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Hey guys! So I’m entering a little contest that one of my favorite magazines is doing. Basically they wanted me to finish the letter (they gave me like the first two lines) in under 250 words and they’d publish a few of the submissions they’ll receive in the next issue.
I need y’all to tear into this piece! Give me whatever feedback comes to mind. This was honestly a little difficult for me since I had to keep it under 250, but it was a good challenge.
I can’t wait to hear your thoughts!
(The italicized words are the starting prompt that they gave me to work with).
Dear __________
I’d say my life is ordinary. Even routine. Of course, that was before a scuffed door from a broken carnival ride, four translucent marbles and an old church hymn on yellowing paper changed me. As soon as I saw that dented, metal door in your attic, I couldn’t stop thinking about the car accident. I heard the squeal of tires…Momma’s gasp…the deafening sound of metal crunching against metal…and then silence. I blinked away the tears that burned my vision and tried to shake away the onslaught of emotions. Out of the corner of my eye, I watched a handful of marbles roll across the room and come to rest on a piece of old yellowed sheet music. The title had been smudged, but I let my eyes roam the lyrics, hoping for something to distract my troubled mind. “When peace like a river, attendeth my way, / When sorrows like sea billows roll / Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say / It is well, it is well, with my soul.” Everything in me told me it wasn’t well, it could never be well with Momma and Dadda gone. But amidst all the chaos in my heart in that moment, I heard a still, small voice whisper, “It is well.” And for the first time in way too long, I finally believed it.
I’m thinking about maybe adding a p.s. at the end of the letter since I still have room in the word count, but idk. Any ideas?
Tagssss (don’t feel obligated to reply! I just want to make sure people see this if they’re interested. :))
@freed_and_redeemed @savannah_grace2009 @whalekeeper @rae @elishavet-pidyon @koshka @the_lost-journal @ellette-giselle @hybridlore @liberty @raxforge @keilah-h @stephie @I’m-probably-forgetting-some-peoples @anyone! :))))Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
A neat and sweet story! When I first read it, it seemed your writing was in a different time zone/tense than the italicized beginning. To me, it seemed like the narrative suddenly switched to more present tense…like the character was actually experiencing everything instead of writing it after it had already happened.
Maybe adding some past tense words would make it sound more like a letter.
For example: (What I added is italicized)
As soon as I saw that dented, metal door in your attic, I couldn’t stop thinking about the car accident. I once again heard the squeal of tires…Momma’s gasp…the deafening sound of metal crunching against metal…then the silence….
I was blinking away the tears that burned my vision and trying to shake away the onslaught of emotions when some marbles suddenly rolled across the room. Strangely enough, they came to rest on a piece of old yellowed sheet music.
What do you think?
I know you have to be strict with the word count, but I think editing some little things out and adding in some past tense/telling feel to it would help it connect smoothly with your prompt sentence. After all, it is a letter…and many letters are written in a telling format.
Other than that, I didn’t really notice anything. Great job on the story!
"He who never quotes will never be quoted." ~Charles Spurgeon
@esther-c ooh this is interesting! I agree with Liberty, fixing the tenses would help it make a bit more sense.
"When in doubt, eat cheese crackers."-me to my charries who don't even know about cheese crackers
Thanks ladies!! I will definitely consider that!
Thank you!! Yes, I love it too!
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
@esther-c you’re welcome!!
"When in doubt, eat cheese crackers."-me to my charries who don't even know about cheese crackers
It looks great! This was a cool idea. I think you did a good job inserting a theme into such a tiny paragraph. Out of curiosity, how much do you have left in the word count?
Also, are you planning to add a name at the top?
The KP WITNESS PROTECTION has been initiated to protect characters from their authors. 😎 Beware.
It looks great! This was a cool idea. I think you did a good job inserting a theme into such a tiny paragraph. Out of curiosity, how much do you have left in the word count?
Thanks!! Oh yes, that was so hard! I was going to keep it lighthearted and goofy, and then I was like, Hold on. And tried something a little different. 😛
Ummm… a little under thirty words.
Also, are you planning to add a name at the top?
Yes eventually. XD The magazine was like, “Pretend you’re just writing to a friend.” And in my mind I’m going, I wouldn’t really write to a friend like this soooo… I might just pick a random name lol!
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
@esther-c Gotcha! A P.S. would be fun, but it might lessen the impact of the ending, so it depends on what you do. As it is right now, it doesn’t scream “actual letter” to me. It’s kind of like a thank-you-note (not exactly, but I don’t know how else to explain it.) or just a note. With a word count as short as yours, that’s fine, but maybe it’d be worth using those 30 extra words to round it out a little. When did this person go to their attic? Are they visiting them any time soon? Maybe filling in a little of the blanks will make this story more powerful. I’d experiment with it.
The KP WITNESS PROTECTION has been initiated to protect characters from their authors. 😎 Beware.
@hybridlore @keilah-h @theducktator @liberty
Telling y’all this now so I won’t procrastinate this week, lol.
I’m going to edit the paragraph and then repost it by Friday, taking into account your suggestions.
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
@esther-c all righty!
"When in doubt, eat cheese crackers."-me to my charries who don't even know about cheese crackers
@liberty @keilah-h @theducktator @hybridlore
Ok! So I’m not posting this as soon as I wanted, lol, but this is the almost final draft and I’d like your thoughts again if y’all are willing.
I didn’t change any of the tenses or add words because I wanted it to sound very “in the moment” if that makes sense. I did add a couple of things that hopefully make it sound more like a letter and I added a P.S. at the end.
Dear Allison,
I’d say my life is ordinary. Even routine. Of course, that was before a scuffed door from a broken carnival ride, four translucent marbles and an old church hymn on yellowing paper changed me. As soon as I saw that dented, metal door in your attic, I couldn’t stop thinking about the car accident. I heard the squeal of tires…Momma’s gasp…the deafening sound of metal crunching against metal…and then silence. I remember trying to make sure you didn’t see me cry as I stared at that door. Out of the corner of my eye, I watched a handful of marbles roll across the room and come to rest on a piece of old yellowed sheet music. The title had been smudged, but I let my eyes roam the lyrics, hoping for something to distract me. “When peace like a river, attendeth my way, / When sorrows like sea billows roll / Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say / It is well, it is well, with my soul.” Everything in me told me it wasn’t well, it could never be well with Momma and Dadda gone. But amidst all the chaos in my heart in that moment, I heard a still, small voice whisper, “It is well.” And for the first time in way too long, I finally believed it.
P. S. To answer your question, yes, I’d love to come over again. And no, your attic isn’t haunted; that was just an angel.
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
The P.S. is beautiful. It closes out the letter (and story) in a satisfying, simple end. In my opinion, very good.
First Grand Historian of Arreth and the Lesser Realms (aka Kitty)
Fork the GorkLove it! The ending is intriguing. 😉
The KP WITNESS PROTECTION has been initiated to protect characters from their authors. 😎 Beware.
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