and Selena! There’s going to be this epic confrontation scene where he wrestles with the knowledge that he was meant to be evil from the moment he was born. Does that work? Or do I still need Cassian?

My problem with that is that evil is…[Read more]

@savannah_grace2009

It’s been a bit since I gave you any feedback, so sorry about that. (It was partially KP’s fault—everything was super messed up and I couldn’t post.) I am going to try to do a feedback session tomorrow morning. I have been reading everyone’s comments though, and I wanted to jump in here.

In regards to the Cassian discussio…[Read more]

@savannah_grace2009

Okay, here we go for chapter 7.

too unfortunate to get out of their path.

This phrasing sounds a bit awkward. I had to parse through it in my head for a second to get it. Something like “unfortunate enough to be in their path” might work a bit better.

that that cart that was now a pile of ashes, could have been him.

That’s a…[Read more]

@savannah_grace2009

Critique for chapter 7:

Really strong chapter! It really shows Lilitu’s struggles, which is something I don’t really remember from previous drafts. Like everyone else is saying, I like how you’re making Cassian a bigger character this time.

My only question would be, how did Lilitu survive? It seems like the Aquinos were…[Read more]

@theducktator

I don’t look at them often. I usually look a couple times in the process of reading to get an idea of where everything is, but I don’t look at them frequently, so a lot if the tine, I don’t know where things are happening.

@savannah_grace2009

Lir stretched out as far as the eye could see-the crown jewel of Andromeda, the pride of the Pythonos.

Punctuation thing: you want an em dash instead of a hyphen. The hyphen makes it look like “see-the” is one word. Usually, you can get an em dash by doing two dashes in a row: –. (On KP they don’t connect, but it still works.…[Read more]

@rae

I’d RP if anyone wanted to do something.

@rae

For one, these aren’t normal swords. For two, for most Realn it’s a matter of learning the skill and carrying one for sake of tradition. Some have ancient blades, but that’s rare. Nahim wears one (actually two right now) cuz his training master was Master Dare who was famous for saving the dragons from extinction and for his swordplay, and h…

[Read more]

@rae

Sorry, this is a bit late, but here’s a critique as requested.

The opponent blocked, swinging its second sword

I was a bit confused why you used ‘its’ as the pronoun here. After finishing the paragraph, I realized that it must be some sort of virtual opponent, but I did read over the sentence a couple times in confusion before reading on and…[Read more]