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Yeah, I think I just threw the hot sauce part in there, because they are really afraid of their foster parents, especially Iris, And I don’t think they would actually do it. But I’m struggling with just how violent and abusive the parents are. They’re enough for the siblings to be afraid of them, but I don’t feel very comfortable writing overly violent scenes. Like, I’ll probably write some more minor abuse scenes, (Don’t worry, I’ll warn you.) and then just leave the rest, the reader can guess. I know you said you don’t like writing those kinds of scenes either.
I gotta say, it doesn’t take much to feel scared when you are there age. I mean, parents are all you have, and although siblings help, they don’t have all the answers. Even harsh tone of voice, or really I think uncertainty of what the person will do next is enough to feel scared. If you want to make it worse than that, you can, but if fear is all you are wanting to portray, you shouldn’t need to make it much worse, unless you want too.
Generally, yeah I don’t like writing those kinds of scenes. But I’ve kinda realized lately it’s because I have no experience with physical abuse, and I haven’t known anyone closely who has either. Some of it is just too much for me, but I don’t like writing hard topics without experience. I’m not saying it’s wrong, I just wright better from personal experience and it comes from the heart a bit more.
I wright better when I wright slowly too!
Thanks for sharing! 😁
へびは かっこいい です！
Don’t worry about it! 😁 Different opinions are fine XD Better to be honest about how you feel!
Yeah, that’s true. Thanks for understanding!
This is all dependent on you and what you want your book to be. Everyone’s going to have differing opinions, and it also comes down the tone of the book 😊
Agreed. Sometimes we writers forget that. 😂
Thank you!! Oh, man! Yeah, this is the first I’ve written any other than in the Character Castle, since like April 😬😶. So I guess I have some writing inspiration that’s been bundled up inside me for these last 8 months! I’ve got plenty. Here, take some 😊😂✋🏻!
Oh thanks!!! 😀
He must increase, but I must decrease.
@mineralizedwritings @lightoverdarkness6
I write best when I’m tired and writing fast. Don’t ask me why. It’s weird, but *shrug* it works. 😀
He must increase, but I must decrease.
Great job! I love your characters!!
Ah, yes, put the whole bottle of hot sauce in.
That reminds me of (sorry, @arien) when my sister put a whole can of chipotle peppers into soup instead of one single pepper . . . I ate it anyway. My dad actually enjoyed it . . . lol
But as to critiques?
I personally feel Asher and Iris are too happy for what they’re going through (unless you want to show that they’re at peace for some reason–I take it they are Christians?). Especially with Asher’s bruise. He’s just like, “Oh, I got this bruise, but I’m fine and I had a really good day.” Maybe he’d at least be a little more serious when he’s showing it to Iris? I think a bruise like that would really hurt.
But other than that, great job!! And congrats on 1000 words!! 😊
Dark is the Shadow, and yet my heart rejoices.
Lol! I wright better tired too, but I write slowly.
I think when I’m tired my brain blocks everything else out and just focuses on writing.
He must increase, but I must decrease.
One thing about writing style: sometimes using more descriptive words for “said” can be distracting and sound contrived.
Yeah, I use said too much. I’ve actually started having my grandma’s I-Pad next to me while I write, and the I-Pad has a list of words to use other than “Said.”
I know, it can be hard not to use “said” all the time, but honestly, it’s a word our eyes scan over a lot, and we don’t even notice it’s there a lot of the time. At least for me, when I see a different word, I kind of get jerked out of the dialogue. Action tags are a good way to avoid unnecessary words, not use “said,” and add body language or actions.
Oh, yeah. Good idea!!
Or something like that. It’s just a suggestion! And I like Asher and Iris’s relationship! Though perhaps you could add Iris’s age at some point, since I wasn’t sure if she was older or younger or what. (I guessed she was older, but I didn’t know by how much.) Overall, great job! 😊
Thank you! Thank you for the suggestions!! I went and changed some of it, but I haven’t finished yet. And, yeah, I changed it so you know that Iris is 16, and Asher is 13. Also, were you sure of their genders? My uncle read it yesterday, and he goes, “I like that. Asher and Iris are both girls, right?” 🤣 I was like “umm no.” I was pretty sure Asher is just a boy name, but I could be wrong 🤣.
I gotta say, it doesn’t take much to feel scared when you are there age. I mean, parents are all you have, and although siblings help, they don’t have all the answers. Even harsh tone of voice, or really I think uncertainty of what the person will do next is enough to feel scared. If you want to make it worse than that, you can, but if fear is all you are wanting to portray, you shouldn’t need to make it much worse, unless you want too.
Yeah. Okay, good suggestion!! Thank you!
Generally, yeah I don’t like writing those kinds of scenes. But I’ve kinda realized lately it’s because I have no experience with physical abuse, and I haven’t known anyone closely who has either. Some of it is just too much for me, but I don’t like writing hard topics without experience. I’m not saying it’s wrong, I just wright better from personal experience and it comes from the heart a bit more.
Yes, that’s a good point. 😊
I wright better when I wright slowly too!
Cool!!
Thanks for sharing! 😁
You’re welcome!! Thank you so much for reading!!
Oh thanks!!! 😀
You’re welcome!! 😊😉Good luck!
I write best when I’m tired and writing fast. Don’t ask me why. It’s weird, but *shrug* it works. 😀
Haha, yeah, everyone has their methods. Yeah, whatever works!! 😊
Great job! I love your characters!!
Thank you so much!!
Ah, yes, put the whole bottle of hot sauce in.
Haha, yep.
That reminds me of (sorry, @arien) when my sister put a whole can of chipotle peppers into soup instead of one single pepper . . . I ate it anyway. My dad actually enjoyed it . . . lol
Lolol, y’all just love sharing embarrassing stories about each other, don’t you? XD
But as to critiques?
I personally feel Asher and Iris are too happy for what they’re going through (unless you want to show that they’re at peace for some reason–I take it they are Christians?). Especially with Asher’s bruise. He’s just like, “Oh, I got this bruise, but I’m fine and I had a really good day.” Maybe he’d at least be a little more serious when he’s showing it to Iris? I think a bruise like that would really hurt.
Haha, yeah, I need to work on that. Yes, they are Christians. Yes, I’ll fix that. Thanks for the suggestion!!
But other than that, great job!! And congrats on 1000 words!! 😊
Thank you so much!! 😊 Thank you for reading!!
#HugRikerSquad
Also, were you sure of their genders? My uncle read it yesterday, and he goes, “I like that. Asher and Iris are both girls, right?” 🤣 I was like “umm no.” I was pretty sure Asher is just a boy name, but I could be wrong 🤣.
Wait, are you sure he wasn’t teasing you? 🤣 It was pretty obvious to me!
He must increase, but I must decrease.
Took me a while to reply, but now I am! 😁
First of all, I could really feel the sibling dynamic! Great job on that! Sibling dynamics are my favorite!! I could also feel the tone: Sure, they were in a bad situation, but it didn’t get them down all the way, bc they had each other.
I’m already really liking your characters!!!
And for a nit-picky critique…
Iris’s cheerful demeanor crumbled. “Why is our life so hard?” She lamented. “Why is God letting this happen?”
So I feel that this is kind of all of a sudden. Obviously, Iris’s reaction fully depends on her personality, so maybe this is what you wanted it to be. In my personal opinion, I’d have her maybe go silent, but again, that may not be Iris’s personality. But the Asher comforting her after she says this is really sweet! 😊
I thought I had more I was going to say, but now I can’t remember. 😅
Overall, I enjoyed reading it and would be willing to read more!!
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
Wait, are you sure he wasn’t teasing you? 🤣 It was pretty obvious to me!
Oh, no, I know when he’s teasing, and he wasn’t teasing 🤣. I guess he just isn’t in the know of the newest boy names. But yeah, that was a funny moment. Okay, good!! 😂
Took me a while to reply, but now I am! 😁
Yay! Thank you for taking the time to respond 😊!
First of all, I could really feel the sibling dynamic! Great job on that! Sibling dynamics are my favorite!! I could also feel the tone: Sure, they were in a bad situation, but it didn’t get them down all the way, bc they had each other.
Thank you!! Yes, I love writing siblings.
I’m already really liking your characters!!!
Thank you!!
And for a nit-picky critique…
“Iris’s cheerful demeanor crumbled. “Why is our life so hard?” She lamented. “Why is God letting this happen?”
So I feel that this is kind of all of a sudden. Obviously, Iris’s reaction fully depends on her personality, so maybe this is what you wanted it to be. In my personal opinion, I’d have her maybe go silent, but again, that may not be Iris’s personality. But the Asher comforting her after she says this is really sweet! 😊
Yeah, that’s a good point. I think I’ll change it to her sighing and kinda getting down and then Asher comforts her. Thank you!
I thought I had more I was going to say, but now I can’t remember. 😅
Haha, that’s okay!
Overall, I enjoyed reading it and would be willing to read more!!
Thank you!! I’m gonna go read the 6 chapters of your book that I haven’t gotten around to reading yet.
#HugRikerSquad
@lightoverdarkness6 @starofthenorth
That reminds me of (sorry, @arien) when my sister put a whole can of chipotle peppers into soup instead of one single pepper . . . I ate it anyway. My dad actually enjoyed it . . . lol
LOL yes, that was a sad day. Actually I wasn’t supposed to put even ONE chipotle pepper in there . . . it was supposed to be one can of seedless mild green chiles, and I used a can of definitely NOT mild and also very seed-ful green jalapenos. As I said, sad day.
Lolol, y’all just love sharing embarrassing stories about each other, don’t you? XD
That’s what sisters are for! XD
Oh, and Light (can I call you that?) I knew Asher was a boy LOL
Maybe Iris could call him “little bro” or something like that, to explain their ages and just make sure Asher’s a boy? Also maybe Asher’s reaction to Iris hugging him might be a little more “I love you, but ew,” since he is a junior high boy and maybe doesn’t like his sister kissing him? It is sweet though how she’s going to go get back at the guy who punched him 😍 I love your characters already and want to read more!
Be brave. Be strong. Be bold.
-Christopher BlakewellCongratulations on writing 1000 words! 🎉
Interesting story, though I will admit that I don’t read many books with abusive situations in them though (Unless you qualify knights/cowboys/spacemen attempting to kill/steal each other’s loot as abusive 😋).
As a tactical guy though, there is something I would like to point out. Bruising doesn’t turn black and blue until a day or two after the event. The bruise is actually reddish at first. 😉
You will love what you spend time with.
Hello! I don’t think I’ve officially met you yet. Nice to meet you, Power (or Black Mongoose 😉 !
Congratulations on writing 1000 words! 🎉
Thank you!!
Interesting story, though I will admit that I don’t read many books with abusive situations in them though (Unless you qualify knights/cowboys/spacemen attempting to kill/steal each other’s loot as abusive 😋).
Thanks!! Haha, I’m not sure if I would count that or not. Sounds interesting though! 😀 I think the foster parents mostly verbal abuse the kids, not as much physical.
As a tactical guy though, there is something I would like to point out. Bruising doesn’t turn black and blue until a day or two after the event. The bruise is actually reddish at first. 😉
*face palms* Oh, thank you for pointing that out!! 😅
#HugRikerSquad
LOL yes, that was a sad day. Actually I wasn’t supposed to put even ONE chipotle pepper in there . . . it was supposed to be one can of seedless mild green chiles, and I used a can of definitely NOT mild and also very seed-ful green jalapenos. As I said, sad day.
Lol!! Was the soup good? (If it wasn’t too spicy) 😀
That’s what sisters are for! XD
Haha, I guess that’s what brothers are for too, bc my little brother is always saying and doing things like that XD!
Oh, and Light (can I call you that?) I knew Asher was a boy LOL
Yeah, you can! Light is my KP nickname! Oh, good! I was a little worried XD.
Maybe Iris could call him “little bro” or something like that, to explain their ages and just make sure Asher’s a boy? Also maybe Asher’s reaction to Iris hugging him might be a little more “I love you, but ew,” since he is a junior high boy and maybe doesn’t like his sister kissing him? It is sweet though how she’s going to go get back at the guy who punched him 😍 I love your characters already and want to read more!
Yeah, that’s a good idea. I’ll get Iris to call him her brother in some way. And each chapter changes between povs of Iris and Asher, so you’ll know that Asher is a boy in the next chapter. 😉
Oh yeah, I might do that, but Asher’s more of the cuddly type at home, but won’t let Iris do anything when he’s out in public. So yeah. But I might change that.
Aww, thank you!! I’m revising the chapter based on everyone’s feedback, and I’ll post it on here when I’m finished!! 😉
#HugRikerSquad
@freedomwriter76 @godlyfantasy12 @arien @felicity @mineralizedwritings @esther-c @loopylin @starofthenorth @princesachronicle22 @any-one-else-who-cares-XD
Okay!! Sorry this took so long. I revised the chapter, and added a little more. Freedom and Princesa, I don’t think y’all were on when I posted the before version. If you want to see the original, it’s in the first page of this forum. I hope you all like it, and hopefully, it will be better than the original 🙂 XD.
Chapter One
AsherI hopped out of the school bus, hissing softly in pain and bringing one hand to my side as my feet hit the pavement, jolting me. I turned, pasted on a smile, and waved to my bus driver, Mrs Brooker, who had an expression of sympathy and worry. Then I turned and ascended the steps in front of the house, opened the freshly painted, wooden door, and slammed it shut, stepping into the hallway, and shouldering off my backpack.
“Asher?” I heard the familiar feminine voice call softly from the kitchen. “Is that you?”
“Yeah, Iris!” I shouted.
My sixteen year old sister met me in the hall, as I hung my backpack on the rack, where hers already hung, swaying from me bumping into it. I turned to face her. She pressed her finger against her lips. “Shhh. The parents are taking a nap upstairs. Hattie’s got a headache, and we’re not to disturb her. We don’t want to get Walter angry because you’re being loud,” she said worriedly.
Our ‘parents’ Yeah, right. We only called them that when they were around, because they forced us to. They were our foster parents. They would never, ever, be my real Mom and Dad.
I sighed. “Okay, Ris,” I said, using her nickname I had called her ever since I could remember.
She smiled. “Come on. Do you need help with your homework?” She asked me. “Y-yeah.” I walked into the kitchen, homework in hand. We sat down together at the island in the middle of the kitchen where her finished homework was already lying on the counter.
Before flipping open my math homework, I frowned disgustedly at the front page, which read:8th Grade Math
I found the problem I needed help with. As Iris worked it out on a piece of paper, she asked, “So, how was school?”
“Great!” I faked a smile.
“Come on. You can tell me.”
I sighed, resigned. She was the only one I could talk to about school. And she was my sister. My greatest treasure. “Bobby Roberts called me a bunch of names. I told him it’s not my fault I’m terrible at math!” I said ruefully.
“Oh, I know! You’re not bad at math. You just need a little help sometimes. And that’s what sisters are for.” She took a deep breath, fiery anger smoldering in her eyes. “And?”
“And…they…hit me,” My mind reverted back to the scene, and I fought back tears at the pain and humiliation.
Iris gasped. “What?! Where? Does it hurt?”
Slowly, I pulled up my shirt and revealed several quickly darkening, reddish bruises coloring my stomach. Iris gasped again.
“I-it doesn’t hurt that much, Iris. I’m alright. I promise,” I added hastily, wiping the tears that came involuntarily, not wanting to upset her.
She looked at my bruises again. And pulled me close into an embrace and kissed the top of my head. She pulled back to look into my eyes. “Asher. I want you to know that you are not stupid. You are an intelligent, sweet, handsome boy, and I am proud to call you my brother.”
I smiled up at her through my tears, warmth spreading through my body, and buried my face into her shoulder. “I love you Iris,” I whispered.
She squeezed me a little tighter.
“I love you too.”
Then she asked, “Now, about Bobby. Do you know if he lives near here?”
Oh boy, I thought. Smiled a little.
“I-I think so,” I replied.
She smiled back. “Well then, I am going to have a talk with this Bobby Roberts,” She said his name with disgust, “Sometime soon.”
I nodded, wondering what on earth my sister was planning.
She abruptly changed the subject before I had the chance to ask her.
“Hey, bud, I need to have dinner ready by 5:30.” She glanced at the clock. “It’s 4:23. Can you help me?”
“Sure!” I exclaimed, happy to get my mind on something else.
“Alright! But after dinner, we need to find something to put on those bruises.” Iris’s eyes were sympathetic. “So, what should we make?”
I thought for a moment. “How about that homemade chili that we’ve made before?”
“That’s perfect!”
We got the meat out of the refrigerator, grabbed the chili powder, beans, canned tomatoes, onions, and other ingredients.
For a few moments we didn’t say anything, absorbed in making the soup. Then Iris spoke. “So, other than the…Bobby incident…did you have an okay day?”
“Well,” I thought for a moment. “Well, not really. School is never great.” I looked at her. “But it’s a whole lot better now that I’m home with you.”
She smiled and ruffled my hair playfully.
Suddenly we heard the door creak open above us upstairs, and Iris’s smile faded. Loud footsteps came thudding down the hall, and my heart rate increased and I became on edge.
Then the loud thudding started descending the stairs. “Iris! Asher! You better be making dinner!” A loud, rough, voice shouted.
I swallowed down my nerves, leaned in close to Iris, and whispered sarcastically, “So much for Hattie’s headache!”She laughed softly, then as Walter strode into the kitchen, she stiffened and said, “Yes, Wal–I mean dad, we are.”
He strode over to the stove, nearly shoving me out of the way, and looked into the bubbling soup.
I glared at his back, but turned quickly and pretended to inspect the towel hanging on the oven handle when he spun back around.
He looked at me, then Iris. His rough voice grated on my ears as he asked, “Did you remember to put a little hot sauce in it?”
“N-no sir. We haven’t yet,” Iris said, already walking swiftly to the refrigerator. “Here’s some,” she said, reaching in the door of the fridge and pulling out the sauce.
“Hmph,” Walter said. “You make sure you put everything in it, or I swear, you’ll be making another batch.”
“Yes sir,” Iris replied softly, closing the door, walking over to the stove, and pouring a little into a measuring spoon and into the soup.
“Good,” Walter said gruffly, before grabbing his phone and stomping back up the stairs.
I let out a breath I didn’t realize I had been holding as soon as I heard the bedroom door shut firmly. Iris’s cheerful demeanor crumbled, and she sighed a heartbroken and exhausted sigh. I put my arm around her and I laid my head on her shoulder.* * * * *
“Iris? Can you tell me about our family? I mean, our real family?” I whispered as we laid together on the thin mattress on the bed that we shared. We laid there, talking softly in the dark, peaceful, quiet, of the room that we shared, like we did every night.
“Again?” Iris teased.
“Iris!” I sighed exasperatedly, but I knew that she would tell me, even if I didn’t ask her to.
“All right.” She became serious and began to relate the memories that she had recited to me a thousand times.
“I remember when you were born, and when I held you for the first time. You were so cute, and even at my young age, I knew it. I remember someone–maybe Mom–telling me that we would be best friends. That no matter what happened, we would be best friends.”
I smiled in the dark, envisioning a three year old Iris holding the tiny baby.
Iris continued, telling me about little things, the small, day to day moments that she recalled from her childhood. She ended with one of the most bittersweet memories.
“Before we were…dropped off at the foster care center, something happened that I’ll always remember. Daddy held you, I think, and Mom was holding me. I remember that I was afraid and confused. But then she whispered something to me, and I felt different. Comforted. And I was sure that everything would be alright.”
“But you don’t remember what she told you?” I asked softly.
“Well, n-no. I wish I did…but it’s difficult to remember things from almost 13 years ago.”
We were silent for a few moments.
Finally, I whispered, “Iris?”
“Yes, Asher?”
“Why…why did they abandon us?” I choked on the last word.
Iris snuggled closer to me, stroking my hair as I sobbed.
“Shh. It’s okay. It’s okay,” she soothed softly.
“I… I don’t know. But there must have been a reason. There must’ve been.” She faded off.
Her words echoed in my mind.
There must have been a good reason. There must’ve been!
We went to sleep that way, curled up together in our bed, her hand resting on my head, dreaming peaceful dreams of happy families and loving parents.#HugRikerSquad
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