- This topic has 576 replies, 10 voices, and was last updated 15 hours, 20 minutes ago by
.
-
Posts
-
@linus-smallprint Merry Christmas!
Do the races of Ehverwyld have a Christmas equivalent?
"When in doubt, eat cheese crackers."-me to my charries who don't even know about cheese crackers
Hmmmm the challenge which all of us Christian writers face…writing good scenes where the characters pray.
I’m not going to pretend to be good at this.
However, I do have a couple things to point out. Firstly, I noticed that you like to write down the entire prayer in italics like the character’s thoughts. Now, this works sometimes, especially with shorter prayers. But you’ve got whole paragraphs of just that. This is from towards the end of Chapter the 33rd:
Great King, I thank you that you have adopted me as your child. I could never deserve this. I’ve used magic to destroy what you have given me, even returning to it after I knew it was wrong and against you. I’ve been selfish for my own heroism. Let my anger control me and tried to kill someone for doing the same things as I did. And yet, because The Saviour died for me and I trust in him, you have forgiven me and are now my Father.
I thank you that you will never leave me. You’re always there for me. I am never alone. I thank you that nothing will ever separate me from you and your love that I could never deserve. And you are a Father to my dad as well! You have a home for both of us. He may die, but he will be reunited with you in your kingdom. Use this moment to your glory. Show Klaw, and even all of Ehverwyld your goodness. Help them not to see an uncaring creator, who has forsaken us into the hand of Iskyagus, but one who saves all who come to you through your Son, The Saviour. Help Ehverwyld to trust in him, and Help my trust to grow as well.
Right now, Alan is accepting that his father is going to die as a result of him making the right choice. He’s remembering all of the things his father has told him about the Saviour, and thanking the Great King for being a Father to him even if Charles dies.
This is an emotional moment, but I don’t see much emotion in Alan’s prayer.
I would suggest pausing in between fragments of prayer and describing what Alan is doing and feeling in that moment. Kind of like what you did here:
Let us praise The Great King! He is a Father to both of us now.
That was what Charles had said after Alan had turned to The Saviour. Alan raised his head again. He hadn’t thought much about it then. The Great King was his Father? The creator had adopted him as his child?
We see Alan distraught, his head dropped, remembering, and we see a little light bulb go off and lift his head like a hot air balloon. He’s remembered something good. Something hopeful. Knowing what Alan’s doing here adds so much more meaning.
Eek I ranted sorry"Io non ho bisogno di denaro.
Ho bisogno di sentimenti."Merry Christmas!!!
Oh I saw that coming! This is good, Linus. I do have one complaint.
This is an emotional moment, but I don’t see much emotion in Alan’s prayer.
I would suggest pausing in between fragments of prayer and describing what Alan is doing and feeling in that moment.
Exactly. This was just what I was thinking while reading. You were doing really good and you had me really feeling like I was getting into the story. Things seemed very real to me. Then, at this point, I felt like you lost it. So yeah, definitely what @stephie says about maybe putting some fragments in between of his physical reactions. This scene was making me think of the similar one I wrote for my Aaron in LTBL. Maybe you could show a little more of the struggle like Aaron had. Maybe Alan is drumming out his pain and fear against the floor. Maybe he gets a little argumentative with God or himself. Show the pain and struggle here and show that if there was any other way in all the world to still obey the Savior and save his father, he would do it in a moment, no matter the pain or danger that would be inflicted upon himself.
Also, the whole tears of joy thing at the end….. that felt a little unbelievable. I mean, some hot headed king is about to murder his father. I kinda doubt that would be the response. Especially at this moment while Charles is still alive. It is perfectly fine to be completely heartbroken and still trusting God. The Bible says Jesus wept over Lazarus, and he was about to raise him from the dead! You could say that the despair was replaced by trust, or the terror was washed away by peace, but I don’t see the sorrow to joy thing at this moment. Maybe he can feel a tiny glimmer of joy for the peace his father is going to find, but the pain and sorrow is really going to be overwhelming that. Alan’s father seems to be the closest, dearest person in his life, so picture the closest dearest person in your life and then think of how you would feel if you had to make Alan’s choice.
If you want to have joy or bittersweet, I would save that until after Charles dies. (assuming he does die.) Then, weather Alan sees it or is told of it, he can cry from the pain of the loss, but also have the peace and even joy knowing where his father is. I feel like that emotion is more powerful and more believable in that situation then right now when he feels like he’s got the weight of the world on his shoulders and Charles is still alive. Once he dies, it’s over and he’s safe, but while he’s still alive that joy feeling is ot really going to be a factor. You know what I mean?
And I rambled too.
But hey, this is a really important chapter!
This is what I was listening to while reading. It really fits this time.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
Do the races of Ehverwyld have a Christmas equivalent?
Possibly? The only holiday I have figured out for Klaw is Arsakora Day, which is a lyenized kentor holiday in spring to celebrate trees. (It was talked about in Chapter the 12th – The Memory). I know they have some winter holiday, but it could be very similar or very different to our Christmas. And if it is, it won’t be celebrated worldwide. They are a lot more likely to celebrate new years than Christmas.
Sometimes it is necessary to paint the sky black in order to see the stars.
Eek I ranted sorry.No worries. I rant all the time, just ask @ellette-giselle.
Thank you both for your feedback on the emotional scene. Heh heh. Maybe one day I will learn how to make my characters emotional, but your advice will help me, thanks for it. Where would the both of you say the emotion fell off in the chapter? Was it around the time he started praying, or earlier?
Also, what do you think of the transition to Martha and the rest of The Faithful? Does this add to the scene, or take away from it? If it takes away, do you think there si a way I can change it so that it adds to instead?
Once he dies, it’s over and he’s safe, but while he’s still alive that joy feeling is ot really going to be a factor. You know what I mean? – Ellette
Okay. Makes sense. I will change that.
This is what I was listening to while reading. It really fits this time. – Ellette
Thanks!
Also, one more question.
Pulls in @keilah-h for this one.
I didn’t realize that Alan being forced to use magic was similar to the gorbs forcing Aaron and Oliver Wilson to become wizards until I was writing on this chapter. So I had to come up with a reason on the spot to explain why Oliver was helping Cyrus. Did his reasons for walking away from Alan make sense?
Sometimes it is necessary to paint the sky black in order to see the stars.
I didn’t realize that Alan being forced to use magic was similar to the gorbs forcing Aaron and Oliver Wilson to become wizards until I was writing on this chapter. So I had to come up with a reason on the spot to explain why Oliver was helping Cyrus. Did his reasons for walking away from Alan make sense?
The way I looked at it was Oliver was trying to justify himself and was kind of in denial over being wrong. I think you pulled it off pretty well; it didn’t seem unnatural to me.
"Io non ho bisogno di denaro.
Ho bisogno di sentimenti."@linus-smallprint oh ok! Makes sense!
I didn’t realize that Alan being forced to use magic was similar to the gorbs forcing Aaron and Oliver Wilson to become wizards until I was writing on this chapter. So I had to come up with a reason on the spot to explain why Oliver was helping Cyrus. Did his reasons for walking away from Alan make sense?
The reasons made sense. Although I’m a little suspicious as to whether the lyens really wanna help the gorbs’ society improve, or if they have ulterior motives. From what we’ve seen of the lyens and their rulers (at least Klaw’s), I don’t know if I trust them to rule over several continents.
(also, how come humans aren’t a little more upset that lyens seem to think they’re the dominant species? Is there a human-centric country or are they just all over without a specific homeland?)
"When in doubt, eat cheese crackers."-me to my charries who don't even know about cheese crackers
(also, how come humans aren’t a little more upset that lyens seem to think they’re the dominant species? Is there a human-centric country or are they just all over without a specific homeland?)
Hmmm that’s interesting, @linus-smallprint . You’d think they’d be at least a little bit upset, if they’re at all like humans in our world. We really like being in control; that’s been demonstrated since the fall.
"Io non ho bisogno di denaro.
Ho bisogno di sentimenti."(also, how come humans aren’t a little more upset that lyens seem to think they’re the dominant species? Is there a human-centric country or are they just all over without a specific homeland?)
Yes, the humans are upset, this just hasn’t been the focus of the story, and with other things to focus on, such as getting rid of the monster, Alan or worries about Iskyagus, this has not been shown much. I can add some subtle hints later that humans are upset about this. Lyens have so far prevailed over the humans, which they use as proof that they are better. (And then some depend on human slaves to win these wars, which just shows the opposite.)
Humans are spread all over Ehverwyld. Usually, the natives of the land are humans and one other race. The continent of New Savahanah (containing countries like Klaw and Kentora), is an exception as it contains three native intelligent species (humans, kentors, and kunulfs). There are a total of 13 different races, but humans are the only ones who live all over Ehverwyld.
Sometimes it is necessary to paint the sky black in order to see the stars.
@ellette-giselle @stephie @keilah-h @theducktator @loopylin @theshadow @whalekeeper
Happy Boxing Day! (do you celebrate this in the USA?) Let’s box this draft up with the final chapter!
There is one more thing I need to write for this that I will do later. A discussion guide for the reader. After that I will have some questions for you to all answer about this draft. Then we can also discuss my magic system. I am going to give it a break before I move onto my next WIP: writing the first draft of TNPT: Book II – The Sword. If you don’t mind, I may also have some questions for you as I try to figure out the plot of that book.
Thank you so much for sticking around and reading this as well as your comments! This helped me get through this draft. (Especially you, Ellette. Knowing that at least one person was going to comment on every single chapter really helped me move forward.) Your feedback was all appreciated and helpful! I look forward to what you will say to the story as a whole!
Sometimes it is necessary to paint the sky black in order to see the stars.
@linus-smallprint I don’t know if Boxing Day is widely celebrated in America, but it is at the very least on our calendars.
I’ll get right to it! Can’t believe this is the last chapter tbh
"When in doubt, eat cheese crackers."-me to my charries who don't even know about cheese crackers
@ellette-giselle @stephie @keilah-h @theducktator @loopylin @theshadow @whalekeeper
End credits song! (This was the most fitting version of this song I could find. As an aside, if you haven’t, look up the history of this song, you really should.)
Sometimes it is necessary to paint the sky black in order to see the stars.
I don’t know if Boxing Day is widely celebrated in America, but it is at the very least on our calendars.
Ah, okay. It’s pretty much like a second Black Friday here.
Sometimes it is necessary to paint the sky black in order to see the stars.
@linus-smallprint oh so that’s what is. I never knew until now.
Also the “credits” song is beautiful! It fits really well with the story.
"When in doubt, eat cheese crackers."-me to my charries who don't even know about cheese crackers
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.