Help With The First Draft Blues!

[Kads]

Hey, everyone! So… I’ll post some of my book, I guess.. just the prologue of book one XD.

Prologue

“I mean it. I’m never coming back,” she said angrily, throwing only necessary possessions into her satchel, grabbing her staff that lay nearby. “Bren, please don’t go. We need you here.” Her mother gazed at her with longing and despair. “No! There are too many bad memories tied to this place. I can’t stay!” Her daughter said, conviction and anger underscoring her words. “Bren, can’t you move past your sister? You know she would have wanted you to-” The woman started to cry as her daughter cut her off. “I don’t care what Blue would have wanted! This is my life. And my decision is that I am leaving this stupid place.”

The girl packed stormily, her green eyes flashing. “Bren, please. Stay. We – we need you. Your father and I need you. Your brother needs you.” The hateful woman’s voice broke, and tears spilled down her face. “No! I’m done! Good-bye!”

Her daughter took her only things and darted from the cottage.

When the woman came outside, the girl was nowhere to be found.

 

Anyways, hope y’all like it! Let me know if you want to read more! XD

staring at the fields
if nothing's really real
i'll make the winter now my home

[Elizabeth]

@issawriter7 Thank you for sharing! I really enjoyed reading your excerpt. Heh, what else are we writers for but to torment our poor charries? 😛 That’s such a cool story behind the name!! I’ll have to listen to the song now. 😀

“Seven seconds till the end. Time enough for you. Perhaps. But what will you do with it?”

[Elizabeth]

@scripter-of-kingdoms Whoa!! What a gripping prologue! I’m already so intrigued–what are Bren’s bad memories? Where is she going? What’s going to happen to her family now that she’s gone? What happened to Blue? (Wonderful name, btw.) So many questions! 😀 Though heh, I also have a character who’s tentatively/temporarily named Bren, so that was a bit of neat coincidence. 😀 Please share more! I love your style and can already tell that Bren is going to be quite the dynamic heroine. 🙂

“Seven seconds till the end. Time enough for you. Perhaps. But what will you do with it?”

[Kads]

@lewilliams

Thanks! I worked pretty hard on it. 🙂

Well, heh, do you want me to tell you or to read it? XD

Heyyy, I love the name Bren!! 😀 That’s cool that you named your character Bren, too!

Thanks! I’ll put some more of the book in a next post. XD

staring at the fields
if nothing's really real
i'll make the winter now my home

[Elizabeth]

Well, I haven’t shared much of my writing in quite a long time, but I think that today might be the day to start doing so again. Thus, here’s a bit from my WIP, The Drakesbanes (from the POV of one of my narrators, Tinumali):

Jamanuk’s face hardened. Ignoring Horace, he jabbed at the paper in my hands. “As you can see, your highness, this is a copy—simplified, of course—of the agreement your grandfather the late king entered into with my master. Times have grown, ah, hard in the High Kamak’s domain, and subsequently my master is requesting the repayment of what he so graciously lent to your struggling kingdom.”

Suddenly I pieced everything together. “You—” I swallowed. Even through the sting of his insults, I still wished there was a way to say this tactfully. “You’re a debt collector. For the High Kamak.”

The smirk had returned. “It never does a lady to be crass, your majesty. But yes, I suppose that describes my task quite aptly.”

I resisted the urge to wipe my sweaty palms on my dress. Jamanuk had already laughed at me enough—I didn’t want to give him anything else to work with. “Alright, um—” My mind felt like it was spinning faster than a speeding train. “When does he want it, exactly?”

He smiled. “Well, highness, you see, it’s all a matter of give and take in an agreement like this…”

He kept talking, but the noise faded into the background of my perception. Images from the days before rushed through my head. Grandfather was dead. My parents were missing. I was half a minute away from getting on the train that took everyone I loved away. Everyone—everyone except Bren. And I’d seen nothing but anger in her almost-sightless eyes.

Thank you guys for reading! I appreciate it 😀

• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Elizabeth.

“Seven seconds till the end. Time enough for you. Perhaps. But what will you do with it?”

[Kads]

CHAPTER I

BREN’S FEET BEAT SLOWLY DOWN ON THE HARD THER’EAN ROAD,

AND SHE COUGHED. The hot wind had blown dust into her face. She groaned. It was hot out, not a cloud in the sky, and she wanted to waste no breath. Already the last of her water she’d drank; her last piece of meat choked down an arid throat. She hadn’t been through a town for at least seven days, meaning she’d had to stretch supplies further than they should have gone. Looking forwards, Bren saw nothing but tall, yellowing grasses for miles; not a tree dared grow in this dry part of Ther’ea.

She felt for the leather canteen at her side, next to her small bag containing her instrument, and withdrew her canteen from her bodice. Uncapping it, she checked yet another time if there really was no water left, and without fail proved herself right. The greenish-yellow haze of the dying grass and shimmering-hot air echoed Bren’s own plea for water. She stared at the hard, desiccated ground before her, and felt no hope. The seemingly endless grasslands felt exactly that – endless.

Bren could not walk much further, even to get out of this part of the land, let alone to another town; or across the world like a more confident adaptation of she would have done, to gather shards of the Azure Diamond and avenge her sister. At least she would die here peacefully, instead of from lack of strength.

Instead of from touching that bewitched jewel.

Bren’s eyes itched. Where tears would have flowed, there was only an irritated burning sensation. She felt overwhelmed, and flopped to the ground of the roadside, defeated. Her staff fell on the ground as well, beside her. A twisted landing on her knee shot pain through her leg. She tried to get up – but found she couldn’t. Her muscles simply could no longer bear any effort.

Lying on the roadside, she had few thoughts. Her eyes burned again, and Bren felt angered at herself. Surely, her body couldn’t make tears for her own shame! She closed her agitated eyes, and again drew in the dry air. Nothing could save her now. She had done so little in a world so big. Bren Elena Saidaas still had places to go, things to do.

A noise in the distance prompted Bren’s eyes to flutter open a few minutes later. She lifted her head weakly. A caravan was on the road, though quite a distance away. But that didn’t matter. A caravan was coming towards her. If she managed to attract the attention of the people in it, she would live. She would live! Bren made a weak attempt to sit up, and sank back to the ground with a small noise.

The caravan’s wheels ever turned, and drew closer to Bren. She lifted her arm with all her strength, but it soon sank back to her side. The noise of the caravan grew louder with every turn of its wheels.

Soon, it was only twenty meters or so away from her. Bren managed to squawk out a “Help!” before giving up. The caravan was continuing past her. She would die here, on the side of a road – wait! The caravan had pulled over!

 

If you still want to read more, I can put some more in another post. XD

staring at the fields
if nothing's really real
i'll make the winter now my home

[Linyang Zhang]

@lewilliams Thank you so much! I’m really glad you like it! Ahh yes I tried to strike many questions that may or may not be answered here…XD

@scripter-of-kingdoms Whoa, that dialogue is very emotional! I always have trouble with scenes like this…but you pull it off so nicely!

Lately, it's been on my brain
Would you mind letting me know
If hours don't turn into days

[Kads]

@lewilliams

WHOA!!! I REALLY love that!! That is amazing!! I love the names you picked.

Seriously, I want to read more of that!!!! Just… yessssss!!!!

Heck, I used italics and caps lock, that’s how dang amazing it is!!!

staring at the fields
if nothing's really real
i'll make the winter now my home

[Linyang Zhang]

@lewilliams Wow, I love this bit! I really want to know more about your book!

Lately, it's been on my brain
Would you mind letting me know
If hours don't turn into days

[Kads]

@devastate-lasting

Thanks! The way that I write is that I can see what my characters do in my head, like a movie. I see them go through scenes, and then I write down what they say and do! 😀

staring at the fields
if nothing's really real
i'll make the winter now my home

[Anonymous]

@godlyfantasy12 @devastate-lasting @issawriter7 @abigail-m @lewilliams @scripter-of-kingdoms

This sounds exactly like what I need right now! Everybody’s stuff has been so amazing that I’m honestly a little shy to share mine, but I will anyway. XD

I’ll share a few short snippets from The Apostle’s Sister. Here’s #1. It’s one of the most intense moments in the climax:

The men sprang back as though she scared them, but she didn’t care. With shaking hands she cupped her son’s face. He was so young… little more than twenty years old. His life could not end so soon. But there was indeed a deep slash in his head where the boulder struck. A cloth had been stuffed inside it. Acid flew to her throat once more, but she could not purge herself despite how badly she wanted to.

She turned desperately to Luke and grabbed his arm. “Please, Luke. Please! You are the physician. Cure my son!”

Luke looked at her with tears in his eyes. “Darling, a physician cannot cure. He can only try to help. And I’m afraid… I’m afraid Reuben is beyond my help.”

“You’re saying it’s true?” Her mouth worked, but her grief locked inside.

“I’m afraid so.”

“I don’t believe it!” Temira cried out. “Stop lying to me… stop lying! I can’t believe it of you, Luke!”

Luke gently grasped her arms. “I know, I know, darling, but you can’t pretend. Your son is dead.”

“Not yet!” She yanked away from his touch, glaring at him and Mnason and the two men. “If Paul were here, he could and would raise his nephew from the dead. Just as he raised Eutychus and so many others. The Lord does incredible miracles through him! He can raise Reuben!”

Mnason gave Luke a look of anguish over her head. Alarm flashed across Luke’s face. “What are you suggesting, Temira?”

“I refuse to bury my son,” Temira declared fiercely. “I will keep his body until his uncle can lay hands on him and heal him.” She angrily thrust away the haunting voice that kept telling her Paul was dead, too.

“No,” Luke told her. “No, darling.”

She stared at him in the shock of betrayal. “You just want me to dump my son in a tomb and give up on him?”

“No,” Luke said. “Listen, listen… listen to me, darling. Only God has the power to raise the dead. He could do it now, if it were his will. But you know there have been many dead he did not give Paul the power to resurrect… and even Christ himself had to pass by many dead without restoring life to them.”

“But this is Paul’s own nephew!” Temira burst out. “Why would the Lord give him power to raise strangers, and not allow him to raise his own nephew? The nephew he loves… the nephew he has always fathered….”

“I know, I know,” Luke said tenderly, blinking back his tears. “Put your son to rest in a tomb, Temira. It’s the right thing to do. You can’t leave him unburied. I know how you feel, but….”

“No, you don’t! If you did you’d agree with me!” Her breath came fast and hard. “Are you saying that Paul does not love his own nephew enough?”

“No, no, no, no. Paul loved Reuben very, very much, and still does, and always will. It has nothing to do with love. You won’t carry Reuben’s corpse before your brother and command him to restore his life. I won’t allow it. You must bury him. It will hurt Paul enough when he learns… can you imagine how much more it would hurt him if you told him, ‘Either raise your nephew, or I suppose you don’t love him’?”

Temira gave up. “If Paul is even still alive,” she said wearily, “and he isn’t… I know he isn’t.”

“That’s not true,” Luke said.

“It is! Why won’t anyone believe me?” Temira clenched her fists. “I saw them tear him apart… I saw them rip him open….” She shook violently and couldn’t stop. “I saw his blood… the Lord did not miraculously heal his wounds and stop his bleeding. He is dead by now. He bled to death.” And if he was alive… which he couldn’t be… who knew what those Roman soldiers were doing to him at this very moment?

Here’s #2:

The Lord himself had caught her brother up to the third heaven. Paul had seen this for himself. When she must tell him the news, she would comfort him with those words, as he had commanded the Thessalonians.

Temira gave thanks to God for Paul, for without him Reuben would have had a sorrowful childhood as they did, and she wouldn’t have Seth at all. She blew a kiss of prayer from her lips to the Antonia Fortress where he was being held. The Lord Jesus Christ was with him.

She did not know that indeed, the Lord was with him. She did not know that at this very moment in the fortress, Jesus Christ stood in shining glory with his comforting hand on her weeping brother’s shoulder, saying to him, “My beloved servant, do not be afraid.”

Okay, I shared more than I meant to. But I hope it was enjoyable anyways. (P.S: You guys are the first to know that Reuben dies, so it will be our secret. XD)

[Alexa Autorski]

*puts hand over mouth to keep from screaming*

Oh my flying flapjacks! We have some talented writers over here! *applaudes* Everyone’s writing is totally incredible! Very well done to all of you! First drafts can be both freedom and constriction at the same time. You’re free to write and make a mess because that’s what second drafts are for, but there’s also tons of pressure you put on yourself. Ugh. *glares at the hundreds of drafts stacked up in the corner*

I’m thinking about posting a little bit of my writing on here… but then again, I’m super shy when it comes to letting other people read my writing, so maybe not 😀

I will, though, share my opening line: She had fallen asleep one thousand years ago.

[Issabelle Perry]

@writerlexi1216

I LOOOOOOOVE YOUR OPENING LINE!!!!!!!!! It’d be soooo awesome to read something you’ve written!! I know it’ll be SUPER EPIC!! But don’t stress about showing it if you’re not comfortable!!!!!! <33

God gives His hardest battles to His strongest soldiers.
TeenWritersNook.com

[Issabelle Perry]

@scripter-of-kingdoms

This is REALLY AMAZING!!!!! I LOVE IT!!! Your names are just THE COOLEST!!!! I know Linyang already said this but your dialogue is INCREDIBLE!!!!!!!!!! This story sounds like it’s sooooo much fun to write!!!!! <33 A M A Z I N G!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God gives His hardest battles to His strongest soldiers.
TeenWritersNook.com

[Kads]

@issawriter7

Thank you so much! I have a ton of fun coming up with names especially for fairies, elves, etc. In one of my books, the MC’s name is Diel Saigon, and she meets a sprite named Sje (pronounced Shay, lol). But I won’t give away any more!! XD

Again, thanks!! I love, love, love to write. Glad to know you like it!! <3

staring at the fields
if nothing's really real
i'll make the winter now my home

[Author]

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