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Wow. I really like how you are developing the story. Also, how you gave a little more insight about how Keiryn really is. It was a great read. I feel like I can relate with those who want to explore the upper world (despite it being looked down upon)….I’m at a place in life sort of like that…wanting to experience things and do things differently now that I’m older, if that makes sense.
Elen síla lúmenn' omentielvo
@mineralizedwritings KEIRYNNNNN 😭
HE IS MY FAVORITE!!
also…I do not like his mom right now 😠
WEAK?!?! SERIOUSLY?! HER SON HAS A RIGHT TO CRY!!! UGH! And she should comfort him not just tell him “Oh it’s not ur problem dear”
bruh… *gives Keiryn a biiiig hug*
#IfMarcelDiesIRiot
#ProtectMarcel
#ProtectSebNo! Not the quote at the end! 🤦♀️😭🤣
Y’all weren’t supposed to see that but I just copy pasted the entire thing XD glad you liked the chapter though lol
へびは かっこいい です！
Yes please do!! Kieryn needs that hug!! Not that he would admit it 😭
I’m glad he’s your favorite! And yeah, I don’t like his mom either XD
へびは かっこいい です！
Thanks so much! I’m really glad you are liking it!
I really get that, and it’s been the same for me. I think it’s part of what influences my book a lot, I get tired of the everyday monotony, just like how Tauren gets tired of his job, which used to be fun. Because I don’t do a lot of ‘exploring’ in life, I love getting to write characters who are experiencing that. I’m not going to give toooo much away… but I especially enjoy showing how newness/adventure that feels freeing is also scary. Writing has been that exploring and trying new things for me. Even though I’m not the only one in my family who writes, my story feels really like me. 🙂
へびは かっこいい です！
Haha, I do the same thing. I’ve got a lot of comments saying to change things or saying what is going to happen so I don’t forget. 😂
Don’t worry, it didn’t give anything away… I have no idea what it means, it just sounds cool 😂
Well apparently I can’t tag more than 10 in forum guidelines… uh Idk I’m going to try to tag people I know read it or asked me to tag them? It’s still more than 10 😅 tell me if any of yall want me to stop tagging you!
@godlyfantasy12 @freedomwriter76 @theloonyone @whalekeeper @lightoverdarkness6 @orielle21 @felicity @arien @booksandbeakers @starofthenorth @loopylinI share chapters of my wip here (Afterthoughts” working title) occasionally (perhaps you’ve already read it and I didn’t know XD) if you are interested, I’ll keep tagging you. Critiques are welcome! Id recommend starting at the beginning if you feel like reading, no pressure though!
OKAY YALL
IV’E MADE SOME SERIOUS PROGRESS!! I’M AT 28,616 WORDS!!!
Ok anyways, this is a long chapter because I’ve been writing a lot recently and am kinda soting out the order of events. Hope you guys like it!
Layson tries hard to calm his erratic breathing. He doubles over, resting his hands on his knees, and looks up. The large tunnel gives little light to illuminate his hard work. He leans back and glances at the two trapdoor openings. Reaching over, he touches the last wooden board securing the East bunkers door shut. The rough wood remains fast in place, a couple marks showing Layson’s vain attempt to remove it. Armed with his pickaxe, he stares down the door.
One last time. I’m getting it off.
He glances left and right again before easing his pickaxe underneath the wood. Layson bears down on the pickaxe with all his strength. He opens one eye slightly, but wary of splinters, he quickly closes it.
“Layson!”
Layson turns abruptly, his heart pounding in his chest at the sound of his own name. The voice echoes down the mines and out the trapdoor. Quickly but silently, he eases it shut.
Why?
Are they looking for me?
Layson wipes his sweaty palms against his shirt and stops to listen.
“Layson!”
The voice is farther away now, but many more shouts echo the first.
A search party?
Turning towards the bunker doors, he resumes pushing down on the pickaxe, using his weight to force the nails out of place. The wood creaks as it pulls away from the metal door. Layson smiles, wiping his brow with his forearm.
And what happens if they proclaim me missing?
I suppose it wouldn’t be so bad. Going back it the hard part.
“Where have you been?”
“What were you doing?”
The voices of a regretful return swamp Layson’s mind.
Stay focused. We finish what we’ve started.
It shouldn’t be too bad… right?
Layson grimaces as he applies more pressure. The board shifts, and to Layson’s delight, one side pops off of the wall. He smiles, ripping the rest off by hand.
“Ngrhaaaa!” Layson tosses the board to the side with a gleeful smile. “Aha!” He crosses his arms, surveying his accomplishment.
Oops! I should be quiet.
Layson smiles.
I guess I’m having too much fun.
He walks over a couple feet towards his backpack. Picking it up by the shoulder strap, he rummages through for a note.
Hi! I heard you guys needed help. I removed the boards blocking you guys in, hope that helps. Hope your next shipment of supplies comes soon! God bless.
Layson reads over his prewritten note. He approaches the door to slide it under, then hesitates.
Does that sound right? I don’t want them to think they owe me anything, not that they could find me anyways. It sounds kinda like… downplaying the effort I went through? But I don’t want to come off braggy either.
Meh, don’t stress about it.
Layson slides it under the door. He stands up, brushing dust and grime from his jeans.
Well? I suppose my work here is done then.
He looks up at the ceiling. The dark cavernous tube grows upwards, small flecks of dust floating towards the rusted rail tracks. The smell of metal on metal drifts from the minecarts, and oil slathers large spots on the ground. Layson walks towards the west trapdoor, tiptoeing through the oil puddles to avoid getting it on his boots.
Yeah… wouldn’t want to be tracking that stuff around.
Layson gently pushes the door. It glides open, and he cringes as it creaks. Dropping down inside, Layson closes the door. A cool draft blows across his face as he walks towards a larger mine hall. He stops, listening for movement. Layson closes his eyes briefly, trying to push out the growing concern in his mind.
I really could get caught. And what if? My life would be forever changed.
A gurgle of excitement and fear sends a shiver up his back, and he peaks around a corner. Footsteps sound from the other side, and low voices spit retorts at each other. Seemingly in the midst of an argument, the voices raise.
“What were you saying, he was just acting odd?”
“Yes!” A lower voice replies.
“Well that’s no bases for prosecution as far as I’m concerned.”
“I meant questioning.”
“Sure, but I think it’s our—”
A large man turns the corner, right into Layson. He freezes, panic growing in his mind. The man looks behind him at the other, a satisfied grin on his face.
You can’t run… they know who you are.
What now?
Layson glances left and right, trying to avoid the man’s gaze.
“U-Uh.. excuse-“ Layson tries to pass them.
“Woah there!” The stout older man puts his hand firmly on Laysons shoulder, and the other few behind him block the path.
“No need for questioning now.” He says, turning to the man behind him again. “I think we’ve found our young break out.”
Laysons crosses his arms to hide his shaking hands. He glances beyond the man in front of him, noticing a tall well-dressed man further behind. He seemed kind enough looking, but obviously didn’t fit in here.
“Well, I don’t even know what to say…” The man says, narrowing his eyes at Layson.
Layson fidgets with the small braid running through his side bangs, pulling it through his fingers.
“I know what to say.” One of the men in the back speaks up. “What foolishness. And you’ll pay.”
Layson jerks at the man’s insulative tone but remains silent. He back away slightly, his boots scraping with the grime of the floors.
“Playing the quiet game, eh?” The man in the back says, jeering.
“Hey hey, we get this settled the civil way.” The stout man nods back at the well-dressed man, who returns the nod curtly to Layson.
“You may go home. We will likely have a public vote because this is no small matter.” The tall man speaks with unwavering formality.
“I or somebody else will inform you of the date when necessary.”
Layson nods.
“Clear?” The man looks Layson in the eyes.
“C-clear.” Laysons voice wavers, and he crosses his arms again.
Layson jogs out of the mine hallway, quickly putting distance between himself and the group.
What will they do to me?
And what of my mother?
She’d be so sad if I left.
Layson tries to push back tears, but a few escapes from the corners of his eyes while he runs.
He rushes into the breakroom. Ripping off his hard hat, he tosses it into its cubby, then walks over to the opposite corner of the room, sinking to the floor. Layson rests his head on his knees, running a calloused hand through his hair.
What have I done?
***
“Layson are you going to come eat?!” Mia shouts through the bedroom door. “Your food will get cold!”
“Uh… Not hungry. Thanks though.” Layson looks up towards the old wooden door, still focused on the wave of emotions churning in his stomach.
“You have to eat before you go to bed though.” Mia says, indignant.
“I might try later. Thanks.” Layson paces across the small room, causing the floorboards the squeak. He sits down, leaning against the side of his bed.
“Yeah. Many things going on here still, although it’s much calmer than the war that set it all off.”
Layson looks across the table at Jonathan Ledger.
“Here, have something to eat before you set off again.” Mia says, setting a plate down at the table in front of him.
“Oh! Thank you, Mia. You didn’t have to do that. I have some food with me at all times you know!” He laughs.
“I know, but you don’t have a stove to warm it up!”
They laugh, and Layson smiles.
“What kind of goin-ons you talking about?” He asks, eager.
“Well, I can’t tell you everything. I’ll tell you what though- the bunker we split from, the east, is in danger.” He pauses. “I can’t do anything about it, I’m just some neutral mailman who stays out of trouble.”
“Woah really? What kind of trouble?”
“Well, there’s still old hate simmering, y’know.”
“Still?” Layson and Mia echo each other, leaned forward like children listening to a storyteller.
“Yep. It’s dumb if you ask me. It has nothing to do with fighting for a cause, saving people, or any other reason you may disagree, but just anger and satisfaction for it.”
“I’d think those people should have learned their lesson long ago that progress isn’t made that way.” Mia scoffs.
“Wel,l what happened too them?” Layson asks, eager to hear the ending.
“They got locked up. They won’t get any shipments anymore.”
“What, so the rail workers won’t help them?”
“Nope. They want to remain neutral, like me.” He looks over at Layson. “They’ve been like that for a while now.”
“Who’s going to help them?” Layson says, his voice straining.
“Oh, I don’t know.” He pauses. “I tried to negotiate terms for them to be released, but they didn’t have the money or didn’t want help or something. Who knows.”
“How would you negotiate if they’re locked up?”
“Through notes! You send them under the door.” He pauses. “Sorry I can’t tell you more, I’ve already blabbed enough.”
“Oh, it’s interesting though!” Layson says, with excitement.
Who’s going to help them?
If I were them, I would hope somebody would help me.
***
Lesli scrapes the remaining food of her plate towards the edge.
“Well, happy Friday everyone!” Owen walks out of the kitchen with his face buried in the newspaper while Martha washes dishes behind him.
“Yaaaaaay.” Keiryn doesn’t look up, his eyes fixed on the expertly cleaned plate in front of him. “No more school.”
“Yes!” Owen sits at the table, laying out the paper in front of him. “Learning is good though.”
“Yeah.” Keiryn responds flatly, barely looking up. He pulls a napkin from the stack at the center of the table and starts doodling on it with a pen.
“What’re you drawing?” Lesli slouches halfway down her chair before receiving a head shake from Martha.
“Oh! Nothing.” Keiryn crumples the napkin in his fist.
She might think that’s weird or something.
“Martha! Look what we have here.” Owen leans over the newspaper as Martha rushes over to his side. Keiryn looks up from the table.
“The first public voting in over 40 years will be held next Saturday!”
“What’s that?” Lesli and Keiryn echo each other.
“What is it over?” Martha asks.
“It doesn’t say. Just says to be there.”
“Where?” Keiryn asks, now at full attention.
“One second here.” Owen scans the article.
“Shopping district.”
“Oh! I’ve never been there before. Do I get to go?” Keiryn asks, full of excitement.
“Well, you can’t vote because you’re 15, but sure! You can still come.”
“I can vote?” Lesli asks, setting down her water glass.
“Yeah, sure you can. You’re 18 after all!”
“19 soon.” Martha adds. Lesli sighs.
“Well, last time I went to one I was only 12. But I remember it like it was yesterday.” Martha sits down across form Lesli.
“The voting is just one part of it, and it will likely be pretty boring. It’s a time to get together most of all! They’ve always been held on the shopping district.”
“Really?” Owen asks, intrigued.
Keiryn leans forward, listening intently.
“Yes! It’s a central location that many districts collectively use already. When I went, we had singers performing beforehand too. It’s a cherished childhood memory for me. I felt like the entire world was opened up to me! So many people like I had never seen before, so many new things… I could care less about the voting.”
“Cool!” Lesli says with excitement.
“Do you think Tauren would be there?” Lesli claps her hands together excitedly.
“Most likely, yes!”
Lesli smiles, her eyes wide with anticipation.
“You’ll probably see a lot of old faces.”
Her face falls a little.
My dad.
And all my old co-workers.
I never felt super self-conscious about the switch in my style since moving here…
But that’s because Tauren visited me. Not the other way around.
Lesli looks down, smoothing out her sage dress.
I’m not going to fit in anymore if I dress like this. Funny, I used to never care about how I looked or how other people felt about me.
Lesli looks over towards Keiryn at the other side of the table.
He cares a lot. I wonder how much of that is due to outside pressure.
Lesli takes her plate into the kitchen to wash it, tuning out the background chatter of the three left at the table.
“Lesli!” Marths calls down the hallway.
“Yeah?” 13 year old Lesli yells through the door of her bedroom.
“Tauren came by to see you!”
Lesli glances down at her watch.
It’s 7 in the morning! Why?
She tromps over to the door.
“Hello.”
“Hey-uh-Les- I- uh.” Tauren frantically grasps for words.
“What happened?”
Tauren looks back at her, wide eyed. His brown curly hair is pushed down over his forehead.
“I uh- really don’t know what to do!” His voice cracks in the middle. “I woke up today with like this giant break out on my forehead- and I have to go to school! And everyone’s going-“
“Woah, woah slow down!” Lesli says.
Tauren lifts up the hair covering his forehead.
“Oh! Wow, you weren’t kidding.” Lesli pushes his hair back, revealing a splattering of acne. Tauren cringes.
“Ok well don’t touch them or anything.” She pulls her hand out of his hair. “You’ll be okay.”
“No but- what will the other kids think? I have to go to school today!” Tauren says, his voice still rushed and nervous.
“Here come with me.” Lesli walks back into the house, Tauren close behind her.
She pulls a small bottle off the bathroom counter.
“What’s that?”
“Stuff that might help.” Lesli squeezes a small amount of cream out of the bottle and rubs it between her hands.
“You can have the rest of it if you want, I don’t use it that much and I have another bottle.”
Tauren says nothing, but stares at the floor.
“Can you take off your glasses?”
“Sure.” Tauren sets his glasses on the counter.
“It’s not going to help for like a week. Just a sayin’.” Lesli rubs her hands onto Tauren’s face.
“Thanks.” Tauren stands still, letting Lesli work the cream into his forehead.
“Sure.”
“And don’t worry about what other people think, it happens to everyone.” Lesli lifts Tauren’s bangs to get underneath them.
“Not this bad though.”
“Ok, maybe not this bad.”
“I should have them leave my bangs long next time I get a haircut.” Tauren mumbles under his breath.
“Longer than this? It’s going to cover one of your eyes if you do that!” Lesli hands Tauren his glasses back and rinses off her hands in the sink.
“Maybe. We’ll see.”
Lesli frowns.
“Ok well you go on and get ready for school, I’ve gotta be on my way to work.”
“Yeah.”
“You’ll be fine.” Lesli gives Tauren a quick hug.
“I hope.” Taren says uneasily, hugging her back.
“Oh, here.” Lesli hands him the bottle.
“Thanks.” Tauren takes it and walks out the door, giving her one last smile.
“Bye.”
へびは かっこいい です！
@mineralizedwritings I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO LAYSON!!!!!! AHHHHH
#IfMarcelDiesIRiot
#ProtectMarcel
#ProtectSebI share chapters of my wip here (Afterthoughts” working title) occasionally (perhaps you’ve already read it and I didn’t know XD) if you are interested, I’ll keep tagging you. Critiques are welcome! Id recommend starting at the beginning if you feel like reading, no pressure though!
I have been reading it and enjoying it!
IV’E MADE SOME SERIOUS PROGRESS!! I’M AT 28,616 WORDS!!!
*party noises* *standing ovation* *a literal round of applause/claps in a circle*
Congradulations! =D
AGH LAYSON
YOU GOTTA SURVIVE, BUDDY!
Here are some critiques, if you’re interested. (And just questions of mine)
– You’ve mentioned a couple times (I don’t remember if it was in this draft or not) that Layson is a dad. But in this draft, Layson is living at his mom’s house, and I don’t hear mentions of his daughter. So… is this when he’s a kid? (This isn’t a critque, I just didn’t know where else to place the question.)
I really could get caught. And what if? My life would be forever changed.
– This is just personal preference, but what if he ran through possible scenarios instead of telling us his life would change? This would make me more concerned for him when he gets caught, making me wonder if the scenarios he’s mentioned will happen.
“I or somebody else will inform you of the date when necessary.”
– You could shorten this to “You’ll be informed of the date when necessary.” as long as we see the part when this guy shows up. (Then again, I don’t know if you have that in the dialogue to remind yourself to possibly have that guy show up again. I do that sometimes XD)
“I might try later. Thanks.” Layson paces across the small room, causing the floorboards the squeak. He sits down, leaning against the side of his bed.
“Yeah. Many things going on here still, although it’s much calmer than the war that set it all off.”
– This is kind of an abrupt transition. The last thing we know for sure Layson did was lean on his bed after sitting, and we don’t know what triggered the flashback. I guess you could probably assume the trigger was being caught (or even what he was doing in the first place, I don’t know), but still.
That’s all I have.
Can’t wait to see what comes next! =D
"...I did not say to the seed of Jacob, 'Seek Me in vain..."
(Part of) Isaiah 45:19*party noises* *standing ovation* *a literal round of applause/claps in a circle*
Thank you!! XD
– You’ve mentioned a couple times (I don’t remember if it was in this draft or not) that Layson is a dad. But in this draft, Layson is living at his mom’s house, and I don’t hear mentions of his daughter. So… is this when he’s a kid? (This isn’t a critque, I just didn’t know where else to place the question.)
Yes yes! That’s book 2 stuff, but in roleplays I have him as a later character. He’s 17 rn, and his life…uh…changes a lot in the next while… no spoilers! XD he becomes a very young dad, because Maylee is adopted. A lot happens lol.
I really could get caught. And what if? My life would be forever changed.
– This is just personal preference, but what if he ran through possible scenarios instead of telling us his life would change? This would make me more concerned for him when he gets caught, making me wonder if the scenarios he’s mentioned will happen.
Oh yeah… I’m not sure what to do there, thanks for the advice! It’s supposed to be implied by the other miners talking earlier (taurens eavesdropping) that some think he should be kicked out. He doesn’t even know what would happen, he just knows he might have to leave. Would it be better if I had him worrying about if he got kicked out? I might do that.
“I or somebody else will inform you of the date when necessary.”
– You could shorten this to “You’ll be informed of the date when necessary.” as long as we see the part when this guy shows up. (Then again, I don’t know if you have that in the dialogue to remind yourself to possibly have that guy show up again. I do that sometimes XD)I actually wasn’t going to have that scene again, because the public voting is going to be a main event in the story. A lot of characters will be there and hear the verdict/vote on it. Does it still make since if I do that? You probobly wont see Layson again until the vote, it’s just assumed he was given the date at some point. Does that still work?
“I might try later. Thanks.” Layson paces across the small room, causing the floorboards the squeak. He sits down, leaning against the side of his bed.
“Yeah. Many things going on here still, although it’s much calmer than the war that set it all off.”
– This is kind of an abrupt transition. The last thing we know for sure Layson did was lean on his bed after sitting, and we don’t know what triggered the flashback. I guess you could probably assume the trigger was being caught (or even what he was doing in the first place, I don’t know), but still.Ok, thanks! That was a impromtu flashback XD I was editing and thought I should add some reasoning to how this happened. Maybe it would be better if I include that later next time he see’s Jonathan?
That’s all I have.
Can’t wait to see what comes next! =D
Yay! Thanks for the critiques too!
へびは かっこいい です！
Hey Mineralized!!!!!! I missed reading your story the last couple chapters but I got caught up today. 🙂 I love the way you’re building tension and bringing all the character’s perspectives in. Great job on the word count milestone!
He must increase, but I must decrease.
Thank you!!! I’m super excited for ya’ll to see what’s going to happen! (Not that I have it all figured out yet 😅🤣) and thanks for reading, It means a lot to me that you guys want to spend you time that way!
へびは かっこいい です！
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