- This topic has 27 replies, 9 voices, and was last updated 1 year, 5 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
Hello! I would like some ideas on this scene.
Background: Christopher and Briana used to like each other, but then they got captured and Briana blamed it on Christopher. She is trying to convince herself that she hates him, though she still likes him. Christopher loves her, but he hates her for hating him. (does that make sense lol?) Currently they and five others are on a journey, and are figuring out who will take watches that night. I also should note that Christopher is the king.
So I’m wondering:
1. I’m definitely not trying to make Briana a feminist. Does she come across this way?
2. Does Christopher come across as a chauvinist? Or is it clear that he’s just angry?
3. Any ideas to make it better?
So here goes:
“Why don’t the girls have to take a watch?” Briana asked.
Christopher didn’t turn. “Alexander and Michael and I can take care of it tonight.”
” But why? Just because you’re guys doesn’t mean you can do everything.”
” We’re protecting you.”
“I don’t need protecting! I can protect myself. Every time the least amount of danger appears you’re always getting me away as fast as you can. I’m not helpless! You just think cause I’m a girl I can’t do anything. You act like all I’m good for is being weak and pretty!”
Christopher spun around. “Because that is all you’re good for!”
Briana felt uncontrollable rage bubbling onside her. She hated Christopher, hated him. Hated him with all her heart. How dare he like her. How dare he make her like him back. How dare he be so irresistible. How dare he be so handsome!
She suddenly reached up and slapped his perfect face.
Sparks were flying from his eyes. “Briana Elbe, I am your king!”
“I know!” Briana saw that he was clenching his fist. “Don’t you dare hit me.” Her voice was shaking.
“I would never.”
Briana took a shuddering breath. “I hate you!”
Christopher clenched his teeth. “The feeling is mutual.”
You don’t have to reply if you don’t want to, and feel free to hop on even if I didn’t tag you!
@madelyn @arien @mineralizedwritings @koshka @elishavet-pidyon @felicity @freedomwriter76 @ava-blue @theloonyoneDark is the Shadow, and yet my heart rejoices.
Ooh! Interesting.
Ok it’s a bit hard to get a full feel for it, I’ll do my best to provide some feedback anyways! 😀
It seems really unhealthy (Ig that’s what your going for, nothing wrong with portraying that)
I would say an unhealthy dynamic gets a bit more complicated when you add romance, I saw the couple hints in there 🙂
You just think cause I’m a girl I can’t do anything. You act like all I’m good for is being weak and pretty!”
Christopher spun around. “Because that is all you’re good for!”
So I’m not sure how I would feel about this, Christopher doesn’t just hate her, he seems to disrespect her being a girl a bit… I think there needs to be a clear distinction of his motives. Either he has a real problem with his morals in relation to his view of girls (room for a redemption arc, but that’s not a problem I personally would handle) or it’s something less extreme (Maybe change the dialogue to show that).
Also, I really see that Christopher doesn’t respect her.
Christopher didn’t turn.
Disrespect is something for them work through, but definitely hard when portraying a romance.
The part of him agreeing that she’s good for being pretty I would remove, simply because that reaches into him having some pretty bad morals, I understand this is likely not the effect you wanted. Like, ‘good for being pretty’ doesn’t feel completely appropriate to me. I know that’s not exactly how you said it, but it’s a bit of the vibe I got.
Also, I personally get her sentiment of people always wanting to protect her. It’s a valuable thing, but you don’t want to feel protected in a controlling way.
Anyways, I understand this might have not been your intention, maybe you just wanted to show a bit of there struggle and I need some more background. It’s a interesting idea, and I’m curious to know more! 😁
Take this all with a grain of salt, I have no knowledge of your redemption arcs or the background and relationships between the characters. Just curious, why does she hate him so much?
へびは かっこいい です！
I’ve got good news and bad news…which do you want first? JK! 🙂
This was fun to read but like mineralizedwritings said, I don’t have full context so do what is best for the direction you are taking your book and the personalities of your characters! 🙂
1. I don’t think Briana comes across as a feminist, but more like a tomboy who’s mad at a boy, if you know what I mean. But she does jump to the conclusion of “just because you’re guys doesn’t mean you can do everything” pretty quickly. If you want her to have an overly hasty personality, then you did a great job! However if not, maybe you could give her a reason for thinking that. You could make Christopher say something to antagonize her.
2. Again, I agree with mineralizedwritings here. It seems like Christopher looks down on girls just because their girls. I don’t think that’s what you want to portray. Maybe you could personalize it more to Briana so we know it’s her actions/personality that he’s angry at, not just because she’s a girl. (can I be funny here?… imagine after she says “You act like all I’m good for is being weak and pretty!” Christopher says, “Well when’s the last time you worked out, anyway?” ) Sorry, couldn’t resist. 🙂
Hated him with all her heart. How dare he like her. How dare he make her like him back. How dare he be so irresistible. How dare he be so handsome!
She suddenly reached up and slapped his perfect face.
Sparks were flying from his eyes. “Briana Elbe, I am your king!”
The imagery here is vivid! How dare he! I love the word irresistible! The phrase, “his perfect face” is great there. Also love the sparks flying. 🙂 This was my favorite part!
“Briana Elbe, I am your king!”
“I know!” Briana saw that he was clenching his fist.
I don’t mean to be nit picky…but what do you think about replacing “I know” with “I don’t care”? Obviously if she does care, don’t use it! 😀 I just thought it might make her attitude stronger there.
Over all, interesting scene! Keep up the good work!
(I admire your bravery. I haven’t put any of my writing on here…yet. I need to start facing the giants!! 🙂 )
He must increase, but I must decrease.
yeah! We’d love to see your writing! Lol, we aren’t scary giants then are we? 🤣
I have never had a bad experience sharing writing here!
へびは かっこいい です！
Everyone else basically said exactly what I was going to, so here’s a condensed form of my two cents:
I would make it about Briana, not girls. So say something like “Why am I not taking a watch?”, just to remove the focus at the beginning. I would also revise the part about being pretty. Maybe put inphasis on ‘I’m your king,’ instead of ‘I’m a boy.’
Otherwise, quite intriguing. I’d like to see more of these characters.
First Grand Historian of Arreth and the Lesser Realms (aka Kitty)
You made me laugh… no, you guys aren’t the giants…it’s my own fears and insecurities. 😀 Alright, I hereby resolve:
On Monday, November 28, I will start a topic for the first part/chapter of Overcome for all your thoughts and critiques.
Thanks girl! @starofthrnorth you too! You’re helping me to expand my horizons! 🤣
He must increase, but I must decrease.
Ok! I’ll be waiting (no pressure lol)
Can’t wait to read it though!
And yeah, I totally thought you meant you were going to face us, the giants 🤣
へびは かっこいい です！
I think everyone pretty much already said what I think, but I’ll say it anyway. 😁 While they are both going at it pretty strong, I realize that they’re both mad at each other and are probably saying things that they don’t completely mean. But yeah, they both kinda come off as a feminist/chauvinists so maybe make it more about their own personal problems and less about it being because she is a girl.
“Does Christopher come across as a chauvinist? Or is it clear that he’s just angry?” (How do you do the green quoting thing? I’ve been trying to figure it out 🤣)
I think it seems like more than just being angry. Cause when you’re angry you say things you don’t mean but you might believe it to some small degree. Maybe it’s less girls not being able to do anything and more what he is thinking of her. But I don’t know cause it’s all in his mind (and yours). So, I don’t know, like what I said before, making it more about each other and not just a girls worth argument. Unless that is what he believes. Like I said, I don’t know. 😂
This is really good, though! I know how hard it is to write scenes like this, and you did a great job! I would just say to think about what the two of them would be thinking during the argument and why they would say the things they say.
I hope I was some help!
@starofthenorth I agree with @koshka in putting the emphasis on the characters themselves, instead of generally ‘boys’ and ‘girls.’ (Unless there’s a specific reason to.)
By the way, I have a character named Christopher who, in a particularly emotional moment, says ‘I guess the feeling is mutual.’ Are you spying on my brain, or is it just me? 😶
KaPeefers 'til we're old and gray...
So everyone else has said everything already lol!! Mainly about Christopher’s disrespect a bit, maybe show that he actually doesn’t see her that way, but her misbelief has everything she’s seeing skewed (because that’s usually how it goes)
In truth it could be he knows exactly how strong she is…but he’s not strong enough to risk losing her… (sappy but whatever XD. I’m a sucker for it k?)
But I mainly came on here to say…
OH MY GOSH I LOVE THIS DYNAMIC!!! that last part where he’s like “I AM YOUR KING!” I WAS JUST LIKE AHHHHH YESSSS SWOON!!
idk I just really love this dynamic sooo much it’s soooooo funnnnn and cute and uuuggghh
lovers to enemies to lovers YESSSS
#IfMarcelDiesIRiot
#ProtectMarcel
#ProtectSebHmmm, that was really fun to read! I love the “Christopher is king” dynamic to pieces!
As for critiques, I would basically repeat everyone else. From what you asked, I don’t think you’re intending to make them feminist etc., so I would bring the emphasis off of the catch words and more on the characters. It’s Briana against Christopher, not girls against boys.
Also, this is what I think you have going on.
Christopher does love and respect her, but you can definitely love someone and not like them one bit, since love is a descision. A commitment. As for respecting her, he does… To a point. But he’s also furious with her right now, and really wishes she’d just close her trap and sit down. (Hence why he was ignoring her)
She, meanwhile, is trying to convince herself that he’s horrible. That nothing he does deserves respect. That he as a person doesn’t deserve respect. (Hence why she slaps him. She’s trying to convince herself.) Even though she knows the opposite to be true.
Now, if this is what you intend to be the dynamic, then I would suggest adding some of that into their argument (like, “You think you’re being so kind, don’t you?”) And her inner dialogue. For instance, instead of just saying “how dare he look so nice” also mention something like “how dare he be so ‘noble’?”
Anyway, just some suggestions that can be disregarded as seen fit. I really liked this scene, and can’t wait to read more!
You have listened to fears, child. Come, let me breathe on you... Are you brave again? -Aslan
@mineralizedwritings @felicity @koshka @theloonyone @whalekeeper @godlyfantasy12 @elishavet-pidyon
So it seems like a lot of you said the same things, and I realized that just this scene alone doesn’t make much sense lol 🙂 So I’ll try to explain a little more.
This is basically the climax of Christopher and Briana’s relationship. So it’s supposed to be a little bit over the top. I think Christopher is not exactly thinking about everything he’s saying.
Christopher does love and respect her, but you can definitely love someone and not like them one bit, since love is a descision. A commitment. As for respecting her, he does… To a point. But he’s also furious with her right now, and really wishes she’d just close her trap and sit down. (Hence why he was ignoring her)
This is exactly it. Christopher is really angry at Briana. Also at this point in the story, Christopher is struggling with severe depression and anxiety, which makes him a bit wacky. Briana’s not helping things.
Also, I really see that Christopher doesn’t respect her.
Christopher didn’t turn.
I wasn’t thinking of Christopher not turning as a matter of respect, but just that he doesn’t want to look at her right then.
The part of him agreeing that she’s good for being pretty I would remove, simply because that reaches into him having some pretty bad morals, I understand this is likely not the effect you wanted. Like, ‘good for being pretty’ doesn’t feel completely appropriate to me. I know that’s not exactly how you said it, but it’s a bit of the vibe I got.
Okay, so this didn’t even occur to me and I definitely see @mineralizedwritings ‘s point. (and someone else said so too, I just can’t find it right now lol) I was thinking Briana was basically saying “You think I’m not good for anything” and Christopher was saying “Yeah, you aren’t.” But I see how it could come across. What would be a good way to change it?
Also, Briana is a very contrary person. She says things and means the opposite. For example, she says she doesn’t want to be protected, when she really would rather hide behind Christopher (and Alexander and Michael, who are her brothers)
I would make it about Briana, not girls. So say something like “Why am I not taking a watch?”, just to remove the focus at the beginning.
I agree. Christopher is not against all girls. He’s angry at Briana herself.
As I said before, this is the climax in their relationship. This is the worst it gets, and afterwards it gets better. (They do forgive each other . . . eventually)
Thanks to everyone for giving me their honest opinion! I really appreciate it.
If anyone would has any questions please ask and I’ll be happy to do my best to answer them!
Dark is the Shadow, and yet my heart rejoices.
You can quote someone by copying what he or she says into the reply box, then selecting it and hitting the ” symbol in the left corner (after the bold and italics symbols)
I had no idea either till someone told @arien lol 🙂
Dark is the Shadow, and yet my heart rejoices.
@everyone
And thank you all for taking the time to read this scene and responding so kindly! I was scared . . . I didn’t need to be!
Dark is the Shadow, and yet my heart rejoices.
You can quote someone by copying what he or she says into the reply box, then selecting it and hitting the ” symbol in the left corner (after the bold and italics symbols)
Just testing 😁😂
lol thanks!
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
