KP Critiques – Operation Bulls-Eye

Today, we have a fantastic chapter by Naomi Holland from her novel Operation Bulls-Eye. A huge thanks to Naomi for sending in her excerpt!

Now, onto the critique. 

Operation Bulls-Eye

Chapter 1

By Naomi Holland

 November 29th- London, England

        Clutching her mother’s hand, the five-year-old shivered in terror. Sirens wailed in the distance as the ambulances grew closer with each passing second. Tiny drops of rain sprinkled the sobbing by-standers and splashed onto the blackened sidewalk. As silent tears traced a glittering path down her cheeks, a young woman launched herself toward the horrific scene. 

Wonderful first paragraph! I love how you build mystery with each sentence, while still setting the stage for the reader. As a reader, I received a great first impression. 

        A tall middle-aged man grabbed her arm and pushed her gently back. “No, ma’am!” He cried. “Think of your little child.” 

        “But you don’t understand!” She pointed behind him with a trembling finger. “My husband! I have to help him!” 

        “He’ll get help. Just stay with your little girl.” 

        Her panicked gaze taking in the turmoil, the woman gathered her daughter into her arms. “It’s alright, Rebecca. Everything’s going to be fine.” 

        Rebecca felt her mother shaking and squeezed shut her blurred eyes. The noise around them increased as the emergency vehicles arrived. 

        “Are either of you injured, ma’am?”

        Rebecca blinked up at the strange paramedic while her mother inhaled a shuddering breath. “We were ahead of. . . . .it.” 

You mention that the paramedic is strange. What exactly is strange about him? Could you add description that shows he strange, rather than just using and adjective? 

        “Where’s daddy?” Rebecca interrupted, while pressing her small body closer against her mother. 

        The woman raked her grimy fingers through her daughter’s tousled curls. “My. . .my husband was behind us. Can you make sure he’s alright?” 

        “Certainly, Mrs. . . . .?”

        “Livingston. Mrs. Livingston.”

        The man smiled. “Don’t worry. I’m sure he’s going to be just fine.” 

        “I hope so. I don’t know what I’d do without him.” Biting her lip, she glanced away. 

        Rebecca stared up at her mom, her little mind awash in confusion. “Is daddy going to be okay?” 

        “Hush.” Mrs. Livingston took her daughter’s hand and led her some distance away. “Why don’t you sit down here with mommy?” She stroked Rebecca’s caramel colored hair with a trembling hand. “Lay your head in my lap. There, that’s better.” The little girl sniffed back a choked sob. 

        Mother and daughter remained seated on the hard sidewalk for some time. Every so often, the woman would lift her red rimmed eyes up to heaven and her lips would silently move in a plaintive plea. Rebecca had fallen asleep with her head on her mother’s lap. Sleep momentarily erased the explosion from her memory and her face reflected an innocence that only children can know. 

        “Mrs. Livingston?” At a paramedic’s soft voice, the woman squeezed her eyes shut. 

        “Did you find him?”

        “We think so.” 

        Biting her lip, Mrs. Livingston continued to brush stray curls off Rebecca’s forehead. She pressed her quivering lips against her daughter’s smooth cheek and a bitter laugh erupted from her throat. “Doesn’t she look so peaceful? So innocent?” The woman glanced back toward the scene of the disaster. “She’ll never have such an innocence again.” She sucked in a shaky breath. “Not after I tell her that her daddy’s not coming home.” 

        The paramedic’s gaze dropped to the cement. “I’m so sorry.”

        “Was it an accident?” 

        “No.” 

        Mrs Livingston nodded, silent tears running down her cheek to tremble upon her chin. “Who do they think is responsible?” 

        “It wouldn’t surprise me if it was ITU.” 

        “ITU?” 

        “The International Tactical Unit.” 

        “Oh.” She hugged Rebecca even closer to herself. “Why did we have to get caught in the middle of another one of their terrorist attacks?” 

        “I. . .I don’t know, ma’am.” 

        Her dark eyes began to smolder. “Why haven’t they been stopped?”

        “I think everyone’s doing everything they can.” He swallowed with a gulp. “I heard the reward for the capture of ITU’s leader went up several thousand more pounds.” 

        “Like that will help. Anthony Brooks has a knack for staying away from the authorities.”

        “Don’t give up hope.” 

        “I won’t.” A sob escaped from her and she shuddered. “I’ll never give up hoping that Anthony’s caught. I’ll never forget what they’ve done to us.”

        “Sooner or later, I’m sure ITU will meet their end.” 

        “I hope so. I’ll never be able to sleep at night until the whole Brooks family is brought to justice.” She shook her head. “They deserve the worst punishment imaginable.” 

The last two lines of dialogue are a bit cliché. They are used often, so they lose their impact. You wouldn’t really hear anyone say something like that in real life as well. As for: I’ll never be able to sleep at night until the whole Brooks family is brought to justice, try to find a way to convey that same meaning but not as on-the-nose. As for: They deserve the worst punishment imaginable, maybe be a bit more specific.

A Day Later: November 30th- The Airport in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia

         The little boy grasped his knee and wailed. Large tears rolled down his cheeks and stopped to tremor upon his chin. As a slim girl knelt beside the upset child, her forehead wrinkled in concern. “Are you okay?”

        “I was running and slipped.” He murmured while sniffing loudly. 

        “Moshe!” A woman with a roundish figure hurried up to them. “What happened?”

        “I was running and slipped.” The boy again explained, his choked voice revealing his belief in the intensity of his injury. 

        She clucked her tongue and soothed him as only a mother could. After his tears abated, the woman addressed the eighteen-year-old who stood off to the side. “Thank you for seeing if Moshe was alright.” She rolled her dark eyes. “It’s a constant battle to keep him at my side.” 

        “Your son’s very nice.” The girl replied as she idly finger brushed her shoulder-length hair. The dark blond color and her lightly tanned skin gave away the fact that she was a foreigner. Thanking her again, Moshe’s mother studied her with interest a moment before hurrying off with her son in tow. 

        The young woman watched them until the pair disappeared around a corner in the bustling airport. 

 I noticed that you often use “the girl”, “the boy”, “the woman” and other titles like that. While it’s not a bad thing, just be aware that it could add confusion. Use proper names as soon and as much as possible. Ask yourself: "Why am I using these titles? Is it necessary?" Also, "Who is the narrator of this particular excerpt? Does the narrator know their names?" If so, then you can go ahead and use the names. For example, if this particular part of the story is going to be narrated by Kate, then you don't need to refer to her as "the girl"- since she knows her name. And you can use "the boy" and "the woman" here since Kate isn't familiar with their names. 

        Her reverie was broken by the clearing of a throat. “We should get moving, Kate.” 

Here, it would be best to introduce the speaker before the dialogue. Otherwise, this causes some confusion with the reader. Where did this person come from? Is it a male or female? 

        Sighing inaudibly, the girl followed the broad-shouldered man as they passed through the large glass doors. 

        The brilliant sun beat down on the duo as they walked to the parking lot. Shielding her blue-green eyes from the glare, Kate saw a man standing in front of a dark car. “Hello.” She smiled while attempting to hide her nervousness. 

        The wiry man raised an eyebrow in suspicion as he studied her. “Who are you?” 

I’ll just take a moment to mention that the characters you have here could benefit from more description. We have a broad-shouldered man, a wiry man, and then a mother and child. I’m having difficulty picturing them. I really like your description of Kate, so just add that to the other characters. What kind of clothes are they wearing? How do they move? Anything particular about them that stands out? Also, what kind of relationship do they have with Kate?

        “Kate.”

        “Please state your full name.” The man muttered in a monotone, glaring down at her two bags.

        “Kate Marie Brooks. My father is expecting my arrival.”

        The driver gestured at the man. “And who is this with you?”

        “This is my bodyguard, Carlos.”

         Hearing his name, Carlos’ scowl deepened. 

Here, I took out this clause since it contains unnecessary information. Also, it implies that perhaps Carlos is scowling because he heard his name, and I don't think that was what you were trying to convey here. 

        “What’s your ID number, Ms. Brooks?”

        “462897331-ANB.”  She pulled her dog tags out from under her shirt and held it up for verification.

        “Please give me a moment to confirm that you are in fact expected.” Squinting at an iPad, he sat down in the air-conditioned car and proceeded to spend several minutes staring at the screen. 

        Sweat trickled down the back of Kate’s neck as she waited. Having just come from the crisp winter chill of Germany, the young woman felt like she would literally combust in the sun’s direct beams. Finally, the driver opened the door and loaded the bags into the trunk. At last!  Kate thought as she felt a wave of the refreshing air pumping from the air conditioner. She relished in the cool atmosphere and the soft touch of the leather seats. I hope I can take another route home. A shudder traced its way down her spine. I’ve had enough of planes to last me a lifetime!

          “Your father will be pleased to see you.”

        Giving the driver a weary smile, Kate closed her eyes and felt the tension from the flight drain away. In contrast, Carlos sat stiff with his ever-present frown pasted across his lips. The vehicle bounced over the rocky road as they left city limits. After a few minutes of tense silence, they passed a herd of livestock and Carlos wrinkled his nose at the acute aroma. The road they followed traced a thin line across the emptiness of the desert as jagged mountains rose in the distance. The vegetation grew sparser the further they went, and Kate could not help but think of the many trees dotting the terrain of Central Europe. Silently calculating when she might return to the cooler climate, she noticed the road appeared to increasingly blend into the dry landscape around them. Several more miles passed before their route disappeared completely. She felt a twinge of unease thinking they might get lost, but the driver seemed confident as they neared the foothills of the mountains. When they skirted around a large hill of rock, Kate peered out the window to see the base huddled against a sharp incline. A large fence bordered the sand-colored building and dozens of armed soldiers marched around the perimeter.     

        “Welcome to ITU’s headquarters.” The driver muttered, wiping his brow with a soiled handkerchief.  

Ooh, nice. 🙂

        A few soldiers stared suspiciously at the approaching vehicle as it stopped before the massive gate. The driver handed his ID over to the guard and after a moment’s scrutiny, they were waved through. Men with rifles paced on the rooftop as they eyed the car snaking toward the metal doors that served as the entrance to the building. Next to the imposing structure, a tarp provided camouflage for containers stacked upon the hard-packed ground. The vehicle stopped in front of the doors and the passengers alighted. 

        Pulling her bags from the trunk, Kate turned to see a tall soldier standing ramrod straight beside their vehicle. 

        “Miss Brooks?” His gravelly voice sent a nervous flutter down her spine. 

        Surely, I’m not in any trouble. Kate thought as the soldier spoke once again. “Come with me.” The man opened the thick metal doors and they entered. A wide hallway stretched ahead of them with a few smaller passages branching from it. Their guide’s boots thumped off the cement floor as he led them down a side hall. 

        A door creaked open in the corridor and an impeccably dressed man stepped out.

Another description tip: You say the man is "impeccably dressed", but that can mean a lot of things. Could you be a bit more specific? What exactly is he wearing? A suit? A uniform? How can you show that he is impeccably dressed?

         Running his hand through his thinning hair, the man nodded at Kate as he passed. 

        Moving onward, the soldier motioned to the closed door the man had exited from and left them with a quick jerk of his head. Is this dad’s office? The butterflies in her stomach flew with increased energy as she took a small step towards the door. “Do you want to open it Carlos?” 

        “Of course not.” He snorted. “Quite Quit being such a child.” 

        Gathering her strength, Kate opened the door and slipped inside the shadowed room. Anthony Brooks did not notice her entrance as he paced the floor in front of a world map. His dark hair hung wildly over his forehead and his flinty eyes gleamed. Stroking his scraggly beard, he jabbed his finger at the western USA. 

        Suddenly, he spun around and saw Kate with Carlos at her heels. “What took you so long?” He barked, gesturing for her to close the door.

        “The driver had to verify everything before I could even get in the car.”

        Scowling, he plopped down heavily into his leather chair. “I’ll need to speak to him about that.” He paused for a brief second. “Carlos. How’s everything going?”

        The stocky bodyguard straightened upon hearing his boss speak. “Everything’s fine, sir. No problems.”

        “Good.”

        Kate took a shallow breath. “Dad, why did you have me come here?”

        Anthony’s voice softened as he studied his daughter. “A bomb went off in London.”

        Kate gasped, her hand flying to cover her mouth. “How awful! Was anyone killed?” 

        “Five.”

        “Why would anyone do that?” 

        He stared at her for a second, an unreadable emotion shining in his eyes. “I don’t know.”

        “Was it the police?”

        Anthony bit his lip. “I’m afraid it was. This is just another example of their terrorism. Remember, don’t trust any of them. They’re all monsters.”

        Kate nodded but furrowed her brow. “So why did you bring me here?” 

        “Because I was worried about your safety. I wanted to see you in person, so I can make sure that you’re okay.”

        “Is that the only reason you had me come?”

        “Yes.” He frowned. “Is it bad for a father to make sure his daughter’s well?” 

This is a small detail, but I would switch the word bad with wrong in this instance. People of Anthony’s age tend to use wrong and it sounds more natural in this context.

        “Not at all. It’s just. . . . .” Kate started to finish her sentence, but then stopped.

I took out this line too, since it is conveying unnecessary information to the reader. By adding the ellipses, you are already showing that she isn’t going to finish her sentence.

        A hard glint briefly leaped into Anthony’s eyes, but it was gone before she even noticed it. “Do you need anything?”

        Kate lowered her gaze. “I had been meaning to ask you something.”

        “Oh? Well, what is it?”

        Her voice grew softer and quieter as she spoke. “Though it may be small, the Bremen Base is part of the International Tactical Unit. I believe it’s just as important as any other base.”

        “Ah. The Bremen Base.” Kate jumped slightly at the sudden interjection from someone behind her. Her father’s right-hand man, Simon, came to stand in front of the girl. “And how do you like Germany?” His wheezy voice made a chill run down Kate’s spine. Leveling his piercing gray eyes to stare at her, a cold smirk spread across his thin lips.  

        “I... it's fine.” Running a hand through his stringy hair, Simon gave another hard smile before retreating to a chair hidden in the corner. “You startled me. I thought dad was alone.” Kate stammered as the room seemed to grow even warmer.

        “Oh, no. I was here the entire time.” 

        “What is it you want?” Anthony drummed his fingers against his scratched desktop. 

        Kate took a quick breath before continuing. “As I was saying, the Bremen Base is still important. Our main problem is the fact that we don’t have good weapons.”

I like the relationship dynamic between Kate and her father. Kate’s obvious nervousness really makes the scene interesting. But I think we can add a bit more to it. What exactly are the stakes here? What is Kate afraid of? What is the worst thing that can happen during this talk with her father? Can you add some subtle hints to something bad that transpired previously that added to Kate’s trauma? Or can you hint at some outcome that Kate is desperately trying to avoid? That way, the readers can feel Kate’s nervousness along with her.

        “Is that what you’re asking him?” Simon wheezed. 

        Swallowing hard, she kept her gaze on her father. “Many of the soldiers here have rifles, right?”

        “Yes.” Anthony leaned back, his knuckles hitting his desk like an energetic tap dancer.  

I like the use of simile here. Though, this simile doesn't fit the tone of the scene and situation. Mentioning a tap dancer while they are talking about weapons seems a bit out of place. For example, you could say: “... his knuckles hitting his desk like the fire of a shotgun.” Or, yeah, something like that. 😉

        “Besides our very old and sometimes working pistols, we have one shotgun. Don’t we need better weaponry to properly do our job?”

        “Miss Brooks,” Simon’s voice came out as smooth as butter, though it sounded patronizing to the young woman. “Your father is a very busy man. He doesn’t have time for the problems of a child.”

        “I’m eighteen!” 

        “So?” 

        What do I say? Kate thought, stunned at the sudden turn in the conversation. “I…I…”

        Simon’s colorless lips spread into a mocking grin. “What has been the most exciting thing to happen at the Bremen Base?”

Okay, I officially do not like Simon. If that was your intention, you pulled it of spectacularly! 🙂

        Flushing, Kate looked down. “Why does that matter?” 

        “Go ahead. Tell us.” Anthony urged. 

        “A... A bird got inside, and it took us all day to get it out.”

        “I see. Did you need rifles for that?” Simon interlocked his hands and touched the tips of his forefingers together.

        “No, but we should be ready in case we do need them.”

        “You’ll never need them.” He scoffed. “Isn’t that right, Anthony?”

        “If you needed rifles, I would’ve given them to you.” Anthony’s chastising tone made a knot form in the pit of Kate’s stomach.

        “Oh.” She glanced away from her father’s disapproving gaze. 

        “Tell one of the soldiers to take you to your room.” He waved his hand in a dismissive motion. 

        “Yes, Father.” Carlos at her heels, Kate left the office and shut the door behind her. 

Great scene! I enjoyed the tension you set up, and I liked how you introduced Kate. I just have a few questions. Why is Kate asking for the weapons? What is her place in the Bremen Base that makes her care about them having weapons? Why does it matter to her? Also, why does Kate believe that the police set up the bomb in London? What does she think their motive is? 

-----------------------

        Anthony kept his gaze fixed on the door until he heard his daughter’s footsteps fade away.

        “Well, that was interesting.” Simon popped his knuckles loudly as he leaned forward in the chair. “The nerve of the girl to ask for rifles! Pitiful creature.”

        “She thinks the Bremen base is actually important.”

         “Like I said, pitiful creature.”

        “It’s too bad she’s like her mother,” Anthony mumbled, pulling a few folders out of his desk. 

        “I know exactly how you feel. If only she was like him.”  

        Anthony’s face reddened at his assistant’s words. “Simon! I told you never to bring that up!”

Okay. This is really good. I like how you are hinting at some kind of backstory while mixing mystery and dread. This is a really great technique to keep readers reading. Just one question: do you really need to use a pronoun here? In a real conversation, people would use a name and not be unnecessarily ambiguous. You could go ahead and include the name. This way, readers have a name to latch onto, and Anthony and Simon's mysterious conversation feels much more organic. If you can't reveal the name now, then you could make Anthony interrupt Simon before he says the word him. 

        “My deepest apologies.” Though his words sounded sincere, Simon’s eyes gleamed with malicious delight at having pushed Anthony’s buttons. “It’s a shame that she isn’t more like him though.” He calmly added. 

        Anthony stared sullenly out the barred window. “Do you think she’ll get nosy and start asking questions?”

The dialogue here is a bit off. Simon says: If only she was like him. Anthony gets angry, telling him never to mention it again. Simon apologizes, and repeats the offending phrase again. This time, Anthony doesn’t get angry. I recommend just taking out the part where Simon repeats himself. That way, you can maintain a nice flow of the conversation.

        “Possibly.” 

        “I’ve sent my most trustworthy men to watch her! What can she do?”

This sounds like some nice foreshadowing to me. 🙂

        “Don’t underestimate her,” Simon warned. “You’ve made that mistake once and you don’t want to make it again.”

        “You’re right,” Anthony grunted. 

        “Of course I am,” Simon whispered under his breath as Anthony got up to pace the length of the room. When the ITU leader turned to look at him, he spoke reassuringly. “Don’t worry. If she does cause trouble, you can just get rid of her.” 

Comments

Ahh… nice. Really enjoyed reading this. You established the world and conflict really well in such a short amount of time. 

Throughout your excerpt, you did a great job infusing dread, mystery, and curiosity - all elements for a great first chapter!

I can already see that Kate has the potential for being a great character. She’s kind, as we saw with your introduction of her. She faces fear quite regularly - as we saw with her father. She values human life - as we saw with her horror at the news of the explosion. And you foreshadowed that there is a lot of danger in store for her, which makes me curious to see how she is going to deal with it. This all makes for a really strong character, so great job.

My #1 tip for you would be to add more description. What does Anthony’s office look like? What do Anthony, Simon, and all the other characters look like in greater detail? When going about descriptions, try to show and not tell. For example, like I mentioned before, instead of telling the reader “the man is impeccably dressed”, show the reader by mentioning his perfectly ironed suit, every button polished until it shone, and not a single spot on it despite the unkept surroundings. This paints a much clearer image in the reader's mind, and makes your writing much more powerful. Do this with the rest of your descriptions, and keep it in mind as you continue writing.

For further reading, I highly recommend that you read this article, to learn all about different kinds of 3rd person POV (point-of-view). And this article, to learn about Omniscient POV. Right now, your story is in an Omniscient POV - where the reader gets a look into multiple characters' heads - which is a great POV, but it does tend to cause some distance and confusion with the reader at times. I really liked your excerpt, and I think it would be even better if it was in limited POV - where the reader only knows what the POV character knows. Again, check out the article to learn more.

Other than that, fantastic job! I hope this helps, and keep writing!

~Erin Ramm