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Thanks for the great advice! I will definitely be working on all of that. I’ve noticed that a lot of the time I forget to describe, or maybe fully describe things.
Thanks for taking the time to read it! 🙂
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.
Thank you for sharing it! Reading was a pleasure and I hope you’ll post more!
"To death or to victory"
OOOOO this was twisty!
I second Landri, I also would binge read this XDSo, the fight where Sorren showed up seemed to come out of nowhere.
I’m very curious to see if Quelin shows back up… *eagerly awaits next chapter*
"...I did not say to the seed of Jacob, 'Seek Me in vain..."
(Part of) Isaiah 45:19Thanks!
Yeah, I’m definitely working on transitioning scenes, especially the battle there.
I’ll just have to let you wonder about Quelin… Don’t want to spoil it lol. But I do love his character and enjoyed writing him. 🙂
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.
@kyronthearcanin Wow! That was fun, I can’t wait for more!
I have one thing you could add. It doesn’t actually have to do with this particular chapter but with the layout of the entire book. In series such as Wings of Fire or Warriors, where there are multiple factions of characters battling (dragons and cats respectively) the book opens with an overview of the species or groups involved. For Warriors this is a list of all the current members of each of the five clans and what their ranks are (leader, healer, fighter, etc.), and for WOF this is a picture of each dragon tribe, and what their abilities and allegiances are. I thought it’d be cool if you put a quick outline of each of the species, their abilities, and their planets, for example. It doesn’t have to be anything long, unless you want to put lots of detail.
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
Thanks!
And wow, that’s a great idea! I’ve read both Warriors and Wings of Fire (up until… a certain point? I don’t know how long they’ll keep going…), but never thought of actually doing it myself. Thanks again for the awesome idea! I will definitely get to work on that. If I ever post it, I’ll definitely tag you! 😃
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.
@kyronthearcanin You’re welcome! I LOVE your story ideas so far. I’ve had ideas kinda like it but haven’t exactly fleshed them out much.
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
Ok, I’m so sorry for not responding to this after so long, I just now was able to get around to reading it. It’s really good! I like the cast of characters you got going, and you really seem to be building up on the idea of whether or not Quelin is friend or foe, is that going to turn into a major theme or arc?
A few thoughts:
Rina’s decision to just make a break for it felt very sudden and unceremonious to me. You have shown that she has acted reckless in a few cases already, but this was a far more life and death choice she made, and it seems like she would have at least considered it a little more. I feel like what would have been more believable (at least to me) is that if she ran close behind Quelin, causing him to grunt in frustration, but accept that he is supposed to watch her anyways, but suddenly they lose each other in the sea of battle, and as she came closer to the destination, she begins to then question if this is a possible escape, and now realizing that she’s lost Quelin, she may not have a choice. Oooorrr, she could have framed her argument with Quelin a little better, and just point out that he’s meant to guard her, thus he would need to send someone else, or bring her with him, and then follow the same line I mentioned before. Perhaps both of these ideas go wrong with your particular intensions for Quelin’s arc, but I just feel like there needed to be something a little more that actually pushed Rina into running for it, or to at least take a little time to see the ship as a unique window to escape she never had before, instead of kinda just going for it. If not though, I think it works as is.
As for Dune, he seems really fun! However I’m having a hard time imagining how the Felisaro as a whole could develop technologically with nothing but there mouths to manipulate objects. You’ve mentioned not having thumbs earlier, so you recognize the value there is in thumbs as well as fingers for manipulating an object in complex ways. This can’t really be done with an up and down jaw, regardless of grip strength. So for this to work, the Felisaro’s jaws need to be incredibly developed with a wide range of odd angle movements, and some form of appendages would be preferable, like could the teeth somehow act as fingers, as well as the tongue, or even multiple tongues? As well as a long neck to gain leverage. That would be creepy, but it would make sense, though even that feels a little impractical, as it’s essentially only one hand, which could work, but still doesn’t have the same range of possibility two hands would. Or, the Felisaro are actually flerkens… hehe. What should also be considered is what the tools would look like if made by a race that uses their mouths. Rina recognized a form of a “wrench” as well as “guns”. You did say that Rina didn’t think she could figure out how to use them, but the fact that she could recognize them at all I still find surprising. What’s going to come out as the optimal shape for a tool for a race that uses their mouths is going to be vastly different to a race that uses some form of hands. Though something like a gun could be recognized though there likely being a barrel, but that’s it. Looking at guns though, consider pushback. Even if pushback was rendered negligible, it likely wouldn’t have always have been like that. First, the gun would have to be built to be held with a basic grip in the mouth, like a frisbee type shape, and a mid trigger, likely for the tongue. But because of pushback aimed towards the skull, there would have to be something like side bracers attached to the shoulders, but that’s going to start getting very front heavy, so you may need to add some sort of counter balance to the back… see where I’m going with this. There’s likely more optimal variations to this, but this is where some of their engineering challenges with things like guns is going to be coming from. You could just say that their skull is especially shock absorbent though, like a woodpecker is evolved for, this would work, but the guns are still not going to look much like how we would recognize them. Excuse my rant. Once again, this all depends on the degree of worldbuilding your wanting to consider for the story, and you may already have it figured out anyways, but I thought I’d point it out.
Also for Dune. His decision to steal another ship also seemed unceremonious. Personally at least, I didn’t really feel much for him, nor did I feel very convinced that he really cared about his ship anyways. I would think that he would be much more reluctant. Maybe it could have been Lorren or Rina’s idea instead. Dune realizes that the ship isn’t going to fly, then Rina knowing that death is the current other option for her protests, saying there has to be something he could do, then Lorren, being the non sympathetic soldier suggests that Dune moves on, then that’s when Rina get’s the crazy idea to steal a ship, and has to convince Dune of the severity and need to do so, to which he reluctantly agrees, or something like that. Once again, this is more personal thoughts, so I can’t speak for a more general audience.
Over all though, what you got going on is really engaging, with lots of intrigue and fun characters. I can’t wait to see more!
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
@thearcaneaxiom Your point about Dune not having thumbs is interesting, considering the fact that Quelin and Rina apparently have them? @kyronthearcanin Is that a major point in the story? Like maybe the other species used to (or currently) look down on the felisaro because they’re supposedly “lesser” or “not as advanced” because they don’t have thumbs.
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
Thanks! The issue with that though is it seems already pretty well established that the Felisaro somehow get around this, and are quite advanced. Unless they did take longer to advance, or maybe even piggy backed of from some of the others, but even that would come with a wide set of difficulties, going back again to tool manipulation for tools that are used by creatures with thumbs. They still could easily be seen as lesser for their differing anatomy, but I don’t think it would be because of their technology, because it is still highly advanced with whatever way they were able to get to that point.
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
@thearcaneaxiom Oh, I meant it as more of prejudice than actual truth. I mean, we’ve seen they don’t like halflings, and we’ve seen the serpenree treat the lupinari with contempt.
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
Right, yeah that would make sense, but don’t the Arcanin also walk on all fours? As their known as the kind you don’t want to recon with, being seen as by far the most powerful of all of them?
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
@thearcaneaxiom Fair point. Although this might have not been a current thing–perhaps it happened in the past, and the arcanin quickly settled it….and that helped the felisaro too, even if it wasn’t intended.
@kyronthearcanin If you don’t want to listen to our suggestions over the course of this discussion, you don’t have to! We’re just brainstorming, I guess.Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
Yeah, that would make for some interesting history! Btw, @kyronthearcanin , do the Arcanin also use their mouths, or do they use some other method, like their magic?
@kyronthearcanin If you don’t want to listen to our suggestions over the course of this discussion, you don’t have to! We’re just brainstorming, I guess.
Yep XD
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
Wow! Thanks for the great advice! (And the more critiquing the better. it really does help)
To answer your question, yes, Quelin is definitely going to be a big part of the story. As for the whole thing about the thumbs, the Felisaro had to be extremely inventive to get past that. They basically started out with building things that would help them build other things. The guns on Dune’s ship, while not familiar to Rina, were stolen. They have weird designs but are not from the Felisaro at all. I basically imagine that, because the Felisaro are built like cats, if they did have guns to use it would be something they could strap onto the top of their backs. Some kind of wire trigger or something could be controlled in their mouths… Anyway, their normal weapons would be the daggers/other usually hand-held weapons (daggers, swords, hammers, etc.) with the grooves used to be held in the mouth.
For your other points, I still definitely have some work to do. The Arcanin, though, generally keep to themselves and don’t solve the problems of the other races- some out of fear, others out of ignorance, etc.
For your question about the Arcanin, they usually do use their mouths (and paws when they can) and have stayed mostly out of the tech advancements of other races. Those that have the right kind of magic will use it, however. For example (tiny spoiler alert!) there is an Arcanin later in the book who can move objects with her mind.
Brainstorm away! 🤣
And feel free to ask any other questions you want. 🙂
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.
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