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Yep, it’s the same book I’ve been doing this for. So you get more Cobalt @kate-flournoy. 😛
This part is a huge turning point near the end of the story, so I just need to make sure I’m getting everything polished up here.
So, polishing tips would be nice. 😉Background for this scene: Jean accidentally cut off the communications with Frost, who is spying on the bad guy’s island and is really beating herself up about it. Jazz, Cobalt’s best friend, agrees to talk to her.
Cobalt (who is still thought to be dead by everyone except the bad guys) is making his way back. Einhardt and Acker are the two people stationed by the bad guys near his end destination.
(sorry if that confuzzled anyone.)The sun had just gone down as Jazz, burrowed in a large coat of Captain Navio’s, arrived at Jean’s apartment house. Wally was waiting for him at the door. Walking up at a smooth, gliding pace, Jazz extended his hand ominously and did Darth Vader breathing from under the hood.
“Hey,” Wally pocketed a mini Rubik’s cube, pushed off the doorframe he’d been leaning on and waved back.
Jazz dropped the Darth Vader impression and pushed back his hood, “Hey. Reconnected with Frost yet?”
Wally shook his head, “Nope. And Jean is as hermitic as ever. You ready to talk to her?”
“Ready to try.” Jazz pulled off the coat and hung it on a coat rack, “Even if I don’t get anything out of her regarding why she’s acting so weird, I have some jokes.”
“Not knock-knocks . . . please . . .” Wally said, sounding exasperated.
“No, not that. More like some theories and stuff,” Jazz amended, “Like, do you think flies’ spirits are as annoying as flies are?”
Wally rolled his eyes, “I see. Well, take a try at actually being serious before you pull that stuff out, okay?”
“Yup.”
Jazz saluted Wally and marched off down the hall, following the numbers until he reached twenty-one. The hall was so quiet Jazz’s ears rang with it. He put one ear up to the wood of the door and listened.
Silence answered.
Wally’s footsteps came down the hall and he looked over at him.
Is she even in there? Jazz mouthed.
Wally shrugged broadly and opened the door into room twenty-two. He stepped in and Jazz was alone again.
Putting his ear to the door again, Jazz strained for any noise and was rewarded.
Gilligan’s toenails clicked around on the inside for a minute and stopped after a quiet word.
So she was in there.
Jazz raised his hand and gave a quick rap at the door, “Hola, senorita Jean?”
“I don’t want to see you, Jazz.”
Jazz frowned. It was spoken clearly and the meaning was obvious. No sidestepping what she’d said. Where was the loophole to get in?
He cleared his throat, “Excuse me, what did you say?” he asked as he swung open the door.
Jean didn’t answer. She sat at the two-person table to the right the room. The chair was facing the door, but she wasn’t looking at it. Her head was down over a piece of paper she was writing on.
Jazz did more Darth Vader breathing, making Gilligan look up from his dog bed and perk up his ears.
Jean looked up and gave a weak frown, “I said don’t come in.”
“Oh, well too late,” Jazz bowed his head, “I’m sorry.”
Jean sighed loudly and continued writing on her piece of paper, “What do you want?”
Grinning, Jazz plopped down in the seat across from her, “I’ve got a new song. Wanna hear?” He held up his speaker-equipped hand, but Jean shook her head no.
“Well then, I have some theories for you. So, do you think flies . . .?”
“Jazz, just go, please?” Jean sounded tired.
Jazz twisted his mouth off to the side in a frown and leaned forward in his seat, “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” Jean scribbled something out on her paper, then folded it carefully in half, “Please go.”
“Wally is in no way blaming you for the tripped cord, you know.”
“Doesn’t make any difference. I did it. Frost is in a horrible situation without us. He’ll starve or die of sleep depravation before we can even get to him.” Jean still didn’t make eye contact. “And it’s because I tripped the wire.”
“Is that why you’re so upset?” Jazz asked, “We can send out a rescue mission for Frost. I think Wally’s working on figuring it out right now. Besides, you don’t need to blame yourself. Wally’s cords are always a mess anyway. It was a simple mistake that happened once.”
“Twice,” Jean whispered.
“Hmm?” Jazz frowned, “What do you mean, twice?”
Jean bit her lip hard.
“You only pulled Wally’s cord apart once, right?” Jazz tried to get her to laugh, but her face tensed up even more.
She drew in her breath and closed her eyes, like she was trying to erase some bad memory.
“Hey,” Jazz put a hand on her shoulder, “Really, I want to help.”
Jean shook her head and pushed his hand off as she stood, twisting her hands. Jazz opened his mouth to say something else to cheer her up, but her whisper silenced him.
“Cobalt.” The voice barely sounded like Jean.
“Cobalt?” Jazz looked confused for a second.
“I killed him. Cobalt died because of me,” her voice cracked, “And now Frost probably will, too.” Jean’s head dropped down and her shoulders shook.
Jazz stared, his mouth partway open. A sad ache started in his chest at the mention of Cobalt, but he blinked hard and pushed it aside.
“Jean . . .” Jazz stood and walked slowly over to her, “I . . . I miss him too . . .”
“You and everyone else,” Jean swiped a hand across her eyes and pulled away from him. “I should never have gone on that stupid mission. I should have been shot then. It was my mistake and he was aiming for me . . . and now you guys are all framed because they took his suit too.” She sat back down at the table, folded her arms on top and put her head down on them, her shoulders continuing to shake.
“If he died, it was obviously God’s intention,” Jazz sat down across from her again, “No one could have taken Cobalt if it was before his time.” He forced a laugh, “Trust me, there were plenty of instances where it could have happened.”
Jean looked up, her face red, “Couldn’t God have chosen someone else to carry out his chosen time? I tried to save him . . . I really did . . .”
“Even if it was your fault in the slightest, Jean, you still need to be able to move on and forgive yourself,”
“But . . .” she tightened her mouth again, “I . . . all the people I hurt because of it . . .”
“I forgive you, Jean.”
Jean’s face came up slowly, her eyes locking with Jazz’s, still doubtful looking. “R-really?”
Jazz smiled a small smile and nodded, “Yup. Totally. I won’t even mention you in association with that ever again. And I’ll tackle any of the guys who does.”
Jean involuntarily gave a choked little laugh.
“Now,” Jazz leaned forward, “That was my bit. You going to forgive yourself now? Or am I going to beat you on the forgiveness count?”
A smile that looked strangely like Cobalt’s spread crookedly across Jean’s face and she grabbed Jazz’s hand across the table. “I’m in.”
Jazz grinned back and both of their curly heads bowed down in prayer. A weight Jean had felt in the room ever since Cobalt had died lifted.
*Walking out of town to Jean’s apartment turned out taking longer than Cobalt expected.
Longer, as in a few hours longer. And no one was all too eager to pick up someone who looked like he’d gone and half drowned himself on purpose so hitchhiking wasn’t too much help.
It’s been a while since I’ve been in Washington rain anyway, Cobalt thought, This is sort of like a bath. I’ll be all clean for telling what I learned. Spiffed up for my presentation.
All the rain in his hoodie didn’t seem worth it to keep on, so he pulled his hoodie over his head and tied the sleeves around his neck, making a sort of cape.
His legs felt numb from walking when he finally got off the tiny turn to the apartments. It was a bit of a back road with a broken up old sidewalk. The only frequent visitors were the residents, some joggers and the occasional police patrol car. Cobalt had timed it once. The drive by time seemed to be seven o’clock sharp. Judging by the darkness, he guessed it was actually around that time now.
I’d better hurry. Cobalt picked up his pace and started whistling for the first time since being injured.“Einhardt,” Acker’s voice broke the silence.
Einhardt took his ear away from the car radio slightly, but didn’t seem to acknowledge his comrade. “That Winter boy escaped from two of our best this morning,” he said, curling his lip in disgust. “I can’t believe they haven’t just finished the trouble and killed him already. He probably wouldn’t cooperate even if we got him back.”
“Einhardt!” Acker put a hand on his shoulder and pointed out the windshield to the left, “Is that him?”
Einhardt’s eyebrows raised and he sat back up straight again, his gaze following Acker’s.
A boy was walking along the side of the road at a fast walk towards the apartment building they were supposed to be guarding. The place where Agent McStone was. He was wearing an old, baggy, blue hoodie tied around his neck, boots with too long of laces, filthy jeans and a few mismatched accessories. Black hair stuck out wetly from under the hat, dripping down the boy’s face.
Einhardt swore, “It is him! This far already? We didn’t even need to lie that boy’s a madman.” Quickly swiping something from the glove compartment, he threw open the door and stepped out.
“What . . . what do you have with you?” Acker stuttered, keeping his voice low as he stepped out to join Einhardt.
“Nothing. Just . . . assistance for the cause of Inselreich.” He started at a half jog towards the boy.
“Wait,” Acker whispered harshly, “We should not to harm him! He is needed alive!”
Einhardt didn’t answer and sped his pace towards their target, “I will fight for my country, Acker. I will only do what is in the best interests of our cause.” He raised his voice as they got within hearing range of the Winter boy.
“Excuse me, sir?”
Cobalt stopped and squinted at the two men as they drew closer, “Aye?”
“What’s your name?”
“And why would ye be wantin’ to know that?” he took a few slow steps back.
“He has an accent,” whispered Acker, “It can’t be him.”
“He’s a clever boy. That’s what he wants us to think. He’s faking it.” Einhardt waved a hand and smiled broadly as he closed the distance enough that shouting wasn’t necessary. “We have a message for you from Agent McStone. You’re her teammate, right?”
That got his attention.
Cobalt’s green-blue eyes popped wide open, “Jean?” his accent was almost completely dropped.
“Yes,” Einhardt smiled again and slowed to a casual walk as he got within the last few yards between them. Acker was still tugging slightly at the back of his coat and whispering various negative words. Annoying man.
Cobalt still took a step back as Einhardt got closer than he would have liked, “I might know the lad ye’re talkin’ aboot . . . would ye mind givin’ me a name to tell ‘im?” the accent was back and his voice sounded suspicious.
A sound came from behind them and headlights flashed through the raindrops.
“Sir . . .” Acker’s voice rose in alarm as he turned.
Einhardt shook his head, “No, Mr. Winter. Simply this.” His hand flashed out from his coat pocket in a quick stab.
Cobalt staggered backwards with a gasp, holding his stomach. A small, bloodied knife was gripped in Einhardt’s hand. He smirked and stepped forward as the engine noises grew louder behind him.
“The police!” Acker looked back at the scene that had just unfolded and inhaled sharply, “Einhardt, what have you done?”
“One more should do it for sure,” he moved again towards his unsteady victim, knife raised.
“Did you hear me?” Acker roared, “Police, you idiot!”
Einhardt turned as the police car stopped a few yards in back of them.
“What is going on here?” called a voice after the sound of a door opening.
“We . . .” Einhardt opened his mouth and slipped the dagger up his sleeve as he shrugged. Wet sounds came from behind them in the puddles. He forced himself not to look back.
“I’m innocent,” Acker put his hands up, a pained expression on his face, “And any involvement I had, I am truly sorry for.”
Einhardt glared at him.
The policeman pushed back his hat, “Well, that knife you’ve got there looks pretty suspicious to me the way it’s stuffed up your sleeve like that. Trying to hide something?” he tipped his head, “And wasn’t there another guy with you?”
Acker looked back in surprise. Only raindrops filled the sidewalk on the dark street.
“No,” Einhardt shook his head, “No one.”ACK!!!!!!!!!! ACK ACK ACK GIVE ME THE REST GIVE ME THE REST I WANT TO SEE JEAN’S FACE WHEN SHE REALIZES COBALT IS ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!! *collapses in nervous wreck on floor, melts into tears*
No complaints. Absolutely no complaints— just one thing, and it’s not really something badly done as much as it is something that could have been done better. Jazz— his comments about God. I would rely more heavily on subtext and make the comments less obvious. Cause really, no one really talks about God that way. If they believe in Him and reverence Him and love Him, they’re going to speak of Him with care and leave more to implication than they say outright. The one particular comment that really got me was ‘If he died, it was obviously God’s intention’— especially after Jazz had been being so funny and light-hearted. The transition was too quick, and also I feel like he would more realistically say something like, ‘If he died, it was obviously his time.’ See? You have the same implications, but not the blatant, almost painfully obvious statement of fact.
Aaaaaaand… (I think I’ve mentioned this before 😛 ) I. Love. Cobalt.
Any questions?
This is really great Rosey. I only have two small comments. First, when Jean says, “R-Really?” This seems too much like a quick mood swing. I would just have something like, “Oh-“.
Second, the part where the two bad guys are talking: I don’t know quite how to say this but it seems – almost – formulaic – kind of. I mean, first of all, the bad guy is talking about Cobalt and then he just happens to show up right then. I guess this makes sense and there’s nothing cheesy about it, but just the way the bad guy was just talking about it makes it sound cheesy. I also didn’t get as good of a “present” feeling with this part. It was more this happened then this happened. I’m not quite sure how to fix that but maybe just take another look at it.
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Where can I read more of this? Cos this was great. I loved it. 🙂 The one thing I would say is kinda just echoing what’s already been said by Daeus. The bad guys dialogue at the end. How Acker talks especially seems somewhat… I don’t even know how to put it. Unnatural or forced I guess. Is he a reoccurring character throughout the book? If so, I could see how him talking that way could be a trait he has… Does that even make sense?
@writefury
Okay, so can I be the first to say…WOW!!!! This is so amazing!!! I want to read ALL of this! I did notice just a few small things: after Jazz is listening at Jean’s door, you say Silence answered. To me, that doesn’t make much sense since he didn’t call out or anything so nothing could have answered him. That might just be me…hope that makes sense.
Also, you wrote She sat at the two-person table to the right the room. I believe you need the word of after the word right.
And one last thing Acker says,“We should not to harm him!” I think you meant “We should not harm him” . Anyway, that’s all I noticed…AMAZING JOB!!!!A dreamer who believes in the impossible...and dragons. (INFJ-T)
Wow. That. Was. Awesome. Cobalt is definitely my favorite character.
My two cents…
Something went wrong in this sentence :He was wearing an old, baggy, blue hoodie tied around his neck, boots with too long of laces, filthy jeans and a few mismatched accessories.
Also, Acker’s comment sounds a little stilted here:
“What . . . what do you have with you?”
Something like “What’s that?” might flow better.
Reading through you guys’ comments, I’m seeing a lot about the German characters’ stilted speech, so I may be the one who’s wrong here, but I kinda got the impression it was supposed to be that way because they couldn’t speak proper English. @writefury I am mistaken?
@kate-flournoy I don’t think it had much to do their accent. I think it was mainly about the flow of the scene, sentence flow, and characterization.
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@Daeus ah. My bad. 🙂 I do see how that could be better, now that you mention it.
@kate-flournoy Your reaction… I’m grinning my face off right now. XD I’ll definitely post some more. (Though I can’t promise that stopping spot will be much better… 😉 )
@daeus and @adry_grace That was my biggest concern on the scene. Bad guy dialog isn’t really my strong point. 😛 I shall work on that.Thanks for catching the typos, @ingrid! *goes to fix them*
I didn’t see that sentence’s flow before @sarah-h, I shall fix that as well. 🙂
So, you guys want the next scene? *evil look*
Yes! Any opposed? *glances happily around* No?
Good.
*slams gavel down on desk with resounding crash* MOTION PASSES!!!!!I would raise my hand but Kate has forever crippled it with her gavel.
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You should really write about a character who takes gavel swinging practice
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*horrified gasp* Oh my goodness @Daeus let me see it! *drops gavel with clatter, springs in terror from her seat* Oh no, why did you have your hand there!?!?
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