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I might be able to read it, but I’ll try to get back to you if/when I start.
Don’t let yourself think that you or your writing isn’t valuable, even if no one is reading it at the moment. You’re an amazing writer, and if God wants you to use that talent right now, He’ll help you to write what he wants you to.
'Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.'
Aw thank you so much girl <3 that means a lot!!!!!!!!!!!
And don’t worry about it!!!!! If you can, yeah, just let me know!
This lady thrives on the divine grace of Faith and the rich embrace of caffeine.
@liberty and @everyone
Is there anything specific you want us looking for?
I’m not sure….
I’m just wanting to know if the plot makes sense at all, or if it’s all over the place.
In other drafts, I used to just throw the characters at you, but now I’m trying to establish them more distinctly.
So basically…I just want to know if all the characters are too confusing or if they’re easy to follow. I’m trying to make all of them unique so you don’t forget they exist XDXD
Also I’m worried about pacing. I need to get into the major plot, and I’m worried it’s going too fast. This is a rough draft, so I can always change things later, but as of now do you guys think it’s okay?
I’m not looking for really thorough critiques right now, like grammar or words that would fit better, I’m looking for like chapter by chapter critiques and critiques on plotting, characters, etc. If that all makes sense?
This lady thrives on the divine grace of Faith and the rich embrace of caffeine.
Also I should warn you guys…
My book is a *little* dark. There’s mentions of abuse, slavery, and cruelty, as well as evil and violence.
It’s not graphic. I had my mom read it and she said I wrote it “tactfully”, because it got the point across without being too graphic or descriptive.
But just thought I’d say that if you guys are really uncomfortable with any of that stuff, this might not be the best read for y’all XD
This lady thrives on the divine grace of Faith and the rich embrace of caffeine.
I’m currently on chapter 9, and so far I think the pacing is good. I’ll get some more thoughts to you later.
Also, question. Are you planning on making Livia a main character in this draft?
If I had ever learnt, I should have been a great proficient.
savannah_grace2009
Okay! Thanks, this really helps.
"He who never quotes will never be quoted." ~Charles Spurgeon
Okay good!!!!
Thank you so much!!!Yes, Livia is a main character now!!!!
Good, I’m glad!
This lady thrives on the divine grace of Faith and the rich embrace of caffeine.
@savannah_grace2009 I liked it! I can’t wait for more.
-The violence and stuff I can handle. About the only thing that would raise a red flag for me is what Rath did to Sef’s mom (I don’t remember her name), but you didn’t write that very descriptively and any discomfort I had with the scene was a me problem, not a problem with your writing.
-I liked each of the characters, they all felt unique and had their own personal struggles. It’s interesting how they are all different types, too.
"When in doubt, eat cheese crackers."-me to my charries who don't even know about cheese crackers
-The plot was good, I enjoyed what you have so far.
-I’d love to get a little more in depth on your worldbuilding, but you don’t need to do that, it’s just something I enjoy.
"When in doubt, eat cheese crackers."-me to my charries who don't even know about cheese crackers
The violence and stuff I can handle. About the only thing that would raise a red flag for me is what Rath did to Sef’s mom (I don’t remember her name), but you didn’t write that very descriptively and any discomfort I had with the scene was a me problem, not a problem with your writing.
Okay, good to know! Thanks!
I liked each of the characters, they all felt unique and had their own personal struggles. It’s interesting how they are all different types, too.
That’s good!!! I’m glad, I’ve had to work a lot at that!
-The plot was good, I enjoyed what you have so far.
-I’d love to get a little more in depth on your worldbuilding, but you don’t need to do that, it’s just something I enjoy.
I think once I finish this draft and then go back and edit, I’ll be able to add more details!!! Thanks so much for the input!!!!
This lady thrives on the divine grace of Faith and the rich embrace of caffeine.
I was able to skim through the chapters, I didn’t read every word but I just wanted to get an idea of what the story and the pacing was like. I’m interested to see where you’re taking it! There were some huge changes made from the past versions I’ve read, but I think overall it’s going to make the story more to-the-point, if that makes sense. Before you had a lot of scenes with Sef and Lilitu hanging out as younger kids, Sef not knowing Likitu liked her, etc. plus, Neveah doesn’t get taken by the Pythonos—Sef does! 🤯 I’m looking forward to seeing how you connect Livia and Marcurious to their story as well. Well done!!
'Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.'
Thank you so much!!!! That means a lot to me and it’s so encouraging <3
This lady thrives on the divine grace of Faith and the rich embrace of caffeine.
@savannah_grace2009 you’re welcome! and thank you!
"When in doubt, eat cheese crackers."-me to my charries who don't even know about cheese crackers
Alright, here we go!
Prologue
Rolling clouds blotted out any sight of the twin moons, and tendrils of fog floated in on a frigid breeze, curling up and around the two lone figures in the street.
Had a man been so unfortunate as to look out upon the street through the frosty panes as the two walked by, the sight would have turned his blood to ice.
I’m not going to critique every single sentence like this, but since the first sentence/paragraph is especially important, I’ll give some thoughts on this one.
I think this is a very strong opening. It’s not overly descriptive, but it still evokes a mood well. You got a worldbuilding detail in as well that quickly lets the reader know this is a fantasy world.
You could try cutting the first sentence in two (“Rolling clouds blotted out any sight of the twin moons. Tendrils of fog…”). I noticed that the first paragraph consists of only one sentence, which isn’t necessarily a problem, but it might sound better to have the two separate sentences. I don’t know if it’s necessary, but you could try it to see if you like it better.
Every step was marked with purpose, determination, and—all the more terrifying—desperation.
This feels a bit melodramatic. You’ve well established this as being an eerie scene, but it’s a bit of a leap from eerie to terrifying. What is so terrifying about desperation. I’m also not sure if “–all the more terrifying–” makes grammatical sense. You might be looking for something along the lines of “–most terrifying of all–“. I’d also point out that in this context, “purpose” and “determination” are basically synonyms, and while It’s not unheard of to use synonyms like that, but it’s not strictly necessary. I’m kind of thinking that it might be better to get rid of this sentence entirely and fit the idea that the people are desperate into a previous sentence. Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like this sentence is just a bit messy.
Straining again to hear the sound of his shallow breathing, Sevyrn placed her ear a little closer to his chest, but to no avail. Every wisp of a breath, every trace of life was swept away by the wind’s mournful cries.
I think you want ‘wisp of breath’ here. (No ‘a.’)
Are You even there? She tried to hear the familiar whispering that used to quiet her soul.
But she hardly heard Him at all anymore.
Using the word ‘hardly’ lessens the so-called “impact” of the sentence. You could instead try “But she didn’t hear Him at all anymore.” If she can still hear Him a little, then why would she ask, “Are You even there?” in the previous sentence.
A gaping void that had once been filled with love and light and joy, but now was so horribly empty.
Semantic nitpick: the subject of this sentence is ‘void’, which is, by definition, empty. So, if you remove the middle this sentence says, “A gaping void that now was so horribly empty.” I get what you’re trying to say: ‘it was full, but now it’s a void’, but something needs to be changed. You could try something along the lines of “What once had been filled with love and light and joy was now a gaping void, so horribly empty.” (I don’t think that sounds great, but it makes more grammatical sense.)
He knew well what his son was, what he and Sevyrn were as well.
I think an emdash (or is it an endash?) is appropriate here: “He knew well what his son was–what he and Sevryn were as well.”
Also, I think the “as well” at the end sounds awkward, and I don’t think it’s grammatically necessary. You could try “He knew well what his son was–what all three of them were” or something like that.
They were Paynes, half-breeds, not associated with by anyone, let alone any doctor, and certainly not an Estrello.
To me, the preceding sentence seemed to indicate that you were going to let that hang and not tell us what they are. It feels a little anti-climactic (maybe that’s not the right word, but whatever) to go from the faintly ominous sounding “what he and Sevryn were, as well” to just telling us “they were Paynes.” Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like some tweaks might help.
“It’s more of those cursed Paynes,” Odessa muttered, anger flashing in her hazel eyes.
I think the word you’re looking for is ‘accursed.’ From my understanding, ‘cursed’ implies that they are literally under a curse, and even if that’s what you’re intending, it also makes it sound like it refers to these specific Paynes–those cursed Paynes as opposed to those other non-cursed Paynes.
Kratos sat up, sighing deeply and summoning a beam of light from the stars to illuminate the room, light pouring from his hands like a river as he slipped out of bed, throwing on a robe and scratching at his gray beard, willing his eyes to stay open.
A bit nitpicky, but this simile doesn’t help me picture what’s happening at all. I can’t really imagine light pouring like a river. If you were pouring a river out of your hand, the water would just fall to the floor, right? (And I would assume that that is not what is supposed to be happening.) I don’t know that a simile is necessary for us to imagine what this looks like. If you want to use one, then using something light-related would probably be better.
The woman’s azure hair spilled out from under her hood like a river
(Another reason not to use the previous river metaphor.)
Why have children if you’re going to starve them to death? Kratos shook his head in indignation.
Maybe it’s supposed to be hypocritical, but since we were just told that Kratos “was well known for extortion and using the misfortunes of others for his profit”, I don’t see why he’d care. Maybe it would work better if you used a word other than indignation. Indignation suggests that he actually thinks of this as some sort of injustice and cares about it. You could try ‘disdain’, which instead would just suggest that he’s using it as another reason to look down on them.
On the Kratos scene as a whole, I found it interesting that it’s from Kratos’ perspective. The main point of this scene seems to be to show the attitudes of the other races towards Paynes, so I found it a bit unusual that it was done from the perspective of one of those other races. Generally, we’re supposed to have some level of sympathy for someone who’s POV we’re in, but Kratos is just such a horrible person that he comes across as a villain even from his own perspective. That strikes me as a tad unrealistic. In real life, almost everyone sees themselves as in some way being in the right. That said, somehow this scene actually doesn’t feel too unrealistic. Despite how seemingly aware of all the horrible things about him, Kratos feels like he could be a real person. So, I’m not trying to say that you need to switch this to someone else’s POV–you could try if you wanted to, but I do think this works. I mainly just wanted to comment because I thought it was interesting.
“We will not give up.” The words sounded pathetic, cliche, and weak, but it was all he could think to say…
I would change the order of “pathetic, cliche, and weak”. “Pathetic, weak, and cliche” sounds better in my opinion. Alternatively, since pathetic and weak are basically synonyms, you could just remove one of them and say, “pathetic and cliche.”
He was a mere human—shunned and hated by many. Sevyrn knew the day that they married that if they had children someday, that the child would be a Payne, the mixing of the two races-Andromedan and Human.
I would replace ‘many’ with ‘everyone.’ It may not be literally true, but I’m sure it would feel like it, and it makes the sentence stronger.
Now their world had turned upside-down, the name Payne became more than a disgrace and became a condemnation.
First off, you need a period after ‘upside-down’–that’s the end of one thought. I also think it may sound a bit stronger to say “The name Payne became more than a disgrace. It became a condemnation.”
Kaden didn’t like this. He didn’t like the Pythonos, didn’t like the stone walls that seemed to close in around him, and he certainly didn’t like the seven headed dragon that was chained in the far corner.
Just a thought, but 7 is generally a good number in the Bible. 6 is its evil counterpart, so I wonder if that would be more thematically appropriate.
The only other thought I have on the prologue is, maybe it should be a bit shorter. Cutting it off before the Cassian scene might make sense. For a normal chapter, it would be fine, but this is only the prologue. I feel like it makes sense to use Cassian finding Lilitu as the introductory scene to Lilitu’s storyline rather than just sticking it on to the end of the prologue.
That’s all for now. I look forward to reading the next chapters!
🏰 Fantasy Writer
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📚 Appreciator of BooksStarted reading through your book, but have some confusion. I had started to read something you were working on around August and September last year before you decided to take a break. Is this the sequel you are working on now? Could I get the link to finish the first book please before I read the next?
I noticed you have the same prologue for both. Was this intentional?
For some reason, I was a lot more captivated reading the prologue this time than last time. It might have had to do with the fact I was reading off of my phone instead of my laptop. Or, if you have revised it in the meantime, you have improved in your writing skills. Either way, I found the idea of a boy who lives only because of evil powers and has no idea what is going on much more interesting. I wonder if there are any consequences he directly suffers because of it other than his parents turning evil.
Sometimes it is necessary to paint the sky black in order to see the stars.
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