KP Critiques | X392

And we are back with another KP Critiques! This time, our submission is from Kat Ingalls. It is an excerpt from her novel Finding You, with her chapter called. X392.

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Now, let's get into it!

Our Critique:

Chapter 4

X392

By Kat Ingalls

I sat there for a long time, gritting my teeth, and trying to not scream my lungs out as I laid in the grass. My cut felt like there were hot spikes in my left cheek, burning and digging deeper, making my whole head throb. Though I managed to not scream there was no way to stop the flood of tears, (take out this comma) that were mixing with the warm blood dripping off of my face.  

I reached my hand up to try to wipe some blood off of my face, but accidently accidentally touched my cut, but quickly pulled it away as I cried out in pain, the burning sensation becoming worse. 

You used "but" twice in this sentence, and typically, you want to avoid repetition of this kind . Try: I reached my hand up to try to wipe some blood off of my face, but I accidentally touched my cut (or you could say my fingers accidentally brushed my cut). The burning sensation worsened, and I quickly pulled my hand away, crying out in pain. 

I couldn’t stop myself, I started crying, crying harder and harder, till the sobs wracked my body.  

I jerked, and almost screamed when a I heard a loud male voice yell, “Hey! You there! Girl! Get to your feet and stop that fuss this instant!!”  

As quick as I could, (add comma) I sat up, swallowing, and biting back my sobs of pain and terror.  

My eyes still full of tears blurred my vision, but I blinked a couple times to try to see better.

This sentence is a bit convoluted. Try something like: Tears blurred my vision, and I blinked them away.

He was way taller than me, I felt like a midget compared to him. 

Instead of telling that the man is taller than her, you should try showing. For example, I had to crane my neck to see his face. Or simply, His sheer height made me feel like a midget in comparison. 

“Why are you out of the camp?” He harshly asked.  

I fought tears, trying to get the words out, “I-I...” I swallowed hard, managing to say my voice shaking,

The last sentence is a bit hard to read. Try: I swallowed hard, and managed to say in a shaking voice[...]

“I...I-I got-t s-sent out-t..” I very slowly looked up to him to look him in the eyes, knowing I'd get hit if I didn’t.  

You used the word "look" twice in this sentence. You can simply say, I very slowly looked him in the eyes, knowing I'd get hit if I didn't.

His dark blue eyes bore down at me so hard, (remove comma) that it hurt my eyes to kept keep looking at him, but I didn’t dare look away. “Oh really?! And why is that?!?” He demanded.  

“I.... It’s a...a...p-punishment.”  

“Oh.” He looked surprised, “What rank are you?”  

“Oh...u-um...uh..” I dreaded this part. (add period) I knew as soon as that letter came out the pain or something horrible would come. 

This last sentence is a bit difficult to read. Try: I knew as soon as I said that letter, pain or something horrible would come. 

“X392...”  

He looked pleasantly surprised, then his face darkened, but with a grin on it, a wicked grin. “Well then, I think you are whom I have been searching for, the X that got out that needed some more done to it to teach her a lesson.”  The way he said ‘teach her a lesson’ sent chills down my back.  

 He opened the bag at his side and pulled out an object, I knew what it was before it was even in sight, by its distinct rattling. Shackles. The breath in my lungs seemed to get knocked out of me, and a sense of weakness lay over me. Shudder, after shudder, after shudder wracked through my body, the color draining from my face.

She probably wouldn't be able to see the color draining from her face. Particularly when you are writing from a 1st person POV, you only want to describe what the viewpoint person can personally see and feel.

The past came right to the front of my mind, almost blinding me with the vivid, sharp pictures that cut into me with so much more pain then than before.  

The next thing I could feel was their cold sharpness against my wrists, the little spikes on the inside cutting into them. I tugged to get away, but knew it was in vain. All it did was drive the spikes deeper into my skin, making it feel like they were on fire.   

The next thing I could smell was him, he smelled like a mixture of smoke, sweat, and some sort of spice. He leaned his face close to mine. “You’re so ugly, no wonder you’re an X!” He stepped back a little, but then I felt a hard punch to the face and fell backward with a scream of pain. I don’t fall for long before I hit the ground with a crash.

I know hit the ground with a crash is a common phrase, but it doesn't work here unless she is actually crashing into something. Where is the crashing sound coming from? If you really want to use the word crash you could say: I crashed to the ground. Here, the verb isn't taken literally. 

He looked down at me, gave me a sharp kick in the side, then kneeled down to give me two more punches in the face.  

The next thing I could taste was blood. Blood and tears which made a salty mixture that burned my mouth almost as much as my face and wrist were burning.  

The next thing I could hear was his harsh voice cursing me. Cursing about how ugly, worthless, and stupid I was. I accepted each one, because even though I wished it weren’t so, I knew ever thing everything he said about me was true. The curses flew as fast as the punches and kicks, he hit me in the head, in the jaw, in the side, in the ribs, in the face, again and again until my whole body was burning in pain, bruised and bleeding.  

For a second his beating stopped as a sharp deep male voice called out from somewhere nearby, “Enough! Don’t you dare strike her one more time!”  

Something hard hit me in the head, a sharp pain shot through it, and I knew no more.   

Comments

Overall, great job! 

I feel sorry for the main character. In this excerpt I can really feel her anguish and self-loathing. While reading, all I want is for her to escape from this awful place and find a more peaceful life. It makes me want to keep reading for the hope she has a bright future in store for her! 

One thing to be aware of, is how much you write out the stuttering. For example: "I...I-I got-t s-sent out-t", is a little excessive.  I know you want to show her stumbling over her words (and, yeah, writing stuttering can be fun sometimes), but from a reader's POV it can be a bit difficult -if not distracting - to read. So instead of writing out every single syllable that she stutters over, you could just do it once per sentence at most, and then leave the rest to the reader's imagination. You already mentioned that she is talking in a shaky voice, so that is sufficient.  

But other than that, you have a promising story on your hands!

Great job, and keep writing!

~ Erin Ramm