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Let’s be honest. This wasn’t surprising, was it? Rour warned you several times.
You can successfully torture your readers.
It’s part of the job.
What do you think of Alan’s logic for deciding to go back?
Just met the second crow, but I’m pausing to call something.
I think it’s his mother.
Maybe.
Maybe indeed, Ellete.
#noSpoilers
(I will let you know that some of my readers for my first draft guessed the same thing, but that proves nothing.)
In chapter the 28th, I did notice that some of the dialogue between Alan and his father is a bit stiff. For example:
I figured you would say something of the sort, Stephie. I was trying to improve this as I was writing it, but I was not sure how.
I think I may struggle with this partially be because my Dad and I are not very emotional and struggle with being sincere, and sometimes can seem stiff. My interactions with him naturally are what I refer to for these scenes, so Alan and Charles have picked it up.
Do you have any advice for how to improve them?
Thank you both for your feedback!
Also, thank you for saying something again. I was growing a little worried that no one other than Ellette was still reading since she has been the only one to respond for the past few chapters. So I’m glad to know you are still reading!
@linus-smallprint I’m still reading! I just haven’t had the chance to critique the chapters.
"When in doubt, eat cheese crackers."-me to my charries who don't even know about cheese crackers
Good to know. Thanks, Keilah!
@linus-smallprint ok!!
Let’s get to it!
-I see the king is trying to convince Oliver and Tyn to talk Alan into magic again. Yikes. I hope they don’t go through with it. I also read when Alan is going to try to use the magic himself, which won’t be good.
Why does the crow seem to be sentient? Why does it want him to use the magic? Is this something all crows do or just this one?
-As for Oliver’s slang patterns (cause I’ve been researching that for my own Australian characters,) I wasn’t sure if he’d use “mate” when referring to Tyn, considering she’s female, but I looked it up and they’re saying the word is typically neutral, and actually referring to her as any of the other common words would probably imply a romantic relationship, not a platonic one (and the Tyn-Oliver friendship is DEFINITELY platonic, so you don’t want that).
-Who is Iskyagus? What species is he?
I won’t be mad if that’s a secret and a spoiler though, I actually have the exact same thing in one of my own stories. The secretive presumed-mastermind of my current work, we don’t even know what species she is.
-For some reason I like the name Huntt for a town. It just seems like it would look cool on a map.
"When in doubt, eat cheese crackers."-me to my charries who don't even know about cheese crackers
that’s what (frustratingly) keeps me from being able to say this scene doesn’t work.
I don’t like you at all.
yes! Yes it does make sense, and I hate that I’m saying it, but it fits.
I doubly don’t like you.
I also agree that the interactions seem very stiff or formal, but I wasn’t sure if that’s what you’re going for.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
Thank you for the feedback!
Why does the crow seem to be sentient? Why does it want him to use the magic? Is this something all crows do or just this one?
I can only answer the last question. This is unusual behaviour for a crow in Ehverwyld. Most of their crows are just like ours. Smart for birds, but not sentient.
Who is Iskyagus? What species is he?
Yup. Sorry. Can’t say. #noSpiloers
But you will get some more clues soon.
I won’t be mad if that’s a secret and a spoiler though, I actually have the exact same thing in one of my own stories. The secretive presumed-mastermind of my current work, we don’t even know what species she is.
The mystery is fun.
For some reason I like the name Huntt for a town. It just seems like it would look cool on a map.
One of these days, I need to actually finish my map. Here is an outdated version if you are curious. In the second draft, Pryde is further down the river, closer to Nearland. Huntt is not on and I am trying to figure out its percice location:
that’s what (frustratingly) keeps me from being able to say this scene doesn’t work.
Part of my mission as an author is to get Christians to consider things they wouldn’t normally do and to think about them. Now that Alan’s joined The Faithful, we are starting to get into this. (Once I am done with this draft, I will write up a series of discussion questions to get the reader to think through.)
We haven’t reached a final answer in the story yet though. Keep reading (one I post the next two chapters of course).
This is also the dark side of the character we often consider the self-sacrificing hero, which is interesting to explore.
I also agree that the interactions seem very stiff or formal, but I wasn’t sure if that’s what you’re going for.
To be honest, I am not so sure either.
@linus-smallprint ah. Makes sense.
By the way, how did native-to-Earth animals get to Ehverwyld? I can see the otherworldly animals like vandergrits and dragons having been there since that world’s creation, but what about the crows and horses, etc.? Did they come through the same portals that humans did, but by sheer accident? Or were they created there (Like God just kinda copy-pasted horses and crows and whatnot from Earth to Ehverwyld during its creation, if you know what I mean)
"When in doubt, eat cheese crackers."-me to my charries who don't even know about cheese crackers
I think I may struggle with this partially be because my Dad and I are not very emotional and struggle with being sincere, and sometimes can seem stiff. My interactions with him naturally are what I refer to for these scenes, so Alan and Charles have picked it up.
.Ah, I see. I have a very close relationship with my Dad, so I suppose the dialogue seems off to me because of that.
Do you have any advice for how to improve them?
Well, now that I think about it a little bit more, the awkward sort of interaction might have its place. I mean, they’ve spent years apart. On the other hand, however, they’ve had emotional experiences together as father and son, and I think they’ve gotten past the stiffness. They do seem to be close.
So if you wanted to make it less stiff, I would suggest making it messy. To elaborate: I’ve observed that, when they talked, Alan and Charles said exactly what they wanted to say, exactly how they wanted to say it. Pretty much. When I talk, I find that sometimes I have difficulty expressing what I mean in the best way possible. I do tend to say what comes to mind much more freely around those who love me (aka my family) because they know me and if I say something stupid it’s fine. So maybe have them make little mistakes or hesitate?
Here’s an example from the conversations of my family right now. For context, my parents are unloading the van from shopping.
Dad: The two ten percents for church.
Mom: Ten percents?
Dad: The cream.
See what I mean? They’re not communicating perfectly, but that’s how people talk.
I would also suggest giving them little things they do, just for them. Here’s an example: my dad and I kind of play fight, which I can’t really do with anyone else (especially not mom. NEVER ROUGHHOUSE WITH MOM lol). It will make them feel a lot closer if there’s some sort of uniqueness to their relationship, something only father and son share.
I hope that helps! 🙂
Also, I love the map! I don’t know, something about maps of fantasy worlds just gets at me. *Smiles dreamily, looking back towards The Lord of the Rings* I also like the name Huntt for a town; it just seems to fit.
"Io non ho bisogno di denaro.
Ho bisogno di sentimenti."Alan, must you do something stupid????😩 This is so not going to end well.
Just met the second crow, but I’m pausing to call something.
I think it’s his mother.
Maybe.
Ooh, good theory.
Seriously, that gave me the ugh-the-main-character-is-doing-something-stupid sinking feeling in my stomach
Same.
Tempus adest gratiae
Hoc quod optabamus,
Carmina laetitiae
Devote reddamus!I love the map!!!
Okay, have fund being a terrible person and making all your readers mad at you.
lol.
It is super frustrating tho. HE WAS ON THE RIGHT TRACK!!
*sobs*
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
By the way, how did native-to-Earth animals get to Ehverwyld? I can see the otherworldly animals like vandergrits and dragons having been there since that world’s creation, but what about the crows and horses, etc.? Did they come through the same portals that humans did, but by sheer accident? Or were they created there (Like God just kinda copy-pasted horses and crows and whatnot from Earth to Ehverwyld during its creation, if you know what I mean)
From the way I have things set up, I suppose there would be crows native to both Earth and Ehverwyld with no difference between the two.
I hope that helps! 🙂
Yes it does, thank you! I will come back to this later and come up with some ideas.
Also, I love the map! I don’t know, something about maps of fantasy worlds just gets at me. *Smiles dreamily, looking back towards The Lord of the Rings* I also like the name Huntt for a town; it just seems to fit.
I love the map!!!
Thanks, both of you! One of these days, I will actually make the up-to-date version.
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