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Okay thank you guys!!! <33
"Hair. Mouth. Cheese of yak. Come, Sintar, bRiNg a MeLoN."
Since I don’t know where you’re going with this, I can’t really provide a good opinion on whether you should keep it or not. It’s very different from any of your other drafts (which isn’t a bad thing!).
I would just say that if you’re going back to add more details about Andromeda, made sure you don’t get too info-dumpy, which I think you got a bit close to at a few points here.
I’d say keep it. If you write the draft, and it doesn’t work out as well as other options, then you can change it, but keep it for now. I want to see where you take it.
A disturbingly short time ago, in a land uncomfortably close by...
For some reason I like this a lot better than the ones where she was little. It fits a bit more somehow. Throws us right into the story.
For some reason it reminds me of the Keeper of the Lost Cities intros. I don’t know if you’re familiar with that book series but I was just reading the latest installment so it’s still fresh in my mind, and your story calls to mind the beginnings of those books.
also your romance scenes are written JUST LIKE MINE somehow lol
"When in doubt, eat cheese crackers."-me to my charries who don't even know about cheese crackers
I agree…it did get a little info dumpy lol
Again it isn’t edited…and the details about Andromeda are mostly in the prologue and will be revealed little by little in later chapters (if everything stays according to plan hahaha!)
I know…me too…I feel like when I started it when she was little, it felt like the plot was moving too slow, but also too quickly. It was a weird feeling that I can’t really put into words, but I’ve always felt weird about how I had it before…I like this better too and with a LOT of editing I think it has potential…
✨✨✨✨ I SEE the VISION ✨✨✨✨ lol
interesting hahaha!
This is random but I’ve always been SO self conscious of my romance scenes…like part of me is obsessed with writing them but the other part of me is like I can never show this to ANYONE lol!
"Hair. Mouth. Cheese of yak. Come, Sintar, bRiNg a MeLoN."
@savannah_grace2009 It does have so much potential! And ehh, reading through it and editing little bits is half the fun for me lol
This is random but I’ve always been SO self conscious of my romance scenes…like part of me is obsessed with writing them but the other part of me is like I can never show this to ANYONE lol!
BRUHHH this is exactly how I feel though.
I don’t mind writing them and I’m totally ok with showing it to my friends, but I always tell them “Just to warn you, this is cringe. I’m sorry.” lol
"When in doubt, eat cheese crackers."-me to my charries who don't even know about cheese crackers
Sammmmeeee!!!!
And thank you so much!!!!
I agree with you so much on that hahaha! Like “I’m sorrry this is probably so cringe but I love it!!!”
"Hair. Mouth. Cheese of yak. Come, Sintar, bRiNg a MeLoN."
Oh my goodness, Sef and Lilitu kissed!😃 I’m so happy! Poor Neveah though. 🙁 I do think it makes more sense to start the story here then when she was four.
If you want to find all the cops, they're hanging out in the donut shop.
AHHHHHH I knowwww!!!!
Aw yeah :/ she just needs a hug 🥺🥺🥺🥺
"Hair. Mouth. Cheese of yak. Come, Sintar, bRiNg a MeLoN."
@ellette-giselle @highscribeofaetherium @grcr @theducktator @whalekeeper @rae @anyone-else
Here’s another unedited scene…
This is like the third chapter I think:
Lilitu, in fact, was not dead.
Though at the moment, he wished he were.
And if he couldn’t bring himself to get off the ground and keep running for his life, he would be.
His foot throbbed and burned like fire, but he couldn’t stop to rest it.
His comfort meant nothing when his life was on the line.
Blue blood oozed from his numerous cuts, the edges burning like fire.
Lilitu scrambled back to his feet, though his muscles screamed in protest, and his foot threatened to give out at any moment.
Channeling every bit of energy he still possessed, he focused on every stride as he continued to run, darting through the narrow maze between the brick buildings around him. It was easy to get lost in the alleys behind and between the buildings, but Lilitu had been back here countless times.
The hot sun peeked down over the rooftops, only adding to his exhaustion.
Sweat mixed with blood, dripping into his eyes, but he couldn’t stop.
“You can’t run for long, little Payne,” he heard shouts and jeers behind him like the baying of dogs after their prey.
That’s what he was now—prey.
Every breath felt like a knife in his lungs, and his legs were numb, his bad foot throbbing.
Don’t stop. They’ll kill you.
A spear of water pummeled him, sweeping his feet out from under him. He fell to the ground, the air rushing out of his lungs.
Like a fish out of water, he lay sprawled on his back, gasping for breath, too exhausted to get up again.
“Told you he’d tire before long,” Jyron laughed, tossing his azure hair out of his matching eyes. His blue skin glistened with droplets of water, and his hands glowed from the energy he expelled when launching the spear.
Narrowing his eyes, Lilitu tried to squirm away, but it was too late. Jyron was already pulling moisture from the air, forming a club, ready to strike.
Lilitu closed his eyes as the water struck his side with a force that threatened to make him empty the contents of his stomach.
His head was reeling, and his vision tunneled as he curled into a fetal position and hoped for a quick and painless death.
“I say we finish him now,” voices clamored in agreement. Lilitu bit his tongue to keep from crying out as a well-aimed punch landed squarely in his gut.
“What do you say, little Payne,” Jyron taunted. “Should we finish you now?” A blast of water from Jyron’s fingertips left Lilitu straining for every breath.
“Please—” Lilitu began, but he never finished his sentence.
They fell on him like a pack of wolves.
He felt rough hands on his shoulders and back, shoving, punching, scrambling with blood lust.
Something hard slammed into his temple, and a strangled cry sprang from his cracked lips.
And the only thought on his mind wasn’t the pain, wasn’t the anger, or the hot sun boiling his blood…but the vision of the girl he missed every day of his life.
The girl he knew he’d never see again.
Sef…
The world faded to oblivion.
***
“Lilitu!”
Someone was shaking him awake.
He tried to open his eyes, but he winced at the bright sun overhead. Every bone in his body ached. Unconsciousness threatened to pull him under again.
Cassian was standing over him, a pained expression on his face. “You really need to stop making trouble,” he shook his head. “You know what Pani told you about fighting.”
“They attacked me,” Lilitu glared at his brother, and the anger was back, even stronger than it was before. He shook with rage.
Cass let out a sigh, looking down his nose at Lilitu. He could practically hear Cass’s condescending tone—How could you be so irresponsible? Why can’t you be more like me?
Of course Cass would never say that—he was too perfect, but the look in his eyes spoke louder than any words.
“Let’s get you home.” Cass said instead, hoisting Lilitu to his feet.
“I can walk,” Lilitu said tersely, shrugging him off, although the world spun around him and the ground seemed to turn to liquid beneath his feet.
Cass held up his hands as if in surrender. “Sor-ry,” he whistled.
Lilitu frowned, every bruise and cut amplified tenfold. His foot ached.
He should never have come here alone. Rather, he should never have come here at all.
But the temptation to seek vengeance was strong…a hunger that he could never rid himself of.
He hated Jyron.
Hated him so much that he wanted to kill him.
Who gave him the right? Lilitu kicked a rock with his bare toe, fighting the urge to scream in pain as white hot agony laced his whole foot. He bit down on his tongue instead, tasting blood.
Who gave any of them the right? They’re no better than us, yet they treat us like dogs.
He hated Aquinos. Hated their flawless blue skin, eyes, hair…hated the way they could effortlessly pull moisture from the very air to drink when all others had to walk to the wells in the sweltering heat. He hated the way they looked down their noses like they were something special.
“How’d you find me?” Lilitu forced his sore muscles to cooperate, one step at a time, digging his nails into his palm to keep from crying out.
“You’ve been gone all day,” Cass said. “You realize its past dinner, right?”
Lilitu muttered a curse under his breath. “I was out for that long?”
Cassian nodded. “Mani was worried. We were all worried,” he added.
“I was fine,” Lilitu scoffed. “Obviously, the Pythonos didn’t kidnap me off the streets for one of their weird experiments or anything. I’m still alive.” If you call this living.
Cass rolled his eyes, biting back a laugh as he studied his younger brother, bruised and beaten. “I see that.”
Lilitu tensed as the anger took over again. “I can handle myself. I’m not a child.”
“No, you’re not. You’re seventeen, and I expect you to act like it.” Cass looked at him with an unreadable expression. “What if the Pythonos did take you? You know how they are…if they see a man alone, they’ll take him and ship him off to serve in the military. And what then? How long would it have taken for us at home to realize you weren’t coming back?” Lilitu kicked another rock with his good foot, refusing to respond.
They trudged on in silence, the sunset bathing the wooden houses in golden light.
As they left the suburbs, the houses progressively worsened, a telltale sign they were entering Wrallethom Heights, the poorest district in Lir.
Lilitu’s face molded back into his permanent frown as he studied the ramshackle houses. If he touched one with his fingertip, Lilitu was sure they’d collapse in on themselves.
“I don’t understand,” Cass broke the silence.
“What?”
“Why you always have to make trouble. Pick fights. You know they’ll beat up any Payne that dares to venture into their district.”
“I don’t.” Lilitu sighed. The fights just pick me.
“Don’t what? Pick fights? You definitely do,” Cass ruffled Lilitu’s dark hair.
“I’m not in the mood,” he gritted his teeth.
“Fine,” Cass shook his head. “Let me know when you’re ready to have a decent conversation,” he added pointedly.
Lilitu ignored him. His thoughts were far away.
Namely, his thoughts were constantly, ever focused on the girl who constantly haunted his every moment. If only they’d known that they’d be separated, if only they’d known that their time by the Brook would be the first and final time they’d ever kiss, or say I love you, or hold hands…
Ever since that fateful day when the Paynes had been relocated, she and her mother had been moved to one work district, and Lilitu and his family had been moved to another. Or at least that’s what he assumed, since obviously Sef wasn’t in the same district as he was.
He could still picture her in his mind perfectly, her light brown hair a cascade over her shoulders, her emerald eyes that took his breath away whenever he looked into them, and her beautiful heart that stole his from the day he met her.
And he would miss her every day of his life.
For all he knew, she’d been taken, killed, or abused…
And the thing that killed him was that there was nothing he could do about it.
His thoughts continued to drift, focusing now on the house and family he was returning to.
Every step felt heavier, knowing all the while he’d have to face his adoptive parents. No doubt they’d be disappointed that they’re youngest son had gotten into a fight yet again.
He had no doubt that Azazel and Indie loved him like a son…and Cassian and Eloy loved him as brothers, but it didn’t erase the fact that, years ago, he wasn’t enough for the people who were supposed to care for him all his life. Who were supposed to love him.
Instead, they had screamed at him, they’d beat him and permanently broken his foot, leaving him to die at the water’s edge of the Farnbron Brook.
Whether or not he realized it, the scars on his heart had never healed, but were still tender and raw.
Subconsciously, Lilitu constantly strove to be good enough in the hopes that nothing like that would ever happen to him again. And every time he wasn’t, no matter how many times he was forgiven or reassured by his loving parents, the blow was always devastating.
He wished he could be more like Cassian. It was easy for him-always giving himself to everyone, putting their needs before his own. Whenever Lilitu tried, he seemed to always make things worse.
And even more than that, he wished for Sef, desperately wanting her hand in his, walking beside him, now, tomorrow, and always.
"Hair. Mouth. Cheese of yak. Come, Sintar, bRiNg a MeLoN."
It’s good! definitely a better place to start. I like it, and I like the way your characters seem better shaped.
Keep it up!
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
YAYYYYY
I love it when you give me critiques because you literally always help me, whether telling me things I need to change or what I’m doing well, no matter what it is it always builds me up in the end, I appreciate you so much girl <3
"Hair. Mouth. Cheese of yak. Come, Sintar, bRiNg a MeLoN."
I’m so glad to hear that!
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
@savannah_grace2009 I love this one too! I’m assuming the story, or at least the beginning, has changed a lot from previous drafts. It’s going in a good direction!
"When in doubt, eat cheese crackers."-me to my charries who don't even know about cheese crackers
The beginning has changed SO. MUCH.
The storyline/plot is pretty similar, but it’s definitely different…
"Hair. Mouth. Cheese of yak. Come, Sintar, bRiNg a MeLoN."
@savannah_grace2009 that’s cool!!
And hey, redrafting can be fun, reading through your story and thinking “oh, I gotta change that” or “what if I switch around these two scenes? It might flow better that way” or “let me change up this character’s role…..”
Except if you do too much. I read a comic recently that had 27 drafts before its final form. Twenty. Seven. I’m not sure what the writers were thinking. I would not be able to handle that.
"When in doubt, eat cheese crackers."-me to my charries who don't even know about cheese crackers
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