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@theloonyone. @godlyfantasy12. @elishavet-pidyon. @mineralizedwritings. @keilah-h. @folith-feolin. @loopylin. @joy-caroline. @lightoverdarkness6. @wilder-w. @anyone-else-that-is-interested-lol.
So…I’ve actually gone through multiple drafts of my main WIP, but this is finally the draft that I’m satisfied with. XD I’m only about 2,000 words in, but that’s better than nothing! So, inspired by @mineralizedwritings, who shared part of her draft for her EPIC book that I love already, I decided to share a little bit of mine! 😀
So…without further ado…I present to y’all…the first chapter of my main WIP, which is pretty short, in hindsight, lol. XD
Chapter 1
April 1944
Boots thudded against cobblestone.
A fist reconnected with his head.
Leon hit the brick wall of the flower shop. Hard. He groaned.
The blonde-haired man smirked. “Is that all you can take, Jew?” he sneered, rolling up his brown sleeves.
Leon leaned against the wall.
He wouldn’t give up so easily.
Leon pushed to his feet. “I’m never done.”
The brownshirt’s fist knocked Leon’s head again. Aching pain travelled from his skull. His head throbbed.
Sticky crimson blood trailed down the side of his face.
Leon leaned against the wall, his scrapped palms aching. But he wasn’t a quitter.
“Give up already, Jew.”
Leon’s fists clenched.
No.
He couldn’t fight back. Nor would he.
Leon released his fists.
“Silence, huh? What? Do you need me to dumb it down for you, pig?” he taunted.
Leon stepped away from the wall.
He set his jaw. Squared his shoulders. “I’m not going to fight you.”
The man took a step towards him.
Leon didn’t budge.
“Why not?”
“I’m not going to fight you because-“
The fist connected with Leon’s face. He collapsed.
And the world faded into darkness.
~*~
The pen tip scrapped against the paper. A scream sounded.
The pen went still as a chill spread up Riker’s spine. Maybe he should have been used to it by now. Everyone else seemed to be.
Jackboots clicked against the floor. “Kurt does an excellent job, doesn’t he?”
“Yessir.” Riker replied. Looked up.
Hans raised an eyebrow. “Are you almost done with that paperwork?”
“Yessir.” He began writing again.
Hans bent over to look over the papers. “Wonderful to know we have gathered useful information from our prisoners, Riker, isn’t it?”
Riker slowly nodded.
At least he hadn’t been asked to aid in the torture in months.
“Now if only we can get actual, useful information out of that blasted American pilot.”
Another scream.
Riker flinched. Kurt was working on that now.
Hans smirked. “We’ll have information out of him soon enough.”
Another pair of boots sounded.
A blonde-haired officer saluted Hans.
Hans returned the salute, then smiled. “Erich…how are you?”
“Very well, sir.”
“And your wife?”
“Well. Very tired, but healthy.” Erich replied with a smile. He turned to face Riker. “Will you be finished with those papers by tonight?”
“I’m not sure. Why, Erich?”
Erich laughed. “You already forgot? Hilda is right…you are scatterbrained. We are going out for food and drinks tonight.”
“To celebrate the Führer’s birthday, as you well know is today.” Hans added.
Riker nodded. How could anyone forget when they were reminded every day of their life of the importance of their Führer?
“I’ll try to get it done by tonight.”
“No, Riker,” Hans set his palms on the desk. “You will get those papers done by tonight.”
Riker looked up.
Hans’ hard coal-colored eyes made Riker’s heart skip a beat. “Yessir.”
@freedomwriter76
Oh my heart! 😥
You have some really good tension build up! I gotta say, you really do a good job of portraying how awful the location is. I can almost feel the place’s… “Moral Stench?” is that a thing?
I’m not really feeling for Riker your sweetheart yet 🤣 but I can see your subtle hints that he doesn’t want to be doing what he does… what a interesting inner conflict.
Also I like your emphasis on Leon’s resistance to fight back. It helps me get a immediate feel for his character and where he is coming from.
Just curious, have you read “We die alone?” It’s an amazing true story about a the sole surviving man after his group (coming to the aid of a Norwegian nazi resistance) was ambushed. I read it back in 6th grade so it’s been awhile but it was good! You can tell God was likely helping him, it’s a miracle he survived.
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
- Rank: Chosen One
- Total Posts: 8156
You have some really good tension build up! I gotta say, you really do a good job of portraying how awful the location is. I can almost feel the place’s… “Moral Stench?” is that a thing?
Aww, thank you! I was hoping the tension would be built up. XD And thank you! And yes, I believe that is a word, even if it’s never been used, I know what you mean by that.
I’m not really feeling for Riker your sweetheart yet 🤣 but I can see your subtle hints that he doesn’t want to be doing what he does… what a interesting inner conflict.
Yeah…I’m still trying to figure out how exactly to have readers start to feel for him without revealing EVERYTHING all at once, because his internal conflict really increases when the truth hits him straight in the gut like a sucker punch, lol.
Also I like your emphasis on Leon’s resistance to fight back. It helps me get a immediate feel for his character and where he is coming from.
Girl…you have no idea how relieved that makes me. XD I’ve always felt like I never showed Leon’s personality and character well enough, so you have no idea how happy that makes me feel. XD
Just curious, have you read “We die alone?” It’s an amazing true story about a the sole surviving man after his group (coming to the aid of a Norwegian nazi resistance) was ambushed. I read it back in 6th grade so it’s been awhile but it was good! You can tell God was likely helping him, it’s a miracle he survived.
I have not! What an amazing story! Now I need to find that! 😉
- Rank: Chosen One
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@mineralizedwritings. And you know what? I want to share more…just because you read it, and thank you for reading, by the way!
So…we have another chapter and half of chapter 3. 😉
Chapter 2
“This happens too often now.”
Leon nodded.
He’d awoken in the alleyway with the sun setting above him. He’d been out cold for hours.
“Okay…the blood is gone. But this medicine might sting.” Aadelheide warned, giving him a warm smile. Leon smiled back.
She applied the medicine, and stinging pain ensued.
Leon bit down on his lip, hard, to stop the hisses and groans that threatened to escape. “There. All better now.”
Leon smiled. Looked up at her.
Aadelheide bent down to give him a kiss.
Their lips met, just as loud, small footsteps sounded. “Daddy!” “Dada!”
Leon stood, pulling away from his wife’s kiss much sooner than he’d wanted. “Isabel! Albert!” he cried.
His oldest two ran at him, arms outstretched, as Aadelheide cautioned them to be careful.
Leon lifted them both into his arms even though his fresh bruises protested.
He gave each of them a kiss on the forehead.
He set them down and took Elias into his arms.
A tiny thing, only a few months old. Albert was almost two. Isabel was six.
Leon kissed Elias’ forehead.
“I’m going to put the babies to bed and then head home.”
Leon turned to his mother-in-law. “Thank you, Louisa.”
She smiled and took Elias back into her arms. “Anytime, dear. Isabel, Albert, do you want a story?”
“Yes!”
Louisa laughed and smiled.
“I’m going to give you two a few moments of privacy. To…talk.” She whispered, giving Aadelheide a knowing glance. Aadelheide nodded. “Yes. Thank you, Mutti.”
Louisa left with the kids, and Leon turned to face his wife. “What was that…look about?”
Aadelheide smiled faintly. “Leon, you might want to sit down.”
“I’m fine, Aadelheide…did something happen?”
Aadelheide nodded. “…I had to speak with the Gestapo today.”
Fear clutched Leon’s chest.
The Gestapo? The Gestapo was feared throughout Germany, second only to the SS. “What did they want?”
“…For me to divorce you.” Aadelheide replied quietly.
The grip on his heart loosened a little. “We did break the Nuremberg laws…” Leon whispered. Jews and Germans were forbidden from marrying. “They can throw us in hard labor prison just for that.”
“They wanted me to divorce you. And if I did, they promised they wouldn’t come after me.”
Leon nodded. “It would be safer for you.”
“And leave you and our kids? Never.” Aadelheide argued.
“It would keep you safe…and maybe you could help the kids.”
“But that would still leave you.” Aadelheide replied, standing her ground.
“So?”
“Leon Jedediah Wagner, I would never leave you to save myself.”
“But if you can…to stay safe…”
“Leon…” Aadelheide grabbed his arms. His brown eyes met her blue.
“I would never divorce and leave you to save myself. We are one now. And God will protect me and our kids…whatever that looks like. We promised each other, remember?”
Leon nodded. “I remember.”
Aadelheide smiled. Let go of his arms. “We promised each other to stay with each other and never leave each other…” their fingers locked, their foreheads met, and together, they finished the vow, “…’till death do we part.”
~*~
The sounds of laughter, cheers, talk, and arguments all merged together in the air, mixing with the smells of smoke and alcohol.
Riker sat in a chair at a table as Hans, Erich, Kurt, Hilda, and other SS officers chatted, smoked, drank, and played cards.
“Riker, take a drink.” One of the officers offered, his words slurring together.
“Riker doesn’t enjoy drinking much. He is an odd one in many ways.” Hilda mused.
Laughter sounded.
Riker cleared his throat and stood. “I will be right back. I’m going to go get a drink.”
Hans laughed. “Finally, Riker will join us in the celebrations!”
Riker walked away, towards the bar. What was the big problem in him not drinking?
Riker sighed and leaned against the wall close to the bar, waiting for another SS officer to finish ordering.
The officer turned to face Riker. “Are you with Hans?”
“Uhm…yes.” Riker replied. Who was this man?
The officer smiled. “I decided to get a drink before heading over.”
“They have plenty to share.”
The officer laughed. “I’m sure. But I don’t drink.”
“…I don’t either.”
The officer raised an eyebrow. “Really? Well,” he turned to the bartender, “make that two waters then.”
The officer turned to face Riker again. Stuck out his hand. “Fin Müller.”
Riker took his hand. Shook it. “Riker Schind.”
Fin nodded, smiled, and took the two glasses from the bartender. Handed one to Riker, then gave the man a few marks. “Looks like we’ll be the only sober ones at the table then, huh?”
Riker laughed. “Probably so.”
Yelling rose from another table, and Riker almost jumped out of his skin. “Riker…are you alright?” Fin asked.
His gray eyes were soft and caring, so unlike Hans’ and…and…His. “I’m fine. Sorry about that. It just surprised me.”
Fin nodded. “…Alright then.”
Riker followed him back to the table.
“Ah, Fin, welcome!” Hans greeted. Stood. He shook Fin’s hand.
“I couldn’t miss this special occasion, could I?” Fin asked with a smile. Hans laughed. “No, you could not. Have a seat, Fin, would you?”
Fin sat down in the open seat between Hans and Riker. Riker sat back down.
The yelling from another table only got louder.
The smell of alcohol filled Riker’s nose. His hand tightened around his glass. Images threatened to rise.
‘No. Riker don’t go back there. Don’t go back there.’ he reminded himself.
He wouldn’t.
He couldn’t.
“Riker!”
Riker jumped.
Hans was giving him a glare. “Did you hear a word I just said?” His coal eyes shot daggers, and Riker’s heartbeat sped up.
“…No, sir.” His gaze fell.
“Scatterbrained…” Hilda muttered to one of the officer’s wives. She laughed.
“See? He’s never paying attention. He isn’t good at interrogations and won’t handle them the right way.” Hans took a sip of his drink. “Riker is too soft. I have no need of him if he can’t do simple interrogations. Fin, I can transfer him to you. Maybe it will toughen him up.”
Fin coughed.
“…What?”
Hans laughed. “You heard me. I’ll have to fill out the paperwork, but maybe working with you will toughen him up.”
‘A baby…’
‘Nothing but a weakling.’
‘Poor boy’s parents must be ashamed…’
“I guess that’s what we will do then.” Fin replied with a faint smile.
Hans grinned. “Good.”
Chapter 3
May 1944
The prison was unsettlingly quiet. It was almost…almost as terrifying as the screams. Riker pushed the paperwork aside.
He wasn’t going to get anything done until his head stopped throbbing anyhow. Riker rubbed his forehead and grabbed the food and supplies he’s bought on his short break.
The food wasn’t much…there wasn’t much due to shortages.
Riker took in a deep breath and fingered his wedding ring. He hoped his wife and kids were safe.
Riker walked into and down the hall.
No one stopped him, not daring to try and stop an officer. Riker unlocked one of the cells and stepped inside.
He softly closed the door behind him.
From a lump of brown uniform laying on the hanging, stained cot, a groan sounded. “Here to interrogate me again? I’m not telling you anything about our plans and planes.”
“I’m not here to interrogate you.” Riker replied quietly.
The man moved. Slowly sat up. “I find that hard to believe,” he muttered, his dark brown eyes piercing.
“…I brought food.” Riker offered. Held out the food he’d bought.
The man laughed. “Y’all taking the nice way now, ain’t you? After you’ve already beat me an inch of my life!?”
“I’m not going to hurt you.” Riker replied. He removed his luger pistol and dagger, dropping both to the floor. He kicked both away.
“I’m not here to interrogate you, and I promise I won’t hurt you.”
The man bit his lip, hesitant.
“I promise.” Riker vowed. Held the food out further.
Slowly, the man took it. “Thank you. I’m…Ezra. First Lieutenant Ezra Roberts of the United States Army Air Force.”
“The stubborn pilot…” Riker smiled. “I’ve heard of you. I’m Riker.”
Ezra nodded. Shook Riker’s hand, and then took a bite of the bread. “Thank you. I haven’t had…real food in a while.”
“You’re welcome.” Riker replied. He flinched at the sight of dried blood, injuries, and bruises that covered Ezra’s body.
“…What?” Ezra asked quietly, his brows furrowing together.
He shook his head. Smiled. “Let me take care of those injuries for you.” Riker offered. He grabbed the supplies.
“You don’t have to.”
Riker smiled faintly. “I don’t “have” to do anything.
Ezra raised an eyebrow, but, slowly, he nodded. He sat down on the floor.
Riker got down onto one knee beside him. He ripped off a scrap of bandage.
Ezra finished the bread. Riker smiled. “You can eat the rest too.”
Ezra glanced at the food, then slowly nodded. “I know. You…you caught me off guard.”
Riker raised an eyebrow. “How so?” He asked quietly, wiping the blood away from Ezra’s forehead.
Ezra chuckled. “You weren’t coming to torture me, for one.”
Riker sighed. “Sorry about that…what they’ve been doing.”
Ezra raised an eyebrow. “Do you not agree with it…ever?”
“I believe there are better ways to get information from people, so yes.” Riker replied, applying medicine to and wrapping Ezra’s head wound.
Ezra bit his lip. “You know…I never expected this from any of y’all in Germany…”
“What, food and care?”
Ezra shook his head. Smiled.
“No…compassion.”
@freedomwriter76
Yeah! Leons personality really shows. But with that, it gives me an immediate opposition to Riker. Curious to see how you’ll change that 😄
yeah check it ou! It’s a great book.
Oh also I always listen to music while I’m doing anything writing related, and I just happen to be listening to “Fight on, Fighter” By for king and country rn, lol it was unplanned but feels fitting for what I’m reading.
Oh ok! I read it, but skipped Rikers flashback cuz it seemed like it was going to be sad.
That was really good! Honestly, If I pulled a historical fiction out of a library that’s exactly what I would expect. Like, if I had a friend who liked WWII hist fic I would totally recommend your book! I feel like you are providing glimpses of the past and the character’s intentions, but not too much.
The only recommendation I would make (you know your book better than I do so don’t feel the need to change anything)
If it works with your story, maybe hold off on Rikers help a little bit? I didn’t have background of what he is usually like (maybe the reader doesn’t need to know his past, that’s ok) He comes off as completely unloyal to the Nazis, if that’s true than you did a good job! I feel like you might have better tension if you leave him feeling a bit grey. Its about three chapters in, and I already feel like he’s a good guy. If that’s the affect you want than that’s fine, but I thought it might be a little early to trust him. Of course I understand if your building up fake trust in the reader for a moment of weakness he has later.
Nice writing! I honestly could imagine most of it really well.
And yeah, I’m starting to feel for Riker. 😥
Like, I’m conflicted 😂
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
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Yeah! Leons personality really shows. But with that, it gives me an immediate opposition to Riker. Curious to see how you’ll change that 😄
Now I’m determined to change your mind, so just you wait. XD
yeah check it out! It’s a great book.
I’ll need to write it down somewhere! My TBR list keeps getting bigger and bigger, lol.
Oh also I always listen to music while I’m doing anything writing related, and I just happen to be listening to “Fight on, Fighter” By for king and country rn, lol it was unplanned but feels fitting for what I’m reading.
That’s actually a song I have on one of my character’s playlists, actually! And I listen to music when writing too! 😉
Oh ok! I read it, but skipped Rikers flashback cuz it seemed like it was going to be sad.
Thanks for reading! And you’re good! I would say, just for future for you, you may be having to skip over some of his things, bc Riker will have more flashbacks over the story, just as a heads up! 🙂
That was really good! Honestly, If I pulled a historical fiction out of a library that’s exactly what I would expect. Like, if I had a friend who liked WWII hist fic I would totally recommend your book! I feel like you are providing glimpses of the past and the character’s intentions, but not too much.
GIRL!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!! ❤️❤️❤️
And I’m so glad I got that across, lol. XD I’ve really had to learn not to info dump, and I think I’m improving! 😉
If it works with your story, maybe hold off on Rikers help a little bit? I didn’t have background of what he is usually like (maybe the reader doesn’t need to know his past, that’s ok) He comes off as completely unloyal to the Nazis, if that’s true than you did a good job! I feel like you might have better tension if you leave him feeling a bit grey. Its about three chapters in, and I already feel like he’s a good guy. If that’s the affect you want than that’s fine, but I thought it might be a little early to trust him. Of course I understand if your building up fake trust in the reader for a moment of weakness he has later.
Thank you for your advice!
Well…Riker…hmm…how do I say this without spoiling anything…? XD Never mind, I won’t say anything. I don’t want to spoil it. XD
Nice writing! I honestly could imagine most of it really well.
Thank you! That’s so relieving. I always feel like my description is never good enough, heh. XD
And yeah, I’m starting to feel for Riker. 😥
Like, I’m conflicted 😂
Mwahahahahaha! What if that’s exactly what I want…? XDXDXDXD
@freedomwriter76
Thanks for the heads up! If I stop responding at some point don’t worry about it 😂 I’m just really sensitive.
Hmm.. I’m not sure about Riker… 🤔 This is confuzzleing
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
- Rank: Chosen One
- Total Posts: 8156
Thanks for the heads up! If I stop responding at some point don’t worry about it 😂 I’m just really sensitive.
You’re Very Welcome! 😀 I understand!
As I’m sure you know and I’ve said, this book is about the Holocaust specifically, but I promise, I won’t get super graphic, because I’m not comfortable writing that, plus, I’m trying to still keep it in a teen-age range. And, this is a Christian book, so it also will portray light! 😀 Which, I guess the “Christian” side of it hasn’t been shown too much yet…but I think I kinda like it that way…maybe it will get non Christians to pick it up more… 😉
@freedomwriter76
Oh! Also I’m not saying you should tone it down. I think it’s important to represent what people went through! Also I feel like your story effects me more than other history stuff because your characters are so good! 😂 Keep at it! Like I’ve read history stuff that had sad scenes in it, but it didn’t effect me as much because I couldn’t relate to the character’s or didn’t feel for them. Your dialogue is really good too. 😃
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
- Rank: Chosen One
- Total Posts: 8156
Hmm.. I’m not sure about Riker… 🤔 This is confuzzleing
You know…I kinda like it that way. XD Maybe I want readers to be confuzzled. XDXDXDXD Because, personally, I like characters that make me feel a little conflicted at first, lol.
@freedomwriter76
Lol congratulations. I am thoroughly conffuzled.
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
- Rank: Chosen One
- Total Posts: 8156
Oh! Also I’m not saying you should tone it down. I think it’s important to represent what people went through!
I know! But the plan was already to have it in that range…but if God changes that, I’m all for it. But as a teenager myself, I know it can be hard for teens to find good Historical Fiction sometimes. 🙂
Also I feel like your story effects me more than other history stuff because your characters are so good! 😂 Keep at it!
Aww, girl, thank you!!! The characters are my favorite part too, so…XD
Like I’ve read history stuff that had sad scenes in it, but it didn’t effect me as much because I couldn’t relate to the character’s or didn’t feel for them.
I feel that! XD
Your dialogue is really good too. 😃
Aww, thank you! I sometimes feel like it’s not, even though multiple people have told me how good it is, lol.
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Lol congratulations. I am thoroughly conffuzled.
Thank you.
And good! Be confuzzled about Riker. XD
@freedomwriter76
Aww, thank you! I sometimes feel like it’s not, even though multiple people have told me how good it is, lol.
Yeah lol! Listen to them 🤣 it’s good!
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
@freedomwriter76
I’m sorry girl, I would’ve responded sooner but I’ve been at yoga with my grandma and then went to eat lunch.
OH MY GOODNESS, GIRL!!!! I’m in love already!!! Oh my gosh that first chapter my heart was breaking for Leon😭😭❤️❤️❤️! Riker!❤️❤️!! Ughh!!! Sweet Riker and Leon. And Ezra!! Poor Ezra❤️😭. This is SOOO GOOD!!! I need more!! 😊
#HugRikerSquad
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