Scene critique (hi, it's me again)

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  • #11068
    Rosey Mucklestone
    @writefury
      • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
      • Total Posts: 467

      *laughs at that lovely exchange*

      Here you go then!

      The lights disappeared down the street within a few minutes and two other passengers were visible through the back window. The street was empty again.
      Cobalt wasn’t even sure how he’d managed to get away so quickly. But there he was, his back against a tree along the roadside and his middle burning with a sting much worse than anything he’d endured so far.
      All those henchmen along the way must’ve gotten me quite in shape.
      He sat with his back to one of the trees near the apartment building, holding his middle tightly and trying to stem the blood flow that was quickly darkening the middle of his shirt.
      He gritted his teeth against the stinging. This is ridiculous. I’m like maybe five minutes from being able to actually talk to Jean and this happens.
      Unwrapping his scarf from around his neck, Cobalt pushed the scratchy, knit wool up against the slash mark and tied a tight knot to hold it in place. His head cleared a little and he looked over at the yellow light of the apartment windows coming through the rain.
      There was the one that would be his window. And right next to that was Jean’s. A few figures moved around, but they looked too fuzzy for Cobalt to make out.
      Jean, probably. Taking a deep breath, he pulled himself up, using the tree trunk to support his back. I can do this. It’s just a scratch . . . He took a step forwards and almost fell back against the tree again with the jab of pain that followed.
      “Oooh . . .” Cobalt bent partway over, but remained standing. The night seemed much more cold now all of a sudden. He was shivering.
      He slowly untied his hoodie from around his neck and slipped back on over the bloody shirt and scarf bandage.
      There. I can’t even see it anymore. I’ll be fine.
      He took another couple steps forward. And a few more. He managed to straighten back up, even, but his arm remained clenched across his middle.
      It’ll be good. I’ll be fine . . . Cobalt’s breath came in pained little puffs as he staggered the rest of the way to the door. Another jab came and he leaned on one of the porch posts, fighting back the dizziness.
      Oh, dear God, help me.
      He pushed through the door into the empty lobby and stood, wavering for a second as he slowly remembered which way he went from here.
      Left, it was . . . yeah, that was the way to the rooms. With another sucked in breath, Cobalt tightened his lips and pressed on.
      The halls seemed to go on forever and the floor tipped every which way like a ship deck in a storm. The room numbers didn’t make much sense at first, but the familiarity pulled at a memory in his mind.
      That’s room number eighteen . . . and Jean is in number . . . twenty-one . . . I’m close.
      Cobalt’ stomach didn’t seem to hurt that much any more now that he was used to it, but weird dots of color were speckling the halls and he couldn’t blink them away.
      Finally, the right number showed up at the end of the hall. Twenty-one, in all its gold-lettered glory. A few more steps and he was there, standing and holding his hand up to knock. The door seemed to waver in from of him. A familiar bark came from inside it.
      Gilligan. That was the dog’s name, right?
      He smiled and gave his first weak tap on the dark wood.
      Won’t they be surprised?

      *

      After those few, freeing minutes were done and they lifted their heads, Jean’s smile seemed hard to take off.
      “Thanks, Jazz.”
      Jazz nodded, “Glad I could help.” He motioned cautiously to the paper Jean had been writing on the table, “Just, out of curiosity, what were you writing?”
      Sliding it back in front of her, Jean shook her head and scrunched it, “Ways I could have saved him. There were actually surprisingly less than I thought.” She let out her breath and allowed herself another smile, “You think he’s smiling up . . . there? In heaven?”
      Jazz nodded, “I’m sure. And it’s so lopsided, all the other angels are wincing.”
      “Of course,” Jean let out a small laugh and rubbed at one eye, wiping away the last tear.
      Suddenly, Gilligan barked loudly, standing up from his dog bed and walking over to the door. Jean and Jazz looked over as he barked again.
      “What is it, buddy?” asked Jazz.
      They went quiet and a weak knock at the door answered the question.
      “Come in,” Jean called so that whoever was out there could hear her.
      The knob sounded like it was pawed at a few times before it was actually gripped and opened. With a slight creak, the door swung open. And there, pale, dirty, and dressed in the filthiest hoodie and jeans she’d ever seen, stood Cobalt.
      Jean’s eyes opened wide and her mouth hung partway open as she stared.
      “What?” Jazz turned in his chair so he could see the door and his face assumed the same shock, “Cobalt?!”
      There were a few long, astonished moments of silence.
      Cobalt shrugged, looking rather tiredly embarrassed, “Late for the party, huh?”
      Jazz nodded slowly, “A little . . . yeah.” He stood and looked his friend up and down. A grin broke across his face, so wide his cheeks began to hurt. “Man, where were you?”
      Cobalt smiled crookedly back, “Nowhere.”
      “Well, come in!” Jazz waved a hand for him to enter, laughing a little, “Gosh, man . . . we missed you.”
      Jean still sat in the same state of shock, staring at Cobalt with her face utterly blank.
      Stepping stiffly in, Cobalt looked over at her with a frown, “Is Jean okay?”
      “You just kind of surprised us,” Jazz explained, “We were just talking about you, right, Jean?”
      Jean nodded very slightly, her face not changing.
      Cobalt tried to smile again but it turned into a grimace and he closed his eyes tightly.
      Jazz looked concerned, “Are you okay, Cobalt? You look really pale.”
      “I’m fine,” said Cobalt quietly, “Just a little bump on the way in.” he bit his lips and opened his eyes again. “I . . . um . . .” turning to Jean, he stutteringly tried to start a sentence, “There’s something . . . I needed to tell you. Something important . . .” he took a breath, “Dr. Übel . . . well . . . I overheard . . .”
      He paused again, wavering. Then his legs crumpled underneath him and he fell to the ground.
      “What on earth?” Jazz went down next to him and grabbed his shoulder, “Cobalt?”
      Cobalt’s eyes were half open and he weakly tried to sit up, mumbling something about a scratch, but went limp. His head lolled backwards onto Jazz’s arm and the camo hat he was wearing fell off to the floor.
      “Jean!” Jazz looked over to Jean, who still sat in her chair, “What happened?”
      “I . . . I don’t know . . .” Jean shook her head, seeming to come out of the shock of seeing Cobalt again for the first time. “He’s alive,” she whispered.
      “He’s not going to be if we don’t do something!” Jazz’s hand brushed over the front of Cobalt’s hoodie and came away with a streak of red. He frowned and pulled it up, his eyes popping wide open at the sight of all the blood.
      Gilligan was whimpering and sniffing all over Cobalt with his tail tucked worriedly.
      The door between the two rooms slid open and a red-haired head poked in.
      “What’s all the . . . whoa, Nellie!” Wally had just stepped in and took a step back in surprise almost as soon as he did, his mouth dropping open. He pointed at the bloody figure on the floor and looked between Jazz and Jean.
      “Is that . . . Cobalt?”
      “Yep.”
      Wally blinked a few times, licked his lips and nodded, his eyes resting on Cobalt’s scarf-tied middle. Doing a turn on his heel, he turned around and grabbed something jingly off the top of his radio.
      “I’ll get the car.”

      #11072
      Daeus
      @daeus
        • Rank: Chosen One
        • Total Posts: 4238

        Awe, I don’t know Kate. It was just there, ya know? Don’t worry though. This will give me great insight into characters with withered hands. My novels are gonna just go crazy now.

        Oh, yeah *goes and reads about Cobalt*

        🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢

        #11074
        Daeus
        @daeus
          • Rank: Chosen One
          • Total Posts: 4238

          There. I can’t even see it anymore. I’ll be fine.

          Genius! Histarical

          Suddenly, Gilligan barked loudly, standing up from his dog bed and walking over to the door. Jean and Jazz looked over as he barked again.

          Can you not say suddenly? Sometimes it’s ok, but here it takes away all the suddenness.

          “What?” Jazz turned in his chair so he could see the door and his face assumed the same shock, “Cobalt?!”

          “Assumed the same shock” give an anticlimactic feel. Don’t swing to the other extremity, but something with more description, ya know?

          Oh, and this is a great scene. So much to like.

          🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢

          #11101
          Kate Flournoy
          @kate-flournoy
            • Rank: Chosen One
            • Total Posts: 3976

            @Daeus aw man, in that case I should have pounded it completely off and then asked you how it felt! 😛 *starts looking around for gavel* Now where did I put that thing? 😉

            Love it, @writefury! Love it love it love it! I agree with Daeus— that one line

            There. I can’t even see it anymore. I’ll be fine.

            is awesome. And you’re right— that’s not any better of a stopping place. 😛

            Poor Jean never stood a chance, did she? She seems like a fascinating character, but Cobalt eclipses her in every way.

            Daeus
            @daeus
              • Rank: Chosen One
              • Total Posts: 4238

              @kate-flournoy Yes, splendid idea.

              🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢

              #11105
              Kate Flournoy
              @kate-flournoy
                • Rank: Chosen One
                • Total Posts: 3976

                *screams* @Daeus WHAT!?!?

                😉 😉 😉 😛

                Rolena Hatfield
                @rolena-hatfield
                  • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
                  • Total Posts: 405

                  *runs in out of breath* “I heard thy scream dear lady,” @kate-flournoy “What is it that troubles thee?” *scrolls upward, continues to previous pages. Comes back huffing and puffing* Whew. You nearly gave me a heart attack. I thought someone’s villain had actually got the better of them. *clears throat* Any more violent outburst of this kind and I just might have to separate you two! :p


                  @writefury
                  Whoa! Add me to the Cobalt fan list! Everything was said that needed to be about this scene! It’s truly fantastic. *begs with Kate* more please! (actually, I think you have previous scenes posted here somewhere that I never got to read yet. *goes back to find more of Cobalt*)

                  https://rolenahatfield.com/

                  #11145
                  Kate Flournoy
                  @kate-flournoy
                    • Rank: Chosen One
                    • Total Posts: 3976

                    @Rolena-Hatfield *lowers head contritely* I shall keep my screams to myself. 😉

                    Rolena Hatfield
                    @rolena-hatfield
                      • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
                      • Total Posts: 405

                      @kate-flournoy hahaha! No my dear, this was worthy of a scream. Well done. XD

                      p.s. we should start an official Cobalt fan club. I nominate you president.

                      https://rolenahatfield.com/

                      #11152
                      Kate Flournoy
                      @kate-flournoy
                        • Rank: Chosen One
                        • Total Posts: 3976

                        I don’t think I’m allowed to pass the motion myself, as the nominee… Here @Daeus, here’s my gavel. 😉

                        Daeus
                        @daeus
                          • Rank: Chosen One
                          • Total Posts: 4238

                          All in favor say aye. *Looks around. Slams gavel (hopefully not on Kate’s hand)* Motion passes. The senate will discuss whether or not to serve lemonade at our annual meetings during our next session.

                          🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢

                          #11154
                          Kate Flournoy
                          @kate-flournoy
                            • Rank: Chosen One
                            • Total Posts: 3976

                            My hands are both completely whole, @Daeus. 😉

                            We need @writefury’s … thing… on this.

                            Thing.

                            Consent? Opinion? Er… thoughts?

                            Approval! That’s the word I was looking for. 😛 Approval. We need @writefury’s approval. *cups hands to mouth* @writefury!!! Where are you!?!?!

                            • This reply was modified 8 years, 8 months ago by Kate Flournoy.
                            Daeus
                            @daeus
                              • Rank: Chosen One
                              • Total Posts: 4238

                              Nah, majority wins anyways.

                              🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢

                              #11157
                              Daeus
                              @daeus
                                • Rank: Chosen One
                                • Total Posts: 4238

                                My hands are both completely whole

                                Glad to hear it. With your dragon’s breath blinding me forever, I wasn’t too sure about my aim.

                                🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢

                                #11159
                                Adry_Grace
                                @adry_grace
                                  • Rank: Loyal Sidekick
                                  • Total Posts: 169

                                  Cobalt fan club? *perks up* Where?? Sign me up!

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