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@theducktator
Okay, cool.@theducktator @loopylin @stephie @theshadow @ellette-giselle @keilah-h
Longest chapter yet. Finally, we are starting to get into some Christian themes (turn your heresy radar on). I will try to get Chapter the 15th – The Saviour to you later this week.
@linus-smallprint ooh that was good!
one question: Did Jesus come to die in this universe as well, Aslan style? Or did He only die for humankind’s sin in Earth, and somehow it spread to all descendants of Adam no matter what universe?
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
It’s very good, but the whole reading fantasy seemed like you started to go into it and then pulled back and skirt5ed the whole problem. I feel like if it’s going to be there at all it needs more. At the moment it feels kinda like “Why?” If you have nothing more to say on the matter, I would consider cutting it.
Also, the fact about them using more magic to find out how to not shatter…. is that supposed to be good or bad? I believe it’s bad. You can’t do more evil to stop evil. It’s hard to tell where you as the author stand. I think that needs to be a little clearer.
“I didn’t know where to look or else I would have. Also, being a full wizard makes it hard to travel. Many people want to kill me thinking I’m still a monster. On top of that, I’ve developed many health issues and am getting old. I’m sorry Alan.”
This just seemed a little to… dry? blunt? I mean, they haven’t seen each other in YEARS! I think there would be a little more here. And why doesn’t Alan react to the fact his dad now has health problems?
“Here they are!” Charles entered the room holding a plate of stale biscuits. “Very stale though.
I would cut that he was holding a plate of stale biscuits. Charles tells us they are stale in the next line.
A few grammar things here and there as well. Other then that, it was really good, and I’m eager to hear more.
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
It’s very good, but the whole reading fantasy seemed like you started to go into it and then pulled back and skirt5ed the whole problem. I feel like if it’s going to be there at all it needs more. At the moment it feels kinda like “Why?” If you have nothing more to say on the matter, I would consider cutting it.
Hmm. I didn’t want to dwell too long on it, since both the reader and Alan want to hear Charles’s story more. But I wanted to include this as well, because, like I said, a fantasy book telling you not to read fantasy books would just be weird. Perhaps I have room to fit in more here? I could also try coming back to this later. I’m also concerned about telling too much instead of showing. What do you think?
Also, the fact about them using more magic to find out how to not shatter…. is that supposed to be good or bad? I believe it’s bad. You can’t do more evil to stop evil. It’s hard to tell where you as the author stand. I think that needs to be a little clearer.
Bad. Definitely bad. I will try to make that clearer. I will make Charles state that he and his wife should have never continued to use magic. Sometimes people think they can sin and somehow avoid consequences. The Wherls thought they could somehow escape Shattering. That is one reason why I included this…
(SPOILER ALERT) …and for one other reason. This question, of weather or not it is okay to sin if the consequences are removed will be discussed later in both the end of this book and for a large part of book II. Here I will show this instead of simply telling it.
This just seemed a little to… dry? blunt? I mean, they haven’t seen each other in YEARS! I think there would be a little more here. And why doesn’t Alan react to the fact his dad now has health problems?
You’re probably right. I was thinking that too much was going on for Alan and he was busy trying to get his thoughts in order and being Alan, ended up not putting much thought into his father’s health issues. But maybe he would react. (His showing concern might also be helpful for what I have in mind for this story’s climax because I do want Alan to show emotion and concern). I will try to make Charles show more regret over not coming to find Alan.
I would cut that he was holding a plate of stale biscuits. Charles tells us they are stale in the next line.
Ah yes, thank you.
Thank you for the feedback! Usually, I put off these things, but I think these things call for something more urgent, so I will try to fix them tomorrow.
Hmm. I didn’t want to dwell too long on it, since both the reader and Alan want to hear Charles’s story more. But I wanted to include this as well, because, like I said, a fantasy book telling you not to read fantasy books would just be weird. Perhaps I have room to fit in more here? I could also try coming back to this later. I’m also concerned about telling too much instead of showing. What do you think?
Here’s an idea. Does Alan ever go back to visits his father, or is this a “one time and it’s up” thing. Cause, if he does go back, then I would suggest this: Alan is kinda emotionally strung up at the moment. I mean, he just met his dad again and he’s the monster Alan remembered, but also not. If I were Alan, I wouldn’t be exploring bookshelves. (I wouldn’t be eating anything either, btw. However, Alan might.) I would probably sit down stunned and just try to get my brain to grasp the fact that this was really happening and I wasn’t stuck in some strange flash-back or dream. Then later, when Alan comes to visit him again, he’ll have a clearer mind and he might actually poke his noes around and discover the books. Then you could devote way more time to this and the reader would be okay with it.
Whatever you do, if you keep it you need to add more. It was way to under-developed. If I’m going to be blunt here, reading it I felt like you as the author felt an obligation to let me know that I am still aloud to read fantasy books, so you through that in and then moved on. Meanwhile, I’m over here thinking, “wait, why did he just say that?” and then I start wondering, “Well, what’s his argument to back all that up? I want to hear more on why he thinks the way he does.” You know? Like I said before, it felt like you uncovered the thing, poked your nose into it, and then beat a hasty retreat, leaving this topic uncovered and open.
So yeah, I would 100% recommend moving the whole conversation to a time and a place where Alan, (and the reader) are ready to hear about it. And then taking the full plunge if you’re going to do it. Charles, (and thus you as the author) felt a little too lose on the stance. If Charles (and you) are going to argue this at all, you need a good, firm, solid foundation from which to argue, and better make your argument a fortress Alan can’t easily tare down. You’re challenging something the boy has believed since all this happened. He’s not letting go without a fight.
Bad. Definitely bad. I will try to make that clearer.
K, that’s what I thought, but yeah, I would say to make that clearer.
Thank you for the feedback! Usually, I put off these things, but I think these things call for something more urgent, so I will try to fix them tomorrow.
You are very welcome! Feel free to throw any of it you don’t want out the window! lol.
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
Hmm. I didn’t want to dwell too long on it, since both the reader and Alan want to hear Charles’s story more. But I wanted to include this as well, because, like I said, a fantasy book telling you not to read fantasy books would just be weird. Perhaps I have room to fit in more here? I could also try coming back to this later. I’m also concerned about telling too much instead of showing. What do you think?
Here’s an idea. Does Alan ever go back to visits his father, or is this a “one time and it’s up” thing. Cause, if he does go back, then I would suggest this: Alan is kinda emotionally strung up at the moment. I mean, he just met his dad again and he’s the monster Alan remembered, but also not. If I were Alan, I wouldn’t be exploring bookshelves. (I wouldn’t be eating anything either, btw. However, Alan might.) I would probably sit down stunned and just try to get my brain to grasp the fact that this was really happening and I wasn’t stuck in some strange flash-back or dream. Then later, when Alan comes to visit him again, he’ll have a clearer mind and he might actually poke his noes around and discover the books. Then you could devote way more time to this and the reader would be okay with it.
Whatever you do, if you keep it you need to add more. It was way to under-developed. If I’m going to be blunt here, reading it I felt like you as the author felt an obligation to let me know that I am still aloud to read fantasy books, so you through that in and then moved on. Meanwhile, I’m over here thinking, “wait, why did he just say that?” and then I start wondering, “Well, what’s his argument to back all that up? I want to hear more on why he thinks the way he does.” You know? Like I said before, it felt like you uncovered the thing, poked your nose into it, and then beat a hasty retreat, leaving this topic uncovered and open.
So yeah, I would 100% recommend moving the whole conversation to a time and a place where Alan, (and the reader) are ready to hear about it. And then taking the full plunge if you’re going to do it. Charles, (and thus you as the author) felt a little too lose on the stance. If Charles (and you) are going to argue this at all, you need a good, firm, solid foundation from which to argue, and better make your argument a fortress Alan can’t easily tare down. You’re challenging something the boy has believed since all this happened. He’s not letting go without a fight.
Bad. Definitely bad. I will try to make that clearer.
K, that’s what I thought, but yeah, I would say to make that clearer.
Thank you for the feedback! Usually, I put off these things, but I think these things call for something more urgent, so I will try to fix them tomorrow.
You are very welcome! Feel free to throw any of it you don’t want out the window! lol.
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
If I’m going to be blunt here, reading it I felt like you as the author felt an obligation to let me know that I am still aloud to read fantasy books, so you through that in and then moved on.
Honestly, that was the obligation I felt writing this, so no wonder you picked that up from reading it.
So yeah, I would 100% recommend moving the whole conversation to a time and a place where Alan, (and the reader) are ready to hear about it. And then taking the full plunge if you’re going to do it. Charles, (and thus you as the author) felt a little too lose on the stance. If Charles (and you) are going to argue this at all, you need a good, firm, solid foundation from which to argue, and better make your argument a fortress Alan can’t easily tare down. You’re challenging something the boy has believed since all this happened. He’s not letting go without a fight.
Okay. That makes sense. I was talking to my dad about this as well and he thought that I should alter Alan’s backstory into a more gradual transition from reading fantasy to using magic. He thought if I did that right, then Alan would not wonder why Charles had the books later on and the scene would not be necessary. (He has not read what I have, and does not have the full context.) I am thinking through this right now. Perhaps Alan has a conversation with one of his friends in his pre-wizard days who lets him know that magic is not just in stories but is also real (you know, that friend who seems to know a lot of things he should be too young for). Alan then confronts one of his parents about it, asking them about it and pleading to use it. (The other thing I have to deal with here, is that, as I have revealed, Alan’s parents wanted to use magic.)
Seems though if I do want to discuss this issue of fantasy books being okay, I am going to have to find how to show it instead of simply telling.
Honestly, that was the obligation I felt writing this, so no wonder you picked that up from reading it.
lol. It felt like it.
I think your dad has some really good advice. I would go with that.
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
I updated Chapter the 13th with your suggestions. Would you mind taking a look at it again please and see if this is working better? (The only parts I changed were from right after the description of Charles to when he begins to tell his story, so don’t worry about the rest of the chapter.)
Also, on a side note, I still have not put together a soundtrack for this, but here is one song. For whatever reason, I imagine this as the one Charles plays on his banjo. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0hEYvdMoF2g)
Reading now. Feedback in a sec
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
@linus-smallprint OOH I LOVE THAT SONG.
It’s got Spanish roots and I love that because that’s where my family came from (well, my parents are Puerto Rican and I was born in America, but still)
when we actually went to Spain earlier this year there were a couple guys playing that genre of song in an alleyway and it was so cool.
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
Banjos don’t sound exactly like that but I honestly wouldn’t mind hearing a banjo cover of that song. Let me see if I can find one.
ok I was just listening to one and it’s low quality but sounds HEAVENLY.
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
WAY BETTER!
Ok, the magic thing is a little fuzzy still. I read it over several times and I think I have a good idea to where you could fix the whole thing very simply but make it so the reader understands using magic to stop from shattering wasn’t right.
“As time went by, we grew to love the power we had and started to allow ourselves to use it for other things than researching how to avoid its curse. You know I started to use it for chores. I figured if I got them done sooner, then I would have more time for researching magic. I’m sorry son. I know this was hard for you.”
“It’s alright,” Alan said. “I see you were only trying to protect me. I’m glad I don’t remember any spells now. What happened after you Shattered?”
I would do this.
“It’s alright,” Alan said. “I see you were only trying to protect me. I’m glad I don’t remember any spells now.”
Then right there his father replies with something like, “No, it’s not alright [and this is why]”
The Alan can agree, disagree, or keep quiet and store this info to think about later. Then we as the reader know that Charles knows it was wrong, and weather or not Alan agrees can be explored later. (So far A;an doesn’t agree with his father’s beliefs at the moment anyhow)
Then Alan could go on to say, “What happened after you Shattered?”
That would be my only suggestion. Their reunion felt much more genuine this time, so great job with that!
I can’t wait to read more!
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
Ooo, I like the Charles song!!
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
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