- This topic has 274 replies, 9 voices, and was last updated 1 day, 19 hours ago by
.
-
Posts
-
Ugh, your going to make me spoil the whole thing, are you? It has been a while since I read the final book, but, without giving too much away, here are the lessons that the book leaves the reader with:
Just because you aren’t perfect doesn’t mean you can be a hero. You may have flaws (like small, not very powerful Smedry Talents), but don’t get stuck on the fact that you arn’t perfect. You are still capable of fighting the librarians for what’s right.
Alcatraz doesn’t get redeemed. It’s more that he’s stuck with the consequences of his actions, but realizes he’s blaming himself too much. There are some things revealed that make Alcatraz feel less guilty about what he did.
Read up to the end of book five before deciding whether you want to read this to your brothers. Although, if you got past the opening paragraphs of book one, you should be fine.
This series is more of a just-for-fun read than a life lessons read.
(TNPT in some ways is my take on Alcatraz’s arc. You may have already noticed some similarities between Alcatraz and Alan. They both want to be heroes, but then something happens, and they are weighed down by guilt).
thank you for telling me about Alcatraz. That makes sense.
I read your chapter. I like it a lot, though Eric is not my kinda guy. 😂
sooo, btw, I’m not sure how affiliated you are with military, but you do know what will happen if Alan becomes a deserter, right? He’ll be killed if they catch him.
It’s pretty universal.
I just want sure how you plan on dealing with that since they all seem so chipper about this. I mean, if I was pitting myself against a huge army I might think it through a little more.
if these aren’t your army’s rules for dissertation you might want to make that clear to the reader. 🤷🏼♀️
just a thought.
otherwise, very good!
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
I read your chapter. I like it a lot, though Eric is not my kinda guy. 😂
Ouch.
If you dislike Eric now, I want you to know that this is the new and improved version of the character. Yup, in the first draft, he was even worse. He had more point-of-view chapters, each filled with him complaining about the same thing (you would have had to put up with that two or three times by now with more to come). His character made no progress, was very self-centred (except for one small part), and in the end, even I got fed up with him and was tempted to ax him from my story. Then I had an idea I could use him for (we will get to that eventually), so I decided to keep him and changed his personality to fit his new arc better. It’s okay if he isn’t your favourite right now, or even ever, but I hope, this version of Eric will turn out much better than his previous one.
sooo, btw, I’m not sure how affiliated you are with military, but you do know what will happen if Alan becomes a deserter, right? He’ll be killed if they catch him.
Oh. I did not realize that. I thought I recalled from a biography that I read about John Newton that when he ran away, he was punished and put back to work, being watched closely to make sure he didn’t try anything again. But he was press-ganged into joining the navy, so I don’t know if that had anything to do with it.
otherwise, very good!
Thanks!
well you can’t blame a girl for not being attracted to a weak guy. Lol. I mean, right now he seems a little bit like a wilting violet. I’ll give him a chance, but so far not my type.
Umm… I pretty sure if you look it up it’s pretty common for dissertation to be punished by getting shot.
it may just be in war tho.
I haven’t done a lot of research into peace time punishment.
you can ignore it, but those we my initial thoughts as a reader.
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
@theducktator @loopylin @stephie @theshadow @ellette-giselle @keilah-h
I changed my mind. There is one more scene I want to write before The Rebel. Chapter the 17th is now The Role Model.
With this chapter, I have now reached 50,000 words! Whew!
Question for you all. While this series is primarily directed towards believers, I want unbelievers to read it as well and hopefully direct them to Christ. Do you think I am being preachy or telling the truth too much instead of showing it?
In some stories, such as the Chronicles of Narnia, it took me a while to figure out that Aslan represented Jesus. In others, Christian allegories and ideas were far harder to spot, such is in The Lord of the Rings, where I didn’t find much until I read the Silmarillion (a sort of prequel). Within your series, I found it very easy to spot the Christian elements, but I don’t think that means that it’s too preachy or anything. I just think it means you should be very careful to keep the plot interesting so that unbelieving readers keep turning the pages. As long as it’s a good story, they’ll keep reading.
"Courage, dear heart." -Aslan
Also:
I’m really enjoying the book so far!
"Courage, dear heart." -Aslan
@linus-smallprint I’m getting caught up!
Eric, I feel ya about how you’d rather be drawing than be sporty. LOL.
You should give a glossary of Rorian words at the end or something! It might help the jokes stick better. The explanations actually make it funnier than the jokes would be alone, but I still feel like something’s missing. I like it though, don’t remove it.
Oliver is still really funny. I still hope he won’t end up being a traitor or something, because I like having him around.
I’m not sure what you mean about it being preachy. I mean, it is really obvious you’re telling a story about characters learning to follow Jesus, but I don’t mind it that much, and I don’t know how you could change it to make it more “appealing” to unbelievers without sacrificing the message.
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
Ohhh, that hurts!! Ohhh, poor Martha! You can feel her pain! This is one of THE BEST chapters you have ever written, which is kinda funny since you wrote about a girl in this one. You could just really feel her and really relate to her thoughts. Man, it was just so good. Like, super, super good. Cracking job old Chap! (lol)
As for it being peachy, I don’t think so at all! I mean, yo0u’re living this through the characters, not having the narrator talk to you about it. The story has enough of a hook now that someone into it couldn’t possibly put it down. I say keep it the way it is.
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
How far are you into the story?
Ah good. Someone relates to Eric.
You should give a glossary of Rorian words at the end or something! It might help the jokes stick better. The explanations actually make it funnier than the jokes would be alone, but I still feel like something’s missing. I like it though, don’t remove it.
Hmm… That’s an idea. This whole joke about jokes is something I am just experimenting around with as I have never seen it done before, so think you for the feedback on that.
I thought you would like that chapter. Question: Are you the eldest child in your family? Also, does this fix the issue you had with Martha keeping secrets from her father that you had several chapters ago?
Seems the general consensus is that it is fine for now, so I will continue writing as I am.
yes, this fixes everything.
am I the oldest?
guess!😂
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
yes, this fixes everything.
Good
Considering that I have only scene you talk about younger brothers and that you found Martha relatable, I guess yes, you are the eldest.
Yes, I am.
Aren’t you too?
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
I don’t find it preachy. And that scene was soooo relatable. I feel your pain Martha. 🥺
Communist jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them.
@linus-smallprint One little detail. I feel like the name of Martha’s friend is a little confusing. You said her name was Ness Preditore, but I feel like you have a Ness and a Preditore (I don’t remember if it was a first or last name) already, and while I know you intend it so lyens have all the same names just with different spellings, this still felt more confusing than necessary. If this Ness Preditore isn’t related to the other ones (like it’s not important to the story what her name is), I’d suggest changing one of her names. Maybe call her Ness Tayl or Ness Furr or something.
If it is, in fact, important to the story and I didn’t pick that up, you don’t need to change it.
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.