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Yay!!! I think it fulfills two needs for us the readers if Stripe gets hugged. 1.) It’s super funny to see tough protective characters get hugged. 2.) I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m about ready to risk the claws to give him a hug myself. He needs it.
(Plus, he looks super soft and fluffy) 😛
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
Oh, btw, did you see that Joe Sutphin also did Watership Down as a graphic novel?!?! We have several copies of that one too. He is such a good artist!
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
@linus-smallprint well you don’t have to change any of yours if that’s what you mean!! I like them and they’re pretty original as they are.
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
Oh, btw, did you see that Joe Sutphin also did Watership Down as a graphic novel?!?! We have several copies of that one too. He is such a good artist!
I did see that. I also recently discovered that he is doing or did a Little Christmas Carol. I wish he would keep the artwork page on his website updated. I missed these releases earlier.
I would like to see Narnia illustrated by him. That would be cool!
YES!! Narnia would be amazing!!
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
@ellette-giselle @linus-smallprint
I would pay decent money for a good set of Narnia graphic novels! It would be a little hard to do them all though.
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
@ellette-giselle @theducktator @keilah-h @stephie @theshadow @loopylin
I was hoping to get this to you earlier, but I was having trouble writing the dialogue in this chapter for whatever reason. I’m still not quite happy with the first part or my title for this chapter, but let’s see what you all think.
Hopefully Chapter the 20th – The Weakling will go smoother. I started working on it this last week when I was stuck on Chapter the 19th and got a good portion of it done, so I may be able to get this one to you sooner depending on how busy I am next week! (By next Saturday)
I like it. I can’t say it was one of my favorite, but it’s pushing the plot and you do need that. I like the interactions with the kids. They’re super sweet. I hope we get to see some more family time. I would love to see Alan becoming a sort of big brother, and also making friends with James as peers, or if James is older then starting to look up to him as a sort of older brother.
I still think Stripe needs a hug. 100% ;D
Like I said, it was good, and it pushed your plot the way it needed to be pushed.
Side note:
one thing I would say is that if she wasn’t a Kentor and he wasn’t a Lyen I would think Rour had feelings for Tyn. Like romantic ones. To put it this way, if these were people I would say this is a total romance waiting to happen. Or else a complete villain after the heroin. The thing that makes this weird is I don’t know if the different species intermarry. If you are wanting this to be a situation where Rour has romantic feelings for Tyn, then I would suggest making it clear that they can intermarry. Like show us a few crossbreed characters. Or else, if it’s like intermarrying in upper and lower classes, have characters scorn those who have done it. If he’s not supposed to have feelings for her then make him less personal. Right now he seems to be singling her out and promising to avenge her for some strange reason, and it’s not even like he really trusted her to start with or they are life long friends or something.
Does any of that make sense?
I would suggest using a different word then “I betrayed the army.” Betrayal is a huge thing, and I don’t exactly know if what he did could be called betrayal. I mean, it kinda was, but kinda not. Betrayal never comes from your enemy. To me it felt like most of the army viewed Alan as a kind of enemy. So, how about you have him say he “left” or “defected from” the army? That seems to fit better.
“But you can trust me, Tyn.” Rour stood up. “I’ll stop Wherl, whatever it takes. I promise to avenge him for you.
No, I don’t think he wants to avenge Alan for Tyn. he wants to avenge Tyn against Alan.
Avenge is to inflict harm in return for an injury or wrong done to oneself or another.
“his determination to avenge the murder of his brother” · Avenge is to act out vengeance on someone for another (as the victim’s champion) or for yourself. “I will avenge this dishonor”He would say something like, “I will avenge us both” or “I will avenge you” If it’s directed toward Alan it would be, “I will inact vengeance on him for what he did to you” or something like that.
“I’ll tell you later,” Stripe said in a tone that suggested he wasn’t.
Wasn’t what?
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
one thing I would say is that if she wasn’t a Kentor and he wasn’t a Lyen I would think Rour had feelings for Tyn. Like romantic ones. To put it this way, if these were people I would say this is a total romance waiting to happen. Or else a complete villain after the heroin. The thing that makes this weird is I don’t know if the different species intermarry. If you are wanting this to be a situation where Rour has romantic feelings for Tyn, then I would suggest making it clear that they can intermarry. Like show us a few crossbreed characters. Or else, if it’s like intermarrying in upper and lower classes, have characters scorn those who have done it. If he’s not supposed to have feelings for her then make him less personal. Right now he seems to be singling her out and promising to avenge her for some strange reason, and it’s not even like he really trusted her to start with or they are life long friends or something.
Ugh. I was afraid this was going to happen. I am trying to avoid cross-species romances. (Not that it’s your fault, I’m just kind of disgusted that this got in here. Thank you for pointing it out.)
Rour does not like Tyn in that way. He sympathises with her since he went through something similar, but that’s it. . I’m just trying to write him so that to some people, he is a nice guy, and tries to look our for the other soliders on his squad (minus Alan of course). I can see what you are saying though. I’ll change it us so that either Rour will get Oliver to stick around for the last bit, gloat about how he was right, or maybe both.
Rour may also see himself as the one who needs to stop Alan. He is the type of character who if he wants something done, he does it himself. (Which is why he is the leader of the squad and not the lazy captain.) Oliver and Tyn failed to see Alan’s ‘schemes’ so now he is going to put an end to it. I’ll put this in there instead of the whole vengeance thing.
I would suggest using a different word then “I betrayed the army.” Betrayal is a huge thing, and I don’t exactly know if what he did could be called betrayal. I mean, it kinda was, but kinda not. Betrayal never comes from your enemy. To me it felt like most of the army viewed Alan as a kind of enemy. So, how about you have him say he “left” or “defected from” the army? That seems to fit better.
Ah. Good idea. Your right about this as well.
“I’ll tell you later,” Stripe said in a tone that suggested he wasn’t.
Wasn’t going to tell Alan later.
Thanks for the feedback! I’ll try to make the necessary changes in the next week.
Ugh. I was afraid this was going to happen.
Lol. It’s very hard to have a one-on-one guy girl conversation where the guy is being open and even a little emotional and the girl is doing the same, and then the guy is basically promising to champion the girl, and that not seem romantic. If you know what I mean. It can be done, but it’s hard, and I think you might have failed. lol.
I do get the fact that you want some of us to like Rour. Here’s two options.
1. How does Rour feel about Oliver? Does he hate him, or are they on good terms? If Oliver is playing victim along with Tyn, (and he seems to be doing a good job of that) Could you switch this conversation to have it between Rour and Oliver?
2. Could you do a scene where Rour is having a flashback of what happened to his friend or at least memories of that, and then he could either be having some sort of internal battle, or he could be talking to a close friend in the army and saying that he basically doesn’t want to see the same thing happen again, and feels responsible?
idk. I could see either of those working.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
@linus-smallprint Ooh! I like how kunulfs, since they are cursed creatures that aren’t as God originally designed them, have messed up backbones by design. It makes it feel a bit more biologically sound, y’know?
I’m feeling a bit better about Oliver now. I still hope you’re not setting him up to do something to hinder them on purpose, but I’m not suspicious of his every word anymore.
also I headcanon this is kinda what his voice sounds like, but with more hissy S’s:
kinda growly cause he’s a lizard, y’know? you are totally allowed to tell me I’m super wrong lol. I’ll read through the story again and think of voice claims for the other characters if you want.
(this is also the voice of my Argonite deuteragonist in my own writing. I didn’t record it, it’s just a voice line I pulled off a video game wikipedia.)
also I agree with Ellette, Stripe still needs a hug lol
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
1. How does Rour feel about Oliver? Does he hate him, or are they on good terms? If Oliver is playing victim along with Tyn, (and he seems to be doing a good job of that) Could you switch this conversation to have it between Rour and Oliver?
That is an excellent idea! I was just thinking Rour would talk to Tyn more because of the conversation they had earlier when he asked her to become the armies cook. (This also has to do with setting up Tyn for the end of book 1) I also want Tyn there to witness the similarities between Alan and Rour. The two have known each other longer. I just have not shown may interactions between Oliver and Rour yet, so this might not work. But in draft 3 I can easily fix that. I will keep Tyn there for the conversation because of what is going to happen shortly, but the conversation could mainly be a back-and-forth between Rour and Oliver.
2. Could you do a scene where Rour is having a flashback of what happened to his friend or at least memories of that, and then he could either be having some sort of internal battle, or he could be talking to a close friend in the army and saying that he basically doesn’t want to see the same thing happen again, and feels responsible?
Hmm. I haven’t gone into Rour’s head yet.
A spoiler, sort of, you only read from the perspectives of the characters Linus Smallprint has met and interviewed. I say sort of, because at this point, this is not any indication as to whether or not the character will survive to the end of the series. It just means, that if you are reading from a character’s point of view, he/she will survive until Smallprint is able to interview the character.
I thought Rour was not one of these characters that meets Smallprint, but I realized that I am considering him as my POV character for the prologue of book 3 and possibly for the remained of the book as well. I don’t know. For now, it just dosen’t feel right, but I’ll think about it. (I think it might be because at this point, it dosen’t feel like it adds much to Alan’s story.)
So I will probably use the first suggestion. Thank you!
@linus-smallprint What kind of creature are you, by the way? (For the record, I’m asking the real Linus and not Justin the writer.)
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
Ooh! I like how kunulfs, since they are cursed creatures that aren’t as God originally designed them, have messed up backbones by design. It makes it feel a bit more biologically sound, y’know?
That’s the idea. Book two and three are going to play with this more.
That voice clip you shared, that’s fun. I imagine him with a higher more perky voice, but could see him with the voice you shared as well.
Linus Smallprint is a human. He has a gorb assistant who taught him English (or Inglish, as they call it in Ehverwyld. Inglish has more consistent spelling than English because the Gorbs found all our spelling rules and all the exceptions to them too confusing.)
also I agree with Ellette, Stripe still needs a hug lol
You all aren’t going to leave me alone until this appears, are you?
That voice clip you shared, that’s fun. I imagine him with a higher more perky voice, but could see him with the voice you shared as well.
wowwww you actually think my weird headcanon is ok?
lol yeah it comes from like the only Australian character I know particularly well in any fiction. So when I hear “male Aussie accent” I usually think of that voice. (Asking for a female voice with that accent is much the same, I don’t have voice clips for her cause it’s a character from a TV show not a video game, but there’s one character my mind always goes back to.)
Inglish has more consistent spelling than our English because the Gorbs found all our spelling rules and all the exceptions to them too confusing.
but honestly though our English has the worst spelling rules
You all aren’t going to leave me alone until this appears, are you?
Ehh, I’ll leave you alone after this one time haha
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
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