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Heyooo
Everybody else said so many things that there’s not much left for me to say XD
First, great job with the intensity of the scene!!! 😀 😀 😀
As far as ideas to make it better, I love to see the build-up of emotion in Christopher’s body language before he snaps at her. I can see at the first little bit that he’s trying to keep his cool, but all the frustration inside of him seems to boil over. So something like deep breaths, talking through his teeth, or tightness to his voice before he snaps at her?
Also, I think it’d really add to the heartbreak of the scene if you included an undercurrent of pain, of the awareness they both have that they’re breaking the relationship they had. Even though they’re angry at each other and trying to put the blame on the other person, there still could be that weak voice of hesitation, of “is this really worth it?”.
But that all depends on what you think works best for the scene and your characters 😉 You’re the writer!!
And I apologize if I merely restated what someone else said; I only skimmed the other replies 😉
~In Christ Alone My Hope Is Found~
Lol, I was so focused on intitail thought I forgot to say how good it was! Also, it makes so much more sense with christopher having anxiety, I can really feel for him more with knowing that. Also I think this is going to turn out really cute 😀
It was really good, and like I’d love to read more. 😁 Love the tension, but like how it has a hint of humor too.
Maybe think of some other thing Briana has done throughout the series. It’s hard for me to make up dialogue not knowing her background.
I think a way to change the exchange between them would be to say something like:
“You act like I’m some a good-for-nothing who (I don’t know why she is here, but maybe insert the reason she ended up here in the first place.)
Who is only good for washing dishes? 🤣 idk!
Christopher spun around. “Because you are!”
Idk a lot of things about this scene because I haven’t read your book so take it with a grain of salt.
So obviously she isn’t useless, is that what she is trying to prove? It feels like she might be out to prove she is useful, because they won’t let her do much. I feel like this would be a good exchange for her to make a real statement of opinion, whether it sounds relevant or not. Perhaps its a really stupid rash statement to spite Christopher, but he realizes she’s right and it challenges his ideology.
Idk just a idea.
Just curious, was it Christopher’s fault? Or she just wants to blame somebody?
へびは かっこいい です！
Aw thanks!!
I love to see the build-up of emotion in Christopher’s body language before he snaps at her.
I agree. I love body language lol. 🙂
Also, I think it’d really add to the heartbreak of the scene if you included an undercurrent of pain, of the awareness they both have that they’re breaking the relationship they had. Even though they’re angry at each other and trying to put the blame on the other person, there still could be that weak voice of hesitation, of “is this really worth it?”.
I think that would be a good edition. You have great advice lol!
Dark is the Shadow, and yet my heart rejoices.
I like your ideas!
I think Briana is trying to prove that she’s not useless. She was brought up in an army fort, and her mother died when Briana was ten. (Briana has no sisters) So she’s always held the strain of being “the girl” in a fort–no doubt doing housekeeping duties and the like. And she doesn’t like that.
So that’s just some of her background 🙂
Dark is the Shadow, and yet my heart rejoices.
@mineralizedwritings @koshka @felicity @madelyn @theloonyone @elishavet-pidyon @godlyfantasy12 @whalekeeper
Here is another scene I wrote. This is after Christopher and Briana have been captured and have escaped. Christopher was fighting off a guard and told Briana to run. They just met again.
“I see you’re angry at me for doing what you told me to.”
“Yes.” Now Christopher wondered what he had ever seen in her.
“Then what did you mean when you told me to run?” Briana stood up, her eyes flashing.
“I didn’t mean for you to go so far, that’s the truth! How in the world did you ever think I would find you?”
“Obviously you did.”
“By chance and complete accident!”
Briana slowly met his eyes, her glare seeming to burn right through him. “Maybe I didn’t want you to find me.”
“What did you think you’d accomplish on your own?”
“At least I wouldn’t be with such a jerk like you!” Briana turned and ran.
Christopher ran after her and managed to catch her wrist. “Briana—”
“Let go of me!” Briana screamed.
Christopher didn’t move. “Briana, we have to stay together. I wish I’d never have to see your face again, but we have to stay together. I’m sorry.”
“I hate you!” Briana pulled away from him, but she didn’t run like he expected her to.
“And what did I do to make you hate me?” Christopher said through clenched teeth. “You, who just a few days ago told me that you had dreamed about me for years?”
“Why did you have to go and fall in love with me?”
“That’s your own stupid fault!” Christopher whirled around and walked quickly away from her. He didn’t care if Briana followed him or stayed frozen there forever.
“How dare you call me stupid!” Briana shouted, running after him.
Christopher didn’t respond. He suddenly felt a pang of guilt. He wasn’t acting like any man should, let alone a king. What would his father think of him now?
He’d give up on me, he thought. And I wouldn’t blame him.
But Christopher couldn’t bring himself to apologize to Briana. There was no way he could do that.
So that’s a little background on their relationship.
Dark is the Shadow, and yet my heart rejoices.
Oooo, I want more of these characters, even if I’m not exactly a romance reader. That does help with the background. =)
First Grand Historian of Arreth and the Lesser Realms (aka Kitty)
Wow! I really feel the tension and conflicting emotion here! Great job!
I’m curious how you make Christopher and Briana finally forgive each other… 🙂
He must increase, but I must decrease.
@mineralizedwritings @koshka @felicity
Thanks!
Oooo, I want more of these characters, even if I’m not exactly a romance reader.
My book’s plot is not the romance exactly! Just a subplot.
I’m curious how you make Christopher and Briana finally forgive each other.
Hehe, I don’t quite know myself 🙂 Still working on that.
Dark is the Shadow, and yet my heart rejoices.
Glad to be of service!! 😉
Oooh, I love that scene!! You’re doing great with the tension between them 😀
~In Christ Alone My Hope Is Found~
I love the background! It seems they don’t get along with each other a lot, so I’m wondering along @felicity’s lines. How are they going to make up? I’m sure you know though 😁😂
I also saw that you said romance is only a subplot. What is the first genre?
Thanks! It’s honestly fun *evil writer laugh*
How are they going to make up? I’m sure you know though 😁😂
Ehh–actually I don’t. Quite. Yet.
I also saw that you said romance is only a subplot. What is the first genre?
Hmm, I don’t know exactly what the genre is. Fantasy, but anything more specific than that I don’t know. But basically the plot is
Lestina is burning, and the royal family’s Ruby is in the possession of an evil Wizard. King Christopher is set on finding the Wizard and destroying him–even though it will cost him his life. Christopher and his companions must disguise themselves and journey into unknown territory to end Lestina’s torment.
Lol, I wrote that just now and it sounds silly 🙂
And a disclaimer: though I do write about “magic,” it is nothing dark and nothing satanic. I believe that kind of “real” magic is evil. What I write is more of a fairy-tale type magic.
Dark is the Shadow, and yet my heart rejoices.
Ehh–actually I don’t. Quite. Yet.
Understandable 😂😂
Hmm, I don’t know exactly what the genre is. Fantasy, but anything more specific than that I don’t know. But basically the plot is
Okay, cool! I love fantasy, probably my favorite genre. And naw, it doesn’t sound silly.
And a disclaimer: though I do write about “magic,” it is nothing dark and nothing satanic. I believe that kind of “real” magic is evil. What I write is more of a fairy-tale type magic.
Yeah, I write the same kind of fantasy magic. It’s sometimes hard to find where the line is with magic, though.
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