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Okay, so this is my new WIP with Asher and Iris. I’ve written 1000 words!! Lol, I know that’s not that much, but for me, it is. Please tell me what you think about it. Thank you!!
@freedomwriter76 @godlyfantasy12 @starofthenorth @keilah-h @esther-c @felicity @orielle21 @whalekeeper @theloonyone @loopylin @wilder-w @mineralizedwritings @koshka @elishavet-pidyon @ava-blue @folith-feolin @sarafini @any-one-else
Chapter One
Asher
I hopped up the steps in front of the house, opened the door, and slammed it shut, shouldering off my backpack.
“Asher?” I heard the familiar feminine voice call softly from the kitchen. “Is that you?”
“Yeah, Iris!” I shouted back.
My sister met me in the hall, as I hung my backpack on the rack, where hers was already swaying from me bumping into it. I turned to face her. She pressed her finger against her lips. “Shhh. The parents are taking a nap upstairs. Hattie’s got a headache, and we’re not to disturb her. And we don’t want to get Walter angry because you’re being loud,” she said worriedly.
Our ‘parents’ Yeah, right. We only called them that when they were around, because they forced us to. They were our foster parents. They would never, ever be my real Mom and Dad.
I sighed. “Okay, Ris,” I said, using her nickname I had called her ever since I could remember.
She smiled. “Come on. Do you need help with your homework?” She asked me. “Definitely,” I stated, walking into the kitchen, homework in hand. We sat down together at the island in the middle of the kitchen where her finished homework was already lying on the counter.
Before flipping open my math homework, I frowned disgustedly at the front page, which read:
8th Grade Math
I found the problem I needed help with. As Iris worked it out on a piece of paper, she asked, “So, how was school?”
“Great!” I faked a smile.
“Come on. You can tell me.”
I sighed, resigned. She was the only one I could talk to about school. And she was my sister. My greatest treasure. “Bobby Roberts called me a retard. It’s not my fault I’m terrible at math!” I said ruefully.
“Oh, I know! You are most definitely not a retard.” She took a deep breath, the fiery anger burning in her eyes. “And?”
“And…they…hit me,” I told her, my mind reverting back to the scene, fighting back tears at the pain.
Iris gasped. “What?! Where? Does it hurt?”
Slowly, I pulled up my shirt and revealed the several dark blue and purple bruises coloring my stomach. Iris gasped again.
“I-it doesn’t hurt that much, Iris. I’m alright. I promise,” I added hastily, wiping the tears that came involuntarily, not wanting to upset her.
She looked at my bruises again. Then she pulled my head into her chest and kissed the top of my head. Then she pulled back to look into my face. “Bobby Roberts…does he live near here?” She asked.
Oh boy, I thought. Smiled a little.
“I-I think so,” I replied.
She smiled. “Well then, I am going to have a talk with this Bobby Roberts,” She said his name with disgust, “Sometime soon.”
I nodded, wondering what on earth my sister was planning.
She abruptly changed the subject before I had the chance to ask her.
“Hey, bud, I need to have dinner ready by 5:30.” She glanced at the clock. “It’s 4:23. Can you help me?”
“Sure!” I exclaimed, happy to get my mind on something else.
“Alright! But after dinner, we need to find something to put on those bruises,” she remarked. “So, what should we make?”
I thought for a moment. “How about that homemade chili that we’ve made before?”
“That’s perfect!”
We ran around, laying out meat to thaw, grabbing the chili powder, kidney beans, onions, and the other ingredients.
For a few moments we didn’t say anything, absorbed in making dinner. Then Iris spoke. “So, other than the…Bobby incident…did you have an okay day?”
“Well,” I thought for a moment. “Yeah, it was pretty good.” I looked at her. “But it’s a whole lot better now.”
She smiled and ruffled my hair.
Then I heard the door creak open above us upstairs, and her smile faded. Loud footsteps came thudding down the hall, then started descending the stairs. “Iris! Asher! You better be making dinner!” He shouted.
My heart rate increased, but I leaned in close to Iris and whispered sarcastically, “So much for Hattie’s headache,”
Iris laughed softly, then as Walter walked into the kitchen stiffened and said, “Yes, Wal–I mean dad, we are.”
He walked over to the stove, nearly shoving me out of the way, and looked into the bubbling soup.
I glared at his back, then turned and pretended to inspect the towel hanging on the oven handle when he spun back around.
He looked at me, then Iris. His rough voice grated on my ears as he asked, “Did you remember to put a little hot sauce in it?”
“N-no sir. We haven’t yet,” Iris said, walking swiftly to the refrigerator. “Here’s some,” she said,reaching in the door of the fridge and pulling out the sauce.
“Hmph,” Walter said. “You make sure you put everything in it, or I swear, you’ll be making another batch.”
“Yes sir,” Iris replied softly, closing the door, walking over to the stove, and pouring a little into a measuring cup and into the soup.
“Good,” Walter said gruffly, before grabbing his phone and stomping back up the stairs.
I breathed a sigh of relief as soon as I heard the bedroom door shut firmly. Iris’s cheerful demeanor crumbled. “Why is our life so hard?” She lamented. “Why is God letting this happen?”
I reached around and hugged her tight. “I don’t know, Ris. At least we have each other.”
She sniffled and then smiled. “I don’t know what I’d do without you Ash,” She blew her nose. Then I helped her put in a tiny bit of extra hot sauce in the chili, for good measure.
Then I jolted, a crazy, daring idea entering my mind.
I whispered it to Iris. She smiled slowly, thinking of the results. “We’ve got to be careful, though,” she said slowly.
I smiled. This would be fun.
* * * * *
That night, after me and Iris ate our chili, and were waiting for Walter and Hattie, Iris leaned over and asked me, “Do you think it will work?”
“I think so,” I said doubtfully. This seemed a whole lot more stupid once we were about to do it.
“Do you see them coming?” I asked Iris.
She peeked up the stairs and shook her head.
“Okay, well, here goes!” I went to the fridge and grabbed the hot sauce. Then I dashed to the dining area. Iris looked at me with an expression of half fear, half amusement. I flipped the top open, turned it upside down, and poured hot sauce into Walter’s chili, saying, “Well, Walter, you wanted hot sauce…here’s your hot sauce!”
Then I moved over to Hattie’s, pouring a little less than Walter’s since she had been more like a decent human being today.
“Well, let’s eat quickly and get up to our room before they get down here and eat it,” I exclaimed.
From up in our rooms we could hear the sound of Walter’s anguished cry.
Me and Iris went to sleep that night, curled up together in her bed, dreaming peaceful dreams of happy families and loving parents.
#HugRikerSquad
@lightoverdarkness6 aww poor kids! I like it! Luv Asher obviously 😂 their sibling relationship is so sweet!
#IfMarcelDiesIRiot
#ProtectMarcel
#ProtectSebaww poor kids! I like it!
I know!! We put our charries through so much 😭😅. Thank you!
Luv Asher obviously 😂 their sibling relationship is so sweet!
Haha, yeah, I knew you would!! Aww, thank you!! Yeah, I love writing sibling dynamics❤️😊.
Thank you so much for reading ❤️😊!! Do you have any suggestions for the writings style, dialogue, characters, etc.?
#HugRikerSquad
@lightoverdarkness6 oooof…I usually don’t give critiques much just cuz I don’t really care too except for when they ask for like a CERTAIN thing, or if I just see something story wise if that makes sense XD….
#IfMarcelDiesIRiot
#ProtectMarcel
#ProtectSebI just don’t really like critiquing ppl unless they ask for a certain thing and then Ik what to critique, or if I see a certain story element that doesn’t make sense
#IfMarcelDiesIRiot
#ProtectMarcel
#ProtectSebOverall I really liked it! Thanks for sharing it with us!
About the general dynamic, I don’t know what you have planned for the future, I thought the ending scene with the hot sauce didn’t make a lot of sense. It’s only for revenge, and I think pretty much all abused kids (whether emotional or physical) would not react that way. I don’t have any extreme personal experience with this, but I’ve been around people who are borderline emotionally abusive, and In my case, you basically do whatever to please them. Its like mind reading, what will this person want and how can I do it before they get upset I didn’t do it. Unless you had another reason (distraction for an escape) I think the fear of the person would be too great to do something like that.
Some of the following things can come down to writing style, so take it with a grain of salt.
I would try to avoid the word “then” at all costs. Like, I simply wouldn’t use it. The order of sentences is enough to convey the order to the reader, and imo transition words can pull somebody out of a story.
With dialogue, I like to put the descriptor afterwords most of the time. And, it helps to start a new paragraph with each dialogue.
Here’s a example, you don’t have to do this, it’s just how I like to do dialogue.
original:
She sniffled and then smiled. “I don’t know what I’d do without you Ash,” She blew her nose. Then I helped her put in a tiny bit of extra hot sauce in the chili, for good measure.
Then I jolted, a crazy, daring idea entering my mind.
I whispered it to Iris. She smiled slowly, thinking of the results. “We’ve got to be careful, though,” she said slowly.
I smiled. This would be fun.
example:
Iris smiled through a sniffle.
“I don’t know what I’d do without you Ash.” She said, blowing her nose.
I helped her put a tiny bit of extra hot sauce in the chili, for good measure. I jolted, a crazy, daring idea entering my mind.
Whispering it to Iris, I watched as she smiled slowly, thinking of the results.
(I did that one differently ^ because you started a lot of sentences with “I” and using a different word breaks up the monotony a bit.)
“We’ve got to be careful, though,” she said slowly.
I smiled. This would be fun.
Just a suggestion, obviously some of that is just that I wright in a different style than you, and that’s ok! Tell me if I go overboard with critiques, I just love talking about writing!
Then she pulled my head into her chest and kissed the top of my head.
I would word that a bit differently. (Pulled me close into a embrace and kissed the top of my head?)
The girl is older than 8th grade right?
I personally would choose another name for the bully, but whatever you think. I think it’s good to choose really good names for bad guys, because often times irl bad guys have nice names. If you like Bobby, that’s ok! It just didn’t flow with the names Asher and Iris.
Sorry that was soo much! Sometimes I feel bad about long responses to stuff like this, because in the end, write it how you feel best! Everyone’s writing is different, and it would be boring if it were all the same.
Anyways, I would totally read more of it! I like it, and I like the characters. I’d love to learn more about them and their background. I love the names Asher and Iris! So pretty! 😀
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
Congrats on 1000 words! Every bit counts! Right now it’s been taking me about two weeks to write that much… 🙁
Yeah, good idea Asher! Pour the whole bottle of hot sauce in!!
Bobby Roberts is a perfect name for a bully. I like villains who have names like Bill Williams, Jimmy James, Tom Thomson, etc. Their first names are the shortened form of their last name. I don’t know why, but they just stick in my head better!
He must increase, but I must decrease.
@mineralizedwritings @lightoverdarkness6
I just read what Mineralized said, and *chuckles nervously*, what I said totally contradicted it. I hadn’t even read her post yet, and wasn’t purposely trying to disagree.
However…
I appreciated the hot sauce part, because it makes me as the reader feel good that they paid Walter back. But I haven’t had any experience with what abused children would really feel/do. So there’s that.
And about the bully’s name…yes it doesn’t flow with the names Asher and Iris, but in my mind that sets him apart. For instance I think, “Maybe he comes from a home where his parents don’t really care about him, and they just named him Robert Roberts because they couldn’t think of anything special and everybody calls him Bobby.”
I don’t know, that’s just me. The book (called Brady) that my brothers and I read has a villain named Bill Williams in it and we still talk about him even though it’s been years since I read it.
He must increase, but I must decrease.
Don’t worry about it! 😁 Different opinions are fine XD
Better to be honest about how you feel!
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
@felicity @mineralizedwritings @lightoverdarkness6
ahh now I can give advice!!!
so for the chili/hot sauce scenes and the difference of opinion between ppls, no view is wrong!
This actually is dependent on Light and the tone of her book!
So, before you go and change anything Light, you first just need to ask what the tone of your book is.
Is it light, happy, a bit darker, sad, melancholy, hard-hitting, funny, fluffy, romantic, etc? That will kinda help decide what to do and whose opinion/advice to heed (because both are correct!)
If you’re wanting a more light, fluffy, cute or funny book then totally go with Felicity keep the hot sauce scene! But, if you’re looking for more of a bit more action or adventure, (not that a happy story can’t have that! But I’m just meaning maybe harder hitting or something) or you want the abuse more evident, then Mineral is correct.
This is all dependent on you and what you want your book to be. Everyone’s going to have differing opinions, and it also comes down the tone of the book 😊
#IfMarcelDiesIRiot
#ProtectMarcel
#ProtectSebCongrats on writing 1000 words! I liked it, and the hot sauce part is funny. I think it fits if you’re going for a comedy or kid’s story. Also, the name Iris is really pretty!
🎵It takes a long time to wait 🌻
oooof…I usually don’t give critiques much just cuz I don’t really care too except for when they ask for like a CERTAIN thing, or if I just see something story wise if that makes sense XD….
I just don’t really like critiquing ppl unless they ask for a certain thing and then Ik what to critique, or if I see a certain story element that doesn’t make sense
Okay! Oh, yeah, I get that. No worries 😊! I’m not really great at critiquing other people’s writing bc I don’t want to sound too harsh or hurt someone’s feelings.
Overall I really liked it! Thanks for sharing it with us!
You’re welcome!! Thank you for critiquing it! These are some really good tips 😊.
About the general dynamic, I don’t know what you have planned for the future, I thought the ending scene with the hot sauce didn’t make a lot of sense. It’s only for revenge, and I think pretty much all abused kids (whether emotional or physical) would not react that way.
Yeah, I think I just threw the hot sauce part in there, because they are really afraid of their foster parents, especially Iris, And I don’t think they would actually do it. But I’m struggling with just how violent and abusive the parents are. They’re enough for the siblings to be afraid of them, but I don’t feel very comfortable writing overly violent scenes. Like, I’ll probably write some more minor abuse scenes, (Don’t worry, I’ll warn you.) and then just leave the rest, the reader can guess. I know you said you don’t like writing those kinds of scenes either.
I don’t have any extreme personal experience with this, but I’ve been around people who are borderline emotionally abusive, and In my case, you basically do whatever to please them. Its like mind reading, what will this person want and how can I do it before they get upset I didn’t do it. Unless you had another reason (distraction for an escape) I think the fear of the person would be too great to do something like that.
Yeah, you’re right. I was experimenting with that hot sauce part, and I think I wrote like three other scenes without the hot sauce. And I noticed that the faster I write, the worse the quality of my writing is. The first part of the chapter I wrote a lot slower, but the other half was a lot faster.
Some of the following things can come down to writing style, so take it with a grain of salt.
Okay!
I would try to avoid the word “then” at all costs. Like, I simply wouldn’t use it. The order of sentences is enough to convey the order to the reader, and imo transition words can pull somebody out of a story.
Yeah, “Then” kinda pulls you out of the story. It breaks up the flow.
With dialogue, I like to put the descriptor afterwords most of the time. And, it helps to start a new paragraph with each dialogue.
Okay! Thank you!
Oh, thank you for comparing the scenes!! Yeah, I liked yours better. Ooh, good tips! Thank you!
I would word that a bit differently. (Pulled me close into a embrace and kissed the top of my head?)
Oh, yeah. Good idea 😅😊!
The girl is older than 8th grade right?
Yes. Iris is in 11th grade. She’s 16. Asher’s 13 and in 8th grade.
I personally would choose another name for the bully, but whatever you think. I think it’s good to choose really good names for bad guys, because often times irl bad guys have nice names. If you like Bobby, that’s ok! It just didn’t flow with the names Asher and Iris.
Okay! Yeah, Bobby isn’t really much of a character in my book right now, but he may be later. So when I was writing, that name just popped into my head 😅. Yeah, I may change his name, thank you!
Sorry that was soo much! Sometimes I feel bad about long responses to stuff like this, because in the end, write it how you feel best! Everyone’s writing is different, and it would be boring if it were all the same.
You’re fine!! No! it helped a lot! Haha, yeah.
Anyways, I would totally read more of it! I like it, and I like the characters. I’d love to learn more about them and their background. I love the names Asher and Iris! So pretty! 😀
Oh, good! Thank you!! 😊😊
#HugRikerSquad
Congrats on 1000 words! Every bit counts! Right now it’s been taking me about two weeks to write that much… 🙁
Thank you!! Oh, man! Yeah, this is the first I’ve written any other than in the Character Castle, since like April 😬😶. So I guess I have some writing inspiration that’s been bundled up inside me for these last 8 months! I’ve got plenty. Here, take some 😊😂✋🏻!
Yeah, good idea Asher! Pour the whole bottle of hot sauce in!!
Haha, yeah, my little brother loved that part 😂!
Bobby Roberts is a perfect name for a bully. I like villains who have names like Bill Williams, Jimmy James, Tom Thomson, etc. Their first names are the shortened form of their last name. I don’t know why, but they just stick in my head better!
Yeah! It kinda rolls off your tongue. Bobby Roberts. He may not be just a bully though…
I just read what Mineralized said, and *chuckles nervously*, what I said totally contradicted it. I hadn’t even read her post yet, and wasn’t purposely trying to disagree.
Lol! Yeah, she knew that you didn’t mean to! And i did too 😊😂. It’s good to have different opinions 😊!
However…
I appreciated the hot sauce part, because it makes me as the reader feel good that they paid Walter back. But I haven’t had any experience with what abused children would really feel/do. So there’s that.
Yeah, I was conflicted by that part. And Asher’s personality isn’t quite like that. They are pretty afraid of Walter and Hattie, so I don’t think they would really do that.
And about the bully’s name…yes it doesn’t flow with the names Asher and Iris, but in my mind that sets him apart. For instance I think, “Maybe he comes from a home where his parents don’t really care about him, and they just named him Robert Roberts because they couldn’t think of anything special and everybody calls him Bobby.
Okay! Yeah. That’s a good point 😄!
I don’t know, that’s just me. The book (called Brady) that my brothers and I read has a villain named Bill Williams in it and we still talk about him even though it’s been years since I read it.
Lol, yeah, characters with unique or funny names stick with you.
#HugRikerSquad
ahh now I can give advice!!!
Yay 😊😂!!
so for the chili/hot sauce scenes and the difference of opinion between ppls, no view is wrong!
This actually is dependent on Light and the tone of her book!
Oh, okay!
So, before you go and change anything Light, you first just need to ask what the tone of your book is.
Is it light, happy, a bit darker, sad, melancholy, hard-hitting, funny, fluffy, romantic, etc? That will kinda help decide what to do and whose opinion/advice to heed (because both are correct!)
Well, the first part of the book is a mixture of happy and light tone. The second half is a bit darker though.
If you’re wanting a more light, fluffy, cute or funny book then totally go with Felicity keep the hot sauce scene! But, if you’re looking for more of a bit more action or adventure, (not that a happy story can’t have that! But I’m just meaning maybe harder hitting or something) or you want the abuse more evident, then Mineral is correct.
Okay! That’s a really good tip. 😄
This is all dependent on you and what you want your book to be. Everyone’s going to have differing opinions, and it also comes down the tone of the book 😊
Okay!! Thank you so much for the tips/critiques!! 😊
Congrats on writing 1000 words! I liked it, and the hot sauce part is funny. I think it fits if you’re going for a comedy or kid’s story. Also, the name Iris is really pretty!
Thank you!! Yeah, I was excited when I checked how many words I had written. Yes, The only thing is it’s more middle level/YA fiction. Aww, thank you!! yes, it is. It seems to fit her perfectly.
@everyone
Thank you all so much for the tips/critiques/advice!! I’m gonna go writer the chapter a little differently, and then maybe post it, and see if it’s better than the original 😂😊.
#HugRikerSquad
One thing about writing style: sometimes using more descriptive words for “said” can be distracting and sound contrived.
“Definitely,” I stated, walking into the kitchen, homework in hand.
“Sure!” I exclaimed, happy to get my mind on something else.
“Alright! But after dinner, we need to find something to put on those bruises,” she remarked. “So, what should we make?”
I know, it can be hard not to use “said” all the time, but honestly, it’s a word our eyes scan over a lot, and we don’t even notice it’s there a lot of the time. At least for me, when I see a different word, I kind of get jerked out of the dialogue. Action tags are a good way to avoid unnecessary words, not use “said,” and add body language or actions.
For example:
“Definitely.” I walked into the kitchen, homework in hand.
Or, for body language:
“All right. But after dinner, we need to find something to put on those bruises.” Iris’s eyes were sympathetic.
Or something like that. It’s just a suggestion! And I like Asher and Iris’s relationship! Though perhaps you could add Iris’s age at some point, since I wasn’t sure if she was older or younger or what. (I guessed she was older, but I didn’t know by how much.) Overall, great job! 😊
Be brave. Be strong. Be bold.
-Christopher Blakewell
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