Y’ALLL!!!!! I started it…and I love this already!!! <3 Any thoughts? :D

Home Page Forums Fiction Writing Critiques Novel Critique Requests Y’ALLL!!!!! I started it…and I love this already!!! <3 Any thoughts? :D

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 38 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #122667
    Anonymous
      • Rank: Chosen One
      • Total Posts: 8156

      @godlyfantasy12. @koshka. @elishavet-pidyon. @mineralizedwritings. @loopylin. @theloonyone. @lightoverdarkness6. @joy-caroline. @anyone-else-that’s-interested.

      Y’ALLL!!!! I have begun the draft of another book. (I’m a multitasker, okay!? XD) And y’all…I love this story so much already…and I didn’t even plot the first few chapters, lol, which has actually made me pretty happy. xD

      Anyways…it’s for another WWII book, likely going to be in my Trilogy rather than another book, so…I present to y’all…the first 3 chapters of my fairly new WIP, Against All Odds.

      Oh, and for anyone that would like to know, chapter 2 does contain a small, only, like 2 sentence flashback to a bit of one of the character’s childhood, which was traumatic. Not the whole chapter. It’s in italics, so it’s easy to skip over if you’d like, but I wanted to give a warning. 🙂

       

       

      Chapter 1

      March 1944

      A flag flapped, the moonlight lighting up the crooked, black cross-like symbol on it, as a crisp, cold spring breeze blew by.

      Breath visible in the cold, Leo Baumann pulled his coat tighter around his shoulders, in the shadows behind a hedge, he waited for the signal.

      “…Jakob will give the signal, right?”

      Leo pressed a finger to his lips and laid down, to hide even lower, turning to his youngest brother, Wolfgang. “Yes. Now, lay down right here. Jakob should give the signal soon, and when I tell you to, cover your ears, and when I tell you to run, follow me and run, just like we practiced…” he trailed off as he saw the quick flicker of a flashlight.

      Wolfgang laid down beside him, and a shadowed figure ran towards the Luftwaffe airfield and the jet waiting there, dropping a flaming match into a ready barrel.

      “Cover your ears.” Leo reminded, covering his own, just as the figure slid and rolled back down the hill towards them, ears covered with their hands.

      A loud boom sounded, debris flew into the air, and flames lapped up towards the moonlit sky.

      They’d done it.

      They’d stopped another plane from attacking Allied fighters.

      Leo tugged on Wolfgang’s coat sleeve. “Come on, Wolf-O, time to run.”

      Wolfgang uncovered his ears and nodded. “I’m coming…we’re grabbing Reuben, right?”

      Leo nodded and, ducking low, ran over to where the figure who had dropped the match still laid in the grass. He tapped his shoulder. “Reuben, hey, Rebel, come on. Time to run.”

      Reuben slowly shifted to look up at him, uncovering his ears, and Leo couldn’t help but smirk at the grin on his brother’s face. “That was fun.”

      Leo laughed and patted his shoulder. “Come on, lets get back to base before anyone else gets here.”

      Reuben nodded, Leo helped him stand, they grabbed Wolfgang, and together, the three of them ran off into the night.

       

      Leo closed and locked the door behind the three of them. He followed his brothers down the stairs.

      They stepped into the underground meeting room, fitted with a long wooden table, chairs, oil lamps, more maps than Leo had ever seen, and bookshelves full of books that had been banned, books that were saved from being burned in mass book burnings.

      “There you three are. Had us worried for a minute.” Joshua said with a smile, walking over, Jakob beside him.

      “You two took a different route here, just like we’d planned.” Leo replied, embracing his two other brothers, draping his arms around their shoulders, the best as he could, at least, both of them being taller than he was.

      “You did it. Everything went according to plan, and no one saw any of you. Everything is going smoothly.”

      Leo turned to face the leader and organizer of their resistance group. He nodded and smiled. “All thanks to yours and Jakob’s plan, Ezekiel.”

      “Thanks be to God and God alone for that plan.” Ezekiel replied softly.

      “Amen.” Joshua murmured with a warm smile.

      Leo smiled ever-so faintly, but his smile wobbled, so he nodded to cover it. “We should probably be getting home now, Ezekiel. It’s already past curfew…and they’ll be looking for the culprits.”

      Ezekiel nodded. “I understand. It will certainly be safer for you to leave now rather than later. Stay safe out there, and, oh, before I forget, all five of you are welcome to come to this Sunday’s service.”

      Joshua opened his mouth, but instead, Leo spoke, “Sorry Pastor, but we’ll be busy on Sunday.”

      Ezekiel nodded and smiled, which Leo had not expected. “Of course…I completely understand. Well, whenever you like, you’re all free to stop by.”

      ~*~

      “We’re not busy at all this Sunday and you know it.” Joshua said, using a wet cloth to wipe the sweat and dirt from his neck and face in the base’s bathroom.

      Beside him, his older brother nodded. “Yeah, so?”

      “Leo, lying is wrong.”

      “They’ll expect us to be at church, Joshua, you know that. To keep up their image, remember?”

      “I remember. How could I forget? But we could simply say we’re going to another church, even if it’s only for one Sunday, and everything would be fine.”

      Leo turned to face him, and the brothers’ matching brown eyes met. “You know that’s not true.”

      Joshua sighed, blowing one of his dark brown curls out of his eyes, and set the cloth aside, finished with it. “Maybe not…but you’ll never know unless you try.”

      “I know for a fact that everything would not be fine. And you do too. Our youngest brothers are perfect evidence of that.”

      “Leo…”

      His brother turned away. “You know I’m right.”

      “About our family, yes, about God, no.”

      Leo removed his tattered jacket and ignored Joshua’s words.

      “Leo, come on, don’t ignore me.”

      “I never said anything about God.”

      Joshua slowly nodded, putting on his regular coat, stitched with a shiny star of David. “You’re right. You haven’t. But the bitterness in your voice is there. It always is when we talk about these things.”

      “Then let’s stop, Joshua.”

      “This is a matter of eternity, so, no, I can’t stop.”

      Leo ignored him, undoing his shirt buttons.

      “Leo…I just want what’s best for you…just like any brother.” He whispered, watching his older brother, silently sending prayers to the heavens above.

      Leo nodded. “Trust me Joshua…I know…and I care about all of you.”  He finished unbuttoning and slipped off his shirt.

      Joshua tried to not flinch at the sight of the fresh, purple bruises on his older brother’s arms, stomach, and chest. “I know you do. Those bruises and your scars are perfect evidence of that care and love.”

      Their eyes met in the mirror, and Joshua smiled.

      Leo actually smiled back and slipped on a new white button shirt.

      He quickly buttoned it and slipped his coat, also stitched with a star, overtop, before turning back around.

      Joshua patted his older brother on the shoulder where he knew there wasn’t a bruise. “Come on, let’s go get our younger brothers and head home.”

       

      Chapter 2

      Jakob followed close behind his older brothers, looking back every so often to make sure Reuben and Wolfgang were still behind them.

      They hadn’t been seen or followed. Yet.

      But there was no letting their guard down.

      For them, that was more than dangerous.

      It was deadly.

      Of course, everyday life could be that way for them.

      Jakob’s fists instinctively clenched, but he slowly released them. Now wasn’t quite the time, not when his brothers needed to get home to safety.

      If it could even be counted as safety.

      Jakob’s teeth pressed together, but he continued to follow Leo and Joshua.

      Behind him, Reuben and Wolfgang followed in silence.

      “We’re almost there.” Joshua whispered, as Leo led the way.

      Jakob nodded and turned around. “Reuben, Wolfgang, we’re almost there.”

      Reuben nodded, and Wolfgang smiled. “Good. I’m tired.”

      Jakob nodded in agreement. “I think we all are.”

      But they didn’t have to wait much longer.

      Because there it was.

      On a small hill, a tall, large, late 19th century mansion sat, dark without all the lights on.

      “Come on…let’s go.” Leo whispered, motioning for them to follow him.

      Jakob followed Joshua, Reuben and Wolfgang sticking close behind, and they finally reached the front doors.

      Not super big as some mansion doors were, but still larger than a normal home’s.

      Leo unlocked the door, and they all silently walked inside.

      Jakob looked around. All of the lights were off, as it had looked from outside, and he didn’t hear anyone.

      “Hopefully everyone is asleep…” Jakob whispered.

      Leo looked around and nodded in agreement. “I’m sure they are…come on, let’s get upstairs.”

      Jakob nodded and followed.

      They walked past the living room towards the stairs, right behind each other.

      “Well…you five are home late…”

      ~*~

      Reuben jumped at the sound of the feminine voice.

      At the front, almost to the stairs, Leo stopped in his tracks.

      “It’s past curfew…way past. You should have been home three hours ago.” The woman stood from where she had been sitting in an armchair, her blonde hair shining in the moonlight that flickered in through a thin curtain.

      Her coal eyes roved over all five of them, studying, planning, thinking, judging.

      Reuben swallowed, hard, when her gaze stayed on him for a moment, and his gaze fell to his black oxfords.

      “We’re sorry Mutti, it won’t happen again.”

      Mother.

      Leo didn’t usually call her that…Reuben glanced at him, eyebrow raised.

      Frida’s eyes narrowed, and she stepped closer to Leo. “Are you the one responsible for your brothers being out late? Or is one of them responsible?”

      Leo’s gaze fell, and Reuben looked up slightly.

      Jakob had his fists behind his back, clenched so tight his knuckles were turning white, and Joshua and Wolfgang merely watched, knowing, like all of them knew, that there was nothing they could do.

      “It was my fault that we were out three hours past curfew, Mutti.”

      Reuben jumped again when the sound of a hard, harsh slap echoed off the walls.

      “Don’t let it ever happen again…do I make myself clear?”

      Leo nodded, and Reuben took in a deep breath, easing his rapid heartbeat.

      “It will never happen again. I promise.” Leo said.

      Frida nodded. “It better not. Now, up to bed, all of you. You need to be ready for tomorrow.”

      Reuben followed behind his brothers up the stairs, fingers shaking.

      “NO! Please!” he begged, as the big wooden door closed.

      He slid down the stone steps and hit the concrete floor, his tears mixing with his blood.

      Reuben shook his head, shoving aside the memory, and followed his brothers up to their room.

      He closed the door behind him, shutting out the rest of the house.

      Shutting out the memories.

       

      Chapter 3

      Wolfgang yawned, tying on his shoes.

      The sun wasn’t even up yet, but he could already smell breakfast downstairs. Besides, they had to report to work no later than six.

      He finished tying his shoes and waited for his brothers.

      While he waited, he looked around the room.

      The walls were decorated with paper and canvas, displaying artwork. Some paper had Leo’s poems, and the art was mostly Reuben’s, with a few of the rest of theirs mixed in.

      Wolfgang glanced at another area of the room and smiled.

      Of course, there was something they all loved. Wolfgang smiled and stared at the bookshelves, which were almost overflowing with books.

      They had their favorite books and authors of course, some of whom had been banned.

      But they all shared a common love for Charles Dickens.

      Wolfgang grinned and looked around at his older brothers, who were finishing getting ready for the day. “David Copperfield.”

      “Ebenezer Scrooge.” Reuben replied, already knowing that Wolfgang was playing one of their games.

      “Tiny Tim.” Jakob replied.

      “Nicholas Nickleby.” Joshua said, standing, finishing his morning Bible reading.

      “Oliver Twist.” Leo said, by the door, finished getting ready. “You know, no one else would understand our games.”

      “That’s the point. It’s special.” Joshua replied with a smile.

      Wolfgang nodded and smiled.

      But then his gaze went to Leo’s cheek, where a fresh bruise was forming, and his smile faded.

      Leo was always hit.

      “It wasn’t only your fault we were out late…”

      Leo glanced at him. Shrugged. “Technically, it is, since I’m the oldest.”

      Wolfgang bit his lip.

      What difference did that make?

      “That doesn’t mean it was only your fault…but she hit you…” Wolfgang whispered softly.

      Maybe he should have been used to it by now.

      It was a constant part of his life for as long as he could remember.

      But it still seemed…wrong.

      Even if that was all he had known for the eighteen years of his existence.

      “Hey, Wolf-O, I need you to look at me.”

      He opened his eyes, he didn’t know that he had closed them, and met Leo’s brown eyes with his blue.

      Leo smiled, his cold hands on Wolfgang’s cheeks. “It’s going to be okay. I promise you. And no matter what happens, we’re all together, and that’s all that matters.”

      Wolfgang nodded. “…All that matters is that we’re together.”

      Leo smiled again and nodded. “Exactly.” He removed his hands and stood back up.

      Wolfgang stood as well, before glancing around the room again.

      Reuben looked around as well and laughed. “This room has certainly gotten smaller.”

      Joshua laughed and nodded in agreement. “That’s for sure.”

      “Good thing we’ve all stopped growing…I don’t think we would have fit much longer.” Leo mused.

      “We still have room for all five of us, especially our little big brother and our little little brother.”

      Wolfgang couldn’t help but chuckle at Jakob’s playful teasing.

      “Hey, not our fault me and Leo are the shortest.” Reuben replied with a smirk.

      Joshua merely laughed and opened the door. “Alright, guys, let’s head downstairs and eat before we don’t have time to.”

      Wolfgang laughed, nodded, and followed. “Good idea. I’m hungry.”

      #122670
      GodlyFantasy12
      @godlyfantasy12
        • Rank: Chosen One
        • Total Posts: 6645

        @freedomwriter76 SCREEEE I ADORE IT!!! AHHH CANNOT WAIT FOR MOOOOOORRREEE

        #IfMarcelDiesIRiot
        #ProtectMarcel
        #ProtectSeb

        #122671
        Anonymous
          • Rank: Chosen One
          • Total Posts: 8156

          @godlyfantasy12. AHHHH!!!! I’M SO GLAD!!!!!!! 😀 <33333

          It’s just how it started, and I was like: “Let’s go with it!” XDXDXDXD

          #122681
          MineralizedWritings
          @mineralizedwritings
            • Rank: Chosen One
            • Total Posts: 3006

            @freedomwriter76

            WOAHHH!! That was amazing! I can’t wait to read more!

            Your dialogue… 🤩🤩🤩

            Honestly I could learn from you. You’re so good at avoiding the “Person says this. Person replies that.” Like the way you describe them turning/doing something while saying something helps to imagine a real flowing conversation. And… POOR LEO 😥😭 (I remembered correctly right? he’s the oldest?) My heart aches for him 😥. I really like the dynamic you have between them, I want to keep reading! Only thing I might say is that the scene of seeing the mansion on the hill felt slightly abrupt, like oh theirs a mansion, then they are in the mansion. Idk it messed with the flow just a tiny bit. But I’m nitpicking.

            Amazing!!!

            "And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."

            #122684
            Anonymous
              • Rank: Chosen One
              • Total Posts: 8156

              @mineralizedwritings.

              WOAHHH!! That was amazing! I can’t wait to read more!

              AHHH!!!! THANK YOU!!!!! <3333 I’m planning on writing more as soon as school and chores are done, so hopefully, fingers crossed, I’ll get more posted today!!! 😀

              Your dialogue… 🤩🤩🤩

              AHHH!!! THANK YOU!!!! <3333

              Honestly I could learn from you. You’re so good at avoiding the “Person says this. Person replies that.” Like the way you describe them turning/doing something while saying something helps to imagine a real flowing conversation.

              Aww…girl…thank you!!! It’s been a lot of practice. XD

              It’s been fun to figure out other ways to show that they’re talking, and tell you what, writing them is certainly practice with trying to make sure the reader doesn’t get confused on who’s talking, lol. XD Since there’s so many of them all at once…xD

              And… POOR LEO 😥😭 (I remembered correctly right? he’s the oldest?) My heart aches for him 😥.

              AGHHH!!! I KNOW, RIGHT!?!?!?!?!?!? And yes, you got it! 😉 He’s the oldest…which is one reason why he took the full blame for them being out later than curfew…heh.

              I really like the dynamic you have between them, I want to keep reading!

              Thank you!!! I love brother dynamics, and I’m so happy the boys have such good dynamics!!! 🙂

              Only thing I might say is that the scene of seeing the mansion on the hill felt slightly abrupt, like oh theirs a mansion, then they are in the mansion. Idk it messed with the flow just a tiny bit. But I’m nitpicking.

              No, you’re good!!! I was kinda thinking that too, when I was reading it…but hey, this is what drafts are for! XD

              Amazing!!!

              THANK YOU SOOOOO MUCH!!!! <333

              Again, fingers crossed, I’m gonna try to get more written today! I’ll tag you when I get it up! 😉

              #122686
              MineralizedWritings
              @mineralizedwritings
                • Rank: Chosen One
                • Total Posts: 3006

                @freedomwriter76

                Oh can’t wait!!

                I’m hopefully going to write some today too… but sadly I can’t share some of my recent writing because it’s from later in my book… I can’t wait until I finish the midsection lol I have so many ideas for the climax!

                "And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."

                #122688
                Anonymous
                  • Rank: Chosen One
                  • Total Posts: 8156

                  @mineralizedwritings.

                  Oh can’t wait!!

                  So glad you like it!!! <333

                  I’m hopefully going to write some today too… but sadly I can’t share some of my recent writing because it’s from later in my book… I can’t wait until I finish the midsection lol I have so many ideas for the climax!

                  OOH, cool!!! Yeah…I write stuff out of order too…XD And yessssss….the climax is always so fun! xD

                  #122697
                  Light
                  @lightoverdarkness6
                    • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
                    • Total Posts: 1644

                    @freedomwriter76

                    GIRL!!!! Oh my gosh!! I LOVE IT!!! That’s soooo good ❤️❤️!! You read my mind! Yesterday, I was wondering if you had worked on a book with the brothers and was about to ask you, and this morning I saw that you had posted 😂😮😀!
                    Oh my, Leo!! You sweet baby🥰😢❤️. Frida 😡😤. You better watch out. You’ve got a band of Leo and brothers lovers searching for you😂.
                    Leo and brothers. That sounds like a brand name🤣.

                    Yes, I agree with @mineralizedwritings. I love your dialogue! The first ever story I read by you was your Marvel Fan fiction, and I really noticed and liked the way you did the dialogue.
                    And I love their little games that they play together! Me and my brother actually do something like that too! We’ll quote something from a book or movie and then the other sibling guesses what book/movie and who said it.
                    You are such a good writer! I can’t wait to read more ❤️❤️.

                    #HugRikerSquad

                    #122701
                    Anonymous
                      • Rank: Chosen One
                      • Total Posts: 8156

                      @lightoverdarkness6.

                      GIRL!!!! Oh my gosh!! I LOVE IT!!! That’s soooo good ❤️❤️!!

                      AHHHH!!!! GIRLLLL!!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!! ❤️😭❤️

                      You read my mind! Yesterday, I was wondering if you had worked on a book with the brothers and was about to ask you, and this morning I saw that you had posted 😂😮😀!

                      Lol, that’s great!!! XD

                      Oh my, Leo!! You sweet baby🥰😢❤️.

                      I KNOW, RIGHT!?!?!? ❤️❤️❤️❤️

                      Frida 😡😤. You better watch out. You’ve got a band of Leo and brothers lovers searching for you😂.

                      Lol, yes, Frida, look out. XD

                      Leo and brothers. That sounds like a brand name🤣.

                      Lol, it does!!!! xD xD xD

                      Leo and Brothers, trademark pending.

                      XDXDXDXD

                      I love your dialogue! The first ever story I read by you was your Marvel Fan fiction, and I really noticed and liked the way you did the dialogue.

                      Aww, thank you!!!! (The one where they’re kids and teens, right? =D) Dialogue is always fun for me, and it’s been a lot of practice to get to where it is now…XD

                      And I love their little games that they play together!

                      Aghh!!! Me too! XD It started in the Character Castle, and I was like: “Well, I’m keeping it now!!!” XD

                      Me and my brother actually do something like that too! We’ll quote something from a book or movie and then the other sibling guesses what book/movie and who said it.

                      That’s epic!!! I quote Marvel all the time…but then my family is normally just confused, esp. my sister…lol. XDXDXDXD

                      You are such a good writer! I can’t wait to read more ❤️❤️.

                      Aww, girl, thank you!!! ❤️❤️❤️ And don’t worry, I’m working on writing more right now. 😉

                      #122711
                      Madelyn
                      @madelyn
                        • Rank: Loyal Sidekick
                        • Total Posts: 115

                        @freedomwriter76

                        Wow, impressive!! I like it a lot and want to read more of it!! 😀

                        Like other people already said, the brother dynamic is fantastic!

                        One thing I noticed that was super cool was how you cycled through writing a bit from the perspective of each brother. First Leo, then Joshua, then Jakob, then Reuben, then Wolfgang. That was really well done, and an awesome tactic to accustom your readers to the characters without having to describe each one from an outside perspective.

                        I love the conversation between Joshua and Leo; their relationship was really cool as Joshua, who looked up to Leo, at the same time was trying to tell Leo what he didn’t want to hear. Really really interesting situation with Leo and Joshua, who seem so close, but vastly disagree on the most important topic possible. Such a complicated situation… which can only lead to a great story ;P I’d be interested to see what the rest of the brothers believe about God, and whether they agree with Joshua or Leo or are split amongst themselves.

                        The only part I was a little confused at was this:

                        “They’ll expect us to be at church, Joshua, you know that. To keep up their image, remember?”

                        “I remember. How could I forget? But we could simply say we’re going to another church, even if it’s only for one Sunday, and everything would be fine.”

                        Leo turned to face him, and the brothers’ matching brown eyes met. “You know that’s not true.”

                        I thought that “they” refered to pastor and the church they were invited to (since I wasn’t aware that the boys’ parents were in the picture). Then I thought Joshua was suggesting they give the excuse to the pastor that they were attending another church, which wasn’t apparently wasn’t true.

                        Once I got the full picture and was skimming back through it, I understood it, but at the time it was confusing. But hey, maybe that was just me XD

                        I really love how Joshua stands apart from the others in how he confronts Leo about his view of God, and even the fact that he was doing his morning Bible reading. If I were to pick a favorite… *cough* *not-so-subtly point at Joshua* *cough*

                        I loved the part at the end with the brothers playing their game and interacting! It gave a cool view into their close relationship–which, in light of their difficult circumstances, is especially touching.

                        I am curious about one point, because you briefly mentioned there being a star on Joshua’s jacket. I vaguely recall the Jews in WW2 having to wear stars, so does that mean the brothers are Jewish?

                        Overall, you did a fantastic job introducing chararcters, foreshadowing confict, and setting up character arcs… it was all really good 😀

                        One last thing I’ll mention is that it took me a quite a bit to understand the ages and birth order of the boys. At the beginning I thought Wolfgang and Reuben were fairly young boys and that Jakob and Joshua were older than Leo (because they were taller than him). Then I realized that Joshua was second born, and shortly after that Jakob was younger too. Then, when you mentioned that Wolfgang was 18, I realized they were all adults or almost adults. I’m pretty sure now the birth order is Leo, Joshua, Jakob, and I’m not sure if Wolfgang or Reuben is the youngest because Wolfgang thought of the other boys as “his older brothers” but Jakob called Reuben their little brother.

                         

                        Anyhowwww it was SUPER good and I couldn’t help writing up this long post about it 😉 Honestly, I really enjoyed it… and I already feel attatched to the characters XD

                        Keep up the awesome work!!!!

                        (Alsoooo, I don’t think I’ve talked to you before, so hey, nice to meet you!!! :D)

                         

                        ~In Christ Alone My Hope Is Found~

                        #122718
                        Anonymous
                          • Rank: Chosen One
                          • Total Posts: 8156

                          @madelyn.

                          Wow, impressive!! I like it a lot and want to read more of it!! 😀

                          Aww, thank you!!!! That means much more than you know!!! <3

                          Like other people already said, the brother dynamic is fantastic!

                          Thank you!!! I love brother dynamics, and I’m so happy to hear everyone loves theirs. 😉

                          One thing I noticed that was super cool was how you cycled through writing a bit from the perspective of each brother. First Leo, then Joshua, then Jakob, then Reuben, then Wolfgang. That was really well done, and an awesome tactic to accustom your readers to the characters without having to describe each one from an outside perspective.

                          Thank you!!! I’m glad! Almost all of my books have different POV’s, but this one so far has the most, so I’m glad I’m doing it well. XD I didn’t even think about the tactic, I was just writing, lol, which is normally how it goes…xD

                          I love the conversation between Joshua and Leo; their relationship was really cool as Joshua, who looked up to Leo, at the same time was trying to tell Leo what he didn’t want to hear.

                          Thank you!!! Yessss….that part is probably my favorite part so far. 😀 So I’m glad you like it!!!

                          Really really interesting situation with Leo and Joshua, who seem so close, but vastly disagree on the most important topic possible. Such a complicated situation… which can only lead to a great story ;P

                          Oh yeah…it’s…uh…a very interesting situation. And yes, complicated situations!? What makes a story better than that!? XD

                          I’d be interested to see what the rest of the brothers believe about God, and whether they agree with Joshua or Leo or are split amongst themselves.

                          Don’t you worry, it shall be revealed as time goes on…trying to not infodump everyone…XD

                          I thought that “they” refered to pastor and the church they were invited to (since I wasn’t aware that the boys’ parents were in the picture). Then I thought Joshua was suggesting they give the excuse to the pastor that they were attending another church, which wasn’t apparently wasn’t true.

                          Once I got the full picture and was skimming back through it, I understood it, but at the time it was confusing. But hey, maybe that was just me XD

                          I can see how that’s confusing! I’m kind of revealing their home life bit by bit, kinda like a puzzle, if you know what I mean.

                          But was it too confusing? If so, sorry about that…heh.

                          I really love how Joshua stands apart from the others in how he confronts Leo about his view of God, and even the fact that he was doing his morning Bible reading. If I were to pick a favorite… *cough* *not-so-subtly point at Joshua* *cough*

                          Lol. XD I love that about him too, and so glad you love Joshua!!! He certainly does stand a bit out from the others right now.

                          I loved the part at the end with the brothers playing their game and interacting! It gave a cool view into their close relationship–which, in light of their difficult circumstances, is especially touching.

                          Thank you!!! That was one of my favorite parts to write. I needed something light and happy, not just the sadness, lol. XD

                          I am curious about one point, because you briefly mentioned there being a star on Joshua’s jacket. I vaguely recall the Jews in WW2 having to wear stars, so does that mean the brothers are Jewish?

                          Yep! You’re piecing the pieces of the puzzle together!!! XD

                          Overall, you did a fantastic job introducing chararcters, foreshadowing confict, and setting up character arcs… it was all really good 😀

                          Thank you!!! <333 I’m doing my best…XD

                          One last thing I’ll mention is that it took me a quite a bit to understand the ages and birth order of the boys. At the beginning I thought Wolfgang and Reuben were fairly young boys and that Jakob and Joshua were older than Leo (because they were taller than him). Then I realized that Joshua was second born, and shortly after that Jakob was younger too. Then, when you mentioned that Wolfgang was 18, I realized they were all adults or almost adults. I’m pretty sure now the birth order is Leo, Joshua, Jakob, and I’m not sure if Wolfgang or Reuben is the youngest because Wolfgang thought of the other boys as “his older brothers” but Jakob called Reuben their little brother.

                          I can see how that can be confusing…xD Still working on all that without EXPLICITLY stating their exact ages, lol, but Wolfgang is the youngest. Jakob called Reuben “little” because he’s older than him. But I see what you mean! Thankfully, we writers write in drafts!!! XD

                          Anyhowwww it was SUPER good and I couldn’t help writing up this long post about it 😉 Honestly, I really enjoyed it… and I already feel attatched to the characters XD

                          Keep up the awesome work!!!!

                          Thank you sooo much!!!! I’m so glad you’re attached already!!! Because I certainly am…XD

                          But again, thank you!!! Thank you for reading, all your kind words, and your critique!!! <333

                          (Alsoooo, I don’t think I’ve talked to you before, so hey, nice to meet you!!! :D)

                          HI!!! I’ve seen you around, but I didn’t say Hi. *face-palms* Hello now, though!!! 😀

                          #122722
                          Anonymous
                            • Rank: Chosen One
                            • Total Posts: 8156

                            *looks back through manuscript*

                            Oh, @madelyn, you probably just missed it, (bc I miss things in books all the time…I’m a speed reader, lol. XDXDXD) but apparently, I did say Wolfgang was the youngest, which I didn’t even remember…XD

                            Don’t feel bad that you missed it tho, it was only one mention, and even I forgot I had put it there! 😀

                            #122743
                            Anonymous
                              • Rank: Chosen One
                              • Total Posts: 8156

                              @godlyfantasy12. @mineralizedwritings. @lightoverdarkness6. @madelyn.

                               

                              Chapter 4

                              They stepped into the dining room, Leo leading the way, his younger brothers all behind him.

                              “Oh, there the Jews are…right on time.”

                              Leo ignored his oldest stepbrother, instead sitting down at the table. “We’re always on time, Adolphus.”

                              “That’s negotiable.”

                              Leo ignored his other stepbrother.

                              Adolphus laughed and nodded. “That’s true, Dietrich.”

                              Leo ignored them both, as his brothers sat down, all beside each other.

                              “Aww, Leo, gonna be quiet today, are you? You sure you don’t want to correct us…?” Adolphus mocked.

                              Annalise flipped a black braid, still eating breakfast. “Maybe Leo’s finally figured out how to be smart.”

                              Steffi giggled and nodded in agreement. “Yeah, Annalise, maybe so.”

                              Leo ignored his younger half-sisters too. Just like he did his older stepbrothers.

                              A plate was set down in front of him, and Leo looked up at Frau Adelman, the cook, with a grateful smile. “Thank you,” he mouthed.

                              She nodded and smiled back, moving to give his brothers each a plate as well.

                              “Wolfgang…what’s wrong with your oldest brother?” Steffi whispered, leaning close to Wolfgang.

                              If she thought no one else could hear her, she was dead wrong.

                              Wolfgang looked at her confused. “There’s nothing wrong with him…why would you think there is…?”

                              “Then why isn’t he talking…?”

                              Jakob rolled his eyes. “Because he wants to be quiet and eat, Steffi. Lay off.”

                              Dietrich glared at Jakob from across the table. “Don’t talk to her like that.”

                              Jakob glared back. “And what are you going to do…?” He snarled.

                              Dietrich’s eyebrows raised, just as the clearing of a throat sounded.

                              They all turned to face Felix, who sat at the front end of the long table, in full, black, shiny uniform, smoking a cigar. He let out a puff of smoke. The skull and crossbones on his hat glistened in the sunlight streaming through a tall dining room window. “Shut your mouths and eat. We all have things to do, and I don’t have time to deal with five problems right now.”

                              Leo turned away from his father and back to his food.

                              Problems…problems…that’s what they were?

                              Problems?

                              He saw Jakob’s knuckles go white as he clutched the fork in his hands.

                              Leo’s threatened to do the same, but he slowly released them.

                              “Love, darling. Love is what makes this world beautiful.”

                              Leo shut his eyes against the words. The memory.

                              Maybe once the memories had been cherished.

                              Now…they were only painful.

                              Leo slowly opened his eyes, just as heels clicked against the floor.

                              Frida stepped into the room, hair up in curls on top of her head, with a jacket, feathered hat, and gloves on. “Well, Felix, darling, I’m off to visit Eleanor…”

                              “Fine by me.” Felix replied gruffly. “I’m going to be meeting with my brother and a few other officers this evening.”

                              Frida nodded and smiled. “And Adolphus, Dietrich, both do well at the prison and Stalag Luft. Annalise, Steffi, have a good day at school and your youth meeting, and Leo…Joshua…Jakob…Reuben…Wolfgang…”

                              Leo looked up, meeting his stepmother’s eyes.

                              “…Don’t get into trouble at work. After all, Leo, we don’t want a repeat of last week’s lesson, do we, dear?”

                              Leo swallowed his bite of food and nodded, forcing the words from his lips. “No, Mutti.”

                              ~*~

                              Joshua cut the canvas that would likely later be put on a German truck or used as a parachute, as men around him did the same.

                              ‘So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.’

                              Found in the book of Colossians.

                              Though working at the factory wasn’t his choice, he could make the most of it.

                              ‘For God works all things together for good; for those who are called according to his purpose.’

                              That was from the book of Romans.

                              He’d read it again just this morning. It was one of his favorite verses.

                              The factory was quiet, save for the sound of guards’ boots clicking against the factory floor.

                              But when guards weren’t nearby or when it was lunch break, talk flourished. Talk in German, Polish, Russian, Hebrew, Yiddish, Ukrainian, and other languages that Joshua didn’t even know what they were called.

                              And he could only understand one of them.

                              A bell rang, signaling lunch break, and Joshua rubbed his eyes. Had it been six hours already?

                              He followed all of the others into a small mess hall, getting his meager ration. He sat down on a bench, bowing his head to pray over the food.

                              “Amen,” he finished, just as someone nudged his shoulder.

                              He looked up to see an older man with black hair, talking to him, fast, but Joshua didn’t understand a word he said.

                              “Uhm…I’m sorry sir…but I don’t know anything but German.” He whispered softly, smiling warmly.

                              The man raised an eyebrow, swapping to German. “You don’t? You’re a Jew, son, and you don’t know the language!?”

                              “I’m sorry sir, but I never-“

                              “Don’t you know who that is, Jeremiah? That’s one of the Baumann boys.” A young man said, suddenly standing. “Listen, what are you doing here?”

                              “I’m forced to-“

                              “I’m sure you could work your way around it. Your family is rich…your father is in the Schutzstaffel. You could easily be away from it.”

                              “I-it’s not that simple.” Joshua replied quietly, as the man stepped closer to him.

                              “Oh, is that so?” The man asked, bottomless rage in his eyes, same as Joshua had seen so many times in Jakob.

                              Suddenly, a man walked over, grabbing the angry man’s bicep, and pulling him away, a language spewing from his lips, but Joshua couldn’t quite tell which one it was.

                              The angry man glared one last time and walked away, the old man beside him. The man who had stopped him walked over and sat down across from Joshua with a sigh. “Sorry about that. Noam can be…feisty, to put it simply.”

                              Joshua slowly nodded. “I have a younger brother that’s very much the same. Thank you for helping me. I’m Joshua. Joshua Baumann.”

                              The black-haired man smiled and stuck out his hand. “Leon Wagner.”

                              Joshua took his hand and shook it. “Nice to meet you, Leon.”

                              Leon smiled and nodded. “And to you as well, Joshua.”

                              #122744
                              Elishavet Elroi
                              @elishavet-pidyon
                                • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
                                • Total Posts: 1101

                                @freedomwriter76

                                O.O These are awesome!!!

                                You have listened to fears, child. Come, let me breathe on you... Are you brave again? -Aslan

                                #122746
                                Anonymous
                                  • Rank: Chosen One
                                  • Total Posts: 8156

                                  @elishavet-pidyon. Aww, thank you!!!! <333

                                  And so glad you love their brother dynamics!!! I’m so glad everyone loves their brother dynamics…my favorite part is still Leo and Joshua’s conversation. 😉

                                Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 38 total)
                                • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
                                >