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Here is the first chapter of my WIP Overcome for anyone who wants to read it! I hope you all enjoy. Please critique it ruthlessly.
Glossary of Polish Words:
droga- dear
Babcia- grandma
kartoflanka- a creamy potato soup
Pronunciation:
Ludwika- Luh-dVEE-kah
Michał – MEE-khaw
Łucasz- WUH-kash
Chapter One: February 20, 2022
Radzymin, Poland
LudwikaThe priest’s monologue incantation rolls through the cathedral. I shift slightly, slouching in the smooth wooden pew. Every Sunday morning seems to stretch from where I sit to the glittering Baltic Sea, three hundred miles away. I’ve gone to the cathedral every Sunday of my seventeen years, but the words that fly over my head are just a noise. I don’t hear them anymore.
The waves of sound stop. Father Josef waves his hand and pronounces a solemn benediction. My mom bows her head beside me but I stare straight ahead. Familiar defiance fills a corner of my mind. Nothing has happened. No one has ever answered me. Why should I waste time praying?
Outside, I stop to watch a pair of storks above the sloping roof of the cathedral. The frigid air doesn’t seem to bother them. They circle slowly before pulling in their wings and dropping to land on the roof.
“Ludwika!”
“Yes Michał?”
My older brother tugs at his tweed overcoat, watching me impatiently. I hurry to catch up and climb into our Toyota Corolla. Mom settles in to the front seat. Michał drives.
“The storks are back,” Mom says, looking out the window as the church fades from view. “They are early! I wonder what that means.”
No one can see me in the back seat. I roll my eyes and make a face. Storks bringing good luck is an old fairy tale. Michał’s blue eyes catch me in the rear view mirror. He gives me a strange look, but doesn’t say anything.
Mom sighs happily. “People used to believe that storks bring God’s blessing.” Her voice lilts. “Maybe I will get that secretary job I wanted.”
“Maybe I will get better grades,” Michał jokes dryly.
“You don’t need luck to do that, son.”
Maybe I won’t have to go to Mass every Sunday.
We pull up smoothly to the front of the house. It’s small, with the air of a chalet about it. The cement walls are plastered a pasty peach color and the trim is nut brown. Behind the house there is a yard and a garden. A slim but sturdy black fence graces the front. I run my fingers up the porch railing and step inside.
Mom talks cheerfully, smoothing a slender hand over her dark hair. “I always feel so encouraged and inspired on Sundays! Father Josef has a calming presence, don’t you think?”
“Sure,” I respond indifferently.
“Ludwika,” Mom puts her lips together and shakes her head slightly. “You should show more respect towards our priest.”
Michał brushes past me, trying to escape the conversation most likely. I roll my eyes. “Religion just doesn’t mean as much to me as it does to you.”
“I hope you’ll come to understand otherwise, my droga. Do you want soup for lunch?”
“Definitely soup.” I think of hot, fragrant broth and grow warmer.
I shed my black dress coat and lay it across the arm of the plush sofa. Even with two arm chairs, the sofa and a hutch, the emptiness of the front room is palpable. I step into the kitchen. “Where’s Dad at?” I ask.
Mom puts down a mixing spoon and reaches for her phone. “He’s two hours from Kolno, and he said he’s going to stop in and see Babcia, so he should be home later tonight.”
The walnut clock on the shelf reads nearly noon. “He’ll have to drive in the dark.” I chew my lower lip.
“Yes. He’s done that before.” Mom smiles. I watch as she puts down her phone and picks up the salt shaker. She is tall and slim and beautiful. Her smile stays with me, brightening my disgruntled thoughts.
Michał comes in. He rubs his nose and frowns at his phone, which promptly emits a ding. His face relaxes.
“Having someone over?” Mom asks.
“Yeah,” Michał sticks his hands into the pockets of his sweatshirt. His usually hidden grin breaks like dawn across his face. “Nothing like a Sunday afternoon chat,” he says casually.
I snap my back straighter and toss a strand of honey brown hair behind my ear. “I hate to spoil that beautiful smile, brother, but I don’t think you’re going to get a mere Sunday afternoon chat.”
He stares at me testily.
“Lukasz doesn’t know how to chat. He only knows how to lecture and debate.”
“Yeah, that’s what I mean. That’s what I like about him,” Michał shot back.
“Well there are other people in the world, you know. You’ve been at the university for three months, made one friend, and it just so happens that out of all the hundreds of students you had to pick someone who irritates the life out of me!”~~~~~~~
Familiar argument finished, my brother and I resort to silence. Mom sets the food on the table. “Is that how you two show your care for each other?” she asks softly.
No one answers.
I sit at the table and she hands me a bowl of hot kartoflanka. I stick my face into curling steam it emits. Each spoonful fills my mouth with creamy potato, rosemary and onion flavor. I turn to flash Mom a heavenly look.
“Thanks Mom.”
“You’re welcome, droga.”
I tap my phone and scroll through messages, posts and news feeds, then lay it aside. Mom’s potato soup deserves all my attention. I reach for the plate of crusty poppy seed rolls she sets nearby.
One hand in his light brown hair, Michał perches on the edge of the counter, absorbed in his phone, mumbling to himself. A scratch pad sticks out of his back pocket. “Stop smacking, Ludwika.”
I take another bite. The roll is delicious, soaked in the thick broth.
“I said stop smacking!”
I glance up, annoyed. “I’m not.”
“Why don’t you eat something, Michał,” Mom offers, getting out more bowls.
He shrugs and sits down, pulling a shiny red pen from behind his ear to scribble something on the scratch pad.
I stare at him. He grabs a roll and stuffs it into his mouth. “Wonder who’s smacking now,” I comment coolly.
Mom’s lips twitch in amusement.
The door bell rings. Michał jumps up. “Come in,” he calls loudly, his mouth still full.
I absentmindedly hear greetings, a short laugh, and then Michał and his friend come into the kitchen. “Have something to eat, Łucasz,” Mom invites.
Łucasz thanks her and sits down, sliding off his leather jacket. He is dark haired, keen eyed and sharp tongued. Immediately Michał and he go off about politics. Łucasz does most of the talking, running his fingers along the side of his face, concentrated, but alert to everything around him. He says there have been more cyber attacks recently. “Be careful what you do on your phone. I took off my banking app. It’s not safe.”
Between the cyber attacks and local news, they move on to the discuss the future of Poland’s monetary value. We’re one of the few European countries to have kept our traditional currency, the zloty. But some think that we’d be better off if we switched to using euros. Łucasz is in favor of getting rid of the zloty. Michał shrugs.
“I don’t care. Whatever is the best thing for our economy. I figure the politicians know best.”
I huff.
Łucasz turns piercing eyes on me, hearing my huff. I straighten. “We don’t want to switch to the euro. The zloty is traditional and is part of our heritage.”
He smiles condescendingly, spilling out a cascade of facts to bolster his side. I let the words wash over me, not caring to listen. It’s just one of the many things we disagree on. I feel his probing eyes following my arm as I reach for the last roll. Turning it over in my hands, I examine the crisp, brown edges.
My attention span lasts about twenty minutes. I can only handle politics and university talk for so long. I leave the table, taking my phone with me into my bedroom.
Just before I close the door, Łucasz’s loud voice pronounces that the Russians are bringing more troops to the Ukrainian border. I toss my phone onto the bed behind me and reach for the door. How Mama can sit there and let him talk like he’s an expert at everything beats me.
I almost slam the door, then pause.
“…and there are speculations about this upcoming clash. It won’t just be a clash between Russia and Ukraine, but between Russia and the West.”
“That very well could be World War III,” Mom admits quietly.He must increase, but I must decrease.
Wow. I like your set up. You did a very good job of an intro.
I did feel like some things were a little too stated, and perhaps not quite smooth. You did a very good job though. I enjoyed it, and will be hoping for more!
And I should probably read more contemporary fiction. It was a little bit funny on my side to be reading about cell phones and texting, due to the fact that I’ve mostly read historical or fantasy. (Although I did just read a good sci-fi novel. I’m making progress! XD)
First Grand Historian of Arreth and the Lesser Realms (aka Kitty)
I am wondering though, Ludwika and Michał, are they just being obnoxious brother and sister, or is there conflict in this family? Because it may just be me, but they felt rather strained.
And what draft is this?
First Grand Historian of Arreth and the Lesser Realms (aka Kitty)
Wow. I like your set up. You did a very good job of an intro.
Thank you!!
I did feel like some things were a little too stated, and perhaps not quite smooth.
Yes you’re right. I am experimenting with a newer writing style and not sure if I like the way it flows. I think to counter my normal long, rambling prose, I kind of chopped things up. I’ll work on that! Thanks alot! Any specific place you think I should change?
You did a very good job though. I enjoyed it, and will be hoping for more!
Appreciate it so much!!! More is coming! I have nine chapters written so far.
And I should probably read more contemporary fiction. It was a little bit funny on my side to be reading about cell phones and texting, due to the fact that I’ve mostly read historical or fantasy. (Although I did just read a good sci-fi novel. I’m making progress! XD)
Ha, that’s funny because when I wrote this it was my first contemp fiction and I felt the same way!! 😀
I am wondering though, Ludwika and Michał, are they just being obnoxious brother and sister, or is there conflict in this family? Because it may just be me, but they felt rather strained.
Well, I mean, yeah if you look at their ages. (17 and 19) it does seem kind of obnoxious right? Good guess about the conflict. Spoiler ….you’re right. 😀
And what draft is this?
This is 1.5 draft. Technically first, but I spent a good hour or two messing with it.
He must increase, but I must decrease.
I really liked that!
Glad to see another present tense writer! We’re pretty far and few between here on KP. 😀
Something That I do to help with the flow is alternate action words with ing and no ing. For example, this sentence could be said with either way.
“I say, as I step inside.
“I say, stepping inside.
If I use “step”, then I try to make the next action word end in ing. I just find it helps with flow a bit.
へびは かっこいい です！
Oh, I really like this!! I love the set up of their home and family life.
Just wondering, how far into the Russo-Ukranian war is it? From what I understand, is it just beginning?
Yeah, @mineralizedwritings tip about changing up the action words with ing and no ing could help the story flow a little better.
Anyway, I loved it! Can’t wait to read more :D!
#HugRikerSquad
Thanks for reading!! I’m glad you liked it! Yes! This was my first try at present tense and I really liked it, so I kept it. 😀
Thanks so much for the tip! I will use it for sure.
He must increase, but I must decrease.
That’s great!! I’m super thrilled you enjoyed it! Thank you!
Yes this is actually Feb. 20, 2022, and the invasion starts on the 24th. So it’s right at the beginning of everything. This book isn’t so much about the actual events of the invasion, more about how the events effect the people of Ukraine and Poland. I don’t go into much detail about the facts of battles because it’s hard to find true details about that stuff right now. (Both sides release different news. Russia says Ukraine did this while Ukraine accuses Russia of the same thing, etc.)
I’m planning to put more on here soon!! I’ll tag you… 😀
He must increase, but I must decrease.
Yes!! I loved it! You’re so welcome! 🙂
Oh okay! Yeah, I was wondering how much you would write of the war, –since there are two sides to the story, and we’re not sure who’s right, –or as you said, how it affects the people.
Okay!! Thank you for explaining!! 😀
#HugRikerSquad
Yeah, I’m trying not to take sides. I just want it to be an unbiased story. When I started I had plans for three MCs: one from Poland, Ukraine and Russia, but when I started researching, it was really hard to find things about Russia so I had to give that up.
He must increase, but I must decrease.
I loved this, and you did such a good job writing it!
The only thing I would say is maybe put a little more tension in. The war is mentioned, but I don’t get the feeling that the family is panicked enough. Maybe you could figure out a way to show they’re nervous about the war? (If they are, maybe they’re not)
But great job, and I would definitely read more!
Dark is the Shadow, and yet my heart rejoices.
Thank you!! I’m glad you liked it!!
Also thank you for the suggestion!! The only thing is, this is the Polish family, and I don’t think they’re as panicked at the Ukrainians would be. So I guess I’m trying to keep things normal, showing that they’re aware but not worried.
The next chapter is about the family from the Ukraine, and understandably they are more worried. Perhaps I should have done them first?
He must increase, but I must decrease.
Okay, definitely the Polish family wouldn’t be as panicked. I guess I missed that detail . . .
If I was writing it, I would probably put the chapter about the Ukrainian family first, just because that would seem to me to be the most important family. But that’s just me, and I don’t know what you’re going for. Do what you want, you’re the author!
Dark is the Shadow, and yet my heart rejoices.
Thanks for the feedback! 😀 I’m still trying to figure out what I want first.
He must increase, but I must decrease.
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