The Narrow Path Trilogy Book I: The Cost

[Linus Smallprint]

@ellette-giselle

Ah, okay.

In that case, I don’t want to dig into it too much at the moment, since his character is going nowhere else in book 1, but I definitely am planning to deal with this in book 2. Maybe I will see if I can add a sense of shame into the end of that last chapter, but that will be it.

Where exactly are you hoping Eric’s character to go? How do you want him to feel?

[Ellette Giselle]

@linus-smallprint

Um, I want him to be redeemed. lol.

For this I want to see him reacting in shame. If this is a big deal, I need to see it as a big deal.

Like, what is the most shameful or embarrassing thing that ever happened to you? (Don’t actually answer that. lol) Think how it made you feel, and then put yourself in the woods with some bad-guys. How would you react?

I may be TOTALLY off on this, but i feel like you yourself have not gotten into Eric an tried being him. If that makes sense.

Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God

[Linus Smallprint]

@ellette-giselle

I may be TOTALLY off on this, but i feel like you yourself have not gotten into Eric an tried being him. If that makes sense.

This is kind of a funny and ironic thing to say. Of all my characters, I was not expecting you to say this about Eric. Confession time. Most of my characters are me in some way. Alan is my worries, guilt, and some of my nerdiness. Martha is how I feel about being the eldest child and my responsibility. Tyn is my fear of being controlled. But the one who is the most like me is Eric. There are some differences (for example [spoiler alert] Eric is not a Christian and is more careless than I am). But like him, I am tall, skinny, and not very strong. I don’t like sports (sorry sports lovers, these are boring) or other physical activities and would much rather be sitting at a desk writing/drawing/coding/reading/building LEGO MOCs. (Though I do on the rare occasion wrestle with my brother. The days where I can still beat him are growing thin.) This was not even intentional. When I went to revamp the original version of Eric with some new ideas I had, I had a story in mind, and set up his character for it. It was only after that I realized he turned out to be a lot like me! (Which was a really weird feeling and I learned some things about myself through this.) I kind of view Eric as a dark version of myself. What I might have become if I had not been saved.

Needless to say, a lot of the way Eric thinks or reacts I pull from myself. The drawing scene at the beginning of the chapter titled The Eraser, I have done that exact same thing many times. So to have you say that I need to get in his head is funny. It might be that since I have thankfully never been thrown in the situation Eric was in at the end of the last chapter, I just put in how I though a version of myself might react instead of thinking it fully through. I probably can write a better ending to this if I tried, because I do know what it is like to be weak and useless for a guy.

I also was thinking it would be better to have his last thoughts you read in book 1 be a little less depressing and shameful so that the reader would not be left wondering, ‘but what about that guy?’ at the end of the story. So I held back on his shame and embarassment. Do you think it is better if we are left with negative thoughts instead? (also, anyone else who is reading this, what do you think?)

 

[whaley]

@linus-smallprint

(also, anyone else who is reading this, what do you think?)

You have a very sensible writer voice, with hints of humor and warmth. I think because of your semi-calm tone, you don’t seem like the kind of person who would write a super intense POV scene of shame for Eric, at least not until the arc’s climax.

And from what I can tell from my casual reading (my apologies, if you make the earlier chapters available then I will read them 😋), Eric has had some attention, but isn’t meant to be on the readers’ minds 24/7. So if you tried to stuff a bunch of his feelings in this scene, it would seem like a much bigger plot point for book 1 than you might want.

“Everything is a mountain”

[whaley]

Of course you can do whatever you want, I’m playing the other side’s advocate so you have balanced reasons for whatever you do.

But the one who is the most like me is Eric.

I actually wondered if that was the case. XD Largely because Eric was drawing stuff in the first scene I saw him in.

• This reply was modified 20 hours, 31 minutes ago by whaley.

“Everything is a mountain”

[The Ducktator]

@linus-smallprint

Yay! I was wondering when we would figure out what happened to Martha. I hope Eric gets captured though.

The squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual this winter. I've already lost 3 relatives.

[Ellette Giselle]

@theducktator  @linus-smallprint

I hope Eric gets captured though.

I felt the same way, except that I don’t know and like him enough to really care if he does.

 

 

Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God

[Ellette Giselle]

@linus-smallprint

Oh.

So I’m not the only one who does this.

Nice.

(Nope, you aren’t allowed to ask which ones they are!!)

lol. Just kidding

 

I don’t know anymore. I think you should leave it a little “darker”, and it’s good to have lose ends at the end of a story if you plan to go on. I just wasn’t feeling it at this point. I mean, like I said before, the words on the paper said he was ashamed, but Eric himself seemed to contradict that.

I don’t know if that makes any sense.

I just felt like there was too much description and not enough reaction.

Maybe it’s nothing. That’s just how it seemed to me.

 

Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God

[Linus Smallprint]

@whalekeeper

my apologies, if you make the earlier chapters available then I will read them 😋

Everything I’ve posted so far should be available in that last link I posted (I just did the link for the chapter a little differently when I was asking for ideas to end it). If you click on Contents in the top left corner, you should get a list of all the chapters.

I’ll post the link for you here again:

The Narrow Path Trilogy – Book I: The Cost

Would you like me to tag you for the remaining chapters?

You have a very sensible writer voice, with hints of humor and warmth. I think because of your semi-calm tone, you don’t seem like the kind of person who would write a super intense POV scene of shame for Eric, at least not until the arc’s climax.

And from what I can tell from my casual reading, Eric has had some attention, but isn’t meant to be on the readers’ minds 24/7. So if you tried to stuff a bunch of his feelings in this scene, it would seem like a much bigger plot point for book 1 than you might want.

That’s kind of what I was thinking.

Of course you can do whatever you want, I’m playing the other side’s advocate so you have balanced reasons for whatever you do.

Thank you. If you weren’t playing the advocate, would you take Ellette’s side?

I actually wondered if that was the case. XD Largely because Eric was drawing stuff in the first scene I saw him in.

He he.

 

[Linus Smallprint]

@theducktator

I hope Eric gets captured though.

Isn’t that a little harsh? I mean, consider Martha. How do you think she would feel if her brother was captured in order to free her? The poor girl. She will be much happier if she is able to be with one of her family members again in hiding, even if it is his fault she was captured in the first place.

[whaley]

@linus-smallprint

Thank you. If you weren’t playing the advocate, would you take Ellette’s side?

I simply mean what I described. 👍 I’m not sure how it compares with the rest of your feedback discussions… I have very little context. XD

He he.

My mind reading powers are impeccable.

Thanks for the link by the way! I can’t guarantee I’ll read it soon, but now I have it on my radar if I want to take a break from school. Tagging me is fine too.

“Everything is a mountain”

[whaley]

@linus-smallprint

even if it is his fault she was captured in the first place.

How did that happen exactly? Was it more of an ignorant blunder, or?

“Everything is a mountain”

[Linus Smallprint]

@ellette-giselle

So I’m not the only one who does this.

I think it comes naturally. We tend to write what we know. One of my friends who plays D&D had a character he tried to make completely different from him. This character was a lying scoundrel, but my friend himself is honest, so his character ended up being more honest than he intended.

I don’t know anymore. I think you should leave it a little “darker”, and it’s good to have lose ends at the end of a story if you plan to go on. I just wasn’t feeling it at this point. I mean, like I said before, the words on the paper said he was ashamed, but Eric himself seemed to contradict that.

Let me try rewriting the last few paragraphs to see if I can get what you are hoping for and to see if it works better:

A Kentor Girl saved me? Eric hung his head. He really was weak.

“Get out of here!” Tyn demanded.

He didn’t need to be told twice. Eric got up and ran, paying little attention to where he was going. The last few minutes of his life replayed in his head over and over again. He imagined if had had hidden further away, then he would have not been noticed. If he had just sat there instead of trying to back in the bush further. If he had not hesitated and struck that solider right away. Then maybe he could have dealt with him and Alan and Tyn would have not had to worry about that soldier in the first place. He would have actually been helpful. Martha would be so glad to know her brother had played a hand in rescuing her and forgiven him easily. Everything would have been so much better.

Eric gritted his teeth and squeezed his eyes shut, allowing some tears to come out. When he opened them again, the foggy forest had become blurry. He had not done any of those things, and no matter how hard he wished, he could not go back and change what he had done. He was stuck with being useless. He was stuck with being weak. A Kentor Girl was more help in a fight than he. If only... If only...

The mission was going to fail. And it was all because of him. Because he was only weak and useless. Unless Alan and Tyn would be able to fix his mistakes, Martha would never know freedom again.

But there was nothing he could do about it. He was a coward and a useless weakling. It would have been better if he had never come to help on this mission in the first place. So he kept running.

[Ellette Giselle]

@linus-smallprint

YESSS!!! That’s it!!!

There we go. that’s all you needed.

Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God

[Linus Smallprint]

@whalekeeper

I simply mean what I described. 👍 I’m not sure how it compares with the rest of your feedback discussions… I have very little context. XD

Okay. I did just post a rewritten version above. So you can also read that and see what you think.

Thanks for the link by the way! I can’t guarantee I’ll read it soon, but now I have it on my radar if I want to take a break from school. Tagging me is fine too.

Okay, that will do. Thank you!

How did that happen exactly? Was it more of an ignorant blunder, or?

You’ll see. Then you will understand why other readers are mad at him. It wasn’t pretty.

[Author]

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