- This topic has 45 replies, 9 voices, and was last updated 1 year, 3 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
@mineralizedwritings @freedomwriter76 @loopylin @folith-feolin @koshka @lightoverdarkness6 @arien @starofthenorth @theloonyone @godlyfantasy12 @madelyn @wilder-w @elishavet-pidyon @sarafini @esther-c @everyone
Here is Chapter 2, for anyone who wants to read it. This is my first draft, to be clear, and I am looking for any feedback and critiques you all might have. Feel free to comment on anything! 😀
Chapter Two: February 20, 2022
Kakhovka, Ukraine
NataliyaPiotr and Lyaksandro bang on my bedroom door, yelling for me to come out, but I merely stick my hands behind my head and lean against the wall. The view from my window is brown trees, snow, dirt, and a glimpse of the icy Dnipro River through the apartment buildings. Ukrainian winters in the city are bleak, barren and beautiful.
The sun is shining, so I am content, even though the thermometer reads -10 c. I like to think I am built for brutal weather.
“Nataliya, come on!”
I cannot ignore them any longer. Lunging for the door, I yank it open. “What do you want?”
Lyaksandro grabs my arm, his dark hair settling over his forehead. “Aren’t you bored in there by yourself?” He pulls me into the main room of our apartment. Kitchen, living room and dinning room all in one, it’s crowded.
“What’s all the noise for?” I glance at Piotr. To my disgust, his brown eyes are grinning.
“Let’s eat something,” Lyaksandro invites, throwing open the fridge. “What do you want, Liya?”
“Nothing.” I turn to go back to my room, a frown creasing my face. I am fortunate, as the only girl, to have my own room and a bit of privacy.
Lyaksandro darts in front of me and stands in front of my door, a glitter starting up in his dark eyes that I recognize at once. Video game mode. “You are commanded to stay out here with us. We’re tired of being by ourselves, and you must keep us company.”
I stare at him, then at Piotr. “What?” I ask sharply. “Where are all your friends? I’m going to draw.”
“They had other things to do. Bohdan would have come over, but he wasn’t feeling the best,” Piotr shrugs. “At least bring it out here,” he adds.
I push past Lyaksandro and close the door firmly. He lets out a groan that is so pronounced I can hear it clearly through the door. “Why is she like that? She doesn’t want to talk to us.”
“Whatever, who cares,” is Piotr’s response. Something in his voice digs into my conscience unpleasantly.
Defeated, I gather up my drawing supplies and phone. When I come out, Lyaksandro cheers but Piotr glances at me distrustfully. “I thought I mind as well be bothered by my little brothers while I have them,” I say gruffly.
My comment brings the tirade of protest I knew would come. They are fifteen and twelve, just the right ages to be thoroughly irked at being called little. When it is over, I am neatly settled at the table with Piotr leaning over my shoulder. “So what are you gonna draw?” he gloats.
“Nothing while you’re staring,” I retort.
“What’s wrong with me watching you?”
“I can’t have anybody watching when I draw. I do it best when no one is looking. I came out here cause you wanted me to, so now you stay over there and keep to yourself.”
He shuffles over to the counter and leans against it, watching me expectantly. Just as I pick up my pencil, a giggle explodes from behind my chair.
“Lyaksandro, you heard me,” I repeat, pressing my lips together.
He picks a chair at the other end of the table to eat his snack. I try to ignore their chatter and lay down the first fine lines on my paper, humming softly to myself. It’s an old hymn we sang at the Eastern Orthodox Church this morning, and the familiar tune calms me.
As I draw, I wonder what I would do without the rituals and soothing comfort of the religion I’ve known all my seventeen years. My oldest brother Fadey doesn’t share my appreciation, however, choosing to have a good job instead of church.
He works seven days a week at the Welding Plant, not a very exciting job in my opinion. When I’m done with secondary school, I have plans to go to school in Kyiv. The Kyiv Acadamy of Art.
~~~~~~
I lift my pencil and greet my brother with a small grin. “How was work?”
“Less boring than church!” he responds cheerfully, dropping his coat on the couch.
My lower jaw sags, but before I can reply, Lyaksandro goes into VGM (video game mode) and pounces on him with a shout, bending him nearly double. Fadey throws him onto his shoulder.
Lyaksandro gasps and yells as he is swung back and forth. Piotr doesn’t even have to cross the room to get involved. “Don’t even think about it, Piotr!” Fadey says, laughing.
“I wasn’t,” he responds, innocently swigging his soda. His eyes twinkle as he reaches behind him for a crumpled napkin and casually pelts Fadey, hitting him neatly on the cheek.
Fadey frowns, putting Lyaksandro down and kicking off his boots. As he walks over to wash his hands, he mock punches Piotr, who shoves a soda can into his hand. “Have a drink, sonny,” he advises.
“Sonny,” Fadey snorts. He pops open the tab and a fizz of white foam spurts out, dripping down his wrist. “Hey what…” his face shows disgust.
I laugh. Piotr holds his stomach, shaking, and I know he planned that. Watching his enjoyment, I admire his wit. Fadey swipes at the soda on the floor with his sock and leans against the counter. “So how’s the drawing coming, sissy?”
I stop laughing, offended.
He chuckles and slurps. “My apologies.”
“Really?” I grimace.
“She’s embarrassed. She doesn’t want anyone to see it,” Lyaksandro chimes in, popping up beside me with a wicked grin. He peers at my papers curiously.
“That’s not true,” I protest, my cheeks growing red, while Piotr eyes me strangely. “I mean, I don’t like people watching me while I’m drawing. They can look at it when I’m done.”
Fadey comes over to lean on the back of my chair. I cover my paper. “Aw come on, I promise I’ll only make fun of it if it’s terrible.”
Lyaksandro giggles and pushes my hands away. “Oh it’s a girl!” he exclaims. “She’s sitting on a rock or something and she’s drinking soda!”
“Wrong!” I hastily correct. “She’s smelling some flowers. And that’s not a rock. It’s a bench.”
“Some bench,” Fadey belches close to my ear.I jerk away, catch the look on his face and flip the drawing over. “You’re disgusting,” I wrinkle my nose. “You’re super gross.”
“My judgment on your drawing is that it needs some help.”
“My judgment on you’re manners is that…”
“I already heard your judgment, Liya,” he says, belching again. He dumps the last few swigs of soda into his throat.
I stare at him repulsively, then stick my tongue out at his back.
Tato comes out of his bedroom, his dark hair still combed neatly from church. He goes to the fridge and Piotr moves aside. The room is quiet.
“Fadey,” Tato nods at his drink. “Anymore of that?”
“He drank the last one,” Piotr announces innocently.
The fridge door slams. Tato turns and stands in front of the table, looking past me, towards the couch and television set. But the look in his eyes tell me he does not see anything.
“Something’s going to happen. This whole thing with Russia. Something bad’s going to happen.” His words are sudden, breaking the fragile stillness. Fadey puts the empty soda can carefully on the counter, touching it lightly, as if it’s filled with dynamite.
Tato’s fist slams into his hand. “I don’t like it. We’re too close to Donbas and Crimea. Something’s going to happen, and we might be in the way.” He stares at us, his eyes moving over each of our faces. My heart flips slightly. There has been trouble with Russia for as long as I can remember, but something about his face tells me that this rant is different than the hundreds of other rants I am accustomed to.
I send Lyaksandro a dagger look. He is drawing on my picture, taking advantage of the silence and inattention. Grinning slyly, he adds a flimsy looking cup of soda on the girl’s knee.
“Stop it,” I exclaim.
Everyone looks at me and Tato breathes sharply. “When whatever is going to happen happens, we need to be prepared. If there’s an emergency, take them to your Tante Anna’s. We’ve been to Kirovohrad enough so you should know how to get there by yourselves.”
I realize that Tato is speaking this to me, earnestly, his face drawn. He reaches out and rips the pencil roughly from Lyaksandro’s fingers. “Listen to me, boy. This is important.”
Lyaksandro is still.
“If you are at school, you must leave and come home. If none of us are here, take the train, the bus, anything. Do not wait for us. There is money for tickets in the bureau.”
I do not ask any questions. Tato is a cautious person and he must have seen something on the news that scared him. I check my thoughts. Wait, Tato is scared?
“When do you think something will happen?” Piotr asks, deadly serious. I wonder why I don’t feel more frightened. I must be missing something.
“It could be a year, a month, I don’t know. I just want you to be prepared.” Tato says heavily. He sits down next to Lyaksandro, slides my paper over, and fingers the edge wordlessly. I find myself wondering if he even sees it. I want him to complement it because, except for Lyaksandro’s cup of soda, which looks totally out of place, it is a good drawing.
“Did you see something on the news?” Fadey asks, slipping his phone from his back pocket.
Tato doesn’t answer him. He is looking at my drawing still, really looking now. I can see his eyes going over every line, every faint curve.
We hear Mama’s frustrated voice on the stairs outside the door, calling something a dirty word. When she comes in, her frustration merges with her scolding. “Fadey, really? Your nasty boots are right in the way.” She gives them a little kick and closes the door, putting down a basket of laundry with a huff and brushing back her hair with her wrist. “It’s way cold down there. You’d think they’d keep the furnace working better.” She scoots past the table to the sink and scrubs her hands. “I was doing your laundry, Piotr, and it’s filthy. If you keep riding through mud puddles on your way to school, I’ll confiscate your bike and make you walk. Understand?”
“Whatever. The whole road is puddles, Mama,” he grouches.
Tato moves over to the couch and turns on the TV. Mama fusses at Lyaksandro’s messy hair before going to the fridge for a soda and fussing at Fadey for taking the last one. She tells Piotr he needs to get out of the kitchen because he’s taking up too much space.
The scolding and noise from the TV make my head buzz. When Lyaksandro tries to add a tree into my drawing, I slap at his hand and grab my things, disappearing into my bedroom.
An hour later, my door opens, and Mama comes in. She’s holding a mug in one hand, which she quietly sets on the desk beside me. “You left your eraser on the table. Lyaksandro was chewing on it.”
“What a baby,” I exclaim.
Mama’s hand touches my back and rubs it gently. “He’s dealing with everything that’s going on just like the rest of us.” She emphasizes the last few words.
“What is even going on?” I sigh.
Mama follows my sigh with one of her own. She glances out the window. “It was sunny a minute ago.”
When she closes the door behind her, a draft of fragrant air wafts in from the kitchen. The aroma of fried potato pancakes mixes with the cinnamon and honey fragrance from the steaming mug of tea on my desk. I wrap my hands around it, breathing deeply. Never mind Mama’s scolding. My shoulders still feel the tender warmth of her touch.
Out my window, the sky is gray, the sun dusted over with clouds.
He must increase, but I must decrease.
Here’s Nataliya’s moodboard.
He must increase, but I must decrease.
WOW that was so good! I really feel the sibling interactions, they feel very real. The moodboard is pretty too! Can’t wait to read more!
へびは かっこいい です！
I love it so far!! I can really feel the characters’ personalities. And you’re doing a great job writing in present tense. Like, I’ve tried it before, and I just can’t do it right. 😅 So, awesome job! I can’t wait to read more!!
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
Hah!! Thank you. I feel encouraged now. I tend to write about siblings a lot because well, I have seven so that’s a huge part of my life. 😀 I’m so glad you like it!!!
Good good good!!!! I’m so happy you enjoyed it. Thanks…this is my second time writing in present tense. I still catch myself writing in past sometimes and have to go back and fix stuff. 😀 But over all, I actually like writing in present better than I thought I would! Hopefully I’ll have chapter three out soon!!
@both of you
I’ve read somewhere that you shouldn’t write present tense from two points of view because readers could get confused whose view it is. I still wanted to do it though, so I made sure to put who’s view it is from at the beginning of each chapter.
So…were you guys confused? The first chapter is Ludwika’s POV and the second is Nataliya’s. And I’m planning to switch between them in future chapters, but I never switch POV’s in the middle of a chapter.
Thanks for the feedback! 😀
He must increase, but I must decrease.
I didn’t find myself confused at all bc you had the character’s names at the start of each chapter. I write in two POVs all the time. The way I signal it’s someone different it by starting each first sentence of the chapter with their name. (Well, at least most of the time)
Thanks for the feedback! 😀
Yep! You’re welcome!!
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
That’s interesting, I’ve only written present tense and never considered that being an issue. I can’t say much about that because I use an omniscient narrator. My novel is the plan for my graphic novels, which basically have no perspective. I mean it would be odd to have a graphic novel panel where only one character’s thoughts are visible, most of the time you can see both. I did not notice the perspective shift, but it takes me time to acclimate to a new story. The new characters and names where probably enough for me so I didn’t notice the shift 😂😅 had I reread them back to back I probably would have noticed though.
へびは かっこいい です！
Ok that’s good. Thanks!
Yes I see. I did read a book where it shifted between two POVs and sometimes I forgot who the narrator was and had to go back and look, or try to figure out from what was happening. But I think if I put the name at the start of each chapter it should be fine. Oh yes, about a graphic novel, it would be strange to just see one character’s thoughts! So maybe it’s not a problem. Anyway thanks for your feedback!!!! It means a lot to me! 😀
He must increase, but I must decrease.
I love this!! Each chapter gets better and better! You did really good showing the sibling dynamic. That sounds like our house 😂. I love to draw, and my little brother is always drawing on my drawings 😅😆. I love Natalyia! Her name is really similar to mine! My real name is Natalie 😊.
I could feel the tension when Tato (is that their dad) told them that something was going to happen with Russia. I could feel my heart beat increase😁😂. I don’t have really anything to critique, other than maybe show that Tato is their father (if in fact he is). Any way, I love it, and can’t wait for more!!
#HugRikerSquad
I love this!! Each chapter gets better and better! You did really good showing the sibling dynamic.
Thank you so much! I’m glad you like it. Yes, I have seven siblings so writing about sibling dynamics comes somewhat naturally. 😀
That sounds like our house 😂. I love to draw, and my little brother is always drawing on my drawings 😅😆.
Ha ha! Uh oh!! 😂
I love Natalyia! Her name is really similar to mine! My real name is Natalie 😊.
Your name is so pretty!!
I could feel the tension when Tato (is that their dad) told them that something was going to happen with Russia. I could feel my heart beat increase😁😂. I don’t have really anything to critique, other than maybe show that Tato is their father (if in fact he is). Any way, I love it, and can’t wait for more!!
Yes, Tato is their dad. I forgot to put that at the beginning! Tato is the Ukrainian word for dad. Thanks for the feedback!!
I’ll be putting chapter three on here soon!!
He must increase, but I must decrease.
Thank you so much! I’m glad you like it. Yes, I have seven siblings so writing about sibling dynamics comes somewhat naturally. 😀
You’re welcome!! Yes, I love it! I just can’t get over how many siblings you have!! That’s awesome! 😀😂
Ha ha! Uh oh!! 😂
Haha, yeah! I let him draw on the ones I don’t care about. Sometimes he writes me sweet little messages 😊❤️.
Your name is so pretty!!
Thank you!! I love yours too! ❤️😊
Yes, Tato is their dad. I forgot to put that at the beginning! Tato is the Ukrainian word for dad. Thanks for the feedback!!
Oh, okay! I thought so. You’re welcome!
I’ll be putting chapter three on here soon!!
Can’t wait!!
#HugRikerSquad
@lightoverdarkness
Haha, yeah! I let him draw on the ones I don’t care about. Sometimes he writes me sweet little messages 😊❤️.
That is so sweet…do you mind if I use that in my story?? I just had that thought now. I’m not sure if Lyaksandro would do that but I want him to!!
I love yours too! ❤️😊
Thanks… 😀
He must increase, but I must decrease.
@felicity personality I really like that the writing is present tense It makes it feel kind of like the characters are talking about something that happened in the past which is amazing (the only other book I’ve read that wrote in present tense was Name of the Wind which was a very good book (I would not suggest it though as it’s sequel one has some very inappropriate scenes.))
Thanks! This is the first time I’ve tried writing in present tense and I’m enjoying it so far.
He must increase, but I must decrease.
That is so sweet…do you mind if I use that in my story?? I just had that thought now. I’m not sure if Lyaksandro would do that but I want him to!!
Oh, I’m sorry I’m just now seeing this. Absolutely, you can use it!! Me and my brother would be honored 😊! Whenever you publish it, I can brag to my friends that my brother and me inspired that part 🤣😅! And that I’m good friends with the author 😊😉!
Thanks… 😀
You’re so welcome!!! 😊
#HugRikerSquad
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
