NEW and IMPROVED WIP!!!!!

Home Page Forums Fiction Writing Critiques Novel Critique Requests NEW and IMPROVED WIP!!!!!

Viewing 15 posts - 226 through 240 (of 342 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #183319
    HighScribe
    @highscribeofaetherium
      • Rank: Chosen One
      • Total Posts: 2586

      @savannah_grace2009

      WHAAAAT? He’s doing it ON PURPOSE? Bad Cassian! I thought you were nice!

      I still don’t like Eloy, he’s a grump.

      Poor Lilitu, though XD getting hot soup sloshed over you is no fun.

      A donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund: Money for People.

      #183327
      The Ducktator
      @theducktator
        • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
        • Total Posts: 933

        @highscribeofaetherium

         Poor Lilitu, though XD getting hot soup sloshed over you is no fun.

        How do you know this?😂

        I still don’t like Eloy, he’s a grump.

        Poor guy’s family keeps forgetting he exists. Maybe he’d be in a better mood if people actually cared about him.

        🎵For our blessed lady's sake, bring us in good ale!🎵

        #183328
        HighScribe
        @highscribeofaetherium
          • Rank: Chosen One
          • Total Posts: 2586

          @theducktator

          How do you know this?😂

          😐

          It may have happened once or twice…

          Poor guy’s family keeps forgetting he exists. Maybe he’d be in a better mood if people actually cared about him.

          He seems like the kind of guy who’d be a grump anyway.

          A donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund: Money for People.

          #183329
          Sara
          @savannah_grace2009
            • Rank: Chosen One
            • Total Posts: 2593

            @ellette-giselle

            My fantasy isn’t a typical fantasy.

            It’s combining medieval times with our modern world. So there are cars like we have, and pistols, and other things you’ll see later.

            The rules for my world are…there are no rules.

            I’m not even sure if this works or not (the author I’m getting feedback from said that they can be combined well) but I’m just playing around with that.

            Uh…Sef is only TWELVE. Cass is ALMOST NINETEEN. That’s like, sick. It’s not as bad for a girl to like an older guy (except she’ll eventually have to face up to the fact that they can’t have a relationship like that) but for Cass to pretend to like her and lead her makes me sick.

            Especially since it’s not set in medieval times, and moreso in our world, it’s not the vibe XD


            @whalekeeper

            I am not going to give any spoilers, but there’s a reason behind it and you’ll see eventually.

            Lukas&Livia
            #Lalbert
            Sef&Chase
            #HOTTOLINE
            LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333

            #183330
            Sara
            @savannah_grace2009
              • Rank: Chosen One
              • Total Posts: 2593

              @highscribeofaetherium

              He didn’t get it sloshed over him–it was much worse and more painful, I’m afraid.

              he  tried to eat it when it was wayyyyyyyyyy too hot XD XD

              should I make this clearer?


              @theducktator

              At first I didn’t like Eloy either…but I felt bad for him so now I do XD

              Lukas&Livia
              #Lalbert
              Sef&Chase
              #HOTTOLINE
              LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333

              #183332
              HighScribe
              @highscribeofaetherium
                • Rank: Chosen One
                • Total Posts: 2586

                @savannah_grace2009
                Oh…

                *looks back*
                Nah, it’s fine, I’m just blind, apparently.

                A donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund: Money for People.

                #183333
                The Ducktator
                @theducktator
                  • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
                  • Total Posts: 933

                  @highscribeofaetherium

                  Ouch. 😂


                  @savannah_grace2009

                  At first I didn’t like Eloy either…but I felt bad for him so now I do XD

                  It’s hard to dislike characters I feel bad for.

                  🎵For our blessed lady's sake, bring us in good ale!🎵

                  #183336
                  Sara
                  @savannah_grace2009
                    • Rank: Chosen One
                    • Total Posts: 2593

                    @highscribeofatherium

                    hahaha you’re good!!!

                    Lukas&Livia
                    #Lalbert
                    Sef&Chase
                    #HOTTOLINE
                    LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333

                    #183338
                    TheShadow
                    @theshadow
                      • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
                      • Total Posts: 406

                      @savannah_grace2009

                      Hi!! Sorry I haven’t responded for a while. I’m all caught up with your book, and so far, I think it’s really good! Lilitu and Sef’s struggle feels pretty realistic, although sometimes I get a little annoyed at the Pythonos sincwe they’re so ruthless. That’s good though, because it gets across that they’re evil and evil can make people cruel (and also that they’re clearly the bad guys). There is going to be a resistance or something though, right? Cassian, what’s wrong with you?! Why would you try to do that to poor Sef?! Ok, Eloy is a little annoying, but also being forgotten all the time wouldn’t be fun… Alright, I’m done rambling lol. Keep up the good work!!

                      "No! Monkeys should have pets, all monkeys should have pets!"

                      #183339
                      Sara
                      @savannah_grace2009
                        • Rank: Chosen One
                        • Total Posts: 2593

                        @theshadow

                        Thanks for reading it!!!!!!! <3

                        Idk if I’d call it a resistance, but all I can say is that light always prevails over darkness!!!!!!!!!

                        Lukas&Livia
                        #Lalbert
                        Sef&Chase
                        #HOTTOLINE
                        LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333

                        #183341
                        TheShadow
                        @theshadow
                          • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
                          • Total Posts: 406

                          @savannah_grace2009

                          Thanks for reading it!!!!!!! <3

                          Your welcome! 🙂

                          Idk if I’d call it a resistance, but all I can say is that light always prevails over darkness!!!!!!!!!

                          Ooh, can’t wait to see what happens!

                          "No! Monkeys should have pets, all monkeys should have pets!"

                          #183342
                          Sara
                          @savannah_grace2009
                            • Rank: Chosen One
                            • Total Posts: 2593

                            @theshadow

                            <333

                            I’m glad you liked it!

                            Lukas&Livia
                            #Lalbert
                            Sef&Chase
                            #HOTTOLINE
                            LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333

                            #183343
                            Sara
                            @savannah_grace2009
                              • Rank: Chosen One
                              • Total Posts: 2593

                              @theducktator

                              This one’s for you.

                              @anyone-else I know this scene isn’t my best, but I’m super tired and brain-dead…and I just felt like writing something XD

                              Chapter 15

                              Sef held Hanna tight to her chest.

                              Please be quiet, she silently pleaded, rocking back and forth.

                              A waft of the rancid odor escaped through the secret door overhead, and Sef fought back a whimper as the sound of heavy boots reverberated through the ground.

                              Next to her, Neveah grabbed Sef’s hand in the darkness with shaking fingers.

                              Suddenly the boots stopped directly above their hiding place.

                              She knew that the brush planted beside secret door to the cellar had been strategically placed to fool anyone—even she sometimes had to look twice before she could find the door. But would it be enough?

                              For an agonizing moment, Sef heard gloved fingers moving over the secret door…she held her breath, clinging to her mani and Hanna and squeezing her eyes shut. She froze. She couldn’t move. She couldn’t breathe.

                              Tlavian, protect us!

                              And then she heard the Pythonos above walk away, heard the voices receding, and before long the rancid odor faded away.

                              The weight disappeared from her chest and she could breathe again. She let out a sigh of relief and leaned her head on her mani’s shoulder.

                              Whenever the bells rang, Neveah and Sef took Hanna and hid inside the cellar, and Azazel made sure that the door was undetectable, even to the most trained of Pythonos.

                              Now all they had to do was wait for Cassian to give the all clear. But even if he did…Sef didn’t think she had the nerve to come outside, at least for several hours.

                              She fought back the bile in her throat. That was close. Too close.

                              It had been three months since they’d been living in the cellar behind Lilitu’s house.

                              Three times since the Pythonos had searched for baby Hanna.

                              Three too-close calls.

                              She shivered.

                              Suddenly the secret door opened above them, and Cass’s face appeared, silhouetted against the bright sun.

                              “They’re gone.”

                              “Praise Tlavian,” Neveah let out a sigh of relief. Sef rocked Hanna back and forth in her arms.

                              It’s okay, little one. You’re safe.

                              I won’t let them hurt you.

                              ***

                              Lilitu held his breath as he watched the Pythonos leave.

                              His body thrummed with nervous energy.

                              What if they had taken Sef?

                              He bit his lip as he realized that one of the reasons he tried so hard to protect Neveah and Hanna and Sef from the Pythonos…is because he didn’t want to lose Sef.

                              You’re so selfish…you’re a horrible friend, why do you think she’d ever want you, little Payne?

                              You shouldn’t even be alive.

                              Lilitu let out a yell of frustration.

                              His head pounded, yet the voice persisted.

                              You are nothing.

                              “You okay?” suddenly Eloy was behind him, and Lilitu jumped.

                              “How do you do that?” Lilitu looked at his brother, bewildered.

                              “What?”

                              “Sneak up on me like that?” he shook his head.

                              “It’s an art,” Eloy laughed, and paused. “So, are you good?”

                              Don’t tell anyone…they won’t believe you. They’ll think you’re crazy. Or worse, they’ll agree with me. We both know you’re not worthy of love.

                              Lilitu let out a breath.

                              “Yeah,” he lied.

                              ***
                              No matter how hard Lilitu tried, his eyes kept wandering back to the girl.

                              And not just any girl either…the most beautiful girl he had ever seen—

                              Sef’s hair had come loose from her braid and waved behind her like a banner in the wind, and Lilitu couldn’t help smiling as she bent down to pluck dandelions from the ground as she walked down to the cellar.

                              She’d always loved flowers…even the ones no one thought were important. Sef noticed the beauty in everything.

                              Maybe because she’s beautiful like them.

                              “Stop staring at Sef,” Eloy whispered in his ear. Lilitu screamed before he could stop himself, and then tried to punch him in the face, but Eloy was too quick. He caught Lilitu’s wrist and flipped him over onto the ground.

                              “Where’d-where’d you come from?” Lilitu sputtered.

                              Eloy shrugged. “I’ve been sitting here for hours. But nobody bothers to notice me.” And with that, he turned around and walked away.

                              “Hey, Lilitu?”

                              “What?” Lilitu pulled himself to a standing position.

                              “Maybe instead of staring at her, you should, you know, go talk to her. Give her flowers. Or a stuffed toad named Bartholomew. Or something.”

                              And then he was gone.

                               

                              Lukas&Livia
                              #Lalbert
                              Sef&Chase
                              #HOTTOLINE
                              LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333

                              #183345
                              The Ducktator
                              @theducktator
                                • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
                                • Total Posts: 933

                                @savannah_grace2009

                                Sef and Lilitu are adorable, dandelions are beautiful, and Eloy is way better than Cassian. AND YOU INCLUDED THE TOAD. OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!! I’M SO HAPPY!!!!!!

                                🎵For our blessed lady's sake, bring us in good ale!🎵

                                #183346
                                Sara
                                @savannah_grace2009
                                  • Rank: Chosen One
                                  • Total Posts: 2593

                                  @theducktator

                                  Oh my goodness your signature lol that’s great

                                  YES THEY ARE

                                  Eloy’s elite

                                  hahaha yeah

                                  Lukas&Livia
                                  #Lalbert
                                  Sef&Chase
                                  #HOTTOLINE
                                  LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333

                                Viewing 15 posts - 226 through 240 (of 342 total)
                                • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
                                >