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@ellette-giselle @whalekeeper @keilah-h @stephie @theducktator
Before I move on to writing the first draft of book II, I want to get a feel for how writing my magic system with the changes I decided to make. I have rewritten Chapter the 30th to get this. What do you think? If you think this works, I will replace what I currently have in my second draft with this.
Sometimes it is necessary to paint the sky black in order to see the stars.
@linus-smallprint I think that works!
"When in doubt, eat cheese crackers."-me to my charries who don't even know about cheese crackers
I like this much better. I feel more comfortable, but it also plays into the allegory style better. (At least in my opinion)
my only suggestion (besides fine combing because there were a few typos) is old be this paragraph.
I do not know what Alan thought as he used the spell, so instead of telling you that, let’s say he instead focused on the lyen guards. He tried to block out the noise of their words, imagining grunts and roars in their place. (I know magic does not work this way, or else wizards could do anything they put their mind to.) Suddenly, the world around him blurred and faded away.
it just feels a little odd, maybe even out of place. I would chop it up a little so that it reads more like this:
I do not know what Alan thought as he used the spell, and I won’t pretend to. All I know is that he focused on (or you could say “he looked at”) the lyen guards. He tried to block out the noise of their words, and began to cast his spell. Suddenly, the world around him blurred and faded away.
This feels more in keeping with the above paragraphs instead of trying to have an alternate sort of version. It also makes more sense to the reader and we get enough information as it is.
HOWEVER if you like the other way better then go ahead. Again, this is your book and in the end, you’re the author. These are just my opinions.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
Thanks for the feedback! I thing I will go with this then.
In regards to your suggestion, Ellette, I think I might go with something that. I noticed in those paragraphs, I had fallen back into the narration style I used in the first draft. (Awkward! Overly Defensive!) This is probably part of why it feels odd to you. The version you provided fits better with the style I am trying to achieve.
Sometimes it is necessary to paint the sky black in order to see the stars.
@linus-smallprint you’re welcome! Looking forward to book 2!
"When in doubt, eat cheese crackers."-me to my charries who don't even know about cheese crackers
awesome! Glad I could be of help.
I think we’re all a little defensive of our stuff. 😂
I remember when you kept criticizing Aaron I was crushed because he’s a lot like me and I felt like you were criticizing me and saying I was a cardboard cutout. It took a few weeks for me to separate myself from him and see your criticism as helpful!😂
(which I’m actually really grateful for it looking back. ☺️)
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
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