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First the Boxcar Children, now Little House??? Whyyyyyyyyy must you ruin my childhood like this?😫 XD
🎵How many toes does a fish have, and how many wings on a cow? I wonder, yup, I wonder!🎵
sorry!
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
She ruined the boxcar children for you?
SHAME
XD
"Courage, dear heart." -Aslan
@ellette-giselle @stephie @keilah-h @theducktator @loopylin @theshadow
Next chapter people!
Chapter the 23rd – The Undeserving
Nailed it!
Also, here is a song that I feel fits the tone of the first bit of the chapter. I don’t have a song for the end though. I was listening to it to help get me in the mood for writing this chapter. (Sorry, Ellette, it’s Video Game Music)
Nailed it!
Finally. I’ve been really looking forward to this chapter. It was good timing too. This was the point in Alan’s life when he was ready. The line “He didn’t need to become that hero, for The Saviour had been that hero for him.” is truly quotable.
Just one small thing.
You start the sentence:
After a little more hesitation. Did he really want to do this?
And this doesn’t make a lot of sense. Maybe re-write.
Oh, and one other thing:
he was capable of killing people who did not deserve it
I don’t really like this line for a few reasons. 1, what would make someone deserve to be killed in cold blood the way Alan tried to? and 2, we all deserve death when it comes down to it. So, yeah, I think i get what you’re trying to say, but maybe re-wording it would be better.
Okay, and I actually think that you could re-write a little of the last chapter to make the guilt of this chapter stronger.
“No, you are going to stop fighting the Faithful,” Alan released the arm around his neck and, reaching for his sword hit Rour’s other arm in the elbow with the blade’s hilt.
Rour let out a cry and released his opponent. Alan pulled his arm away and stood up quickly. Not thinking and filled with hate for this lyen he stood up and swung at Rour.
So this is the big moment, yet to me it reads as though, in a fair fight, Alan got the upper hand. I mean, in a fight like this that’s normally how you win, by getting the upper hand and killing or majorly your opponent. I had a thought that could make this scene really drive some guilt like I think you want it to.
What if, when Tyn shows up, she starts yelling at Rour or something. Somehow, Rour makes a cutting remark to Alan that really makes him feel small in front of everyone including Tyn, his friend. Then he could throw Alan on the ground and make a remark about him being weak or something. Then, Rour turns his back on Alan to address Tyn, thinking he’s won the fight, (maybe he kicks Alan or throws him down hard enough to knock his wind out. Either way, he thinks Alan is done fighting.) Alan gets up and tries to stab him in the back. Stripe blocks it and Rour turns around and sees what Alan tried to do.
I think a scene like that could really help set the stage for Alan realizing what he is and how he almost let his anger take control and cause a lot of problems. It also reads and looks like a far worse situation then getting the upper hand in a fight. Stabbing someone in the back, (especially in those days) is the act of a pure coward. I mean, really bad guys would refrain from doing that and would throw something or shout to get their opponent to turn around and meet them head on. It was only the lowest of villains who resorted to back-stabbing. (hence the term being used as it now is)
So yeah, just a thought.
You can ignore this tho if you like it the way it is.
Other then that, i really, really liked this chapter. It was well written and good timing.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
So yeah, just a thought.
Hmm. I like that idea and may implement it. I could see Alan going that far and it would help build up the guilt for the next chapter. Another thing I could do is that in Lyen culture, since they don’t have helmets, they try to respect opponent who don’t wear helmets as well. Alan could also aim for Tour’s head when the Lyen is not looking. (I might just have to establish this earlier so the reader would understand that a head kill is an absolute no no.
I will fix those smaller things as well. Thank you for the feedback!
No comment on the soundtrack…? 😏
Nailed it!
@linus-smallprint That was beautiful!! One question though, how far is this in the book? Are we nearing the end, or does Alan still have some character development to do (maybe sharing this great news with his friends….?)
also the soundtrack was amazing, I had it on in the background while I was reading. It really does fit!
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
No comment on the soundtrack…? 😏
I couldn’t think of anything un-scathing to say.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
Okay, okay, I also had it on while reading, and I was…… underwhelmed…….. To put it gently.
It just feels like the difference between a wind up music box and watching the Danish National Symphony. There just wasn’t any heart and character behind it! The music didn’t feel alive to me.
Well, there’s my honest opinion.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
I would have chosen something like this instead. Now here’s a piece with heart and soul in it! You can feel the pain in this song.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
@ellette-giselle that kinda works too, although I feel like the other one is a bit more whimsical and that’s why he chose it.
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
Yeah, it just doesn’t have any depth to it.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
@ellette-giselle I didn’t mean the depth part, I was just saying the video game instruments (which don’t have a lot of depth, you’re right) give it a more fantastical vibe to me. Maybe that’s what he’s going for since his worldbuilding is like that?
I can see the one you posted being what’d play if The Narrow Path Trilogy were movies, though.
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
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